White Walls

The feeling of his rough, callused hands on my stomach sent shivers down my spine as we laid in bed that sunny Thursday morning. I opened one eye and looked down at him, biting my lip to stop the smile spreading.

“Hey baby,” he murmured, his lips against my stomach. “I hope you’re okay in there, it’s your daddy here.”

I closed my eyes and pretended I was asleep. It wasn’t often that he was so peaceful and intimate with the baby. He probably felt stupid talking to my stomach but unfortunately for him there was no way to do it without me listening.

“Your mama’s takin’ really good care of you, so you better treat her well when you get out of there, ya hear?” He chuckled, caressing softly with his hand. “I’m gonna teach you so many things, darlin’. I’ll teach you baseball if you’re a boy-or you know what, I’ll teach you baseball if you’re a girl too. I think your mom wants you to be a little dude, I want you to be a little girl, but if you’re a dude that’s okay too.”

I heard him hesitate and peeked through my eyelids to see him looking down in shame.

“I uh, I’m kind of a douchebag, especially to your mom. I went to a place to make me better and I think it’s worked, but I have a lot to make up to your mom. I hope you cover part of that. I already love you so much it hurts, little one, just like I love your mama. I know she’s listening, because I know her too well, but that’s it. Anyway, I love you.” He looked up and sent me a look. “Eavesdropping is rude, y’know.”

I pulled him towards me, cupping his face. “I love you too.” I murmured.

He leant up and kissed me lazily, sighing into my mouth as his arms draped around my torso.
I missed this. I never wanted him to go back to rehab.

Ever.

“A-and…a-and mama! M-mama are you listening?!” Lucas squealed, ignoring the pauses of habit between his words.

I looked up from my phone as the three of us laid in bed that sunny Thursday morning. It was funny, really. I never pictured me and John with a little kid, I always figured that we were our own family, and we’d be okay with just each other. But now, I couldn’t imagine living with out my sweet little boy. I loved our little family and I loved being a mom to him. I know that when I found out I was pregnant, neither John or myself were ready, or a hundred percent sure we even wanted to keep the baby. But seeing John hold Lucas for the first time? That changed my life, his too. I knew that this was right for us and it was meant to be like this. Lucas was the centre of our worlds and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Slow down bubba and say it again,” I said softly, putting my phone down to give him my full attention.

He took a deep breath and began talking about something to do with caterpillars that he’d learnt from watching the Discovery Channel with John. It was hilarious hearing all these factual comments through the words of a two-year old boy that probably didn’t even understand what he was saying.

John sent me a look from behind his miniature self, before wrapping his muscular arms around Lucas. “I think that’s enough about caterpillars, Lukey. Mama only likes the butterflies.”

“I have f-fact-cts about budderflies!” Lucas insisted, and I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“I bet you do sweetheart.” I cooed, leaning down to kiss his nose as I sat cross-legged in front of the two of them. Lucas was sitting facing me, whilst John laid on his side behind Lucas. I loved how he always wanted to hold him or wrap his arms around him. It reminded me of his intimate habits a few years ago. “Your mom gave us the date for Shane’s twenty-first,” I said to John, ruffling Lucas’ hair.

John nodded. “It’s after our birthday, isn’t it?”

I nodded in confirmation, looking down at my not-so-little boy. “You’re turning three soon, Lukey, are you excited?”

Lucas beamed. “Mama! I h-have d-da-daddy’s birfday!”

“You do! You’re our little miracle, you are.” I pouted, kissing his cheek. He really was our miracle baby. Because I was so underweight and not in a good mental place towards the beginning of my pregnancy, there was a high risk with carrying Lucas full term, but I insisted we do it anyway in order to give him a fair chance- no matter how dangerous it was for me. They said that Lucas could have been born with physical disabilities or even brain damage, but luckily God decided to play nicely for once. I think we’d done enough suffering for once lifetime as it was.

“We’ll probably have a party,” I said, looking back up to John. “Just get everyone around here.”

John nodded. “Let’s make it more about the fact that our son is turning three rather than me turning twenty-eight, Jesus.” He scoffed, shaking his head. “Almost thirty- that’s two years away and then we’re officially in different decades of our lives, babe.”

“I’m gonna miss the young John.” I teased, poking my tongue at him.

