White Walls

When I woke up I was hit by harsh blind light of the Arizona sun, bouncing off the white walls of an unfamiliar room. I looked around, nothing coming to mind about where I was or what I was doing here- the only thing I knew, was that my entire body ached. My heart hurt like crazy, a numbness taking over as I slowly opened my eyes-

There was a tube in my mouth. I tried to gasp for a breath but failed, setting my heart into a frenzy.
There were wires coming out of my arms- I was in a hospital bed with John asleep in the chair beside me, his hand interlocked around mine. Why were we holding hands? Why was he with me? Why was I in the hospital? Why couldn’t I fucking breathe?

I yanked my hand out of his (not because we weren’t together and he had no place for that, but because I couldn’t breathe) and gripped my neck as I started coughing, struggling to breathe.

“John,” I croaked, shoving him with a wired hand. God I looked like a fucking robot. My head was
aching with pain, it was so bad I thought I was going to pass out. He didn’t move, he had bags under his eyes- he looked exhausted. I slapped him on the back of the head and he shot up, his eyes widening. “I can’t…I can’t fucking…fuck…I can’t bre-breathe-“ My voice was coming out raspy, and it felt like a cat had clawed through my vocal chords. My face heart. My chest hurt.

Everything hurt.

“Holy fuck- Leighton? Oh my god, Lei, baby, do you know who I am?” He questioned, getting too close for my liking.

“Of course-course I fucking do- John I ca-can’t fuck-fucking breathe!” I snapped, struggling with each word. This tube in my mouth was only intensifying my struggle, if he hadn’t noticed. This wasn’t a good fucking time for him to play his little mind games. ’Do you remember me?’ of course I fucking do, you broke my heart you asshole.

“Shit, I’ll get your doctor.” He mumbled, rushing to the door to hail some doctor whose name sounded like hockey- I was too overwhelmed and in pain to give a crap about what came out of his mouth at this point.

It wasn’t long before a team of doctors flooded into the room, pushing John out of the way to get to me, help me breathe. I’ve never seen any of them before so I don’t know why John said they were ‘my’ doctors-

“Leighton I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I need you to calm down,” one of them said as he pushed me back down. To be honest that just made it worse- calm down? I’ll show you calm-
“Quick, get the tubes out, have the panels ready in case her heart fails again- up the pain killers and get her more- Leighton, this is going to hurt a little, but it’ll clear your airways and allow you to breathe on your own, okay? But we need you to take slow, deep breaths, your heart is still fragile so we just need to take it one step at a time.” He told me, scaring me half to death just with his words- my heart had failed? How long had I been in here? I knew I must have been knocked out in someway, because I couldn’t remember a whole lot about the last few hours. I know that earlier this morning I fainted at work but that’s about it. I don’t remember much else about that morning.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by a stinging pain in my chest, causing me to gasp for air continuously before they replaced the tubes in my throat with an oxygen mask, helping me with the activity I used to take for granted.

I don’t think I could handle this pain.

My head dropped to the side, my eyes landing on John’s, creating tears in both of ours. He wasn’t allowed to come any closer- quite frankly I didn’t want him any closer- but I needed somebody, I was scared shitless right now.

“I love you,”

I turned away. No. I couldn’t see that. He couldn’t do this to me. This doesn’t change anything- he hurt me- he hurt me and it felt worse than this, than all of this pain. His emotional pain felt a hell of a lot worse than this physical pain could ever feel.

“Just calm down, Leighton, take deep easy breaths, that’s it, you’ll be feeling tired now, that’s the medication.” The doctor told me, checking my charts as the team of nurses stepped back. “Don’t resist that, Leighton. You’ll need all the rest you can-“

And then I was out, but this time, it was okay.

***

JOHN’S POV

I stood outside Leighton’s room, hands shaking as I tried to hold the tiny Styrofoam cup that held the viciously hot coffee. Eric figured it’d help. It didn’t, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

When Dr Hackney emerged from her room, I looked up, as did Leighton’s parents.

“Is she okay?” I asked, bombarding him with the questions. “What happened? Is she-“

“She’s just fine, Mr O’Callaghan,” Dr Hackney nodded in disbelief. “She shouldn’t be, but she is.”

