Apartment 4C

Jake felt numb. He didn’t know what else he was meant to feel like, now that he’d cried out all the tears he possibly could. The past few weeks had been a complete wasteland of dragging himself to work, barely putting any effort into lectures, meetings with his boss and the college board to report the incident with Simon, hiding in his office at all possible opportunity, heading home and collapsing in his room to cry himself to sleep, and then waking up and doing it all over again. It was exhausting and painful and Jake had never hated being in Chicago more.

He was almost tempted to go back to Kansas for a while. Abilene always had a way of making him forget about the outside world, and right now he needed that. The only thing that was stopping him was his students. He couldn’t cut out on them, not right now. They deserved at least a crappy lecture from him, rather than an even crappier one from a substitute who didn’t know them. Besides, he had Elliot and Gabe, which was more than Alfie had.

Fuck, there he went, thinking about Alfie again. He’d been thinking about Alfie ever since he got home from work today. Gabe was making them dinner, Elliot helping him while Jake sat alone on the sofa, stewing in his thoughts. And naturally, they’d swung back to Alfie. It was true when he thought about how Alfie didn’t have anyone like Jake had Gabe and Elliot. He wasn’t sure if Alfie had any friends in Chicago at all, to be honest, other than his work colleagues. But Alfie hadn’t hung out with them before, so he didn’t think he’d start now. So Alfie was completely alone, dealing with this break-up…and that only made Jake sadder than before. Well, as sad as he could in this state.

It didn’t take long for anger to tinge the edges of his numbness. That fucking creep, Simon, had ruined everything. Jake and Alfie were perfectly happy before he came along, and yeah, maybe Alfie’s insecurities about being less smart than Jake would’ve come up, but it wouldn’t have exploded like this. Not like this.

Not leaving the two of them broken and devastated like this.

“Hey, are you still in there?”

Jake broke out of his thoughts at the sound of Elliot’s voice, sighing when he realised that Gabe and Elliot were sitting on the sofa next to where he was curled up on the armchair. Great.

“Sorry. Just thinking,”

“About…” Gabe prompted.

Jake sent him a withering look, making his friend sigh.

“I thought you were trying to get over him,” Gabe said.

“I don’t want to get over him! I want to be with him,” Jake replied sharply.

“Even after everything he said?” Elliot frowned.

“I can’t help the way I feel. And I know he’s suffering like I am – but I don’t know what to do about it! I don’t know how to change his mind!” Jake groaned.

Wow. He really did sound pathetic. Thanks Alfie.

“You shouldn’t be the one doing anything. He should be the one crawling on his hands and knees for your forgiveness!” Gabe said firmly.

“But he won’t do that, will he? He’s convinced himself that us not being together is a good idea and he won’t even listen to me trying to prove otherwise! He won’t pick up his damn phone!”

Oops. He hadn’t told his friends that he’d tried texting and calling Alfie several times since that horrible night, but they didn’t look surprised at his confession. And Jake didn’t know if their lack of surprise made him feel better or worse.

“I wish I knew what to say, Jake. Everything’s just blown out of proportion, mainly because of Alfie’s insecurities,” Elliot sighed.

“But I don’t care that he doesn’t know much about literature! I don’t care that he barely picks up a magazine, let alone a book! I don’t care that he’s ‘not as smart’ or not as academic, because he’s seen the world! He’s had so many amazing experiences, and learnt so much, and he did that by himself, not with the help of words and knowledge and facts,” Jake ranted, “He is perfect to me, and that’s all I care about! I hate Simon for coming in and ruining what we had!”

Fuck. Fuck. He hadn’t let all his thoughts out like that yet, and now he knew why. He felt like a big gaping hole had torn through his chest, right where his heart was breaking. Fuck. How was he supposed to deal with this?

Elliot and Gabe shared a glance and nodded.

“Everything will be okay, Jake,” Elliot insisted.

“We’ll make sure of it,” Gabe added.

Fuck. Yeah, right. What could they do, other than confront Alfie themselves and yell at him? Actually, that sounds exactly like something they’d do, and it was exactly the opposite of what Jake wanted to happen. He didn’t want Alfie to hate him even more.

“Guys, please, don’t bother. I’m not worth it,” Jake whimpered.

“Yes you are,” Elliot said fiercely.

So fiercely that Jake inhaled sharply and even Gabe looked surprised.

“You listen to me, Jacob Brown. You are one of the nicest, kindest, most thoughtful, most selfless, hottest, sweetest guys that I have ever met. You put everyone else before yourself, even if it involves destroying your own feelings, and this is exactly what you’ve done with Alfie. Yes, the boy is probably beating himself up just as much as you are. Yes, he spent those days stewing in his own anger and convinced himself to do what he did. And yes, you probably shouldn’t have let Simon into your office, but you didn’t do it for the reasons he thinks and you are not allowed to take the entire blame here. If Alfie wants to win you back, if he ever gets a chance again, then he needs to beg for your forgiveness. He needs to earn you back,” Elliot said angrily.

Jake sat in stunned silence, mouth open slightly, eyes wide staring at his best friend, chest heaving as he tried to calm himself down after his rant. Jake had never heard Elliot get so passionate about something before. Gabe’s face wore a grim expression as he squeezed Elliot’s shoulder in agreement.

“Elliot is right. You are worth so much more than this misery,” Gabe said.

Was he though?

“I was falling in love with him,” Jake said quietly.

Gabe swore under his breath, Elliot smiling sadly, only making tears well up in Jake’s eyes. This wasn’t fair. None of this was fair.

“Then what I’ve said stands even more. You deserve to be happy. And we will make sure you are,” Elliot said seriously.

Jake wanted to argue with him. He wanted to scream and shout and wail until he was blue in the face. He wanted to make his friends see that nothing they could do would make him feel happy. But how could he? They only wanted what was best for him.

“Thanks guys. But I don’t think anything’s going to work right now. I just kinda want to be alone,” Jake said softly.

Alone so he didn’t have to see their pitying eyes as he cried, which he was precariously close to doing.

“But…”

“Please?” Jake said, interrupting.

His friends frowned but nodded.

“If that’s what you want. Just know that we’re here for you, okay?” Gabe said.

“For talking, crying, screaming, getting drunk…anything,” Elliot added.

Jake choked a laugh, but nodded, attempting a smile. He knew he could count on them, even if he couldn’t count on anyone else.

“Do you want me to save you any dinner?” Gabe asked.

“No, not tonight. Thanks though,” Jake said softly.

Gabe frowned slightly but nodded, allowing Jake to go back to his room in silence. Jake barely closed the door before he started crying again. This wasn’t fair. He thought he was done crying now, thought he was done feeling. What had he done to deserve this?