White Walls

“So, do you think you’ll see him again?” Tate asked curiously.

I shrugged, a blush rising to my cheeks. “I don’t know, I think so. I hope so, he’s a really great guy, Tate.” I gushed. “I mean…he’s funny, he has good taste in music…he’s really sweet too. He’s definitely not a jerk.”

“I’m happy for you babe, you finally deserve someone like him.” Tate stated. “I think you should call him back, go on another date- pursue him. You never know what could happen, he could be ‘the one’.”

“That would be kind of nice,” I chuckled, contemplating the idea as I sipped on my drink. “I kind of get…that feeling whenever I see him.”

Her eyes widened. “That feeling? Like the good feeling?”

“Put it this way, I don’t think I’ll ever be feeling the bad feeling with him.”

***

It was five am and I was alone. Lucas was at John’s parents’ and John…who the hell knew where he was right now. We’d said we wouldn’t be any later home than two am. But I guess I should have seen it coming, I should have expected this much from him. When I got home after work earlier today (well, yesterday) I’d told him that we needed to talk. Yes, I finally grew a pair.

We needed to talk things out because I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he was treating me. I had to tell him I wasn’t happy with the way we were and that we needed to fix things. I knew that I had some other things to tell him too. Maybe it would make the bad feelings go away. I needed to try at least…I couldn’t live like this anymore.

So we came up with a curfew so we wouldn’t be too hung over to talk the following day before Lucas came home. I’m not saying we had to talk at two am, but it would have been easier for us to wake up the following morning. But clearly, all hopes of that opportunity had since gone out the window when the clock hit five am and he still wasn’t home. Three hours late and not a single text from him.

Typical.

It didn’t help that my anxiety was at an all time high and I literally couldn’t get myself to leave the bathroom floor. I felt absolutely sick to my stomach and I hadn’t even had that much to drink tonight. We took Jac to a club where we had a private room booked, but it was nothing too crazy, so I don’t know why I was feeling like this.

My hands were shaking in my lap as I sat on the floor, leant against the bathroom door for some sort of physical stability. My head was killing me but I knew it was nothing a painkiller could stop. I’d just have to wait it out and hope it’d go away. I guess much like I’d been doing with John. I know I haven’t been as honest to him as he was to me, but it felt like if I told him about my sickness it would only make things harder on us and he’d treat me differently because of it.

But it wasn’t just me being sick that we needed to talk about. It was his drinking, and the attitude that was being caused by it. He either needed to go back to rehab for it or just stop altogether. He was still on his medication so he needed to put that first. He needed to make that sacrifice. I’d cut back on drinking when we had Lucas and hadn’t since felt the need to go back to it like he had. I know it was apart of his lifestyle when he toured, but it was only harming us and creating tension between us. It couldn’t happen anymore.

Neither could the fighting, and neither could the lying and hiding things.

Yeah, I was still bitter about the song. I hadn’t forgiven him and right now I don’t know how I could. He wasn’t the person I thought I could rely on anymore. He lied to me for three years about some stupid song- that if it didn’t mean anything, he would have just told me about it. He makes sexist comments and rude remarks because the mix of alcohol and medication was messing with his head. He wasn’t making the right choices around Lucas and that only worried me. And I shouldn’t be worried about leaving John with Lucas, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something would eventually happen to Lucas and it would be because of John’s shitty decisions.

And he wondered why I didn’t want to talk with him, or hear the rest of his shitty excuses. He dropped the ball. But it didn’t look like he’d bothered to pick it back up.
That’s what everything came down to.

I hardly knew who he was anymore, and that scared me.

***

“We’re gonna be good at this parenting thing,” John murmured into my neck as we laid in his bed. Thankfully he’d moved out of a joint room so we had a little more privacy when I came to visit him in rehab. “We’re going to have each other, that’s all we’ll need.”

“And diapers.”

“Lots of diapers.” He chuckled, kissing my neck. “I know you’re worrying about this, Lei. I get why, I mean if the father of my child was in rehab I’d be losing my shit and looking for a replacement-“

I sat and nudged him in the shoulder. “Don’t say that. I have faith in you and I’d never look for a replacement. We can do this- you know we can. You just said it.”

He stared up at the ceiling. “I was just saying that so you wouldn’t freak out on me…but you really think we can do this?” He asked softly.