“Dada is old,” Lucas giggled, covering his face.

I laughed. “You tell him, bub.”

John pouted at us. “You two are so mean.” He went all dramatic and rolled onto his front, burying his face in his pillow, pretending to sob, in order to wind Lucas up.

It worked like a charm, as Lucas looked at me with panic.

“Mama!” He whined, “Dada’s cr-crying!” He whispered.

“Oh no!” I gasped, covering my mouth.

“B-but mama…” Lucas whimpered, climbing onto John’s bare back and laying on him, his little belly pressing into John’s spine. He tried to wrap his arms around John but they were too small so he held onto his sides and I could see John was trying to hold in his laughter. “Daddy I’m s-sorry, I love you lots.” He insisted, getting worked up about it.

I felt bad for making him so worried but I couldn’t help but pull my phone out and snap a picture of the two- they were just so adorable!

“How much do you love me?” John muffled back.

“Super lots!” Lucas whined.

“I guess that’ll do then!” John declared, before rolling onto his back, causing Lucas to roll into me before he was lifted onto John’s stomach and tickled as payback. “Because daddy loves you super lots too!”

I filmed their little tickle fight, never growing tired of Lucas’ laugh and the look in John’s eyes when he looked at his son. I don’t know how anyone could ever grow bored of a sight like that. It was all still
incredibly surreal.

“Hey! John be careful!” I complained, as Lucas got rougher with him. Typical boys being boys, I know, but I had mom genes now, so I worried a hell of a lot more.

“He’s a man he can take it!” John laughed, wrapped his arms tightly around Lucas, the tickling coming to a stop. I put my phone down and sighed happily, falling down beside them. “What are we doing today mama?” John asked me, as he restrained a wriggling body in his arms.

“I don’t know; what do you two want to do today?” I asked. “I’m up for whatever.”

“Well, I gotta go get Shane an old school Third Eye Blind record for his birthday.” John said. “Among other things- you have to help me find something for him.”

“Yeah of course.” I nodded, running my hand through his hair, caressing the lines forming in the corner of his eyes. “We need to get you some wrinkle cream, baby.”

“Can I h-have cream on my wa-waffles?” Lucas asked hopefully.

“Who said you were having waffles?” John chuckled, swatting my hand away. “And I do not need wrinkle cream.”

“How about we go to Waffle House?” I suggested, more so to Lucas than John.

His face lit up and I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Y-yes pl-please mama!”

“Well with those manners, you better go get dressed so we can go!” I exclaimed.

He wriggled his way out of John’s arms and climbed out of the bed, dashing for his room.

“No running Luke!” John called, looking over his shoulder in case Lucas fell once again. Once he was out of sight, John turned to me with a pout. “I wanted to lay in bed all day with my babies.” He whined, pulling me into his chest.

“We can watch a movie tonight in here,” I shrugged, sending him a look. “We can’t spend every Thursday in bed- we already do enough of that every Sunday. We can’t make it a habit, John.”

“Why? Because you think I’m going to succumb to that state of mind again?” He tested.

“No, I don’t,” I said firmly. “We just need to get out of the house and be proactive. We have a two year old who’s constantly on the move and we have to keep up with that. Our wants don’t come first.”

“Oh and his do?” John challenged. He wasn’t meaning to be rude, but he was certainly starting to annoy me. I don’t know why he couldn’t just drop it.

“Are you trying to start a fight?” I asked bluntly, feeling my mood coming down.

“No,” he sighed, rubbing my back. “Sorry.”

“How are you?” I asked softly, rubbing his temple with my thumb. “You doing okay?”

“I’m doing fine, love.” He murmured, looking me straight into the eyes. “It’s just stress building up.”

“You’ll tell me when it gets too much, won’t you?” I mumbled.

“Of course,” he nodded, kissing me passionately. “But I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me, worry about that little boy down the hall who probably can’t reach the t-shirt he wants-“

“M-mama!”

I threw my head back with a laugh before getting out of bed. “Coming baby! You know him so well.” I chuckled to John, stopping at the vanity mirror to tie my hair up.

“God can you bend over a little?” He asked from our bed.

