White Walls

“Hi, my name is John. I uh, I’m here because I was abused by my music teacher when I was seven and I guess it’s only just catching up with me now.” John spoke awkwardly as he rose from his seat.

“Hi John.”

I watched from the corner of the room as he interacted with people his age that were going through the same thing he was. I watched as he answered light questions and began to grow a lot more comfortable with the topic at hand. Then, the limelight was passed on to the girl sitting beside him, and he took a deep sigh of relief.

He was doing well, getting better. It’d been a few months since he entered the rehabilitation centre and his doctor called me to sit in on one of his meetings, so I could properly witness the progress he was making. Usually this didn’t happen but considering I was also carrying his baby and he planned on having a huge part in the baby’s life, it was routine that he underwent a proper psychiatric analysis in order to be deemed a fit parent.

“He’s been doing really, really well,” Dr. Adams murmured from his seat beside me. “I think he’s going to pass.”

“I hope so.” I mumbled with a nod. “I know how much he wants this.”

“He has expressed how much he wants to start a family with you, Leighton. I think he’s going to make a wonderful, loving father and husband one day.” Dr. Adams nodded.

“You think he could handle a marriage?” I asked, quite surprised. “I think we’ve still got a lot to work on for our relationship.”

“Oh of course,” Dr Adams agree quickly, “but I think you two will be successful with that. I feel like you’ve got enough strength to go the distance.”

“Who knows, maybe you’ll be medicating our baby.” I mused, bringing to light what we’d discussed earlier about the possibility of our baby having the same genetics as John with the chemical imbalance that caused his depression.

“Leighton, I’ve been through this with you, there’s a low chance your baby may end up diagnosed with depression.” He assured softly. “The chance is there, but it’s not something you should be worrying about right now.”

I let out a frustrated sigh, running my hand through my hair, which I was trying to grow out. “I know, but it’s hard not to when I’m getting calls from the rehab centre every two days from John.”

“This will be the hardest part, but he’ll be out shortly, hopefully sooner than we expected due to his remarkable progress.” Dr Adams expressed confidently. It wouldn’t take a genius to realise that he was giving John a lot more attention than any usual patient, and I found that somewhat reassuring. He’d been a family doctor, always tending to John’s brothers and parents, so I guess there was some sort of loyalty between the two parties.

“Trust me when I say I won’t be treating your son, not for this.”

***

SUNDAY

“John, how are you?”

I accepted the coffee as she passed it across her coffee table to me before sitting back into her couch. I had a bad feeling today that I was going to try and let this coffee fix. I mean it would probably only elevate that problem to the only thing I could think about, but I was at least going to look at it with an ignorant mind.

“Uh…not too well,” I admitted sheepishly as she sat down in front of me.

She frowned. “Why is that?”

“I…I didn’t tell Leighton about where I was going this morning…and I feel like there’s an awkward tension between us.” I sighed, running a hand over my face in frustration.

“You know you lying about seeing me is only going to make everything so much worse,” she scoffed, like I was an idiot. I mean, I was an idiot, but it’s not something I liked to be reminded of. I know that seeing Lisa was going to stir up a few problems between me and Lei and she’d begin to get suspicious when our copy of the medical bill came and there were minimal therapy sessions to make up for the amount of times I told Leighton I was going. I mean really? Therapy on a Saturday? Even I wouldn’t agree to that.

“Well telling her I’m seeing you isn’t that good of an idea either.” I mumbled, looking down at the mug in my hands. “It’s hard…she wouldn’t understand.”

No, Leighton probably wouldn’t understand that I was seeing a marriage counsellor without her, behind her back. It’d also come across as sketchy because I was going to Lisa’s actual home instead of her office.

I got her number from Jared, who told me that he and Porter were having a lot of problems in their marriage before they got pregnant. I almost didn’t believe him because I’d always seen their relationship as the perfect relationship. He was just so good at doing all the grown up things. He had proper savings accounts and a proper house with a mortgage and a loving wife with a baby on the way- all before he was thirty. I mean if he struggled along the way it only assured me that I was going to trip and fall and bring everything down with me. I don’t know how well I could support Leighton and Lucas.

