White Walls

“Mama wake up!”

I heard John groan from beside me as Lucas tumbled down on top of him, leaning over to kiss my cheek.

I let out a laugh and pulled him on top of me, to relieve the pain from John. “Hey little man, why are you up so early?” I asked, kissing his little face. John snuggled into my side, wrapping his arms around my waist and holding Lucas’ ankle, rubbing the top of his foot.

“He definitely didn’t get it from me.” John chuckled.

“Mama you’re late,” Lucas pouted.

I frowned, looking over at the alarm clock.

11:23 am.

“Shoot,” I muttered, moving Lucas onto John’s chest and climbing out of bed. “John what time are you going into the studio?”

“Like, twelve,” he yawned, sitting up and putting Lucas beside him. “Bub go get dressed, dada’s gotta put some pants on.”

I blushed, glad I’d gotten dressed last night. Let’s just say we didn’t stop after Tim’s office. It was a fresh Monday morning and Lucas was coming with me to work considering John was going into the studio and Lucas couldn’t go with him because the equipment was a safety hazard. He’d be coming in with me for half the week and then my parents would be looking after him. John’s mom dropped him around early this morning because they had an early flight out to see Ross’ wifes’ parents.

I wasn’t so worried that I wasn’t in at nine, because they all knew that I may not make it on time considering I had Lucas with me. If we were going to be out working most of the day, it was important for John and myself to make sure we were spending time with Lucas. We didn’t want to be the type of people who depended on babysitter’s and day care centres to raise our child.

“Let mama get dressed and then I’ll be in there in a sec, okay?” I told him.

He nodded and jumped off of the bed, before running to his room. I winced, hoping not to hear him trip over his own feet.

“Quick, let’s have a shower,” I said, nodding towards the bathroom.

He looked at me with a smirk as he stood, letting the sheets drop as he slowly walked over to me. “I thought twice was enough-“

“It was, you jerk,” I laughed, smacking his chest as he entered the bathroom. I closed the bathroom door (we didn’t lock doors anymore in case Lucas hurt himself) and undressed as he turned the water on. “I’ve got to get going.”

“What’s the rush? You’re already late.” John teased.

I rolled my eyes and got in after him, rushing to wash my hair and freshen up for the day. “That just means I’ll have to work late.”

“Not necessarily. You’re the boss, and you’ll have Lucas.” John stated. “You get to decide when you go in.”

“Yeah, but Dirk’s coming in this afternoon to shoot new merch.” I explained. “I have to be there in order to run that shoot.”

“God I haven’t seen him in ages.” John mused.

“Since he did those photos of you and Lucas when he was a newborn, maybe you’ve seen him once since?” I stated with a nod. “You’ve been on tour every time he’s been back.”

“Shit,” John chuckled. “That’s almost three years.”

“Well he’s been busy over in LA.” I mused as he turning around, letting me wash his hair.

“But three years? I can’t believe it. God.”

“And it was right here where he was,” I laughed, remembering the day quite well.

“This could totally turn into a porno- just swap Lucas for Lei,” John smirked immaturely as he held our small child to his chest under the water.

“John,” I scolded as I stood beside Jac in the doorway.

“This is really awkward because it’s such a small space,” Dirk chuckled as he raised his camera to his face and started snapping shots. “Never did I think I’d be taking photos of you in the shower.”
“And definitely not with a baby,” Jac threw in.

“Okay, why is she here?” John pointed rudely.

“Would you just focus?” I groaned, “Your mom wants this. And so do I.”

“You should be in here too.” John murmured, as he kissed Lucas on the head, holding it so Dirk could take a shot.

Lucas gurgled some before wrapping his tiny chubby arms around John’s neck, pushing his soft little lips onto John’s.

I pouted at Jac who just laughed at me.

“Dude pull your shorts down a little more, you can see the waistband in the shots.” Dirk said as he looked through the photos he’d gotten so far.

John sent him a look. “I was joking about the porno thing.”

Dirk sent him back the same, unamused look. “Just do it.”

“It’s kind of hard when I have a baby-“

“Leighton!” Dirk whined. We went into this knowing John wasn’t going to be at his most cooperative. He thought the photos were a cliché idea but he did it for his mom and more importantly, me. Let’s just say I was bribing him with something that didn’t come around a lot these days because of our newborn.