I spun around to see John holding his phone up at me. I rolled my eyes and headed out of our room, making sure to lift the hem of my tank top, aware of the tiny boy shorts I had worn to bed. I laughed when he groaned. He really hadn’t changed all that much from being a horny guy in his early twenties.

I got to Lucas’ bedroom door to find him standing on top of one of his open draws in order to reach a t-shirt to high for his little hands to grasp. “Lucas!” I scolded, rushing over and lifting him off of the draw.

“What did I say about climbing on the furniture?!”

“But it’s like a st-step-p mama,” he said, as if that made it any better.

“That doesn’t matter! You’ll fall and hurt yourself.” I said finally. “Don’t do it again, you understand?”

He nodded quickly. “Sorry m-mama.”

I kissed his forehead. “That’s okay Lukey, what t-shirt did you want?”

“Dada’s t-shirt.” He mumbled, pointing to the smaller sized black tee that had The Maine’s logo on it. I remember the first time Lucas wore it was to a home show to end one of their tours. John was so proud to see him in it, I thought he was going to cry right then and there.

I lifted him up and he grabbed it, before I placed him back on the ground. “You okay to change or do you need some help?” I asked, kneeling in front of him.

“I got it!” He insisted quickly, pulling it over his head. Looking at his tanned little belly, I just wanted to blow raspberries all over it.

“Okay, okay,” I raised my hand in defeat, not liking this newly-found sense of independency. He was growing up way to fast and I wasn’t yet ready to accept that. I let him get dressed without my help before returning to mine and John’s room to get ready for the day. When I got back, he was climbing out of bed, the sheets slipping down to expose his black boxer briefs. To be honest they’d gotten shorter over the years and I wasn’t complaining at all. He’d gotten more of a fuller figure since being on this newer medication and he was actually alright with that, which I was happy with. Anything was better than the almost-anorexic body I’d unfortunately gotten used to before Lucas was born. He was still a thin guy, just a lot less lanky after he started going to the gym with Austin the past few months. His doctor said it was important for him to regain control of his body, in order to regain control of his mental stability, which I guess made sense.

“Leighton!”

My eyes widened as I realised he was standing right in front of me. “Sorry, what?”

“You were either checking me out too hard or daydreaming, again.” He chuckled, kissing me on the neck.

“It’s those thighs,” I smirked, sliding my hands down his legs underneath the material of his shorts. I kissed the middle of his neck, right on his adam’s apple, feeling him swallow thickly. “God I could do things to those thighs.” I smirked.

“Leighton…” he groaned, backing me against the wall.

“That’s what you get for wearing these- they don’t cover anything,” I murmured, feeling his cheeks heat up against mine. Sometimes it entertained me to tease him like that- he knew I was just teasing but he could be a little sensitive when it came to his body and I liked to lighten him up a bit, even if that mean seductive comments and inappropriate touches when Lucas was in the other room.

“Says you!” He scoffed, lifting my tank top up to expose my own nearly-not-there shorts. “Look at that ass.” He stated, slapping my ass. “Huh?”

“Yeah but I’m the girl, it’s your dream for me to walk around like this- and at least I wore a long shirt to cover my ass considering we have a little boy walking around.” I stated sassily, poking him in the chest.

John let out a laugh. “Have you seen Lucas? He walks around with no shirt on as much as possible. He’s just like me and that’s something we shouldn’t change.”

“I love that he’s like you,” I chuckled lightly, rubbing his chest. I sent him a meaningful look. “I really do,
John. You should be proud of that.”

“Yeah well, let’s just see how he is when he’s a teenager, then I’ll be proud of my genetics.” John mumbled.

“Babe, we don’t know if the genetics are going to be passed down. If they are, then we just accept it and deal with it the best we can. If you get to feel bad about that, I get to feel bad about the fact that his feet are uneven. That’s my fault, but I don’t want to feel bad about that.” I said firmly, removing my hands from his pants and putting my arms around his neck.

John’s hands migrated to my hips. “Are you kidding me? You pushed that kid through an incredibly risky pregnancy- I thought I was going to lose you both. I don’t know anyone braver and there’s nobody I respect or admire more than I do you.” He murmured kissing me softly. “I know I’ve said it before, but thank you for giving me Lucas.”

“You’re going to make me cry, you know that, right?” I sighed, kissing his lips.

“Good. That was my intention.”

