Why to Be Afraid of Tomorrow
Part 3
In the past days I tried to talk to David more and more. But for me, the stupid tongue-tied me, it’s so difficult.
It’s Thursday after midnight. Daddy’s still not at home and I’m lying in my bed. My eyes are burning already but I can’t fall asleep. Why? My mind is running empty. I cried a lot previous two hours. You know, I always have mood fluctuation – one day I’m smiling all the time but one day everything I want is to die. Now I have the second variant.
Noise, fuss, rumpus and sound of breaking glasses. I covered with a blanket. Luckily, an hour ago I turned off all the lights so I thought it will be okay but I was wrong. “COME HERE! RIGHT NOW, SISSY!” No, I didn’t want to. I didn’t respond his words of command and covered myself more. I huddled. I will never lock the door again – because if I did, today it would protect me but tomorrow it would be much worse. “BUGGER! COME ON, FUCK!” He smashed a few other stuffs before he came into my room. I looked at him so my top of head was out of my blanket. “WHY ARE YOU HIDING THERE FROM ME?!” He came closer and pulled the blanket away from me. In that instant I sat up and leaned on the wall. I took a pillow and gave it between my legs and face. “SO TALK TO ME, QUEER!” He screamed and he tore the pillow out of me. “What are you doing?” I huddled again. He started hitting me insignificantly. I was covering my face with my hands but unsuccessfully. Bash here bash there. I was crying. He breathed out thickly. “WHY ARE YOU CRYING, UMM? YOU’RE SUCH A WEAKLING!” And I got another slap. My cheeks were tearstained. “Leave me alone.” I protested but to no purpose. He grabbed my arm and pulled me up. We were really close. My face was only a few inches from him. „YOU’RE STILL PROTESTING, YOU ASSHOLE?!” “Let me go!” I said in tears. He got mad and hit me hardly. “Don’t hit me!” Fortunately, it was the last hit of the night. “GO TO SLEEP, FAGGOT!” I nodded quickly and shortly before he finally got away from my room. I buried my face into my pillow and began crying again, but this time a lot more. I sobbed. Then I looked up at my bedside table with a photo of my mum. “I need you here, mommy.” I sobbed again … It took a long time before I fell asleep. And when I woke up I didn’t want to come to school because my face looked gruesome. But what could I do? I’d have another unexcused lesson, and I didn’t want to.
********
I’m going to my classroom hooded and sitting at my desk without a word. “Hey, Pierre,” Danny greeted, raking in his bag. “Hello,” I answered and covered my face even more. “Do you have homework?” He asked. Probably he wanted me to turn my face at him but I didn’t want him to see my bruises and my black eye. “Nope.” I answered simply. “Turn to me, huh?” “No.” I responded quickly. “Do it,” he was talking while turning my head by himself. “Oh, are you kidding me? No, you did not do it by yourself. Dad? Drunken? He hit you? Talk!” “Yes, just who else. He came at 1 a.m. and started hitting me.” I was angry and didn’t want him to talk about it again. “Just, this happened…” I looked down at the ground. “You know buddy, I think you should tell it to someone.” He was serious. “Are you okay? No, it isn’t an option. Mainly David can’t know about it.” I decided. “You’d better talk to him, like really.” He made an offer. “No, I'd rather not.” “I think you will have to because he’s coming right now and I’m … leaving.” I thought Oh, shit. I can’t tell him the truth and moreover I know him only for a few weeks. “Hi, Danny,” David greeted him. “Hello,” Daniel answered and looked at him sort of strangely.
“Hi, Pierre.” David said and sat next to me. “Hi,” I answered quietly and covered my face again. “Pierre, you don’t have to hide your face I already saw that.” I swallowed thickly and sighed before he continued. “We can talk about it, if you want. I know you don’t have so much confidence in me but if you want to converse about it, I’m here for you, Pierre.” I sighed again and looked into his eyes. Something told me that I should confide to him. I pulled the hood off. “Davie, it has been going on for so long … my father is a hard drunkard since the day my mom passed away…“ My eyes filled with tears. As David heard that he was surprised unpleasantly. Then I continued. “He took badly my mother's death and everytime he comes home he’s drunk. So he smashed everything and now… when I said him I’m … I’m gay, he got mad. And he hits me all the time. I can’t remember the last time we talked to each other.” I burst into tears. “So I’m afraid of coming home now and I just don’t wanna him to hit me again, Davie!” “Come on, Pierre.” He said and pulled me into a tight hug. “Don’t cry.” He was calming me and stroking my hair. “I feel sorry for you. It’s horrid.” I sobbed on his shoulder. I don’t know what came over me, but I told him everything.
During geography lesson David threw on my desk a crumpled note. It read: ‘Pierre, I’m not a therapist but I promise you this: I will listen. I will care. Please stay strong and be yourself. Don’t give up.’ I smiled when I read it. In that moment I realized I have not only one best friend. I have got even Davie who is still here to help me. I like him, really. He’s so nice and good-natured.