I rolled my eyes at John and moved around them, tugging slightly on John’s wet boxer briefs, exposing the ‘v’ of his torso. “Is that alright?” I asked Dirk.

Dirk nodded, waving me off. “That’s fine, Lei.”

“Alright I’m gonna head out, I don’t want to see anything I can see with Eric!” Jac called as she left the
room. She’d been here all day and I know John was ecstatic that she would be leaving.

“Didn’t need to hear that!” John called back to her.

“You are impossible to work with, y’know that?” Dirk retorted.

“Yeah he knows,” I mused, sending John a look.

“Alright!” He groaned, beginning to take it seriously. The photos were actually starting to have a lot of depth to them and I was falling in love with the two just at the sight of them. Just seeing John hold Lucas so carefully yet protectively, it was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. I never thought we’d get to the point of having kids, and even though Lucas was only a few months old, it was still incredibly surreal.

“Stop pouting at me,” John chuckled, shaking his head.

“I can’t help it, you guys look so gorgeous,” I cooed, draping my arm around Dirk’s shoulders as he stood up straight.

“Why don’t you get in with them?” Dirk suggested. “Leave your tank top on but get in there with them and we’ll see how a family shot goes.”

“Yeah Lei,” John smirked, “we’ll get a family portrait.”

I rolled my eyes. “I want father son pictures, that’s all.”

“Well I want mama and son pictures.” John challenged.

“You got a picture of me every month of my pregnancy!” I claimed.

“That was like five months, and you still have pregnancy boobs…c’mon,” he pouted.

“Okay I’m not shooting a porno,” Dirk said finally, raising his hands. “We’ve got plenty of pictures.”

Oh, we ended up getting the pictures.

***

“I wanna go see d-dada,” Lucas pouted as he sat on the couch against the wall across from my desk, looking up from my iPad he was using to watch a movie. He had John’s home studio headphones on and it was adorable because they were slightly too big for him and kept slipping off of his ears.

“We can’t see him bub, he’s working.” I murmured, not looking up from the computer in front of me. I was surprisingly getting through a lot of work today. Lucas was usually pretty well-behaved in the warehouse. He tended to migrate around to the others he knew, carefully watching and not trying to get in the way of their work. He was a good kid like that, highly observant around other people. When John and I would get into arguments, he wouldn’t interrupt or interfere, he knew to stay in his room and wait for one of us to come and talk to him. He didn’t understand that John suffered from PTSD and he didn’t understand the depression either, so he just interpreted it as ‘daddy gets angrier than mommy does’.

There was always the worry that John’s diseases would be passed through genetics but so far we hadn’t noticed anything even slightly alarming with Lucas and hoped it’d stay that way for the rest of his life. I didn’t want him to suffer like John had. It broke my heart once, I don’t think I’d be able to take it twice.

“B-but I m-m-miss him,” Lucas whined, pulling a face at me. “Please mama?”

I shook my head again. “We can’t baby, you know how daddy gets when we interrupt him at work.”

“He gets mean,” Lucas mumbled, tapping away on the iPad. “But m-mama I wanna go to the p-park with him.”

“Maybe tonight, Lucas,” I sighed, looking up at him. “Only if you’re good. You haven’t been very good for us lately and you know that.”

He looked away quickly, not wanting to have that conversation.

I took a deep breath and stood, leaving my desk to sit beside him on the couch. He tried to crawl away from me, but I pulled him onto my lap and help him tightly so he couldn’t escape. “Bub, listen to me.” I said firmly.

He sighed and stopped fidgeting.

“I know that you’re turning into a big boy, but you still have to listen to us. You know what’s right and wrong, Lucas. You know that drawing on the walls of daddy’s studio is a naughty thing to do, and to hit daddy, and throw your food at him? That’s not acceptable because when you do bad things like that, we will punish you.” I said slowly, making sure he understood what I was saying.

He didn’t respond, only playing around with the iPad. I looked down to see him going through my photos, which were all pretty much of him or John, or the both of them together.

“Lucas are you listening?” I sighed, ruffling his hair.

“Yes mama,” he nodded slowly.

“Thank you. And will you tell daddy you’re sorry for being naughty?” I asked.

