White Walls

7.30am, Thursday Morning

There hadn’t been any progress overnight, which was a bad sign. The doctors had told us that the next twenty-four hours would be critical, so to find that Lei had made absolutely no progress was a very bad sign.

I’d been on the phone all morning, with Lei’s parents, my parents, Austin, Dr. Adams, my therapist, Lei’s doctor, everyone. I was keeping everybody up to date and basically just trying to find ways to keep myself preoccupied. I couldn’t just sit there thinking the worse or I’d get sick.

“John!”

My head shot up as I heard my name being called. Standing, I greeted Eric and Jac as they came rushing down the hall, crushing me in hugs.

“How is she?” Was Jac’s immediate response.

“Not well,” I admitted, rubbing the back of my neck. “She’s only breathing because a ventilator is doing it for her. She was supposed to make progress, but she hasn’t.”

“Shit,” Eric breathed, shaking his head. “What happened? She passed out?”

I nodded, swallowing deeply. “She was at work and she fell through a glass shelf. The glass got her in the back of her head- there’s a high chance she’ll wake up with brain damage, if she wakes up at all.”
I watched as Jac’s eyes filled with tears, upset by the information.

“Can we see her?” She whimpered, clinging to Eric. Her husband.

I nodded softly. “Of course.”

“Thanks man,” Eric sighed, patting me on the shoulder as they went inside.

I walked over to my chair and took a seat beside Hilary. She’d come in first thing this morning to keep me company, almost like she was swapping shifts with Tim. To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what they were doing.

“You planning on going in today?” She asked sensitively, looking up from her phone.

I nodded quietly. “Maybe later. I guess need to face it.”

“This could be the last time you see her like this, John. I hate to say it, but you know how things are going.” She sighed, rubbing my leg affectionately. “It might be too much on her body.”

“I don’t get how she couldn’t tell me about something like that.” I sighed, clearly distressed.

“She didn’t tell you because she didn’t want you to stay for pity.”

“W-what?” I stuttered, completely shocked. She thought I would pity her? Did she completely deny my love for her?! Oh wait, yeah she did- she said I ‘betrayed’ her love for me. That hurt when she said it- I know I may have just yelled back, but internally, it hurt.

“That’s what she told me, John.” Hilary said firmly, looking over at me. “She wouldn’t say that if she didn’t feel that way. You know she doesn’t like to complain unless it’s absolutely necessary. ”

I turned in my seat, facing her. I felt like I was about to have a full-on gossip session, or deep conversation, or whatever it was she did with my girlfriend. Whatever it was that I should have done with my girlfriend.

Well, ex-girlfriend I guess.

I’ll never forgive myself if Leighton died and I didn’t get to make up with her. I didn’t want her to go and not know how much I loved her.

“But she knows that I love her, right?” I asked, hoping Hilary would have the answers I was looking for.

She shrugged, sending me a sympathetic look. “I honestly don’t think she did. At one point she basically said she wasn’t telling you because she had to secure your relationship so Lucas wouldn’t suffer. She put him before her health, John.”

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. “Shit. Shit, Hil. I didn’t realise our relationship fell apart so quickly. She made it perfectly clear that she didn’t want me around anymore, which I didn’t ever think I’d hear from her, y’know? I guess I just took our relationship for granted, treated it like it was going to be there forever.”

“That’s exactly what you need to tell her,” Hilary laughed in disbelief, as if I was completely unable to come to that sort of realisation. “Wow your timing is fucking terrible, John.”

I sent her a look. “Well when she wakes up I’ll be sure to tell her straight away.”

“She said she wanted space, remember?”

“Well…yeah, but she’s going to be going through a lot. I can’t make her do that alone. She’ll have to go through the anorexia thing and the recovery process…that’s not something she can handle by herself.” I stated. “I was going to help her through that.”

She winced, derailing my confidence. “I’ll be there for her, John. Maybe you should just focus on yourself and Lucas.”