“How can she be fine? Not long ago she was on life support!” Her father cried incredulously.

“Right now I’m just as shocked as you are, Mr Johnson,” Dr Hackney agreed, shaking his head. “Leighton seems to have her memory back, she can function just fine…that’s not to say we aren’t still concerned. Her heart still needs time to recover from the stress she’s endured, and there’s the obvious weight issue, but aside from all that, she actually looks better than she should.” He stated.

“What do you mean by that?” I murmured, still shocked she had her memory back. She said my name, she knew who I was. Internally I took the biggest sigh of relief possible- Lucas hadn’t lost his mother.

“She was in critical condition this morning, Mr O’Callaghan, and now she’s breathing on her own. We don’t like to use this term in medicine very often, but…this outcome is honestly a miracle.” He sighed,
“She’s a very lucky girl.”

Oh if only he knew the half of it.

“So she’s going to be okay?” Leighton’s mother repeated, just for good measure.

“We’re going to run a few more tests when she wakes up and we’ll be keeping her under a watchful
eye, but so far, she looks alright. I do advise you give her some time to adjust, she’ll be wanting an explanation and it’s better that I do it, just to give her the right facts.”

After that I kind of fell into my own world, tired of the technical medical speak I’d been hearing non-stop the past few weeks. I was ready to take her home already.

Dr Hackney soon disappeared down the hall, allowing Leighton’s parents to go inside and sit with her as she slept. I think Leighton would have preferred I wait outside (it was just the look in her eyes earlier that told me) so I did so, taking a seat beside my best friend.

The mood was much better.

“I can’t fucking believe it,” Eric chuckled, shaking his head. “You two- all this shit and you get the most ridiculous good luck at the most ridiculous time…Jesus Christ man.”

“You got me,” I scoffed, running a hand through my hair, in desperate need of a wash. “She’s a fucking miracle, that’s for sure.”

“So she remembered you then?” Eric asked, looking over at me.

I looked at him and nodded. “Shit dude, it was one of the craziest feelings. It’s like, my life kept going, y’know? I don’t know how I was supposed to explain to Lucas his mom didn’t know who he was- to have her memory back? That’s the most important thing. The rest of this with her physical health, we can get through that.”

“You seem adamant about getting back together.” He mused.

I shrugged. “It’s not even that, I just want to be in a good place with her, then work up from there. I’ll do whatever it takes to fix things.”

“Well that’s good bro, I’m happy for you.”

“And what about you? You guys enjoying married life?” I asked, taking the initiative to move the focus onto his life. I’d been so consumed with my own problems lately, I’d hardly taken the time to think about my friends and see how they were doing.

“Yeah we’re okay,” he nodded with a small smile. “I think when things go back to normal around here we’ll go on a trip so we can finish our honeymoon, then we’ll go back to talking about family; all that kinda stuff.” He explained, sending me a look at the end.

“You guys are really keen on starting a family then?”

“Well, she is. It’s all up to her, really. If we do, we do, but if we can’t, I don’t mind it just being us two, y’know? She’s all I need. Kids would be great but I’m good with just my girl.” He shrugged simply, a smile pulling at his lips. He was so in love with her. I was happy for him, I really, really was.

“Dude, you’re so whipped.”

***

It was three hours later when Leighton finally woke up. Jac had shown up about an hour ago with Lucas, so her and Eric left, which was fine with me. They were still in their honeymoon phase so I didn’t blame them for wanting to spend a little alone time together. I could see that Jac wanted to wait until Leighton was awake before leaving, but they both looked like they could use the time to themselves so I managed to convince her to go home with Eric. He was thankful for that.

I’d called my family and a few friends to let them in on Leighton’s progress, glad to finally give them all some good news. My mother was overwhelmed, crying through the phone as I spoke to her. She was always an emotional woman.

Meanwhile though, my leg was falling asleep as Lucas sat on my lap, playing around with Leighton’s iPad, as he usually did. I wasn’t overly keen on the amount of time he spent with all of these new gadgets, not wanting him to become one of those kids you saw glued to the computer. I didn’t mind videogames, but actually seeing kids with phones in their hands scared me.