He nodded again, leaning up to kiss me on the cheek, but only reaching my chin. “Sorry mama.”

“That’s okay bub, as long as you start behaving better, mama’s happy.” I murmured, looking down at the photo he’d stopped on. It was of him and John in John’s studio. They’d fallen asleep in John’s office chair in front of the desk where John had obviously been mixing something. I remember coming home to that maybe a week ago? It was a gorgeous sight that I couldn’t help but post on Instagram. It was just too adorable not to share with…well, the entire world.

***

“Tate can you watch him for five minutes, I need to focus,” I murmured, prying Lucas from my leg and passing him over to Tate to take away. He was getting tired and frustrated and I didn’t blame him, it had been a boring day for him. I couldn’t even take him to the park or down the street on my lunch break because I had to work straight through it. Luckily Jack and Layla were eating in the upstairs kitchen and entertained me for an hour but that was a while ago and it was nearing six thirty PM. John would be done in an hour (he’d stay later if he didn’t have a kid but he had to step up and make these changes now that he did have one) and would swing by to pick us up, but Dirk and myself were still in the middle of planning tomorrow’s shooting day. We’d be having about seventeen young models coming in for auditions in order to choose the top four fresh faces of the season. Then we’d be shooting the new line the following day, which would be on location in downtown Phoenix, meaning I’d need Tate and Lennon down with me for styling, our make up artist Janet, Tim for executive decisions etc. and Caleb to watch Lucas because he wasn’t getting dropped off at my mom and dads’ until Thursday.
So the next few days were going to be busy ones for sure.

“C’mon little guy let’s go raid the fridge.” Tate mumbled, pulling Lucas towards the stairs to the upstairs kitchen.

I sighed and turned back to the drawing board. “Sorry, where were we?”

“Caleb will be going through the applications and prepping the models for their audition shoots, we’ll get the girls to do the summer line, so skirts, dresses, etc. The boys will do the shirts, tanks and the new jean shorts.” Dirk explained. “From there, Tim will come round when we’re done and we’ll go through the decisions of who we’re going to choose. We’ll make the call backs that night and get everything prepared for game day on Wednesday.”

I took a deep breath and exhaled. “We’ve got this.”

Lennon let out a laugh. “In the bag, Lei. Auditions are the easiest part.”

“It’s shooting on location which can be a bitch,” Dirk nodded in agreement. “We’re shooting on the rooftop of an old building downtown I think.”

“Yeah Caleb you’ll have Lucas on a leash, you understand?” I scoffed, my mind instantly going to the dangers of the location.

“Yeah we’ll be fine,” Caleb chuckled, rolling his eyes at my ‘mom mode’. Whenever Lucas came into work with me I transformed into the most protective mom ever and they all made fun of me for it, which I guess I couldn’t blame them for. “As long as we stick to the schedule, we’ll breeze through.”

“Hopefully not literally,” Dirk mused, “there might be wind which we might have to cater for with the girls’ summer line.”

“I’ll tell them to wear attractive underwear in that case,” I joked.

“You might have to jump on set with them, Leighton’s mom shots revisited, huh?” Dirk smirked, nudging me.

I shot him a look before returning to the board, my cheeks heating up under his eyes. I really didn’t need to be reminded of the risqué photos John had persuaded me into doing after the father son photos I persuaded him into doing. Let’s just say with the way they turned out, you would not think I was a mom, nor would my mother want to see them. They were for John’s eyes only- and I mean Dirk’s seen them, and Jac, but that’s it. Don’t get me wrong they weren’t pornographic or nude photos, but they were close to it, but in a tasteful way, none of this ‘white trash’ as my lovely southern mother would put it.

“Daddy!”

I looked up to see Lucas run down the stairs and into John’s arms as he walked through the front doors. I sent him a smile as he picked Lucas up and turned back to the guys. “I guess we’ve got it all set then. We need to be here early though tomorrow if we want to finish before five. I’m thinking get here for seven to start the auditions at seven thirty?”

They all nodded in agreement, nobody really throwing any massive complaints about the early start. When you were as passionate as we were about what you do for a living, the early mornings don’t really mean much.

“Awesome, I’m gonna head off, but I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” Dirk nodded, as he began to pack his things.

