Why to Be Afraid of Tomorrow
Part 8
Yesterday was a very severe day for me. But now, I’m ready to go to school despite I look really terrible. In the morning I had troubles with getting up. Every morning I've eaten at least two slices of bread but now I had no good appetite.
Already two days I didn’t see my dad. I have no idea why he wasn’t home. I think that pub is more important for him.
I’m coming to the classroom hooded and sitting next to Daniel without a single word. “Hi, Pierre.” He said and patted my shoulder. “Hello.” I said firmly. “Why weren’t you at school yesterday?” He asked and tried to look into my face but unsuccessfully. “I felt sick.” I said simply, sat down and crossed my arms on my chest, looking into space. “Buddy, why do you have a hood on?” “I can’t or what?” I said a bit aloud and turned my face to him for a while. He was frightened. “Okay, sorry.” He said rather calmly. In the meantime a class' grind was drawing some bullshit on the blackboard with a chalk. Throughout the chalk was squeaking against the blackboard. He enjoyed it evidently, but it got on my nerves. I stood it a while but then it pissed me off. I got up and went forth to where he was standing. “You moron, can you, please, stop with that, fuck?!” I took his collar and pushed him on the wall. He looked confused but I didn’t care. “Of course.” He said frightened. “Fuck you.” I let him go. “Why are you gaping, you loggerhead?!” I screamed and all of my schoolmates were looking at me including confused David. I turned at them. “What the fuck? You're looking at me as if I was a saint picture!” They’re still looking at me. I hate these strange looks. “So what?!” I screamed and all of them turned briskly. I glanced at David for a while and sat again. “Shit,” I told to myself angrily.
This school day no one spoke with me, neither Daniel, neither David. I resented to everybody’s chicken – hearted and strange looks. Whole day I sweated but it wasn’t the normal sweat that almost everybody has. It was cold sweat. It wasn’t nice.
I’m coming home, hooded again. The sound of boiling water and the smell of coffee surprised me. Dad is at home. I’m coming to the kitchen. “Good afternoon, dad.” I said a bit foolishly and stood in the doorway. He turned at me and replied: “Hello, son.” “It's great to see you after nearly three days and after a really long time I see you sober.” I said firmly and wanted to turn back and go to my room. “Could we talk normally?” His offer made me turn. “Dear daddy, no. We couldn’t. Sorry.” I refused and walked away. I didn’t want to talk to him.
It’s 7 p.m. and I’m really depressed. I’m cold and I feel pain in all my bones. It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever had. I have rapid breathing. I have to do something about it and I don't see any other starting-point then to go for another dose because, try to understand me, I can’t live without heroin. Life sucks without it. But, where can I make any money? It’s an easy question, but hard answer. Wait, the man at the station said that only possibility is to be slut. It would be hard but I think I can do nothing else.
Let’s go.
I’m standing by the highway. I’m hitch-hiking already about an hour and a half. Truly, I’m really nervous. I've never done it before, I’ve never had sex but now? I have to do it. There’s no turning back.
Oh shit, I thought when a muscular and bald man behind the driving-wheel in a BIG car stopped in front of me. I swallowed thickly as he reached out and opened the passenger’s door. “Get in, pretty boy,” I hesitated but I smiled to cover my indecision. But I did. “I assume you don’t care about a lift, do you?” He said cryptically and licked his lips. I swallowed again. “No, I don’t. Just, I need some money.” I snapped. “Oh, you’re a slut?” He asked curiously. I hesitated but then I said firmly: “Yes.” “I wanna fuck your ass.” He said harshly. I had to overwhelm myself and say: “Aww, I like it. Come into me!” Immediately he pulled me on the backseat. Believe me, I didn’t want to do it but there was no way back. I didn’t want him to find out my reluctance, so I did my best to manage it.
“You’re the best slut EVER!” He exclaimed after. I’m crying a lot because it hurt. It hurt so much. Immediately I dressed my jeans up. “How much do you want for it?” He asked while rubbing his … you know what. “I don’t know how much.” I said but deep inside I hope he will give me at least enough money for one gram of my dose of life. “Here you are.” He handed me 150 dollars and I was exceedingly satisfied. “Thank you.” I said and reached out to open the backseat door. “Wait, kiss me.” He said and pulled me back strongly. Truly, his style of kissing wasn’t nice. I think he used his tongue so much that I felt it in my throat. After a while of our kissing I got out of the car and ran at the station.
There I got some ‘white lady’ so all the troubles disappeared again.
I’m so happy. I can’t stop myself from smile. I feel so high on heroin. It’s so beautiful to feel safe and warm. I feel an innermost peace. It feels like I’m wrapped up in a warm luxurious blanket that shields me from all my worldly fears, angers, and pains. I’m floating on a cloud, unfortunately this cloud is about to pass out.