“What are you doing on there, bub?” I asked him as I looked over his shoulder to see he was playing some sort of kids game Leighton must have downloaded for him. I’d also noticed she’d swapped her usual pink iPad cover for the bulky blue one that she used whenever Lucas was in possession, as he was prone to dropping things that really shouldn’t be dropped.

“P-playing a g-game,” he told me, eyes glued to the screen. “But I keep losing dada. Mama never loses at this game.”

“She’s good at it, is she?”

“Yes.”

I nodded, my eyes drifting down the hall to where a group of young nurses stood. I’d noticed them looking over at me every few minutes, with flirtatious smiles on their faces. I was flattered, but obviously not interested. They must have recognized me or something, because they sure as hell wouldn’t look twice at me otherwise- I knew I looked like a chaotic mess right now.

When Leighton finally did wake up, Lucas and I waited outside her hospital room as her doctor spoke with her and her parents. The door was open so I could hear everything they were saying, how he explained to her the coma, and how long she’d been under for. I drifted in and out of the conversation, trying to attend to Lucas’ many questions and facts about things he’d seen on the Discovery Channel.
After another half hour, they all left the room together.

“John, she wants to see you and Lucas,” Her mother told me, wiping her eyes with a tissue. I don’t know if they were happy tears or what, but it occurred to me that maybe mothers just like to cry an awful lot.

“Yeah okay,” I mumbled, feeling nervous about going in there. With the way she looked at me earlier, it was evident she hadn’t forgotten our break up, or how much she hates me. I doubt she’d want to see me now. I stood, lifting Lucas into my arms as they allowed me some alone time with my family. No matter what, she was always going to be my family. “You ready to see mama?” I asked Lucas softly.
He nodded frantically, almost dropping the iPad in the process. I took it for him as we walked in, knowing it would soon drop to the bottom of his priorities (much like it would to the floor). When we walked into her room, her eyes filled with tears as soon as she saw us. I think that was more for Lucas than myself.

“Mama!” He squealed, making grabby-hands for her.

“Baby…” she cooed, holding her arms out for him. She looked so different with short hair- I knew it was something that I was going to have to get used to seeing. It was so much more obvious how thin she was. I wonder if they’d spoken with her about that?

I walked over to the bed and placed him in her arms, hoping he wasn’t too heavy for her now. “Is that okay-“

“Fine.” She mumbled back to me before taking Lucas in and holding him close to her. “Hey baby, how are you?” She asked softly, kissing the top of his head.

“I missed you mama,” Lucas whined, wrapping his arms tightly around her neck.

“Luke, be careful,” I mumbled, rubbing his back. “Mama’s still sick.”

“It’s okay,” she said softly, cupping Lucas’ face and kissing him on the nose. “Have you been good for daddy?”

“Yes,” Lucas nodded quickly. “He’s been very sad mama.”

I blushed, wishing he wouldn’t say things like that. Leighton looked at me awkwardly, not knowing what to say. “Uh, how are you feeling?”

“Alright,” she nodded slowly. “I guess we…have some things to talk about.”

I was surprised for starters, not expecting her to say that. To be honest, I expected her to be a little more…hostile towards me. “Oh y-yeah, of course.” I nodded. “You want me to get your mom to take him?”

She spent another minute cradling our son before responding. “That would be good,” she nodded quietly, struggling to lift him from her lap. So he was too heavy for her now. Of course she wouldn’t tell me something like that. Her pride was the one thing that was going to hurt her-well, by the looks of it, it already had.

“Here, I’ve got it.” I offered, taking him from her. “Okay bub you’re gonna sit with grandma for a little
bit, okay?”

I was shaking with nerves as I walked back into her room, closing the door behind me. I just wanted to wrap my arms around her, let her know I was so glad she was back. I wanted to hold her, let her break down, get it all out. She’s held so much in; I was worried it was all going to come out when nobody was around for her.

“You can sit, y’know. That’s what you were doing when I woke up.” She mumbled, pointing to the chair beside her bed.

I nodded and did as she said, not knowing where to start. Do I apologize for everything? Or were we not talking about ‘us’ just yet? Should I just go out on a limb and take all the blame? Was that what she wanted?