What if I fucked it up to the point where nothing could be fixed? Or worse, what if she left me and took
Lucas with her?

Lisa sighed, shaking her head. “John, I agreed to start seeing you because you had anxieties about your relationship and taking the next step. From what I hear from you, what you and Leighton have is worth saving. You’ve got so much to fight for and you need to stand up and be a man about it if you want to keep her around. If we’re being honest, I think you’re being pathetic.”

My head shot up and my eyes narrowed. “I didn’t ask you to be honest-“

“I’m not saying this to be cruel, John. I understand the intensity of your relationship, I really do. I also get that there’s a lot on the line with Lucas and your history with Leighton, but you can’t go on like this. If you do, you’re only going to hurt eachother.” She explained, reaching across the table to place her hand on top of mine.

She was right, and I knew it was going to come to this. I had to talk to Leighton before I lost her.

“I…I don’t know what to do,” I murmured, looking down in shame. I was twenty-eight years old and asking a stranger for advice on my failing relationship. The making up and repairing with Leighton never just came naturally like it does for other people. Most of the time we kept stuff from each other and let it all bottle up. As we had made clear, we needed a lot of professional help when it came to our relationship and that was always something I’d hated. It was a pride thing, what can I say?

“You start off by talking to her. What’s this about an awkward tension? You guys didn’t look like you were struggling the other night at the club?” Lisa pushed, bringing her mug to her lips. She didn’t even write anything down in our sessions, that’s how casual it was. I was paying her in cash, too. Totally casual and completely questionable to the Mrs at home.

That’s a figure of speech kind of thing, because I was too chicken shit to actually ask Leighton to be my ‘Mrs’. But everybody already knows that.

“I just feel like she’s being distant. She’s not telling me as much as she used to and I know she’s keeping things from me.” I shrugged nonchalantly. It was really all too familiar these days.

“So now that we’ve established you two are treating each other equally,” Lisa began with a roll of her eyes, “you know what you need to do John. Do it today, or tonight once Lucas has gone to bed. Sit down and figure things out with Leighton. You might figure it all out and realise it was all just a lack of communication.”

“Or I might mess it all up again and she could leave me.” I pointed out negatively.

She sent me a look. “That will only happen if you go into it with a negative mind frame. Think positive, John. And don’t start with ‘we need to talk’, otherwise she’ll think you’re breaking up with her and say anything to please you. A simple ‘can we talk for a moment’ will do just fine.”

“Okay,” I nodded, once taking a deep breath. I could do this. “Wait, but what do I say after that?” There goes my confidence, cracking at the foundation.

“You’re a writer, you should know how these things work.” She challenged.

I barely even called myself that anymore. What kind of writer would write cruel things about his only muse? Maybe Garrett was right, maybe it was a mean song.

“Don’t ask her if there’s anything she’s not telling you because her first instinct will be to say no. Tell her that you’ve been seeing a marriage counsellor. Come clean first and she’ll either feel obligated to tell you or she’ll be comfortable enough to come clean about whatever it is she’s hiding from you.” Lisa said slowly, making sure I was taking it all in.

“Okay…don’t use ‘we need to talk’, and come clean first.” I nodded, reciprocating everything she was saying.

“And John?”

“Hmm?” I mused, looking up at her again.

“Remember how much you love her. Whatever this is…it’s worth fighting for.”

I never used to question that.

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Jac shook her head in anger. “It’s unbelievable, right? How could they do this to us on such short notice?”

“Babe these things happen.” Eric said carefully, balancing Lucas on his knees as the two sat across from me on the couch. “It sucks but we just have to figure something else out.”

Jac sent me a look to which I responded almost identically.

“Men,” I retorted, a smirk soon following.

Eric rolled his eyes. “Alright, I don’t get the magnitude of what this day means to women, but I get that it’s important to Jac. However I disagree that going down to Scottsdale to scream at innocent people is a ‘good’ idea.”