My hand moved to his cheek, observing the fact that he needed to shave soon. “Definitely. We can raise this tiny human to be a great man, just like his father.”

John’s eyes widened. “We’re having a boy?”

A smile broke out on to my lips as I nodded. “We are. Congratulations daddy.”

“Oh my god, Leighton.” He chuckled, pulling me back down into his arms. “Thank you. Thank you so much for letting me be apart of his life. Thank you so much.”

***

I was okay when it turned seven o’clock. I hadn’t slept since the night before because I was surviving off of coffee and stale cookies I’d forgotten to freeze. I was waiting for him to come home because I couldn’t sleep peacefully with all of this stuff on my mind.

I’d picked myself up from the bathroom floor about an hour ago and managed to shower and change into sweatpants and one of our old concert t-shirts. I said ‘our’ because for the life of me, I couldn’t remember whom it belonged to.

I tied my hair up to keep it out of my face and sat quietly at the kitchen bench, scribbling over and over again on the notebook in front of me. Anything to keep my hands from shaking.

He didn’t come home until eight that morning. He looked like shit. He had bags under his eyes, his tie was undone and hanging over his shoulders, his hair was a mess and he was carrying his shoes. He walked in silently, stopping when he saw me in the kitchen. He dropped his shoes on the ground and placed his tie on the bench before shoving his hands into his pockets.

“You alright darlin’?” He asked quietly, already knowing the outcome of that question.

I shook my head, looking down at my hands. It was all coming back. The anger, the frustration, the anxiety…the tears. It was hard to feel anything else when I looked at him. That wasn’t how it was supposed to be. That’s not how it used to be.

“What’s going on? I need to know.”

I looked over at him. “You were supposed to be home six hours ago.” I said simply, putting my pen down and pushing the notebook away from me. “That’s six hours, you kept me worried for six hours, John- I can’t handle that.” I rambled, my hands turning into fists in front of me. “I can’t…”

“Darlin’ please,” he murmured, moving beside me and turning the stool I was sitting on to face him. “Lei-“

I couldn’t control myself. It was the anger and the frustration- before I knew what I was doing, my hand came up and slapped him across the face. It was wrongly satisfying. I stood from the stool and moved to the other side of the kitchen bench. I didn’t trust myself. “Don’t- John- just don’t.”

“Leighton talk to me, this is the time- I’ve been patient with you but now I really need you to be honest and talk to me.” He stressed, running a hand through his hair. He shook the slap off, just like that. Like he knew he deserved it.

I felt the tears filling up my eyes, blurring my vision. I couldn’t see clearly, just like I couldn’t think straight. “You’re six hours late.”

“I know,” he sighed, “I know and I’m sorry. I drank too much at Halvo’s and ended up crashing at Tim’s. I passed out Lei and I only woke up thirty minutes ago.”

“We were supposed to talk, we had a deal- you promised me and you- do your promises to me mean anything anymore?” I asked angrily.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, not answering my question. “I know I keep fucking it up.”

“Yeah,” I nodded gently, “you do, a-and…and I feel like one day it’s going to harm Lucas.”

His head shot up, his eyes narrowing. “Y-you think I’m going to hurt Lucas? You think I’m going to harm him?!”

“Don’t yell at me!” I snapped, pointing at him. “You’re mixing alcohol with medication for fucks sake what do you expect me to think?!”

“I expect you to trust me with our son-“

“Don’t you dare talk to me about trust,” I scoffed, shaking my head. “You didn’t trust me enough to tell me about that fucking song and you didn’t trust me enough to tell me about the counsellor so don’t you dare accuse me of not trusting you!”

“My god Leighton is it always going to come down to that song?!” He thundered, officially breaking the sound barrier. “It means nothing! It’s a worthless song that means shit to me!”

“Then why was it so important to hide from me?!”

He opened his mouth to speak before closing it again. I had him speechless.

“Exactly. Hearing that song only brought out in you what I didn’t see before. You’ve changed, John. You never used to be like this, years ago we were fine…but now I have no clue who it is I’m living with. I don’t even think I want to find out.” I admitted, the emotions in my head making me sick to my stomach. I knew what was coming and god did it put a pain right through my heart.