“They told me about the memory loss, and how I didn’t know who you were,” Leighton started, staring at the wall in front of her. I watched quietly as her eyes filled with tears, tears that she ignored, pushed to the side. “Which means I wouldn’t have remembered Lucas-“

“I didn’t bring Lucas in- I didn’t want him to experience that.” I cut in, in case she’d thought otherwise.

“Yeah, that’s what they told me. God, I couldn’t imagine living a life without you two in it.” She admitted, her voice turning into a whisper as she went on. She looked over at me with a cold stare.
“That doesn’t mean anything though- I’m not saying I-“

“No I know.” I nodded awkwardly. I didn’t think this whole ordeal would make her forget everything that happened between us. I still had to work for it.

“I just- you gave me him, y’know? Without you I wouldn’t have him and without him…if I lost him- and without even remembering him, it hurts John.” She whimpered, running a hand through her short hair.

“But it’s okay-you remember him now and he doesn’t know any different. It’s okay Leighton, you haven’t lost him- you won’t lose him.” I said firmly, reaching out to rub her arm affectionately. It was weird, touching her like this. We were like two separate units.

“And my fucking hair,” she chuckled bitterly through her tears as she shook her head, moving her arm away from me. “They cut my fucking hair.”

“If it counts for anything, I think you look gorgeous with or without your long hair.” I shrugged, sitting back in my chair.

“It’s just so much change, all at once.” She said quietly, unable to stop her hands running through her shorter locks. I wouldn’t blame her- my hair was longer than hers. “At least I don’t have to worry about you showing me up- your hair looks horrible, John.”

Well, she wasn’t wrong there.

“I uh, I’ve had other things on my mind.” I mused, sending her a look. Like, marriage. Oh and then there was the ring I found in her draw. And the medication. And her illness she failed to tell me about.

“Like this weird condition you have that Hilary seemed to know about before I did.”

“We had a lot of secrets from each other.” She shrugged simply, shooting daggers back at me.

“This isn’t about me right now, Leighton. This is about you.” I said firmly. “You’re the one in the hospital bed. You passed out at work.”

“We’d broken up by then. My health is none of your-“

“Don’t you dare,” I scoffed, shaking my head. “My family pays your medical bills, of course it’s my business.”

Her eyes narrowed. “I’ve been trying to get your mom to take my name out of it- don’t you talk to me like that!” She snapped, pointing a finger at me. I felt like Lucas, getting scolded by her. “Don’t speak to me as if I’m…as if I’m using your family for money!”

“I never said that!”

“You don’t have to say it! I can read your face- I know you, John. I can read you like the bible.” She scoffed, rolling her eyes. “I thought we could have a proper conversation.”

I sighed, running a hand through my hair in frustration. “I’m just…I was so worried Leighton. I thought you were going to die. I thought I was going to lose you.”

“You can’t lose someone you don’t have.” She muttered, looking away.

That hurt. That girl sure knew how to rip me to shreds.

“I thought I was going to lose the mother of my child. I couldn’t raise Lucas by myself. He needs you- I couldn’t imagine him growing up without you.” I said softly, hoping she’d be a little easier on me. I suffered too; I’ve had a lot of time to reevaluate my life and where I’m at. She wouldn’t believe the progress I’ve made.

She hesitated, clearly uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation. “Okay…I should have told you about the hyperthyroidism. But I didn’t want pity from you. Hilary seemed like the only person I could tell without adding damage to our relationship.”

I frowned, confused. “You thought telling me you were sick would damage our relationship? God Leighton, I’m not a monster.”

“Oh come on,” Leighton scoffed, sending me a look. “You know towards the end we were in a bad place. Telling you would have only made things worse.”

“No, it wouldn’t have,” I shot back, trying to remain calm this time. I wasn’t going to snap at her. I was going to stay mature about this. She had to see the change in me. “I think it would have made things better. I’ve realized so much these past few days when you were in the coma. I realized what I was missing out on, what I was losing. I realized…how much I love and appreciate you- how much I’ve taken for granted and willingly destroyed. And I know that I want to fix things-“

“No! John!” She snapped, catching me off guard with the tears again. “You don’t have a right to say
those things anymore! We’ve broken up, we’re over, you can’t just say that shit anymore! It’s fucking inappropriate!”

