White Walls

“Boys! We have to get going!” I called as I left our bedroom. I made my way down the hall and out into the living room, where I found them sitting on the couch. Lucas sat in John’s lap, as John taught him how to use the controller on the gaming system. “He does not need to be corrupted by Garrett’s zombie games at two years old.” I scoffed.

“He’s so good at it though.” John chuckled, not taking his eyes off of the screen.

“Come on, we’ve got to be at your parents’ place in ten minutes.” I groaned, walking over and standing in front of the television, which was not a popular move on my behalf. “It’s Shane’s 21st, John. We can’t be late for this.”

“Oh wow, you look gorgeous,” he commented, before nudging Lucas. “Tell mama she looks gorgeous.”

“Y-you look g-g-gorgeous.” Lucas giggled.

“Nice try,” I laughed, switching the TV off. “But thank you.”

I figured a plain white t-shirt tucked into a white and pink floral mini skirt was appropriate for a family event, yet still reminded people that while I was a mom, I was still only twenty four. I’d chosen wedges over flats because being as tall as John was still something I strived for, even after all these years.

“I think we’re ready to go anyway,” John said as he stood, lifting Lucas into his arms. Everything was okay between those two after our Thursday morning discussion in bed. John apologised for being so rough with Lucas and Lucas apologised for his behaviour. They made up and everything had been going okay since. Jared even called because he’d witnessed the event and wanted to know that everything was okay, and I was thankful to respond with a positive answer. “Do we look alright?”

I smiled at my two boys, grateful they were getting along. “Gorgeous.”

***

When we arrived at the O’Callaghan’s, there was already almost the entire family (and some friends) there. Jared, Parker, Eric and Jac were all going to be there because they’d been family friends for years and as a kid Shane apparently always used to hang around John when he’d hang out with Jared and Eric.

“Let’s go find the birthday boy,” I hummed, looking around for Shane as we entered through the back gate into the very well decorated back garden. “Your mom has done an amazing job, hasn’t she?”

“She does know how to go all out.” John teased, as he carried Lucas in his arms.

“Leighton! Thanks for coming!” Shane called as he came into view, opening his arms for a hug.

“Happy birthday!” I laughed, giving him a tight hug. “When did you get in?”

“Literally two days ago…I think.” He chuckled, before looking beyond me. “Hey John.”

“Hey kid, happy birthday.” John smirked, before giving his little brother a warm embrace.

Lucas leant out of John’s arms and into Shane’s, giving him a suffocating hug. “Hap-happy birfday.”

“Thanks Lucas,” Shane smiled, kissing his cheek. “Thanks guys for coming. I really needed people my age around.”

“See, I was touring for my twenty first. You should’ve missed your plane.” John joked.

I swatted him across the chest. “No! Your mom went to such an effort for this.” I pouted.

“I know, I know,” Shane laughed, taking a sip of his beer. “It’s alright for a family party. I mean, there’s alcohol, so we’re all good.”

“That’s my brother!” John cheered, high fiving him.

“Oh, great example you two are setting.” I scoffed, shaking my head at them. “We should find your mom, say hello.”

“I guess that was inevitable,” John sighed dramatically, taking Lucas back into his arms, but not without handing Shane his birthday gift. “It’s nothing big man, but happy birthday. I missed having you around.”

“You guys didn’t have to, thank you.” Shane nodded, accepting the slim package. It was an easy guess that it was a bunch of records, but I knew that Shane and John had a close bond over music so I know it’d mean a lot to him when he found out what it was.

“No problem- oh and I’m taking you out to my local this week. We gotta have a talk.” John added, patting him on the back before we headed inside.

I knew what that talk consisted of. I was there when John told Ross about his childhood. He did it in the living room of their family home. Jenny and I sipped on tea in the kitchen, listening to what John said and how Ross reacted. Like any brother would. He got angry, he didn’t understand, and then he broke down a little.

“Are you sure he’s ready for it?” I asked John softly.

“He’s a man now.” John nodded firmly.

“You were twenty five when you finally came to terms with it.” I pointed out as we headed into the kitchen.