I frowned, confused. Was she telling me to stay away from Leighton? “What?”

“She broke up with you, remember? That still applies. You’re not her boyfriend anymore- and as much as I feel like a bitch for saying it, you still need to respect her decision because whether she’s in a coma or not, that was her final say on the matter.” Hilary sighed, running a hand through her ratty blonde hair.

I sat back, kind of offended, even though I knew it was the truth and she was right. Leighton’s bad health didn’t change her decision on ending our relationship. When she woke up (yes, I was saying ‘when’ instead of ‘if’) we would still be apart. I would still be living with Jared and I’d still be single. Leighton’s situation at the moment just put us in a hard place. It wasn’t my place anymore to nurse her back to health. I didn’t get to do that.

“This is just so…alien to me, Hil. She’s…she’s not mine anymore.” I choked, feeling myself get emotional in front of her. I hated getting like this in front of anyone that wasn’t Leighton or my mother. I hardly ever cried in front of them, but I felt safe enough to be vulnerable, due to years of getting used to it.

Hilary wrapped her arms around me, sighing. “I know, John. I understand. I’m still not used to being divorced.”

“But at least he’s getting better,” I pointed out, “Leighton might never get better.”

“Hey, you can’t think like that, alright? I know there’s a high chance she’ll come out of this damaged beyond repair, but you still need to think positively, okay? I know it’s hard, but you have to. You don’t have a choice, because you have to be there for that little boy if his mom doesn’t make it, you understand?” She whimpered. I could see the realisation settling in on Hilary as she herself began to lose hope.

Leighton might not actually make it out of this. That’s a real possibility.

***

2.47pm, Thursday Afternoon.

I looked down at the coffee in my hands as I hung up my phone. I’d made a few calls out to Lei’s parents, my parents and back to Jared so I could talk to Lucas. I didn’t know what to do with him right now, I didn’t want him coming here to see Lei, but at the same time, I didn’t have it in me to leave her side.

Well, the hall. I hadn’t gone into her room yet.

“You okay bud?” Eric asked as he sat beside me, a fresh coffee in his hand. “I know it’s a stupid question.”

I didn’t know how to answer. No, I wasn’t okay. But she was worse.

“When Tim called, as soon as I told Jac, she wanted to come home.” He spoke, not necessarily to me, but just…out loud. “So we came home. Couldn’t really enjoy it knowing this.”

“I’m sor-“

“No, don’t man, it’s not your fault- hell it’s not Lei’s fault,” Eric scoffed, shaking his head as he gripped my shoulder. “God I really feel for you guys, y’know? You’ve been through hell and back and you’re going again…it just seems unfair.”

“I guess that’s just how it goes,” I shrugged lightly, not wanting to attract sympathy or pity. I guess me and Leighton were too alike to make a relationship work.

“You remember when we were kids? And we used to fight over who had to get married first because we were totally disgusted by girls and neither of us wanted to even go near one?” Eric chuckled sadly.

“We said whoever did first was a pussy. Yeah man, it took everything not to bring that up in my speech at the wedding.” I admitted with a laugh.

“God look how we’ve changed huh?” He mused. “I’m married and you’re a dad. It’s crazy shit.”

“I think we changed for the better, y’know? If we didn’t change we’d still be two douchebags in baggy jeans.” I scoffed, shaking my head.

“We’d probably both still be virgins too.” He snorted.

We sat in silence for a few seconds before we couldn’t help but laugh. That was his goal and he succeeded. I think he knew me well enough to know that simply asking me if I was okay wasn’t going to get us very far. It wasn’t an easy question to answer, especially for me. Being my best friend, he knew that.

“Thanks,” I said softly, once the laughter had subsided. I sunk into my chair.

He nodded quietly, giving my shoulder a shake. “However long you want me here, man.”

I looked over at him. “You should spend time with your wife. Make up for the honeymoon.”

“You sure you don’t want some company?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. “It’s just me and you.”

