Forgetting You, But Not the Time

The room was silent. Most of us didn't quite know what to think. The silence seemed worse though, as we considered the very worst. There's been an accident, there's been an accident, there's been an accident...

"What do you mean there's been an accident?" Mike's voice could've quite possibly damaged my eardrums if the current situation was different. The solemn look on the man's face caused my insides to churn very unpleasantly, making me feel rather nauseous. My hand searched beside me, hoping to find someone's hand to grab or something to hold onto, even if it wasn't the hand I had been so familiar with. Panicking, my hand searched frantically until someone's rough fingers intertwined with mine. I snapped my head to the right, seeing Tre with worried eyes, yet a very small and reassuring smile on his lips as he pulled me closer to him.

The police officer sighed and just the way he was stalling made me want to attack him. "There has been a car accident near Central Avenue just three blocks away," Tre squeezed my hand and my stomach did that uncomfortable twist again. "Apparently, the driver had consumed massive amounts of alcohol and lost control of the vehicle. And according to paramedics," the man's face fell more than I thought was possible. Tears were stinging the backs of my eyes and my body shook. "The driver died almost instantly, two of the passengers aren't conscious and the passenger that occupied the very back seat is awake."

Billie wasn't in the very back seat. I watched him get in the passenger's seat. My eyes doubled in size. Billie wasn't conscious. Tre pulled an arm around my waist and brought me into his side as I let my tears fall. I heard Mike kick a chair from across the room. "We were informed by the passenger that they were coming here to play a show. Are any of you acquaintances or related to one of the passengers in the vehicle by any chance?"

"Billie Joe Armstrong." Carly spoke up, considering Mike and myself were both speechless. The officer checked a slip of paper and nodded his head.

"Yes, please come with me."

We numbly followed the police officer out of the building and into separate police cars to be driven to the scene. Tre and myself got into the car with the officer who told us the news while Mike and Carly stepped into a different one. My left hand gripped the material of Tre's shirt while the other squeezed his hand. Tears continued to flow freely down my cheeks as I sniffed every now and then; Tre stroking my hair and occasionally kissing the top of my head.

"Why aren't we going to the hospital? Wouldn't they have taken them there by now?" Tre asked the officer who had just finished informing someone over the radio that we were on our way.

"No, I'm afraid they're still at the scene of the accident. We have paramedics there, yes, but considering traffic matters and the distance, we need to fly them into Alta Bates Medical Center by helicopter."

"Are you saying there isn't much time to get there? That they have really severe injuries?" Never had I heard Tre act so mature.

"That's exactly what I'm saying."

Not five minutes later, we pulled over on the side of the road and almost immediately I was greeted by the sight of a flipped van that was nearly torn to shreds. I covered my mouth once again, half from the thought of Billie being held under the weight of the car and half from my dinner threatening to rise through my throat from my nerves. The officer quickly stepped out of the front seat and Tre assisted me out of the back. I saw Mike running past us and towards the van, searching for any traces of Billie. A few men forced him back and the officer pointed him in the direction of the paramedic vans.

I took one glance at the driver's seat window, seeing a trail of blood on the ground where the windshield use to be and across the cement, extending about a foot and violently pushed away from Tre to get sick. My breathing was ragged as I cried while emptying my stomach in the bushes. I felt someone's hand on my back while pulling my hair out of my face. I coughed one last time before standing upright, wiping my mouth off as best I could, but with the horrible taste still lingering on my tongue.

Lights were flashing in red and blue from left to right, nearly blinding me as I tried making my way towards the ambulances, Tre gripping my hand protectively in his. I spotted a familiar head of black hair and began walking towards Carly, knowing it was her. She stood before an ambulance, watching someone inside. I placed my hand on her shoulder and she jumped, turning around fast. Her eyes watered and she pulled me into a tight hug and I clung to her, both of us hoping to get comfort from one another, but to no avail.

"What the fuck is wrong with him?! You better tell me—hey, don't you walk away from me! Hey, I'm talking to you, damnit! Is he going to be okay?! Hey! What kind of a fucking paramedic are you?!"