“Trust me, I know what I’m doing.” He said softly, kissing me quickly before his mother noticed we were here, greeting us in hugs and many kisses for Lucas. It felt good to be in the midst of John’s family. I loved how caring his parents were to me and Lucas and I loved how close he was with his brothers.

Although Ross had his own child, he still acted like Lucas was one of his own. The first thing he would ask us when he saw us was how Lucas was, or how he had been doing. I remember when we were really new parents, John was always calling Ross up and asking him questions because he didn’t want to go to his mom. He’d always wanted to prove that we were capable of handling Lucas as a baby.

Typical O’Callaghan men I guess.

Like the lady I was, I ended up in the kitchen helping Jenny prepare whatever I could. I know she liked all the work because it was going to be one of the last time the boys would let her do something like this for them, but I still enjoyed the quality time I got to spend with her.

“So Leighton, how have you been recently?” Jenny prompted as we prepared the meat for the barbeque Jay was going to start soon.

“I’ve been alright,” I nodded as I helped her with the marinades. “Work has been busy, and John’s been stressed in the studio so we’ve had some clashes, but nothing we couldn’t work past.” Lucas had a long sleeved shirt on to cover the bruises. It’s not that we were hiding what happened, we just didn’t want people to think the worst and freak out on us.

“And your health?” She questioned, eyeing me suspiciously. I knew it was inevitable to hide from that question. “You’re looking quite thin, darling.”

“I hadn’t noticed. It’s not like I’ve been eating any differently.” I mused. “Plus I’ve been taking all of my medication. It might just be my metabolism changing.”

“Maybe start eating a little more?” She suggested cautiously. “If you’re not careful, an illness like this can stop you from getting pregnant in the future.” I see she was still pushing for another grandchild. I mean having another kid wouldn’t be a terrible thing in my eyes, but it wasn’t something we were planning on happening.

I blushed slightly. “We…we’re not exactly planning on getting pregnant again, at least not with the way things are going.”

Jenny looked up, surprised. “I thought you were all for having more kids?”

I shrugged. “I just don’t think John could handle multiple children. He’s not interested in slowing down his career anytime soon, and neither am I. Having just one child can still allow us to travel and experience new things. We’re better with one, it just fits our lifestyle right now.”

I could tell she thought otherwise, but she respected our decision nonetheless. She didn’t question me further about my weight and I was silently praying that would be it in case John walked in at the wrong time.

We got the meat ready and out to Jay, before I ventured off to find John and Lucas, whom I found were talking with Jared and Parker. I walked over and joined the conversation, accepting Lucas’ advances into my arms.

He was getting bigger, which meant he was also getting heavier for me to hold. John didn’t seem to have a problem with it, so I assume it was because of the apparent weight loss I hadn’t even noticed. Alright…so maybe I had noticed it a little. Ever since John brought it up the other day I’d begun to notice it wasn’t just my chest area that was decreasing. But it didn’t necessarily mean my anorexia was getting worse, it could be from chasing a two year old around all day, or that maybe my metabolism was changing so I needed to change my diet in order to cater for that. It was becoming a stressful time as of recently so a lot could have had to do with that.

Regardless, I was going to book an appointment with my doctor this coming week. Because believe it or not, being stick thin might be appealing or attractive in the minds of some, but I could tell you first hand that it was anything but. I was beginning to feel less and less comfortable in my body because of something that I no longer had any control over.

“M-mama...can we go to Aunt Jacky?” Lucas whined in my ear.

I looked up to where he was pointing to see Eric and Jac being greeted by Shane as they came in through the back gate. They’d gone with the typical age-appropriate bottle of alcohol, something Shane definitely wouldn’t be complaining about. “They’ll come over, don’t worry.” I chuckled.

“Am I not good enough, huh Lukey?” Parker teased, shaking his foot.

Lucas’ eyes widened and he shook his head. “No I love you Parky,” he insisted, nodding his head frantically.

“Do you love me too?” Jared teased, taking a sip of his beer.

“A little bit,” Lucas giggled, before burying his face into my chest.

“Don’t worry, I get the same.” John joked, rolling his eyes as Lucas wriggled out of my grasp and ran off to play with John’s younger cousins from Jenny’s side of the family. I kept my eye on him until I saw one of his older cousins supervising them. I liked to know he was in good hands when we were at social events. I only had one child- and apparently that was all I was getting with this condition.