“Oh come on-“

“You can’t tell me you love me anymore! It’s not your place!” She hissed, her hands clenching into fists. She was beating me with every word and I couldn’t take it. She was hurting me more than I thought a girl like her could. “We don’t have special ‘terms and conditions’, John. We have a son, that’s the only thing tying us to each other. That’s it. So don’t start telling me you love me, or you want me back- because it’s not going to happen.”

Fuck. I didn’t know what to say to that. I didn’t speak, instead letting her calm down, recollect herself. This had to be because of the meds they had her on. The girl I loved was breaking my heart right in front of me- she never used to be like this. Had I made her like this? Was this really all my fault?

“So the uh…the hyper…” I started awkwardly, not knowing how to continue without feeling so tragically embarrassed.

“Hyperthyroidism,” she mumbled with a nod, looking down to her hands. She couldn’t even look at me anymore. “Basically it’s really hard for me to put on weight, and it fucks up my metabolism. Heart failure is common too.”

I nodded slowly, already knowing this. Having her finally tell me herself didn’t change how fucking scared I was to lose her too it. “So what, will you start getting thinner and thinner?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know yet, they’re going to put me on medication to help gain weight and I’m going to be doing a program to help deal with the anorexia. It’s physical, rather than psychological, they know I didn’t starve myself, or want to be like this so I don’t have to go to rehab for it.”

“Did you know you were anorexic?” I asked.

“Sort of- I knew I was thin and it was bad, but I didn’t think it’d be classified as an illness. I just thought I’d have to put more weight on.” Leighton admitted. “The program won’t interfere with my work though. I should be able to go back in a week or two, once I’ve recovered from the surgery.”

“That’s the last thing you should be thinking about right now,” I scoffed, not surprised by her committed attitude. She loved her career; there was no doubt she would have missed it. “Just focus on getting better.”

“You might have to look after the loft for a few weeks while I go through the program.” She brought up, looking over at me. “There’ll be nobody home so you may as well stay there, stop bothering Jared and Parker.”

“What do you mean there’ll be nobody home?” I questioned, confused. “I thought you said you didn’t have to go to rehab for it?”

“I don’t, but I’m going to stay at Hilary’s with Lucas. She’s going to help me look after him while I get better, the medication will take a lot out of me and I won’t be able to keep an eye on him all of the time.” She explained.

“Why don’t you just stay home? I can look after you, watch Lucas-“ I was cut off when her eyes glared me down. Right. We had boundaries now. Offering to look after her was now inappropriate. “I mean, Lucas can stay with me.”

“I want him with me.” She mumbled. “I need to make up for not being there.”

“Well it’s hardly your fault, you’ve been in a fucking coma.” I scoffed.

“John.” She warned.

I sighed, raising my hands in defeat. I couldn’t win with her. No doubt I deserved all of this; but it was just hard. I was so ready to fix things, move forward with us. But she didn’t want that. She didn’t want to get back together. That was the hardest thing to take; not knowing whether or not we’d ever sleep in the same bed again, wake up together, or raise Lucas together. It fucking sucked.

So, I decided against bringing up the ring. She didn’t want me to know about it, and I was going to let her have that.

We talked for a while more, mainly about living arrangements and Lucas. I didn’t want to overwhelm her with questions about our relationship, considering she was still feeling light-headed and dizzy from the medication, but we covered the basics about her health and what not. It was obvious she was still hurt from what happened between us, and I sensed that just being in such close proximity must have been hard for her- I never wanted to make being around me hard for her. I hated myself for it.

We ended up coming up with a suitable arrangement, for Lucas to stay with me Sunday through to Tuesday, before dropping him back to Leighton Wednesday to Saturday. She’d get him for the bulk of the week and I’d have him the other three days. I wasn’t happy with it, but I didn’t want to make things difficult for her. I wanted this to be as easy as possible- I wanted to show her I could be a good man. I had to change for her.

When I left the hospital with Lucas (she told me she didn’t need me to stay, and that Lucas should be put to bed on time) I felt empty. Sure, I had my girl back, but I didn’t have her back, and by the looks of it, I never would again.

It’d all gone so horribly downhill.

My life was a joke.