Love, Lies, and Friendship

The following morning, I had a text from Zak, asking if I was alright. I texted back, and received a reply almost straight away.
Josh and Clara got up, and Josh immediately started acting like my mother until I literally shoved him away.
"Just cut it out!! I'm ok! I just hooked up with a prick was all-"

"Fucking hell, did he rape-"

"NO! Jesus Christ, Josh!! Look, I'm-" I replied to Zak's message quickly before continuing.
"I'm going out. See you later."

When I returned from the supermarket, Clara was gone. Josh helped me unpack the stuff quietly, but the growing sensation that he was holding in something was irritating me more and more, until I had to ask.
"What is it?"

"Nothing."

"Josh." He sighed and crossed his arms, leaning back against the counter.

"So you're...you're going to bars and picking up strange guys now?" Anger flared up in me and I bit my lip.

"Am I not allowed to do that? I was allowed to do it when it was women I was picking up." Josh shook his head.

"Don't put words in my mouth, that's not what I meant, not at-"

"Then why is it suddenly a problem now?"

"I meant....I just meant like...so you're...you're really...into guys now? Like...you're ready to start dating and stuff?" I sighed.

"I said I needed to explore that, didn't I? How else am I meant to do that?"

"I didn't mean that either-"

"Then fucking say what you mean!!!" He flinched and my phone beeped, I sighed and checked it.

"Who's that?" He croaked.

"Exploration." I snapped, and left quickly.

Zak smiled when I arrived at his place, and it quickly disappeared when he saw the expression on my face. He greeted me with a quick hug and gestured for me to come in.
"What's up Oli?"

"I don't wanna talk about it." The look in my eyes must have spoken volumes and he sighed.

"You're not ready."

"How the fuck would you know?!" I snapped, angry at everyone for trying to figure me out. He grabbed hold of me and pulled me into a tight hug.

"Because I've been there. I was the same as you, once. Terrified of how you feel? Hating everyone for trying and telling you that they understand? I know." He brought tears to my eyes and I just nodded.

"Stay with me tonight?" He asked, kissing me gently.

Five missed calls from Josh, two texts, and one email in the morning. Zak crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow when I told him.
"I've got competition." I rolled my eyes.

"Oli, I'm being serious. This guy is clearly in love with you."

"I gotta go. Thanks for understanding, I'll call you later?" He smiled slightly and accepted my kiss, turning it into a more heated one before I left.
That only confused me more. So when I got home and argued with Josh, again, then got dragged into going out to lunch with him and Clara just to prove I didn't have an eating disorder, my stress levels were at a maximum.

Walking into the restaurant, smelling the food, my stomach churned nastily straight away, and I just knew this was going to be a problem.
We ordered, my nerves made me so jittery I jumped when a fly buzzed past. The noise gave me a headache, and the knowledge that I not only had a problem, but had to ensure I hid it from them, made me feel even more queasy.
Every mouthful made my throat strain against my want to retch, my palms were slick with sweat, and I had to force myself to stay seated and finish the plateful of pasta, rather than bolting out of the restaurant as quickly as I could.

Clara was meeting up with friends, and so she left, sadly without Josh, who walked home with me. I thought that the feeling would eventually leave me, up until then, when I ate, I only felt sick when I was actually eating. But the entire way home, and once we were in the apartment, my nausea just slowly increased until I felt so pressurised that I had to lock myself in the bathroom and force myself to vomit until there was nothing left. My throat was raw and sore, whole torso aching from retching, and eyes and head hurting from the uncontrollable sobs that poured out of me as I flushed the loo and Josh pounded on the door, begging me to let him in. I couldn't stand up, so I just leant against the bath and cried as he called through the door.
After a while I pushed the lock across with my foot, and Josh came racing in and hugged me tightly, kissing my head and making me cry even more.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have made you do that, I should've realised..."

When I'd gathered myself together, humiliation felt scarred into my very soul, and I had to get as far away from Josh as possible. I brushed my teeth and washed myself off before leaving. Josh stopped me at the door.
"What are you doing?"

"I need to get some air-"

"Oli, you're suffering with a really severe eating disorder! What you need is help-"

"Don't tell me what I need!! I need to go for a walk...and...and calm down."

"Oli. You're not in a good frame of mind right-" I turned to leave, angry, humiliated, and upset. Josh called after me but I didn't acknowledge it. I practically ran to the rooftop of a nearby office building. It helped me feel more weightless, being so high up, helped me get away from the city and feel more calm. The light breeze ruffled through my hair and clothes, and dried the salty tears on my face, it let me breathe properly. Then the sun came out from behind a cloud, and warmed me gently like a comforting sort of hug.

A part of me wished I never had to go back down.