“Hey guys!” Jac called, greeting us with a cheery attitude. She and Eric greeted us all with hugs before standing beside me as Eric stood with the boys to talk. “Parker, I haven’t seen you in a while.” She stated with a pout. “You weren’t there at the last 8123 party.”

“Yeah I’ve been totally busy with work,” Parker nodded with a sad smile. “The business is really thriving right now though, so it’s not such a bad thing.”

“Well that’s awesome to hear,” Jac beamed.

“What’s even more awesome to hear is that you guys are engaged?” She stated questioningly. Wow she really had missed out on a lot. But it was true, I’d hardly seen her as of recently. “Congratulations!”

“Thanks,” Jac chuckled, raising her hand to show her the ring. “You’ll have to give me your tips.”

Parker admired the ring as they began gushing over wedding details. Jared had proposed last year and they got married four months later, so Parker knew a lot about planning a wedding in such a short amount of time. I will admit, I did feel kind of left out when they began sharing ideas and getting wrapped up about the upcoming wedding, but it wasn’t their fault, I really couldn’t offer anything to the conversation. I know me and John had said soon, but I couldn’t even share that because I know it was something he would want to keep between just us.

I felt John’s arm around my waist as he leant down to kiss my temple. “You want a drink?” He murmured. “I’ll drive.”

“I think I need one,” I whispered in his ear. “I’ll get it though.”

“You sure?” John asked, raising an eyebrow.

I nodded. “Yeah for sure. Be right back.” I said, before kissing him quickly and turning to the girls. “Did you guys want a drink?” I offered.

“I’ve got one, thanks.” Parker smiled, raising her glass.

“I’ll come with you actually,” Jac said, reaching over and grabbing Eric by the hand to pull him out of the boys’ conversation. “We should probably tell Jenny- she practically raised you, Eric.”

“Oh god she’s gonna start crying,” Eric groaned as we both followed her through the crowd to the kitchen.

“Oh Eric! Jacqueline!” Jenny beamed, greeting them both in hugs. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you two!” She stated, before noticing my presence. “Oh darling, could you get the salads out of the fridge for me dear?”

“Yeah no problem,” I nodded, doing as she said.

“We actually have some news,” Eric chuckled as he draped his arms around Jac. “Show her, babe.”

Jac lifted her hand to show the ring, and I heard nothing but a gasp from Jenny. “We’re engaged.”

“Oh my! Congratulations my babies!” She exclaimed, engulfing them again.

I watched with a timid, subtle jealousy as I moved the salads from the fridge to the kitchen bench. I was happy for them, of course. But it sucked seeing my mother-in-law reacting to news I wanted to be sharing by now. I’d already disappointed her with no more kids, I figured she deserved more than that.

“I better be sitting up with your mother, Eric James.” Jenny threatened.

“Of course, of course.” Eric assured. “Only the best for my second mama.”

I cringed. It’s like he was closer to her than I was. Eventually they got their drinks and headed back out, whilst I stayed inside to help Jenny with the last of the lunch.

“Isn’t that wonderful news?” She beamed, clearly on a new high from the news.

“Yeah, it’s amazing.” I nodded with a small smile. “I’m maid of honour and John is best man.” I told her, selfishly fishing for praise and satisfaction.

She clapped her hands together in excitement. “Oh you two will get to walk down the aisle together! This is so exciting!”

“It is,” I chuckled with a nod.

“I don’t mean to be brash, but have you two talked about getting married anytime soon?” Jenny asked slowly, looking up at me as she peeled the covers off of the salad.

“I uh…yeah we have,” I mumbled, not knowing if I was supposed to say anything. My voice shook slightly and it was only starting to dawn on me how much I really wanted this. All of my friends were getting married before I was and I was the one with the kid here. “We’ve decided we will soon. We want to wait until after Jac and Eric though, and the recording of their album.”

Jenny frowned. “He should be putting you before the band.”

“He just wants to provide for me and Lucas,” I insisted, hoping that was the reason. As long as he put Lucas first (which he did) I was okay. I was the third person in my life to worry about. Lucas always came first. “Really.” I nodded, once voicing to her how important it was that he do that.