“Leighton,” he whispered, reaching out for me. “Lei…baby calm down…”

“I can’t,” I choked, shaking my head. “I literally can’t anymore, I get so much anxiety when you drink it’s not funny. When I think about you I don’t get butterflies anymore, I get angry, and I feel stressed out. I can’t handle that, John.”

“That’s not fair to put it all on me,” he fought, “you’re obviously going through something, you’ve got anxiety Leighton, it’s clouding your judgement.”

It wasn’t, I knew clearly where it was all coming to.

“You were able to tell the whole world you didn’t love me, but you couldn’t tell me,” I whimpered, the tears spilling over. “Me. I’ve loved you for five years and you felt like you couldn’t tell me that. I don’t know who you are. I thought I wanted to marry you, John. But I can’t because I don’t know you anymore.” I choked, reaching behind my neck.

I saw it click in his eyes, the realization of it all. It was breaking my heart.

“Darlin’…”

“Five years, John- we have a son together and I no longer feel like you can look after him by yourself. Lucas loves you so much, but I don’t know if you deserve that. You’re too hard for him to love and at the end of the day it’s him that’s going to get hurt.”

“Don’t do this to me…I’ll get better- I promise- I love-“

“Don’t,” I cried, shaking my head as I unhooked the necklace. “I’m giving up- I can’t do it anymore. I think you stopped loving me a long time ago and I don’t have the strength to ignore it any longer.” I held out the necklace with the ring on it, but he didn’t take it.

“N-no,” he whispered, shaking his head. “Leighton-“

“Take it!” I yelled, shoving it in his hands. “We’re done, John! You’re killing me! You’re too hard for me to love, okay? I know I said I wouldn’t give up on you but I can’t do it anymore!”

He stood there in silence, his eyes trained on me. His jaw was set and his mouth was open, like if he moved he’d crumble. He couldn’t move.

I took a deep breath, shaking my hands out. “Okay. I’m going to pick Lucas up and when I get back you can say goodbye, but then I want you gone.”

“Leighton,” he whispered slowly, like what I was doing was unthinkable. “Just…stop, okay? Th-think about this-“

“I have,” I said simply, as if I wasn’t falling to pieces on the inside. “I’m breaking up with you. Don’t make this any harder than it has to be-“

“You’re the one making this harder!” He yelled, his eyes turning to anger. “I want to fix things and you- you want to break up?! That’s not…Leighton…we can’t just…”

“I’m doing what’s best for me and for Lucas, John. I gave you so many chances but you blew all of them!” I snapped, angry he wouldn’t just respect my decision. He had to know that this was hard on me too. “It never used to feel like this! I hate this, it isn’t what’s best for me or Lucas!”

“What about what’s best for us?! I love you, Leighton- my god can’t you see that?!”

“Honestly?! No, okay? I can’t.” I confessed, running a hand through my hair. “I can’t. Not anymore. It hurts to love you John, it hurts too much for it to be worth it. I’m done, we’re over.”

Just like that.

***

JOHN’S POV

No. No. No. No. No-this can’t be happening. She didn’t just break up with me. No. It’s us, it’s John and Leighton. We can’t be over and she can’t be done. It just- it can’t…

I looked down at the necklace in my hands. It was the ring I first ‘proposed’ with. I remember after my breakdown, she stuck by me, she didn’t leave me and she took me to my parents’ place so I could come clean with them. She put the ring around her neck because she said this was her committing to me.

But now it was in my hands and she didn’t want it.

Just like she didn’t want me. She didn’t want me in our home, and she didn’t want me around our son. She didn’t want me in our bed or beside her each day. She didn’t want me.

I reached my hand into my pocket and pulled out my phone. Somehow, I managed to dial Jared’s number. I ran a shaking hand through my hair.

“Hello?”

“Hey man, it’s me.”

“O’Callaghan I am not picking you up-“

“No dude, I…I need a place to stay.” I mumbled.

“What’s going on? Did you and Lei have a fight? At…eight o’clock in the morning- oh man…” He’d only been awake a few seconds and he already seemed to have me figured out. I hated how he was so damn good at that.

