Have You Ever Known?

“So you guys just leave, without saying anything to us—or even just me, and you won’t bother telling me where you guys went?” Dani whispered loudly, barging in my room.

Both Harry and I earned looks when we arrived, a little after sunset. Our friends were all seated in a couch, as if they were waiting for us all along. Niall nudged Liam, to say something, but no words came out when he opened his mouth.

Harry ignored them, going straight to the bathroom while I greeted them with a “hi” awkwardly, then ran towards my room and flopped down my bed.

“Amie,” Dani tried again. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, “What?” I said, my eyes still closed.

“Where did you guys go?” she said, feeling the bed sunk beside me, “We thought you guys eloped already,” which earned a scoff from me while she laughed.

“There’s a pier with a little carnival thing,” I said sitting up, “we went there.”

I didn’t say anything more because I wanted what happened in that pier to be in my list of secrets. I don’t want them to know because—I tried thinking why, but there wasn’t any valid so I settled with “I just don’t want to.” Or maybe, it’ll just add to the tease we were getting, that’s why. I settled on the latter but didn’t tell her.

“So vague, Amelia.” I intently rolled my eyes for her to see, “You know I hate it when someone calls me my full name,” I said, slyly changing the subject.

“And that’s why we do it,” she retorted, we—as in Louis and her, “and stop changing the subject.”

I groaned, frustrated with the fact that she won’t drop it and she called me Amelia. “Fine, if you don’t want us to know, I’m sure Harry won’t mind telling us—or Lou,” She said, dragging herself out of the bed and stood up.

“Oh, and by the way, since you and Harry were missing in action earlier, we all agreed to night swimming,” she stated in a demanding tone that I knew so well—that I have to be there or else—then, stomped her way back in the living room.

After a few minutes of contemplating with what happened the past twenty-four hours, I decided to change to my bathing suit. I know Dani well enough that my lack of information of what she wants to know pissed her enough, so I’m not going to add on to that by not going with them.

I headed out and saw the shadows from afar confirm they were all in the water already. I decided to take my time walking, and the cold air is sending me shivers because of my scarce clothing.

“Nice of you to join us, Pond,” Niall shouted, flailing in the water. I wasn’t able to reply because instantly, he was splashed by Liam and turned into a water fight.

I didn’t remove my thin shirt because the water was too cold for my liking. I swam towards Dani and Louis whispering sweet nothings to each other and giggling.

Dani noticed me almost close to them, then smirked at me, “Now that you’re here, we can now play chicken fight,” she said as I gave her a confused look.

“Come here, Haz!” she shouted raising her arm, motioning for Harry who was playing with the other three boys across from us. He nodded then swam towards us.

“But I’m c-cold,” I stuttered, “it’s not f-fair.”

Louis shook his head, “So stay at the top and don’t let my girlfriend here, outbalance you,” then carried Dani who was evilly smiling.

“You lovers are wicked,” I rolled my eyes and stepped on Harry’s thigh to reach his neck. He set his hands to my knees, and I strangled both my feet behind his back.

Niall, Zayn and Liam cheered. Niall, being the loudest, said he’s rooting for me. Fat chance.

I instantly felt the cold air, but I’d choose this over that freezing water. When we’re both at the top and held hands, “Are you ready, Harris?” She said, I laughed at her eagerness but she pushed my arm, jolting me back.

“Hey!” I protested, “not fair! I wasn’t ready yet!” But she just sticks her tongue out.

“Keep focused, Amelia,” Harry said, “I don’t like losing over Lou.”

I scoffed, “Thanks for the encouragement, you daft.” I said, slightly swatting Dani but wasn’t fazed.

“Honey, we have to win this,” Louis said, “these two don’t kiss and tell after their romantic trip to the pier, remember!” Louis shouted, instantly pulling me out of my focus.

Harry also didn’t tell them.

And my mind was too busy processing that thought; it didn’t instruct my body to keep balanced. I was down by the second and can roughly hear the cheering under the water.

An arm pulled me up, and I was coughing out the salty water. “You let us lose, Amie. I told you not to!” Harry whined, fighting the urge to smile. “But are you okay?” His voice shifting quickly from teasing to concerned.

“Yes, it’s just cold,” I muttered, “Thanks,” I broke our eye contact, and quickly head towards to shore.

“You okay, Amie?” Dani asked, “Didn’t mean to push you that hard, I’m sorry.”

I gave her a small smile, “It’s okay, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I just-“ I paused, clearly not yet making my mind what reason I had.

She patted my shoulder, “No, it’s okay, tell me when you’re ready okay? I even promise you I won’t tell Lou.”

I laughed, “Thanks, I will, but I’m heading inside, I’m really really cold.” She nodded, and swam towards the boys again. The way they don’t feel cold at all still amazes me.

As I head back, arranging the blanket on my shoulders, I heard Niall cheering on another set of chicken fight. I laughed by myself and headed inside.

Liam was inside, talking on the phone resting in between his face and shoulder while in front of his laptop on the counter when I got there. “Yeah, I saw it,” he paused and met my eyes.