“All I’m saying, is that John is a lot more vulnerable and self-conscious than Eric or Jared. He’d be feeling a lot more pressure about getting married than they would. Don’t take it personally, sweetheart.” She said softly, sending me a caring smile before leaving with the salad.

Wow. Pity from his mom, exactly what I needed to make me feel better.

***

When we got home that afternoon, I was more than thrilled to kick off my shoes and collapse onto mine and John’s bed. I couldn’t help but feel like a terrible friend for being so jealous over Eric and Jac’s happiness.

About twenty minutes later, John came into the room to change into something a little more comfortable. I stayed in my position on the bed and watched as he got changed, not bothering to announce I was awake. I think he knew though.

“So I’ve put Lucas down for a nap, meaning we officially have an hour to ourselves.” John sighed, pulling his sweatpants over his ass as he turned to me with a smile, a smile that fell when he saw me.

“Leighton?” He asked as he approached me.

“I’m just tired,” I mumbled, burying my face into the pillow beneath me. I didn’t want to tell him about how I was feeling because I couldn’t let him know how ‘desperate’ I was about getting married. I also didn’t want him to think I was pushing him into it. I couldn’t help but feel like he sincerely didn’t want to marry me. Okay we’d decided on soon and he seemed like he meant it, but how far away was soon? He probably just said that to buy himself some time. I don’t know why I was feeling like this. Maybe it was the increasing of comments on my body that was making me insecure about almost every aspect of my life.

“I wanted to talk to you about something, that’s all.” John mumbled, climbing in beside me.

“What?” I muttered, keeping my face in my pillow.

“I just…I was talking to my mom earlier,” he began, clearly ignoring my lack of wanting to talk. Couldn’t he see I was exhausted with all the mixed signals and the questions from his mother?

“I spoke to your mom too.” I mused.

“And she uh, asked me if everything was okay between us.”

I frowned, looking up at him. “What did you say?” I mumbled, my eyes tracing the words on his chest. When Lucas was three months old, John got his name tattooed on the right side of his chest, with my name under the ‘V’ tattoo on his hip. I too had Lucas’ name tattooed, under a rose on my left bicep, John’s beside it.

“I said she had nothing to worry about. She claimed we were ‘distant’ or something.” He shrugged. “We’re not…distant, are we?”

“I wouldn’t call this amount of sex, distant.” I mused into his chest.

I felt a laugh travel through his chest. “That’s what I almost said.”

I smacked him on the arm, looking up to scowl at him. “Don’t ever say that to your mother.”

“I’m not crazy,” he smirked, kissing my neck. “Anyway, you’d tell me if there was something going on, right? Like if you had any issues with me?”

Probably not.

“Yeah.” I nodded quietly. “What else did she say?”

“She told me to step up.” John mused, holding me tightly. “As a father- did you tell her about what happened the other day?”

I shook my head quickly. “All I said was that we were both getting stressed out at work- but we were handling things.” I insisted. I knew it was a mother-in-law’s job to meddle in her sons’ relationships but I seriously think I was going to have to talk to her about what ‘just-between-you-and-me’ meant. I loved Jenny, but I was starting to feel insecure about my relationship with John and our lifestyle all together.

“She seemed to think I was putting the guys and the band before you and Lucas.”

“I didn’t say that- I said you were working hard to provide for us.” I insisted.

“And you know that that’s exactly what it is, right?” He stated, looking at me firmly. “I know we’ve been making more over the years, but I still need to save for Lucas’ future, and our retirement, and if we ever move house, and medical bills- there’s so much we have to cover.”

“Your parents are covering our medical bills.” I mumbled, eyeing the words on his chest. He didn’t say wedding. Weddings aren’t cheap. I didn’t want to retire before we got married. If we got married.

“I know darlin’, and it’s helped out a lot, but I don’t want to always be relying on them. I want to be able to say that yeah, I can afford to cover my families’ health.” He pointed out, “Eventually my dads’ going to retire too and they won’t be able to cover our ongoing medical needs. What if Lucas ends up with what I’ve got? What if he gets depression on top of his surgery he has to get when he’s older?”

I didn’t even want to think about my little boy suffering with what John had learned to deal with. It was bad enough seeing him in pain, I don’t think I could handle Lucas going through that.