“Shut up and put some clothes on,” I laughed, smacking his arm before walking over to our closet. Ultimately he followed me, to which I rolled my eyes at but got changed regardless, ignoring his little comments about my body. “How are you still turned on by me?” I scoffed, looking down at the scar across my left hip.

“That scar is a reminder of your strength and love for our son. Don’t you ever think differently,” he murmured from behind, kissing the back of my neck. “I love you, Leighton Johnson.”

For some reason I wasn’t going to be convinced until I had his last name.

***

“So what do you think of that?” Jenny asked in my ear as I flipped through the pop records. Over the years I’d broadened my horizons in the music scene and started listening to some really good pop bands. I tried to get John to listen to them but he was too busy going through his intense country stage to want to hear the likes of all these ‘new boybands’ I was into. Boys and their music I guess.

“I think a casual family event is a good idea,” I nodded, “because that way he can have his party with his friends and drink all he wants without having to worry about being presentable in front of family-“

“I hope you’re kidding, Leighton.”

I blushed, pausing on the records. “I mean it’s his twenty first, y’know? You’re allowed to get a little crazy.” I shrugged. “At least you won’t be seeing what he’s doing-“

“That doesn’t make me feel a whole lot better Leighton, knowing what John and Ross were doing by then- it worries me. Do you think he’s having-“

“Woa, Jenny, I’m not the person you should be asking.” I murmured, feeling the embarrassment becoming evident in my red cheeks. I loved how close we’d gotten, and I did tell her quite a lot of personal things, but sometimes I wasn’t prepared for the blunt questions and slightly awkward air they carried. “But I mean, he’s twenty one.”

“I know sweetheart, I guess this is just me realizing how big my boys are. Shane’s moving out when he gets back and then it’s just going to be myself and Jay at home from now on.” She sighed.

“I know what you mean- my baby is turning three,” I pouted, moving about the store. “And my other one is almost thirty.”

“Oh don’t remind me,” Jenny tutted, “Anyway, Shane gets back soon so I want you three over for dinner within the next two weeks, okay?”

I agreed before we said our goodbyes and I looked around the store for John and Lucas, whom I found at the counter, paying for a few records. I met up with them at the door, taking Lucas into my arms and following John out. Usually when we were out in LA or New York the boys would get recognised and sometimes even followed by press, but because we were in our home state, not a lot of that happened, so we were free to walk down the street without having to worry about all that.

“You find what you need?” I asked as we each held one of Lucas’ hands between us.

“Yeah, got a few oldies for Shane,” John nodded, pretty satisfied with his finds. “Who were you talking to on the phone?”

“Your mom,” I said, my amusement showing.

“Oh really, what’d she say?” John asked curiously.

“If I thought Shane was having, y’know,” I mused.

John let out a laugh. “Of course he is, my god he has been for years.”

“Oh did big brother John buy his first box for him, huh?” I teased.

John sent me a look. “Of course I did, for Ross too. The amount of times I went into that drugstore, they would have thought I was an addict.”

“Aw, that’s the suffering you go through as the older brother, I guess.” I chuckled. “Anyway, they’re having a family thing for him.”

John nodded, “Sounds good. You two hungry for lunch?” He asked.

I looked down at Lucas who was nodding vigorously. He looked tired and I couldn’t blame him, we’d been walking about for three hours since breakfast, looking for presents for Shane and what not so I wasn’t surprised he was hungry. “I think so, daddio.”

“You wanna go to our usual?” John suggested, nodding towards the café we’d frequented over the years- the same café he and I went to for lunch dates before we were even officially together.

We headed in and I lifted Lucas into my arms so he could choose what he wanted, even though I know
he’d choose the same-

“Gr-grilled ch-cheese,” he whispered into my ear.

I smiled as his little arms wrapped themselves around my neck and he leant his head against my chest. Rubbing his back soothingly, I asked him if he was tired.

“N-no, just hung-gry,” he insisted.

“You two wanna go get a table?” John suggested, ruffling Lucas’ hair. He got a playful slap on the arm for that, because Lucas liked to have his hair pushed back like John’s, so he could get a little temperamental about it, which I just thought was cute.

“Where do you wanna sit, baby?” I murmured, walking around tables towards the booths. Lucas always chose the same table so I don’t know why I was even asking. He also like to sit next to his father so I let him climb in across from me whilst I took my own seat.