“Do you know what you’re about to marry into?” I laughed, shaking my head before finally acknowledging his sense. “He has a point babe.”

Jac muttered something under her breath before sighing. “It’s just such short notice. Everything was perfect until they ripped our venue from under us. I mean, the wedding is only a few weeks away! What are we supposed to do, get married in city hall?”

“You won’t be getting married in city hall,” I assured, sending her a knowing look. “I’m your maid of honour, I would never allow that.”

“So that’s our plans for today,” Jac nodded firmly. “I’m not bringing you home until we find a venue- if we have to scour the whole of Arizona than so be it.”

“Lucas, your Uncle Eric is giving his man card to this girl, don’t ever do that, okay?” Eric cooed into my little boy’s ear.

Jac swatted him on the arm and rolled her eyes. “You gave me your man card on our first date and you know it.”

I let out a laugh, shaking my head at the two. I’d never met a couple that complimented each other as well as Jac and Eric. They were perfect for each other. Ever since John introduced me to Jac and I saw the connection they shared, I knew it’d someday end up like this. Ever since that first meeting, when we swapped the stories of our first dates-

That’s it.

Their first date.

My eyes widened at the realisation and how obvious it was. It was right in front of them the whole time.

“Leighton? You’re scaring me- why do you have that look on your face?” Jac asked slowly.

“Your first date,” I rushed out, unable to contain my excitement. “Have your wedding at the plaza- the place you had your first date!”

A smile spread across Jac’s lips as the realisation set in. “Oh my god…Leighton you’re a genius.”

“That would be perfect,” Eric nodded in agreement, bouncing Lucas on his bony knees. I worried for the kids’ butt. “Y’know your mom’s a genius, Lukey.”

“You really think they would be available?” Jac pushed, biting her lip. She was super stressed out about having this wedding so soon, I only prayed the venue was available, for her sake- and her happiness.

“Why don’t you give ‘em a call and book a tour.” Eric nodded, kissing her forehead. “Just to make sure.”

“Alright,” she nodded, standing and grabbing her phone from the coffee table. “I’ll be back in a sec.”

“You know the plaza isn’t going to be cheap,” I mumbled, bringing it to his attention. “But it is perfect.”

Eric shrugged. “The price doesn’t matter. She deserves to get everything she wants, Lei. And I’m going to make sure she gets it.”

I raised an eyebrow. “In the doghouse are we?”

He sent me a look. “No, her mom called her last night to talk her out of marrying me,” he murmured playing with Lucas’ hair. “She was so upset. She was crying on the phone- her mother made her cry, Lei. She’s ruining this for her and I can’t stop it. The best I can do is a meaningless threat that won’t stop that crazy…you-know-what.” He mused, censoring his language for Lucas.

“I had no idea,” I gasped, quite shocked. I know it wasn’t a secret that Jac and her mom didn’t get on, but I’d never expect her to call Jac trying to talk her out of marrying Eric. That was just…wrong. “What a b-i-t-c-h.”

It’s okay, Lucas didn’t know that word.

“I know, right? I can’t believe it. I’d never do that to my daughter- you can bet for hell that she’s not
going to be apart of ours kids’ lives.” He scoffed, shaking his head.

“Wow, already planning that far ahead, are we?” I chuckled, surprised by his sudden…protective streak.

He shrugged it off in typical male fashion. “I know that I love her. I’m going to spend the rest of my life with her and I can’t wait to build our family together. She couldn’t make me happier.”

“Okay that right there should be your vowels,” I nodded quickly, reaching over to rub his arm. “I’m so happy for you two.”

“Thanks Lei, it means a lot. You and John have been so supportive. We love you guys and we’re so grateful for all the help.” He said with a smile.

“Aw, always. I’m just so thrilled my best friends are getting married.”

“Thank you, thank you so much. We’ll be there at one.” Jac spoke into the phone as she came back into the room, sitting down beside Eric. “They have a vacancy for our date.” She said nervously.

“That’s great,” Eric nodded, hesitant with Jac’s attitude. “That is great, isn’t it?”