Already two days I didn’t see my dad. I have no idea why he wasn’t home. I think that pub is more important for him.
I’m coming to the classroom hooded and sitting next to Daniel without a single word. “Hi, Pierre.” He said and patted my shoulder. “Hello.” I said firmly. “Why weren’t you at school yesterday?” He asked and tried to look into my face but unsuccessfully. “I felt sick.” I said simply, sat down and crossed my arms on my chest, looking into space. “Buddy, why do you have a hood on?” “I can’t or what?” I said a bit aloud and turned my face to him for a while. He was frightened. “Okay, sorry.” He said rather calmly. In the meantime a class' grind was drawing some bullshit on the blackboard with a chalk. Throughout the chalk was squeaking against the blackboard. He enjoyed it evidently, but it got on my nerves. I stood it a while but then it pissed me off. I got up and went forth to where he was standing. “You moron, can you, please, stop with that, fuck?!” I took his collar and pushed him on the wall. He looked confused but I didn’t care. “Of course.” He said frightened. “Fuck you.” I let him go. “Why are you gaping, you loggerhead?!” I screamed and all of my schoolmates were looking at me including confused David. I turned at them. “What the fuck? You're looking at me as if I was a saint picture!” They’re still looking at me. I hate these strange looks. “So what?!” I screamed and all of them turned briskly. I glanced at David for a while and sat again. “Shit,” I told to myself angrily.
This school day no one spoke with me, neither Daniel, neither David. I resented to everybody’s chicken – hearted and strange looks. Whole day I sweated but it wasn’t the normal sweat that almost everybody has. It was cold sweat. It wasn’t nice.
I’m coming home, hooded again. The sound of boiling water and the smell of coffee surprised me. Dad is at home. I’m coming to the kitchen. “Good afternoon, dad.” I said a bit foolishly and stood in the doorway. He turned at me and replied: “Hello, son.” “It's great to see you after nearly three days and after a really long time I see you sober.” I said firmly and wanted to turn back and go to my room. “Could we talk normally?” His offer made me turn. “Dear daddy, no. We couldn’t. Sorry.” I refused and walked away. I didn’t want to talk to him.
It’s 7 p.m. and I’m really depressed. I’m cold and I feel pain in all my bones. It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever had. I have rapid breathing. I have to do something about it and I don't see any other starting-point then to go for another dose because, try to understand me, I can’t live without heroin. Life sucks without it. But, where can I make any money? It’s an easy question, but hard answer. Wait, the man at the station said that only possibility is to be slut. It would be hard but I think I can do nothing else.
Let’s go.
I’m standing by the highway. I’m hitch-hiking already about an hour and a half. Truly, I’m really nervous. I've never done it before, I’ve never had sex but now? I have to do it. There’s no turning back.
Oh shit, I thought when a muscular and bald man behind the driving-wheel in a BIG car stopped in front of me. I swallowed thickly as he reached out and opened the passenger’s door. “Get in, pretty boy,” I hesitated but I smiled to cover my indecision. But I did. “I assume you don’t care about a lift, do you?” He said cryptically and licked his lips. I swallowed again. “No, I don’t. Just, I need some money.” I snapped. “Oh, you’re a slut?” He asked curiously. I hesitated but then I said firmly: “Yes.” “I wanna fuck your ass.” He said harshly. I had to overwhelm myself and say: “Aww, I like it. Come into me!” Immediately he pulled me on the backseat. Believe me, I didn’t want to do it but there was no way back. I didn’t want him to find out my reluctance, so I did my best to manage it.
“You’re the best slut EVER!” He exclaimed after. I’m crying a lot because it hurt. It hurt so much. Immediately I dressed my jeans up. “How much do you want for it?” He asked while rubbing his … you know what. “I don’t know how much.” I said but deep inside I hope he will give me at least enough money for one gram of my dose of life. “Here you are.” He handed me 150 dollars and I was exceedingly satisfied. “Thank you.” I said and reached out to open the backseat door. “Wait, kiss me.” He said and pulled me back strongly. Truly, his style of kissing wasn’t nice. I think he used his tongue so much that I felt it in my throat. After a while of our kissing I got out of the car and ran at the station.
There I got some ‘white lady’ so all the troubles disappeared again.
I’m so happy. I can’t stop myself from smile. I feel so high on heroin. It’s so beautiful to feel safe and warm. I feel an innermost peace. It feels like I’m wrapped up in a warm luxurious blanket that shields me from all my worldly fears, angers, and pains. I’m floating on a cloud, unfortunately this cloud is about to pass out.