“I should get in there anyway.” I sighed, rubbing my jaw. “Once Jac’s finished.”

“I don’t know how you do it, man. I couldn’t keep myself together half as well as you have if I saw Jac looking that,” Eric sighed, shaking his head.

I frowned. “What?”

“Lei? Like with how her face looks and her-dude- oh my God, you haven’t been in there yet?!” He almost scolded me.

I looked away, ashamed. “I can’t fucking go in there, okay?”

“John, man, she’s your-“

“Ex.”

Eric rolled his eyes. “It’s Leighton, man. She’s more than that and you know it.”

“Look it’s not because we broke up, alright? I just don’t know if I can handle seeing her like that…it’s too much man, it’s took fucking much.” I choked. God my emotions were all over the place. I hadn’t taken my medication or the mood stabilizers in two days.

His eyes scanned my face, picking up on the obvious breakdown symptoms. “John- she might really die in there, man. You can’t afford not to take advantage of your time with her right now. Talk to her, sit with her- she’s probably scared as hell right now, all she’ll want…is you.”

“She deserves better,” I said firmly, shaking my head. “She deserves someone that can care for her and Lucas better than I can.”

“That’s can be you. All you have to do is be better. It’s that simply. Show her you can care for her, dude.” Eric sighed. “Don’t let her get away.”

Jac left Leighton’s room, her eyes red and still full of tears. “Baby can we go home?” She asked Eric quietly as she stopped behind me and squeezed my shoulders.

“Yeah darlin’.” Eric nodded, standing. His wedding band gleamed in the shitty hospital lighting. “You gonna be alright by yourself?” He asked, more so about my mental health than over Lei.

I nodded. “I’ll manage. Do you…do you think you could bring Lucas by in the morning?” I asked quietly,
putting a hand over Jac’s on my shoulder.

“Of course,” she nodded, kissing my cheek. “Take it easy, hun. And let us know if anything happens.”

“I will,” I nodded.

“We’ll see you tomorrow man,” Eric nodded, before he and Jac left. I envied the way they walked down the hall together, his arms tightly around her shoulders as she hugged his torso.

They looked so…together. They were a solid unit. That’s where I think Leighton and myself differentiate. We were like two units coming together, but not trusting enough in eachother to merge as one. It was hard, the way we worked. We were constantly keepings things from each other and not being honest. Jac and Eric didn’t do that. Neither did Jared and Parker, or Kennedy and Lydia.

You’d think growing up with these people and their relationships I would have learnt a thing or two. I guess it was more difficult for us because for a while we were too caught up in my mental health. We didn’t have to let it consume us but we did.

And then we had a baby and it got even harder.

And then Leighton lost track of her own health.

And then I lied to her, which caused her to lie to me.

Maybe we were better off as two separate units after all. Maybe we were stronger apart than we were together.

“Mr O’Callaghan?”

I looked up to see Dr Adams standing beside me, a clipboard in hand. “Dr A, hi.” I mumbled.

“How are you holding up, John?” He asked simply, like he already knew the answer. I think people just asked to be polite.

I shrugged. “She’s doing worse.”

“That’s true, but I want to know how you’re doing.” He stated, twisting the wedding band around his ring finger. I didn’t realise he was married.

“I’m managing.” I sighed, running a hand through my hair. This wasn’t supposed to be about me, it was supposed to be about her. “It’s just…painful.”

“I can understand that,” he nodded slowly. “I can also understand why that may frighten you about
going in to see her.”

My head shot up. “I’m not frightened.”

“It sure as hell looks like it, kid.” He retorted.

“It’s hard okay? I can’t go in there knowing I caused her all of that pain. I just can’t.” I muttered, looking down at my hands. Maybe I should go home. I wanted to go to bed and hopefully never have to wake up and face another day. Eric and Jac would make better parents than I ever did. I know Leighton would prefer Lucas going with them than me on my own.

God she was such a good mother.