“The uh…the deposit we have to put down is three times the one we put down in Scottsdale.” She said slowly. “The venue cost is double what we’re paying for Scottsdale.”

Shit. Scottsdale wasn’t cheap.

Eric took a deep breath and nodded. “Take my cheque book. If you’re happy with it when you see it, I
want you to book it.”

He was a man that stuck to his word. I liked that.

Jac’s eyes widened, as did mine. There goes that jealousy again. “Ar-are you serious? Babe…at this rate we won’t get a honeymoon.”

“So we’ll swap Hawaii for Colorado, that’s fine by me. As long as our day is everything you’ve ever wanted, and you’re happy, I’m happy.” He smiled, kissing her softly.

“I love you,” she sighed.

“I love you too-“

“Wow guys, not in front of the baby.” Another voice called as the front door opened. I looked up to see John come through into the living room.

“It’s about time you rocked up,” Eric scoffed, “I’ve had to entertain these women for like, half an hour.”

“Oh is that what you want to call it?” I laughed, before realising what he said. “What took you so long?” I asked John, who’d taken a seat on the arm of the chair I was sitting on. “You’re thirty minutes late.”

“My session ran longer than I thought.” He said quickly, waving it off. We’d awoken to an awkward tension between us, and we’d been distant of each other all morning. I couldn’t help but feel like everything I’d had bottled up was just waiting to explode, and soon.

“You could have called.”

“I forgot.”

I rolled my eyes and stood, Jac following. “Well we should get going then if we want to make it there by one.”

“Yeah, definitely.” She nodded, kissing Eric goodbye.

“I’ll see you this afternoon my little boy,” I cooed, lifting Lucas into my amrs. “You be good, okay?”

“C-can I come mama?” He whined, clinging to my neck.

“Well now we know who is favourite is.” Eric smirked.

John rolled his eyes and stood. “Come on Luke, we’ll go to the park and play baseball, huh? Uncle Eric’s coming too.”

“Can we get ice-cream?” Lucas tested, narrowing his eyes at his father.

“Yes,” John laughed, holding his arms out for Lucas.

I passed him over, flinching at our physical contact for half a second. It went unnoticed by almost everyone. But not him. He looked somewhat offended, confused and hurt. I faked a smile and hesitantly kissed him on the cheek, with absolutely no emotion. I mean don’t get me wrong, I tried, but came to no avail.

We said our goodbyes before I practically dragged Jac out of our loft and out to her car. The tension was only building in there to the point where I could no longer take it. As soon as we got in the car, I got curious eyes and eventually the questions I knew I could no longer avoid.

“What the actual hell was that?”

I bit my lip and looked out the window as we rolled down the street. “Hmm?”

“Leighton,” she warned, narrowing her eyes at me. “Don’t play stupid- you know what I’m talking about.
In there with John? What is going on with you two?”

“We’re just…” I struggled to find the right words…we weren’t fighting, we weren’t giving each other the cold shoulder…I don’t know what was going on. All I know was that we’d seriously deteriorated as of recently. Empty kisses and awkward goodbyes aside, we were becoming distant from one another and I guess other people were starting to notice.

“Are you having troubles that you’re not telling me about?” Jac asked, raising an eyebrow. “Is it serious?”

I sighed, sinking down in the passenger seat. “It’s…I don’t know if it’s serious, I just think we’ve got a lot to talk about, to be honest.”

“Which is?” She lingered, prying away as best friends do.

Whether or not he still loves me.

“What?!”

My eyes widened as I looked over her. Fuck, I’d said that out loud. “I-“

“Did you just say what I think you said?” She gasped. “You don’t think he doesn’t love you do you? Leighton, he’s crazy in love with you-“

I sent her a look. “You can’t fool me, Jac. In comparison to you and Eric, we’re…we’re a zero.”

“Babe what even gives you this idea?” She sighed, looking over at me as she stopped at a red light.
“Has he done something? Is it the late nights again?”

“Not so much the late nights as it is the fact that I heard him say he didn’t love me anymore.” I mumbled, playing with my hands.