“Look, I’ll explain later, can I stay with you guys for a little while?” I asked quietly. I hated asking to live with my friends. I hated feeling like such a burden. I know asking to stay with Jared and Parker while they were expecting a baby wasn’t the best idea, but Eric was getting married next weekend and Tim worked with Lei, I didn’t need this interfering with her work. There was also no way in hell I was asking my parents for help. “If not I’ll just ask Kennedy.”

“No of course you can. When you coming over?” He asked softly, putting on his big brother voice.

“I don’t know. Could be in an hour. She’s picking up Lucas and then I have to go.” I sighed, feeling my eyes well up. Fuck.

“Shit…yeah it’s cool dude. I’ll see you soon.”

“Thank you so much man, you have no idea.” I mumbled, looking down at the chain in my hands. I said hung up before heading down the hall, in search of a bag.

Fuck. Just like that.

***

LEIGHTON’S POV

As soon as I got into my car I burst into tears. I sat there for a good ten minutes crying my eyes out before I was in finally in the right frame of mind to drive. I’d gone into that argument slightly knowing that an outcome like that would be possible. I’d tried to ignore that reality, but underneath it all I think I knew it had to happen.

I needed genuine time away from him. He wasn’t helping me get better and he wasn’t someone that I could lean on when it gets worse. I can’t see him being there for me- I hated it, but that was the truth of it.

I hated myself for doing that to him but there was nothing else I could have done. Giving him another chance would have just made things worse. I’d made my mind up in a few seconds but in my gut it felt right. Telling him about my sickness wouldn’t have changed anything, I was sure of it. All I knew was that I needed to be by myself for a little while in order to focus more on my health (and Lucas). I needed to revaluate my life and my feelings for him. I don’t know what it was I was feeling for him or what he was feeling for me, but it certainly didn’t feel like love and it hadn’t for a while.

I soon pulled up to the O’Callaghan family home. I wanted to laugh at how horrible this day had turned out. I’d ended my five-year relationship with my boyfriend and was now about to pick up said boyfriends’ child from said boyfriends’ parents’ home.

Perfect.

I took a deep breath before gathering myself and heading up to the front door. I don’t know how I was supposed to break it to Lucas, or Jenny for that matter. I knocked on the door and stood back, biting on my nails. What was I supposed to do? Lie? Or blatantly tell the truth-

“Hey Lei, come on in.”

I looked up and winced inwardly as Ross opened the door. Great. The more the merrier. “Hey Ross, long time no see.” I mumbled as he pulled me into a hug.

“Yeah you too babe, woa- are you okay? Have you been crying?” He asked softly, pulling back and looking me up and down.

“No it’s fine,” I nodded quickly, putting on a fake smile. “Allergies as usual. I think it’s the changing seasons or something.”

He didn’t buy it, but he didn’t ask, which I was thankful for. “Alright, well Lucas is upstairs with Jonah so I’ll go get him for you, ma’s in the kitchen.” He smiled softly.

“Did you guys stay over last night?” I asked as I closed the door behind me.

“Yeah, so did Shane. He’s upstairs still asleep, typically.” Ross mused.

“Typical O’Callaghan boys, huh?” I joked.

He sent me a knowing look before heading upstairs, leaving me to face Jenny in the kitchen.

“Leighton darling, come in.” Jenny smiled warmly, greeting me in a hug. “Oh- sweetheart, is everything okay?” She asked as she turned around from the stove. I knew she wouldn’t buy it. I couldn’t lie to her, she was basically my second mother.

“Me and John broke up this morning,” I said softly, trying to keep the tears to a minimum.

Her eyes widened in disbelief. “What? You’re not serious.”

I shrugged, shoving my hands in my pockets. “I’m really sorry, Jenny. I know you’re probably disappointed but I just couldn’t do it anymore. He wasn’t keeping his promises and we’ve been through a lot of shit and it’s just not worth the hurt anymore. I think this will be for the best.” I don’t know if that was the truth but right now I was holding up a strong front so I didn’t want to go into it enough to make me break down.

“Wait, you broke up with him?” That was all she seemed to get out of it. “He didn’t break up with you?”

Why did I think his mother would be on my side?

“Y-yes,” I nodded slowly. “It’s complicated and I-“

“Oh Leighton, are you sure this isn’t something you can’t work through? I can recommend you to a family therapist, Jay and I can help you two through this.” She insisted, rubbing my arm affectionately.