“You didn’t cause that pain, John.” Dr Adams sighed. “This isn’t your fault. Sure, you could have communicated a hell of a lot better, but at the end of the day, you’re not responsible for her actions.”

“But I was supposed to protect her,” I choked, feeling the withdrawals from my meds. God I should have taken them. “I was supposed to make sure she never got hurt. That was my job. And now my sons’ last words to her were words of hate and I didn’t know she’d withered away into nothing- nothing but a sick, sad girl who deserved so much more love than she got.”

It wasn’t long before I was breaking down, again.

***

12:03am, Friday Morning.

I downed the last of my coffee before standing from the seat I’d been occupying for the past…however long. It’d been more than twenty-four hours, I knew that much. Today, I was going to see her. I was beginning to lose hope after all this time. One of the nurses mentioned that sometimes patients in comas could hear what people were saying, although they couldn’t respond. I know it was a long shot, but I was past praying at this stage.

God wasn’t listening to me anymore. He hadn’t been for a while.

I walked to her door, each step feeling like I was lifting a gigantic cement log out of the ground. I didn’t know what to expect. Thin? Sick? Lifeless? I couldn’t remember how Eric had described her, which worried me all the more.

I stopped at her door, placing my hand against the wood before pushing it open slowly. My heart was racing again. Dr Adams had gotten me a new prescription, considering I’d left my meds at Jared’s. They’d calmed me down, but only slightly. I was still falling to pieces at every thought without her in my life.

When I laid eyes on her, my heart throbbed painfully. This wasn’t Leighton. It couldn’t be. This girl that I was looking at looked nothing like her. How had I not noticed any of this?
My hand shot to my mouth as it quivered, the tears leaving my eyes as I stood frozen in the door way. Her cheeks and eyes were sunken in. She had a large gash on the left side of her face that was dangerously close to her eye. It was stitched up, but it still looked fucking terrible. And her hair…her hair was gone. They chopped it all off into some sort of pixie cut, my best guess was so that it was easier to operate on the back of her head. All that gorgeous hair…

She had a few injuries on her arms, from the glass. There was a tube taped to the side of her mouth, to help her breath, I guess. Apart from that, she looked…no, she was broken all over.

“Fuck, Lei.” I whimpered, closing the door behind me as I made my way over to her. I hadn’t been this close to her in days. I collapsed into the seat beside her bed that I could only imagine had been filled by various people that loved her, wanting her to pull through. “Look at you.”

I reached out and pushed the hair off of her face. I wonder if she’ll like the cut. She looked so fragile, I almost didn’t want to touch her. Her arms were covered in bruises and small cuts from the glass, and I could only imagine that they were all over the rest of her body too. She was so thin, I don’t know how she didn’t shatter with the shelf.

“I’m so sorry for this, baby,” I sighed, caressing her forehead with my thumb. “I’m so sorry you were suffering through this alone. You didn’t deserve that. I should have been there.”

I should have been there. I should have noticed she was losing too much weight and I should have cared more when she had the nosebleed. I should have questioned the medication in the bathroom and I should have listened when she tried to reach out to me.

But I didn’t do any of those things and now she might die. Leighton might actually die. I can’t imagine a world without her, or even my life without her. For so long she’s been the reason I woke up and got out of bed each day. I just hadn’t realised it. I think subconsciously I put her and Lucas before the band and it scared the shit out of me, putting most of myself into something as unstable as love. So I retracted, because I was weak.

And now that could all be taken away from me. They’ll take Lucas away from me because of my sickness and I’ll never see him again. I’ll probably wither away and die too. I don’t think I could survive another depression without her. I don’t think I could survive without her, period. If she goes…I don’t think I could stop myself from going too.

It’s not long before I realise I’m crying. Again. This time I knew it wasn’t because of the medication. I knew it because this is what it felt like to lose somebody. This is what it felt like to have a broken heart. This is what it felt like to have your world fall to pieces around you.

“God, I’m so sorry Lei.”