Jac almost squealed in shock (she was quite dramatic) when the words slipped from my lips. I didn’t like talking about all of this with her before I spoke to him about it. I didn’t want to gossip behind his back but I’d hardly spoken to any one about all of this and it was starting to wear me out, keeping it all in.
“He did not!”

“Jac it’s a green light!” I snapped, shoving her to look forward.

She stepped on the accelerator and focused on the road ahead, as we neared the Plaza. “Leighton, tell me you’re joking.”

“I wish I was.” I mumbled again, keeping the volume on a low. “But apparently his dying love for me will make a great hit.”

“What? What do you-oh god- no way is he making a song out of that,” she scoffed, shaking his head. “He just doesn’t know when to stop, does he?”

I shrugged simply, playing with the loose thread on my cardigan. It wasn’t that cold, but I didn’t care too much for sharp elbows.

“Leighton…” Jac started off sympathetically.

“Don’t, it’s fine.” I said, shaking my head.

“It’s not fine, Leighton. You don’t deserve this, you can’t keep taking his shit.” Jac sighed. “It’s not fair to you.”

“I was gonna talk to him tonight,” I admitted timidly. I’m not going to lie, I was scared shitless over the conversation we were going to have.

“Tonight? I think him and Eric were going out with the groomsmen tonight.” Jac said awkwardly. “As a pre-bachelors party catch up.”

I sighed, pulling my phone out. “You’re kidding.”

“I mean text him, by all means, pull him out of it- you need to sort this out first.” She said firmly.

“I just don’t know how much I can do without throwing everything to shit.” I murmured, looking down at the ring around my neck. “I don’t want to raise Lucas by myself, or raise him separately. I don’t want
that lifestyle, Jac.”

“And you don’t have to, Lei. If you open up all of this, you can work through it and you won’t have to have these sorts of problems with him.”

“You’re right,” I nodded slowly. Was she right? Could we do this? May as well fake the confidence until I crumbled in front of him. “And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

***

JOHN’S POV

“Dude, what the hell was that all about?”

I winced as I set Lucas down, allowing him to run off to his room before I collapsed on the couch across from Eric. “I don’t know, man.”

“She…like…what, do you guys…not kiss anymore?” He asked awkwardly, finding it hard to keep eye contact.

I rolled my eyes slightly as I dropped my head back to look up at the ceiling. “Of course we do. We’re not…we’re not Austin and Hilary.” I scoffed, shaking my head.

“Oh, did you hear the court date is next week? Like Monday?” Eric stated with a wince. “How tough is that gonna be, dude.”

“What are we supposed to do? Like, lie and say he’s been faithful and sober or?” I frowned, looking over at him. I didn’t really want to talk about this but I was just glad we’d moved from the topic of myself and Leighton. “I don’t think I can lie to a judge.”

“We don’t lie, we don’t have to say anything,” Eric said firmly, sending me a look. “We just have to go and support him, tell him it’s for the best and that we’ll be here for him. He’s planning on moving out of Tim’s soon, we’ll have to go spend a few nights with him here and there to make sure he doesn’t turn into a drunk ass after the divorce is finalised.”

“You really don’t think he has a chance?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. Lucas soon came out of his room, a pencil case full of crayons and a large sketchbook in tow. Well, the sketchbook was being dragged across the floorboards, picking up most of the dirt I had yet to vacuum. “Lucas, don’t drag that.” I warned, sending him a warning look.

“Dude he cheated on her and he’s been drinking himself into an early grave for the past few months. If I was the judge, I wouldn’t think twice about a divorce.” Eric scoffed. “I know he’s our friend, but he’s in the wrong.”

“He’s been under a lot of pressure-“

“That doesn’t excuse anything.”

“Jesus I didn’t know you were rooting for the other team,” I muttered, surprised at how firm he was with all of this. “I mean I’m not saying he should be let off easy, but I don’t want them to fucking resurrect him.”

Lucas looked up at me as I finished my sentence, only noticing the one word I wasn’t supposed to say in front of him. “Daddy!”