“Will do, the rest of you can go now if you like,” I nodded, to which nobody really refused. I headed into my office to grab mine and Lucas’ things before coming back out to find John talking to Dirk, Lucas now in Tate’s arms.

“And I want t-to sleepover your house and watch Uncle Garrett’s movies,” Lucas told her passionately, his eyes wide to make sure she was listening. I walked up to them and rubbed his back.

“Lukey you can’t just invite yourself to sleepover other people’s houses, you have to ask first.” I said softly, noticing his tired eyes.

Lucas looked back at Tate. “Can I please sleep over your house?” he asked politely.

“Of course you can buddy,” Tate chuckled, “I can’t guarantee Uncle Garrett will be there, but you can
stay over whenever your mom lets you.”

“Why won’t Uncle Garrett be there? H-he liv-ves in your house.” Lucas stated, now confused. I knew the feeling, I didn’t get their relationship either.

I took Lucas from Tate’s arms with a chuckle. “Let’s get you home huh baby?” I cooed, kissing his
forehead. “Sorry,” I murmured to Tate.

“Don’t worry about it,” she chuckled, waving it off. “I’m just as confused.”

I sent her a look. “Well you wouldn’t be if-“

“Alright I’ll see you tomorrow babe, take care.” She cut in, giving us a hug before going to collect her things, waving over her shoulder.

I looked at Lucas and playfully rolled my eyes before walking over to John and Dirk. “Babe you ready to get going?” I asked.

John looked over at me and nodded. “Just catching up with our personal pornographer of course.”

I ignored Caleb’s confused yet interested glance from afar and sent John a glare. “Would you two drop it? Lucas doesn’t need to learn those kind of words.”

Speaking of Lucas, John took him from my arms, relieving me of the weight of our fast-growing two year old.

“Just saying, that could be a new direction for 8123.” Dirk joked.

“Okay, I’ll be sure to bring it up with Tim,” I scoffed, pulling on John’s arm. “We need to get him home, I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

“Will do, take care guys,” Dirk chuckled as we headed for the door, walking to our cars at either ends of the parking lot.

Lucas called his goodbye before resting his head on John’s shoulder. “D-dada, I missed you.” He pouted.

John raised an eyebrow. “Did you? Or did you miss being naughty for me?”

“I’m sorry,” Lucas pouted sadly as I opened the back door to John’s truck for him to place Lucas in his car seat. “I’ll be good for you and-d mama.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” John smiled, “if you’re good you’ll get rewards.”

I rolled my eyes as I walked around to the passenger seat. No matter how tough John wanted to be on Lucas, he was always spoiling him. I mean, it wasn’t necessarily bad because it created the balance between our parenting styles (I assume John got it from his mom), which is what we needed in our marriage-relationship. Our relationship. That’s what I meant.

“Lei? Baby are you listening?”

I looked up to see John leaning over form the driver’s seat. I blushed and got into the truck, closing my door and putting on my seatbelt. “Sorry, daydreaming.” I lied. “What’s up?”

“The little nugget wants to go to the park but I said we’d go on the weekend. I’m knackered and I know you need an early night for tomorrow.” John said responsibly. I liked when he took charge, it was more relaxing for me.

“Yeah that makes sense,” I nodded, looking into the back seat as John pulled out of the parking lot.

“That’s if you’re good, Lucas. Remember what we talked about before?”

Lucas nodded quickly. “Y-yes mama.”

“You talked to him?” John yawned, looking over at me. God he was so attractive, even hitting twenty-eight this year. I really hoped Lucas fell asleep early tonight because I wanted that alone time with John. I missed him and I missed the time we got to ourselves, which was scarce over the past three years but that was definitely expected when raising our first child.

I nodded, “It’s all good,”

John returned to the road and held my hand between us, caressing the top with his thumb. I leaned over and kissed his cheek, feeling the stubble on his chin. His facial hair was a light blonde colour, and was often annoying and whispy when I wanted to kiss him. I let him know this early on when he started to grow it, or attempt to grow it. He never really managed to do so and I told him he looked better clean shaven so he took my word for it and shaved every few days. I didn’t mind the stubble because it just meant he hadn’t had time and I understood that. Sometimes I didn’t have time to shave my legs but he didn’t care.