“No Jenny I really think we’ll be better like this. I just can’t do it anymore. I need time to focus on myself and Lucas.” I explained, sending her a firm look. “I’ll also need my medical bill. I’ll be switching it over to my own insurance-“

“Oh don’t be silly,” Jenny insisted. “You’re still family.”

“Jenny please,” I pleaded, “I need to do this.”

She seemed to understand what I meant and nodded. “Alright sweetheart,” she said softly, “is my son moving out?”

I nodded quietly. “When we get back. He’s going to say goodbye to Lucas and then he’s gone.”

“So when will he see Lucas?” She asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

The pressure to answer each and every question correctly was on. This was his mother I was dealing with. “I-I’m not sure yet. I want to make it easy for Lucas. John will probably have him a few days during the week.”

“I see,” Jenny nodded. “I really hope this is something you can work out, Leighton. You and John are good together, it just takes time and a lot of effort.”

“Something he hasn’t been putting in,” I mumbled.

“Mama!”

A small smile grew on my lips as I turned around to greet my little boy. I hugged him tightly to my chest, taking a moment to appreciate him. It was just going to be us two for a while, and he was someone I couldn’t let down. I was doing this not only for myself, but for Lucas. He deserved to live in a home without fights and without a bad relationship between his parents.

“Were you good for grandma and grandpa?” I asked him firmly.

“Yes!” He nodded quickly.

“And Uncle Ross?” I pushed.

“Yes mama!” Lucas giggled. “We watched Spiderman!”

“Did you?” I gasped, feigning excitement for him. “Come on buddy let’s get you home.” I said, lifting him up as I stood. Big mistake, I almost lost my footing if it wasn’t for Ross securing me.

“You okay?” Ross asked, taking Lucas into his arms.

“Yeah,” I blushed, rubbing my forehead. “Just dizzy. Thank you.”

“Come on, I’ll help you guys to the car.” He nodded.

I said goodbye to Jenny and we headed out to my car, where Ross strapped Lucas in, placing his bag on the backseat. “Thank you, I appreciate it.” I said. “I haven’t been feeling too good recently.”

“So I hear,” he stated, closing Lucas’ door. “What’s this about you and John breaking up?”

I raised an eyebrow. “You were eavesdropping?”

“Correction, I overheard.” He said, sending me a look. He looked just like John when he did that. “It’s not true, is it?”

“Why would I tell your mom if it wasn’t?” I shrugged, playing with my car keys. “Look it happened less than an hour ago, it’s not the easiest thing to talk about.”

“I understand,” he sighed, pulling me in for a hug. “If you need anything at all from me or the Mrs, just give us a call, okay? You’re still family, Lei. We still love you.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, pulling back.

“Of course,” He nodded sadly.

I got into the car and waved before pulling out of the driveway before heading down the street, back home. “So did you have a good night baby?” I asked Lucas, whilst I tried my best to gather myself.

“Yes mommy,” Lucas beamed. “Are we going to the park today? Can you come with me and daddy? I want you to watch me play baseball.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat, fanning my eyes as we stopped at a red light. “Baby…mommy has to tell you something,” I said softly, using one hand to reach into the back seat and grab his hand.

“What is it mama?” He chimed.

“When we get home, you have to say goodbye to daddy, alright?” I started, not knowing how to explain this to him. This was even harder than talking to him about Austin and Hilary’s divorce, or John’s depression.

“Why? Where’s dada going?” Lucas asked.

“He’s…” Where was he going? I don’t know whom he was staying with or whether he was going to a hotel. “He’s moving out of our house for a little while. Mommy and daddy…we’re not going to be living together for a while.”

I looked up in the rear view mirror as I advance from a green light, both hands on the wheel. My heart broke as Lucas’ face crumpled up, his eyes filling with tears.

“But mama…you promised dada wouldn’t go away…” Lucas whimpered.

My own eyes filled with tears as Lucas started crying in the back seat. God dammit I wasn’t strong enough for the both of us.

“Lucas, baby you’ll still get to see daddy!” I insisted, trying to soothe him while driving at the same time. All I wanted to do was hold him but I had to get us home and I couldn’t take my eyes off of the road. “Lucas calm down bub.”