“Sorry bub,” I winced, moving to sit on the floor near him to help him with his things. Eric moves too, sitting closer.

“Dude…” he murmured, keeping his voice down as Lucas became occupied with his drawing. “Why are you getting so defensive? Is there something you’re not telling me?”

I frowned, confused. Was this some sort of test? Did Leighton put him up to this? “No?”

“You know you can tell me anything. Did you…did you do what he did?” Eric asked, eyeing me suspiciously.

“Does it look like I’m a drunk?” I sighed, raising my arms.

“Not that…”

My eyes widened. “You can’t seriously be asking me that. You think I’d do that to her?” I was offended he’d even suspect me of cheating on my girlfriend. “Really man? Just because you’re about to make your vows, doesn’t mean I’m incapable of staying faithful.” I scoffed, looking away from him.

“John, dude that’s not what I’m saying okay? I’ve just noticed you and Leighton have been distant and I worry. I mean, everything before they left? It looked forced.” He stated observantly. I guess all of that didn’t go unnoticed and I hadn’t successfully changed the subject like I’d been trying to.

“We’re fine.” I mumbled, cutting him off. “Now will you stop being such a woman about it?”

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I sighed in relief as it allowed me to ignore him for a minute or two to check any incoming messages or notifications. Surely enough, it was a text from my one and only- that I would never cheat on.

Lei:

is there any chance you can bail on the guys tonight? we need to talk.

Oh, fuck.

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

“Lei it’s perfect, don’t you think it’s perfect?” Jac gushed as we entered the main ballroom.

“It’s gorgeous,” I nodded, in awe.

“You’ll have plenty of room for at least two hundred and fifty guests.” The woman showing us around spoke. I’d forgotten what her name was, because the state of the venue had all of my attention. It really was a gorgeous place. It was a dream wedding location.

“That’s more than enough.” Jac nodded excitedly.

“It really is perfect,” I hummed.

Jac grinned. “You think you could picture me getting married here?” She asked.

I nodded. “Definitely, the ceremony outside, the reception in here…it’s perfect for you two.”

“I think he’d love it.” She nodded, taking one last look around before turning to the the woman. “We’ll take it.”

“Great. Now if you’ll just come with me, we can go make a payment.” She said, leading Jac off to
another room.

I stood there alone, taking it all in. In only a few short weeks, I’d be back here celebrating my best friends’ marriage. Jac and Eric were getting married. The reality of it all was crazy. It’s not like I never saw this coming, but for it to be finally happening, it just made you question where on Earth all of this time was going.

My son was three years old, my company was thriving, I was coming up to my fifth anniversary with John, I was going to turn twenty five this year…there was so much going on in my life right now and there was still so much to come in the future.

Which is why it was definitely time for me to talk to John about everything (well, most things). Tonight, I was definitely going to bring up what I’d heard him say and I was going to once and for all find out his feelings about us getting married, or how far he saw us going. I know we’d decided ‘soon’, but I had to know how soon that really was. I was literally making myself sick over all of this.

I can’t say my hands weren’t shaking and my stomach wasn’t doing cartwheels, but I wasn’t going to let anything stop me.

This was just to important to keep ignoring.

***

Jac and I didn’t end up getting home until the late afternoon, considering the venue business was just the tip of the iceberg of the things we needed to cover today. We got majority of the wedding things done and out of the way, but there was still a few things we had to do before the big day.

When we got back to the loft, Lucas had been put down for a nap and we found Eric and John on the couch watching baseball with beers in hand. Jac and Eric left after a little while, both apparently knowing that John and myself needed some alone time.

“So they got the venue, huh?” John asked, looking over at me to break the silence. I’d been sitting in
Eric’s place on the other end of the couch for about a half hour, sipping on my own beer. It wasn’t going to mix well with my nightly dose of medication, but I really needed the liquid confidence.

“Yeah, Jac’s really stoked on it.” I nodded, not taking my eyes off of the TV. It was too hard, and too awkward.