“That makes sense,” I mumbled. “It would be satisfying to be able to do that.”

“I’m just thinking about our future, I don’t mean to come off as dictating or like I’m putting the band first- that’s what really angered me when my mom said that to me. It’s like she doesn’t even realise what I do for you and Lucas, y’know?” He sighed, running a hand through his hair in frustration. Now he knew how I felt. I was constantly writing the book of ‘Am I or Am I Not Getting Married?’. It was frustrating.

“I know what you do for us John, that’s all that matters.” I murmured, kissing his cheek. “You don’t just provide us with a home. You give me strength and you give Lucas someone to look up to. That’s the most important thing to me.”

“I love you Leighton Johnson.” He murmured into my hair.

I really don’t like him reinforcing my last name like that. “I love you too. Take it easy in the studio though, okay? Lucas comes first, that’s our deal.” I got what he was saying about wanting to provide for me and Lucas and that that required him putting in a lot more studio time, I honestly did. I know how his career worked and I accepted the fact that it meant long studio hours and weeks away from home, but he loved what he did. It’d never been about the money- it was his purpose in life. I’d never ask him to give it up and I didn’t plan on it, even when I found out we were having a baby. All I asked was that he do this with me as a team.

“Always darlin’.”

***

JOHN’S POV

A smile pulled at my lips as I watched Leighton in the kitchen with Lucas. I loved the way she held him, so lovingly. She was such a good mother to him. If we’re being honest, it was her love and passion for Lucas that pushed me to become a good father to him. When she told me she was pregnant, I wasn’t one hundred percent excited. I mean at the time I hadn’t yet developed a paternal feeling with the growing human inside of her and I was dreading the day he would come into the world. But towards the end of her pregnancy, something changed inside of me. It dawned on me that this human being, was our human being. Not just mine, but ours. This was something that was going to tie me to Leighton for the rest of both our lives. When I saw Lucas for the first time I literally cried. He was the upmost beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Words couldn’t describe him. All I could do was sit with him quietly as I waited for Leighton to wake up. I sat with him, holding his tiny hand as the doctors worked on his spine. Usually they don’t allow family in the operating room, but they made an exception because Leighton wasn’t awake and they figured it would help him to keep going if he had someone with him. I couldn’t watch the medical stuff, I just kept my eyes on him. He was so gorgeous.

I remember bringing him in to Leighton for the first time. I think that was easily the greatest moment of my life. That and figuring out who we were as a band- gaining that kind of understanding of yourself and what you do for a living, realizing what it is you’re supposed to do in life and how you’re going to support your family. My life had changed drastically in the past three years and it was going well, even with the minor bumps with parenting and the new pressures with recording. I wasn’t going to let those pressures destroy what I’d built with Lei and Lucas over the years. I was on top of all of this as a twenty-seven year old adult and I was going to keep it that way.

Eventually the two of them finished up in the kitchen and Leighton gave Lucas to me, announcing she was going to take a shower and taking Lucas’ shirt with him. He was a messy little eater and often spilled his food down his clothes. It was cute sometimes, but when it was just me and him at home, I preferred he ate shirtless so I wouldn’t have to do unnecessary washing.

“Dada?” Lucas murmured, looking up at me as he sat in my lap, his bare back resting against my bare stomach as we sat on the couch.

“Yeah bud?” I hummed, rubbing the scar on his back. It had slowed down in the healing process as of a few months ago so we’d started putting healing oil on it when he went to bed and it was starting to pick up in the process again. We didn’t want it to be there forever considering he was probably going to have to get surgery on his feet in a few years and we’d have to deal with the healing process and recovery of that too. Not to mention the cost, because even though we were financially okay and on my families’ insurance, surgeries today were still expensive.

“Mama says you need a lot of love to b-be hap-happy.” He yawned, leaning back into my abdomen. I raised an eyebrow at his words but kept quiet so he could finish. “If-if I love you…harder, will you be hap-happy?” He asked quietly, looking up at me.

I took a deep breath, trying to keep a straight face. I didn’t want Leighton telling him things that would
only confuse him. I leant down and kissed the top of his head. “You just love me as much as you can Luke. You already make me happy.”

“Big happy?”

“Big happy.”