We got home soon enough and John carried our now sleeping son into the house and down the hall to his room. I let him take care of Lucas tonight while I heated up some leftovers Jenny had sent home with us the other day. Sometimes I was especially thankful our parents supported us through everything we’d been through. John’s parents offered to help for Lucas’ education but John insisted no such thing. We were able to afford rent every month and food in the house so we had no issue with his education, they were just cautious because it was our first child and when we found out we weren’t in that good of
a place.

I know they helped Ross out for Jonah when he started recently, but that was understandable because his wife was still in med school, while Ross studied at ASU and they were both working part time jobs. They were doing well for two students, raising a now six year old.

“Hey darlin’,” he murmured, coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist. “How was your day? I didn’t get to ask you before.”

“It’s been busy,” I sighed, “I feel bad making Caleb watch Lucas.”

“He’s your assistant isn’t he?” John mused.

“Sort of. Do you think we need a babysitter?” I asked, turning around in his arms. “To watch him during the day?”

John shook his head. “Babe, we said we weren’t going to do that.”

“I know we were being politically independent, but it’s not such a bad idea when we’re getting busier. I can’t keep bringing him in, it’s not the right environment for a little kid.” I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

“Babe you know I can’t take him in- I’ll have no time to watch him, I have to be a hundred percent committed.” John insisted. “You need to take him, or drop him off at our parents.”

“Or you could do it,” I stated, sending him a look. “It’s not totally up to me. You have more leeway with your days.”

“That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about,” John winced, biting on his lip.

I sighed, burying my face into his chest. “No…” I whined.

“Baby just hear me out,” he said quickly, lifting my face by my chin.

“No trips, John, please,” I pleaded.

“No, no trips, just…longer days.” He assured, like it was okay.

“Earlier mornings, no late nights.” I reasoned, like I was bidding with him for the better option.

“Six am starts for nine pm finishes,”

My jaw dropped. “Nine pm?! John you need to be home to put Lucas to bed!”

“Can’t you do that?” He shrugged casually, letting go of me.

I sent him a look. “He’s not going to see you in the mornings- it would be nice to see your son at least once a day for the next few weeks.”

“It uh, might be a month and a half.” He mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck.

“John,” I snapped, getting pissed off. “You can’t be serious.”

“This is my career Lei, we’ve been off for almost two years-“

“You’ve toured in the past two years,” I challenged, narrowing my eyes at him.

“I mean we haven’t recorded, we’re doing an EP than a bunch of collaborations with the label. We need this in order to tour again, Leighton- you know how this works, you’ve been through five years of it with me.” He sighed, getting quite frustrated himself.

“You can’t work those hours though,” I stressed, “It’s not good for your health and it’s not good for your son. They’re the two most important things in your life and you need to look after both of them.”

“I know.” He sighed and pulled me into his arms, kissing the top of my head. “I’m sorry, I just miss it. You’re right though, but you’re also wrong.”

I pulled back and frowned at him. “About what?”

“The two most important things in my life are my family and my health. My family includes both you and that little shit.” John murmured. “Neither Lucas nor myself would be here without you.”

I pouted at him, feeling my eyes get misty. “Don’t-“

“No. You’re constantly keeping my head above water baby- you’re right, I need to be home earlier than that. I’ll work something out with the guys and I’ll definitely be home earlier, so I can sit down with you guys for dinner and actually see you both.” He said firmly.

“I understand how your world works, I do.” I added, “but Lucas doesn’t, y’know? He’s too young to understand that.”

“I know, and I’m going to fix all that. I promise.”

I was glad that John was seeing the sense in all of this. It didn’t take a lot of arguing for me to change his mind, but it also didn’t take a lot for my emotions to bend with his. He was good at manipulating my emotions like I was with his. It wasn’t healthy, but it was getting us by for now. There were more important issues we needed to deal with.

We had our dinner, talking about how our day had been and just enjoying each other’s company. I know he was exhausted from today and so was I, so we headed up to bed where we laid and spoke softly. I played with his hands as I laid on his chest, breathing him in. I missed this. We were often too frustrated or tired to just appreciate each other. Having a misbehaving child for the first time ever was a lot to take on, with the lack of experience we had between us. We really needed his.

I really needed him.