“That’s good. It’s gonna cost him a fortune but he didn’t seem to fussed about that.” John mused with a shrug, still looking at me. I could almost feel his eyes prying for mine.

“He said he just wants her to be happy. She’s always wanted a wedding like this and her mother is putting her through shit right now he doesn’t care about the price.” I shrugged back. “I think it’s sweet.”

John nodded before turning back to the television.

It was silent for a few minutes before he stood. I didn’t think too much of it before he held his hand out for me.

I looked at him, raising an eyebrow in confusion.

“C’mon, we should talk.” He said softly, waving his hand.

I took his hand and he pulled me up, before leading me out the back door, where we at across from each other at the table on the back porch. Was this what it felt like right before you break up? Were we going to break up? Not knowing what was going to come out of this only made me feel vulnerable and to be quite honest it scared the shit out of me.

John took my hands over the table and looked directly into my eyes. There was no hiding now and he was making sure of it. “I have a confession to make.”

Oh god. Don’t. Don’t tell me you’re seeing someone else. Don’t tell me you want to break up. Don’t tell me you want Lucas and you don’t want me. I know I’ve handled hearing ‘I don’t love you’ behind my back but if you say it to my face I’ll break down in a second.

“W-what?” I murmured slowly, trying to drag this out as much as possible.

“It’s not something to be worried about,” he said lightly, not making me feel any better. “In fact, I think you’ll appreciate it. You might be confused but-“

“John you’re not making me worry any less, okay?” I snapped, my voice shaking.

He took a deep breath before exhaling with a nod. “I’ve been seeing a marriage counsellor.”

My eyes widened at the use of the ‘m’ word. “What? Why would you be seeing a marriage counsellor? We have to be married to be seeing one of those.”

“Jared and Parker gave me her number, her name is Lisa. I’ve been seeing her in a more…casual environment. I’ve been going to her place and we’ve been having proper conversations instead of her writing everything down and all that shit. She’s been helping me get through my shit.” He explained, removing a hand from mine to rub the back of his neck.

“That still doesn’t answer my question,” I pushed, not feeling any better about this. I didn’t like the idea of him going to some woman’s house for conversations about our relationship. He should have consulted me first, that was just an invasion of my privacy if she wasn’t a proper counsellor. I mean, who has sessions at their house? Talk about dodgy- I bet he paid her in cash too.

“I…” he hesitated, looking down at our hands. “I’ve been seeing her because I feel like she can help me get prepared for…a marriage.”

A marriage. Not our marriage, but a marriage.

“Between us.” He said, with a roll of his eyes as he noticed my hesitation. “Leighton I’m doing this for
you.”

“Well thanks for lying about it and hiding it from me.” I scoffed, sending him a look. “Did she ever mention that honesty is kind of important in a relationship?” The whole fact that he kept this from me totally overshadowed the fact that he was doing it for me. Marriage counselling is something you do with your partner, not behind their back- so no, it didn’t make me feel any better.

“Look, at least I’m telling you about all of this, alright?” He snapped, the anger rising. “At least I have the guts to come clean and stop hiding things.”

“Excuse me?” I scoffed, pulling my hands out of his grasp to cross them across my chest.

“That’s right. What are you hiding from me? You’ve been distant all week, you’ve been shutting me down and you hardly even kiss me anymore! Fuck Lei, even Halvo notices it!” He hissed, trying to keep his voice down but failing miserably. No wonder he wanted to take this outside.

“Me? I’m not hiding anything,” well, that was a big fat lie. “You’re the one with the hidden feelings!”

“I don’t have any hidden-“ he stopped himself short, closing his eyes and frustration. He sighed deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose before rubbing his temples. Wow, his age was beginning to show. When he finally looked back up at me, he was a lot more calm. Maybe I should ask for his exercises, I could use those. “You said we needed to talk. What was it you wanted to bring up?”

“Your hidden feelings.” I retorted with a scoff.

He rolled his eyes, the anger returning almost immediately. “Fuck- I don’t have any hidden feelings, Leighton. There’s nobody else, okay? It’s you, it’s only you!”