It’s Thursday after midnight. Daddy’s still not at home and I’m lying in my bed. My eyes are burning already but I can’t fall asleep. Why? My mind is running empty. I cried a lot previous two hours. You know, I always have mood fluctuation – one day I’m smiling all the time but one day everything I want is to die. Now I have the second variant.
Noise, fuss, rumpus and sound of breaking glasses. I covered with a blanket. Luckily, an hour ago I turned off all the lights so I thought it will be okay but I was wrong. “COME HERE! RIGHT NOW, SISSY!” No, I didn’t want to. I didn’t respond his words of command and covered myself more. I huddled. I will never lock the door again – because if I did, today it would protect me but tomorrow it would be much worse. “BUGGER! COME ON, FUCK!” He smashed a few other stuffs before he came into my room. I looked at him so my top of head was out of my blanket. “WHY ARE YOU HIDING THERE FROM ME?!” He came closer and pulled the blanket away from me. In that instant I sat up and leaned on the wall. I took a pillow and gave it between my legs and face. “SO TALK TO ME, QUEER!” He screamed and he tore the pillow out of me. “What are you doing?” I huddled again. He started hitting me insignificantly. I was covering my face with my hands but unsuccessfully. Bash here bash there. I was crying. He breathed out thickly. “WHY ARE YOU CRYING, UMM? YOU’RE SUCH A WEAKLING!” And I got another slap. My cheeks were tearstained. “Leave me alone.” I protested but to no purpose. He grabbed my arm and pulled me up. We were really close. My face was only a few inches from him. „YOU’RE STILL PROTESTING, YOU ASSHOLE?!” “Let me go!” I said in tears. He got mad and hit me hardly. “Don’t hit me!” Fortunately, it was the last hit of the night. “GO TO SLEEP, FAGGOT!” I nodded quickly and shortly before he finally got away from my room. I buried my face into my pillow and began crying again, but this time a lot more. I sobbed. Then I looked up at my bedside table with a photo of my mum. “I need you here, mommy.” I sobbed again … It took a long time before I fell asleep. And when I woke up I didn’t want to come to school because my face looked gruesome. But what could I do? I’d have another unexcused lesson, and I didn’t want to.
********
I’m going to my classroom hooded and sitting at my desk without a word. “Hey, Pierre,” Danny greeted, raking in his bag. “Hello,” I answered and covered my face even more. “Do you have homework?” He asked. Probably he wanted me to turn my face at him but I didn’t want him to see my bruises and my black eye. “Nope.” I answered simply. “Turn to me, huh?” “No.” I responded quickly. “Do it,” he was talking while turning my head by himself. “Oh, are you kidding me? No, you did not do it by yourself. Dad? Drunken? He hit you? Talk!” “Yes, just who else. He came at 1 a.m. and started hitting me.” I was angry and didn’t want him to talk about it again. “Just, this happened…” I looked down at the ground. “You know buddy, I think you should tell it to someone.” He was serious. “Are you okay? No, it isn’t an option. Mainly David can’t know about it.” I decided. “You’d better talk to him, like really.” He made an offer. “No, I'd rather not.” “I think you will have to because he’s coming right now and I’m … leaving.” I thought Oh, shit. I can’t tell him the truth and moreover I know him only for a few weeks. “Hi, Danny,” David greeted him. “Hello,” Daniel answered and looked at him sort of strangely.
“Hi, Pierre.” David said and sat next to me. “Hi,” I answered quietly and covered my face again. “Pierre, you don’t have to hide your face I already saw that.” I swallowed thickly and sighed before he continued. “We can talk about it, if you want. I know you don’t have so much confidence in me but if you want to converse about it, I’m here for you, Pierre.” I sighed again and looked into his eyes. Something told me that I should confide to him. I pulled the hood off. “Davie, it has been going on for so long … my father is a hard drunkard since the day my mom passed away…“ My eyes filled with tears. As David heard that he was surprised unpleasantly. Then I continued. “He took badly my mother's death and everytime he comes home he’s drunk. So he smashed everything and now… when I said him I’m … I’m gay, he got mad. And he hits me all the time. I can’t remember the last time we talked to each other.” I burst into tears. “So I’m afraid of coming home now and I just don’t wanna him to hit me again, Davie!” “Come on, Pierre.” He said and pulled me into a tight hug. “Don’t cry.” He was calming me and stroking my hair. “I feel sorry for you. It’s horrid.” I sobbed on his shoulder. I don’t know what came over me, but I told him everything.
During geography lesson David threw on my desk a crumpled note. It read: ‘Pierre, I’m not a therapist but I promise you this: I will listen. I will care. Please stay strong and be yourself. Don’t give up.’ I smiled when I read it. In that moment I realized I have not only one best friend. I have got even Davie who is still here to help me. I like him, really. He’s so nice and good-natured.