I smiled at him and he nodded, “Uh, sorry, I’m reading it now, yeah,” he nodded, as if the other person on the line can see him, his eyes scanning the laptop fast, reading.

I turned the coffee maker on, and waited. I don’t mean to listen in the conversation of Liam and the mystery person on the other end, but I can’t just leave without a cup of something warm since I already can’t feel my feet because of the cold and he didn’t seem to mind my presence. He was just there, pacing back and forth.

“I don’t know,” He rolled his eyes and put an arm on his head, clearly annoyed, “We asked, okay, he didn’t-“ I guess he was cut off by the other person, “Fine,” He sighed clearly defeated, “I’ll let you know.”

When he flipped his phone down on the counter, he didn’t even miss a beat turning to me to speak. “What happened at the pier?”

I was taken aback by his sudden interest about it, and the way he had asked me. I gave him a look and I think it was the only time he realized his bluntness. “I’m sorry, I just-“ he paused, putting a hand on his head again and tugging his hair, “There were pictures posted on the Internet, the management’s doing damage control, they want to know and Harry won’t tell us-“

“What pictures?” I asked, shutting him up. He turned his laptop towards me and I saw them with an article beside it. It was just pictures of me and him walking, eating ice cream and one with Harry hugging the little girl he met earlier. Those don’t even look romantic enough, but the play with words on the article beside it gave the wrong idea.

When Harry lied about the paparazzi fiasco, I didn’t even think there were some really there. But I was too annoyed by how they’re making a big deal of friends walking and eating and turning it into a mess.

“Wow, the way they romanticize how we walk and ate ice cream is so humorous to me,” I chuckled sarcastically. “Come on, there wasn’t even body contact!”

“And that was a fan meeting him,” I said, pointing to the photo of Harry and the girl. “Come on!” I shouted.

“And the pictures says it all, that’s what we did in that bloody pier,” I stated, “Ate ice cream to cure bloody hangovers and some little girl spotted him, then we went home, no fucking big deal.”

Liam was looking at me, eyebrows meeting, clearly confused and taken aback by my sudden outburst. I was too frustrated and cold to deal with this. I jumped off the stool, and poured coffee in a mug, wished Liam good night and then headed to my room and locked the door.

I changed in my pajamas and hang my wet clothes in the bathroom. I always catch a cold easily, so I hope this won’t lead to one or worse. But with the heavy feeling I’m starting to get—from the article I just read or the cold or both, I’m not so sure.

I just finished drinking my coffee that calmed my nerves a bit and was tucking myself in bed when I heard a knock on the door.

“We’ll talk tomorrow, Dan.” I groaned, not bothering to move a muscle. “This isn’t Dani,” a deep voice said and I snapped my head towards the door.

I removed the blanket hovering me, and unlocked the door. “What do you want, Haz?” I whispered as I raised an eyebrow and crossed my arms. I feel so tired and consumed that I rested my head on the doorframe.

“Liam told me,” he whispered, coming in. “Are you okay?”

I gave him a weird look, chuckling, “Of course, I am.” My chuckle died down, just like a smile wiping drastically off my face and muttered, “I think.”

He looked at me like he wasn’t convinced of my answer and stepped inside. He sat on the chair on the corner, as I sat on the bed. “Good to know,” he said shrugging, but the way it came out of his mouth denotes the uncertainty. I nodded, not knowing what to say next.

His head was down and his eyes seem to be looking too hard on his feet which only means he’s thinking. Of what? I don’t know and I’m frightened to ask or to hear what he was going to say. But I also wanted an answer to the question running in my head as soon as I heard Louis said it, so I decided to go with it.

“Why didn’t you, uhm,” I said looking at my hands resting on my lap, “tell them what we did?” I finished, finally looking up. “I mean, we didn’t do anything wrong, but—“ I paused, not knowing what to say next. He looked up, staring at me and studying my face as I tried my best not to cringe.

“Well, why didn’t you?”

“I just,” I shrugged, “don’t want them to think, that I, you,” I stopped myself, “I don’t know.” Rewinding in my head what I just mumbled didn’t even make sense.

“I don’t know,” I repeated.

He gave me a sad look, unsure of what to say. I badly needed an answer myself as much as he wants it from me. I wanted to tell him that, but when I opened my mouth, no words came out.

He still waited and when I didn’t say anything and stared back, he looked away. He stood up and before heading out completely, he said, “I’ll let you rest now, we’ll leave early tomorrow.”

I want to assure him I don’t regret anything that happened earlier. I felt guilty and wanted to apologize. But, for what? For the paparazzi, the management and the whole world knowing? For not being able to supply a reason of not sharing what happened in the pier?

But I did anyway. I muttered a soft and quick “I’m sorry,” which I didn’t think he heard, but he clenched his jaw and told me, “Don’t be.”

We both wished each other good night, and he closed the door silently. As soon as he was gone, I looked at the chair where he sat, the mark and the air still hanging as if bellowing that he was just here.

I tried thinking about what I almost said and why I stopped, but nothing coherent came except my feelings—which isn’t valid enough for me and for him.

I tossed and turned in my bed because sleep was the only way to escape thoughts for now. But sleep didn’t come easy.