Looking down at him, I took in his features, all just miniature John-features. He’d taken his beautiful eyes, which I was more than pleased about, and also his lips. He had my nose, which John insisted was a good thing compared to his, and he also had John’s platinum blonde baby hair, which would eventually fade to a more natural-looking blonde like John’s used to be before he lightened it.

My big three year old soon. I couldn’t believe it’d been three years since we had him. It was insane to think that it felt like only yesterday we were telling our parents. Thank god we weren’t going through that again.

They were hoping for a proposal. God I knew Jenny was betting that we were coming to tell them we were engaged. I almost wish we were too, because I was scared shitless about becoming a mom and I really needed her support on this. My own mother had been hesitant about congratulating us, saying that she was happy for us, but I could see it in her eyes she was weary about John. I’d told her and dad about everything that had happened (of course), only leaving out the bit where John had PTSD and the reason for it. He said he wanted to keep it as personal as possible, only telling the absolute closest friends and not even all of his family. He’d told Ross before he was admitted to the rehab centre, deciding to tell Shane in a few years when his opinions and beliefs and that of the sort had matured.
So back to the present; here we were at a nice Sunday lunch with Jenny and Jay, about to tell them that they were going to be expecting another grandchild. I guess I found comfort in the fact that we weren’t the first to have an unconventional pregnancy.

“So what’s the big news?” Jenny asked as we were all sat around the dining table, enjoying the meal she had prepared for us. Hopefully she hadn’t noticed I’d gone back for thirds.

John held my hand on the table and Jenny’s expression fell as she spotted my bare ring finger. “Uh, we got some pretty big news a few weeks ago.” John began nervously, his index finger drawing lines on the top of my hand. Wow he was so scared.

“What kind of news?” Jay asked patiently, a lot more patiently than his wife, that’s for sure.

“I’m roughly five months pregnant.” I announced, instinctively holding my stomach. I think it was better to just come out with it.

We didn’t look excited because the fear was eating away at that. But we were, I swear.

Jay sighed deeply, putting us both on edge. Jenny just looked between us, her eyes filling with tears.

“Ma don’t cry,” John sighed, “this is a good thing.”

“Were you trying for a child or were you just unsafe?” Jay asked bluntly.

“We weren’t trying.” John answered, through gritted teeth. “But that doesn’t matter-“

“You’re not capable of looking after a child John, and you know it,” Jay sighed, “you’ve only just gotten out of rehab.”

Jenny placed a hand on her husband’s shoulder. “Now Jay, be happy for them, this is good news. Although I would have preferred you to be married and more stable, I’m happy for you two.” She insisted, wiping her eyes. “Congratulations darlings.”

“Thank you,” I said gratefully. “We understand that it’s going to be tough but we’re going to work extra hard to raise this child.”

“The doctors said it would be dangerous for Leighton to carry him full-term, but she’s incredibly brave because she’s doing it anyway,” John stated, glaring at his father. “She’s risking her life for this baby.”

“Oh my gosh, Leighton are you sure that’s a good idea?” Jenny gasped, covering her mouth. “Wait, did you say you were having a little boy?”

“He deserves a fighting chance,” I nodded firmly, “and yeah, we are.” I couldn’t help but smile. I’d always wanted a boy.

“Oh my, congratulations!” Jenny beamed, getting out of her chair to hug the both of us. “I’m so happy for you two!”

“If this is as dangerous as you say it is,” Jay began, more so to John. “You better step up, John. I mean it- it’s not easy. Of course we’ll help you out anywhere we can, but you’ve seen Ross and Julie fall on hard times- learn from their mistakes.”

“I will dad, you don’t have to worry about that.” John said passionately. “I’m scared shitless but I still want to do this. I get that I’m still recovering, and I always will be, but me and Lei are going to work as a team and we’re going to devote everything we have to the baby.”

A small smile grew on Jay’s lips. “I knew I raised you right."

I broke out into a grin as Jenny began talking my ear off about the nursery and baby names and the ‘John’ tradition and I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with happiness as I watched our family come together and expand at the same time. Things were starting to feel right again and I could only hope they stayed this way for a long time to come.

But hey, everything goes in cycles.