“Oh, well not for long!” I scoffed, giving him a dirty look. “My time will be up soon, won’t it? Don’t worry maybe I’ll just let you move on to somebody else, how about that ‘Lisa’, huh?!”

“I don’t know what the hell you’re on about,” he hissed back at me. “I’m trying to fix things between us but all you want to do is tear them down!”

“Fix things?! You’re not fixing this, you’re covering the hole with duct tape! You’re ignoring me and you’re ignoring my feelings!”

And he had the guts to laugh at me.

“You’re out of your mind if you think I’ve been ignoring your feelings, Leighton.” He said darkly, shaking his head at me. “Everything I do is second to your feelings!”

“Bullshit!”

“It’s not bullshit-“

“I heard the song!” I yelled, unable to hold it in any longer. “I heard the fucking song okay?!”

“W-what?” He asked, eyes wide as he sat forward.

Tears filled my eyes as my throat began to close up. Oh god, I hated this part. My hands shook in front of me but I formed them into fists to distract myself. “I heard you, on your birthday. You were singing, and I fucking heard you.” I whimpered, my voice wavering at the end. “You don’t love me.”

He was quiet for a moment as his mind wondered. I could see it in his eyes- searching his memory to connect what I was saying. How could he not remember? It was the worst thing I could have ever heard him sing, or say.

“D-do you mean…the ‘these four words don’t come easy, I don’t…’ do you mean that song?” He asked quietly, his voice raspy. He couldn’t even finish it.

I nodded slowly, looking down at my hands.

“Lei…baby that’s an old song. That’s three years old- it was released on Forever Halloween.” He said slowly, the relief seeping through his words.

I frowned in confusion, looking up at him. “No it wasn’t, I have a copy of the album- and I’ve never heard you play it live before.”

“I…I gave you a different version of the album,” he admitted timidly, “and I never played it live when you’ve been at a show. I didn’t want to…hurt your feelings.”

So I guess that’s the whole ‘everything I do is second to your feelings’ spiel. It still wasn’t good enough. It still hurt. And the fact that everybody had already heard it? What, was that supposed to make me feel any better?

“I was only singing it that night because I had an idea for another song and I needed to base it off of a similar melody. It’s an old song, Leighton.” He assured.

I shook my head. “That doesn’t matter- you still lied and you still wrote it- you released that song about me, John. Every body but me has heard it- how could you?” I whimpered, feeling myself get emotional. “How could you hide this from me for three years? Do you know how…how betrayed, and humiliated I feel? I can’t believe I celebrated this song last week- I feel like such an idiot!”

I stood abruptly, wanting nothing but to get away from him.

“Leighton,” he tried, reaching out for me as he stood. “Let’s just talk-“

“I don’t want to talk to you! I don’t even want to look at you right now!” I snapped, feeling the anger rise. “I-“

“Mama?”

My expression softened at the sight of Lucas. He looked half asleep as he dragged his teddy behind him to the door, his oversized sweater hanging off of his shoulders. “Hey baby,” I cooed softly, walking past John to get to him. “Hey why don’t you get some of your things together, okay? You and me are going to stay at Aunt Hilary’s tonight.”

“Leighton,” John sighed.

“Why?” Lucas asked with wide eyes. “What about daddy?”

“He’s going out with Uncle Eric,” I explained, not even caring if that was true. I just felt so betrayed-
and not just by John, but by all of them. Garrett, Kennedy, Jared- hell even Pat. Not to mention Tim, my own boss. “Come on darlin’, let’s get ready.”

Lucas nodded and headed back inside, leaving myself and John out on the porch.

“Leighton please,” he pleaded pathetically.

I turned to him with a sharp look. “I don’t want to speak to you right now. I don’t even want to hear it.”

“I’m so sor-“

“Don’t you dare!” I snapped, shoving him away from me. “Don’t you dare apologise when you don’t mean it- you betrayed me, worse, you betrayed my love for you. You took that and threw it on the ground so don’t you dare think that you have the decency to apologise to me.”

I was so close to done.