“But-but-but y-y-ou don’t l-l-ove dada anym-more,” he sobbed loudly. “You m-make him l-leave!”

“Lucas, mommy and daddy might not be together anymore but that doesn’t mean you won’t see him, okay? You can see him all during the week, and on the weekends too. You’ll just be living with mommy, alright? It won’t be forever, darling.” I couldn’t promise him that, but I just wanted him to stop crying, it was destroying me.

“Are you having not samw last name?” He whimpered.

I frowned in confusion. “What?”

“Are you and daddy having not s-same last n-names?” He sniffled, pushing his question.

“Baby mommy and daddy have always had different last names. You and daddy have the same last name but mommy doesn’t.” I explained. “Why do you ask that?”

“B-because you said Uncle Austin and Aunt Hil-Hilly have diff-different last names now.” Lucas whined, before he started crying again.

“Darlin’,” I sighed, pulling into the driveway. As soon as Lucas saw that we were home, he started kicking at the door, especially when he saw John leave the house with a bag in his hand. God it was all happening and I could only feel the sickening twist in my stomach. I got out of the car and opened Lucas’ door, unstrapping him from his seat. He didn’t even wait for me to help him down, he got down himself and started hitting at me, trying to get away from me.

“No!” He screamed, trying to reach over my shoulder for John as he kicked at my ribs.

“Lucas, come on buddy.” I mumbled, grabbing his bag and carrying him inside. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“No! I want daddy! I want daddy to st-stay!” Lucas cried, tears dripping down his cheeks.

“Pass him here,” John said softly, opening his arms for Lucas. I passed him over and let John take him into the living room, cradling his head on his shoulder to calm him down. The sooner he was gone, the better I could deal with this. Just seeing him made it all so much worse for me.

I headed down the hall to our bedroom (well I guess it was my bedroom now) and found the bag he used for tour open on our bed. It seemed like he was really taking most of his stuff with him, to wherever he was going.

I finished filling his bag with his clothes and shoes, emptying most of his drawers too. I stopped when I picked up his high school baseball jersey. That was something he usually left behind when he went on tour because he knew I wore it while he was away because I missed him during the night. He never really said anything about it, but I knew he knew. I looked around the room, saddened at how empty it seemed. Even his things from the bathroom were gone. That’s how serious this all was.

No. I had to stay strong. This was what I needed.

“I’m staying with Jared.”

I jumped at the sound of his voice, not expecting him so soon as he entered the room. “What?” I asked quietly.

He stood by the door, hands in his pockets. “I’m staying with Jared, until you…until…how long do you want me gone?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“A week? I don’t want to impose on them for too long-“

“I was thinking a few months.” I mumbled, looking down at my feet. When I was pregnant I couldn’t see my feet. Now it was hard to believe I was ever pregnant at all. “Might be permanently. You should probably look at property listings-”

“What? Leighton…that’s…you can’t be serious?” John scoffed. “We can fix-“

“John don’t,” I snapped, crossing my arms. “Just go.”

He shot me a glare before grabbing his bag and zipping it up. He stopped when he saw the jersey on the bed, noticing I hadn’t put it in his bag. I held my breath, a part of me hoping he wouldn’t take it.

He didn’t.

He left the bedroom and I followed him to the front door, observing that he’d put Lucas down to sleep on the couch. I don’t know how he did it, but I knew I’d be dealing with an angry and confused three year old in about an hour or two.

“When do I get to see him?” John asked flatly, like he had nothing left in him.

“Monday. I’ll text you on Sunday.” I mumbled.

He nodded, lingering for a moment before walking out onto the porch and down the front steps to his truck. He threw his bag in the back before walking to the driver’s door. “Leighton?” He called, looking up at me.

I looked at him, waiting. Was it another generic apology-

“I love you.”

I felt my insides crumble and my world fall apart. He was leaving. I’d ended our relationship. We were done. It was over. We were no longer a couple…we were singular. It wasn’t Leighton and John, it was just Leighton, and just John. I never thought I’d feel like this- I never thought I’d be the one to end our relationship. I always thought we’d be together forever-that’s what I thought I’d always want.

The sick feeling took over as I closed the door and leant against it, feeling myself break down. I slid down the door and buried my face into my hands, unable to hold it all in any longer.

We were over.

Just like that.