Carly and I released each other to see Mike red in the face, having a row with one of the paramedics assisting Billie's injuries as best he could. It was a very good thing that two other paramedics were blocking the view of Billie's broken body on the gurney, or else I wouldn't have been able to handle it. As much as I wanted to be there with him, I wasn't able to because I wasn't strong enough. To see him in such a weak position; unable to move, unable to talk... unable to wake up... I couldn't bear to see it. Maybe I was selfish. Such a selfish bitch, this is your fault. I shook the thought from my mind, trying to focus on the matters at hand: waiting for the helicopter to arrive.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I cannot give you an exact answer on your friend's condition right now—" the paramedic tried reasoning, but Mike wouldn't have any of it.

"What do you mean I cannot give you an exact answer on your friend's condition?!" He mocked the paramedic, and I faintly saw the paramedic's eye twitch. "You've been trained in this shit! Tell me what I fucking want to know!"

The paramedic looked as though he were going to give Mike a bloody nose, but thought better of it and said as politely as he could, "I'm afraid I can't do that, sir. Now please back away and let us do our job."

"Do your job?! You're not doing one goddamn thing—!" Before he could say anything else, a handful of men began to drag him away from Billie's gurney, avoiding all the punches he threw until they were at a safe distance from the ambulance. Carly, Tre and I jogged over to him, trying to calm him down and pull him away when he tried going for one of the policemen when they let him go.

"Stop! Stop, stop, stop!" cried Carly, pulling Mike rashly towards her and looking him straight in the eye. "Stop harassing them and let them do their job!" When Mike was about to retort, Carly quickly added, "They may not be doing much, but at least they're doing something! For all we know, they could be saving Billie's life right now! So stop acting like such a child and stay out of their way! It's the very least you could do for your best friend!" Mike breathed heavily for a moment, as if considering Carly's statement. And in all reality, she made a very valid point. Finally, Mike's shoulders relaxed and he sighed, running a hand through his hair in sorrow and frustration.

"I can't—I can't fucking believe this..." His bottom lip quivered and I knew he was fearing the absolute worse for his friend who he had been close to for over a decade. I felt for him, I really did. If any of us were going to be absolutely devastated over this, it would be Mike who got the worst end of it.

"I know, I know. Shh, it's going to be alright... Billie's going to be fine, he'll make it through this..."

I watched as Mike actually cried into Carly's shoulder. I felt so unbelievably guilty for everything that had happened. And the way Mike was reacting, it completely tore my heart apart. Even to the point of bringing my tears all over again. I hugged Tre, him being the only person I could depend on; the only person I knew would keep me together.

"Air ambulance has arrived! Air ambulance has arrived! Bring the patients forward!" A man yelled from a couple feet down the road, signaling the helicopter that was in visible distance. I kept my arms around Tre's middle as I watched the helicopter slowly descend; his hands running through my hair for comfort while keeping his arms wrapped around my shoulders. The wind blew from the helicopter's rotor and I buried my head in Tre's chest to block my eyes from the dust it created. The rotor didn't stop, however, and instead waited while the paramedics rushed forward, circling around a gurney.

"Hey! Why the fuck isn't that Billie?!" Mike pointed angrily at the gurney that, indeed, didn't hold Billie, but one of the other unconscious passengers instead.

"We can only send one at a time, sir. And judging by this young man's vital signs, he needs to arrive at the hospital sooner than the others." One of the paramedics holding Billie's gurney explained. It made sense, so I couldn't exactly complain.

"Second air ambulance is in sight! Prepare the second patient!" While the four paramedics prepared to rush forward as the first helicopter started to ascend away from the scene, I noticed that our side of the highway was closed. Many cars were simply parked on 80, watching from their sunroofs, windows and near their cars at the terrible sight before them. The traffic on the other side was backed up as some people slowed down to see what had happened. I even noticed a News van a couple feet back, trying to get answers from officers and onlookers.

One of the ambulances loaded the boy who apparently passed away into the van, knowing that the time didn't matter for him to arrive at the hospital. The boy that was awake was currently being treated while awaiting the van to load him in. It didn't look as though he was in very bad shape, but he was most definitely scarred in areas on his face and along his arms. His clothes were destroyed, along with everything else in the van.

"Second air ambulance has landed! Second air ambulance has landed!" The paramedics ran alongside Billie's gurney and I sighed with relief that he was finally going to be sent to the hospital. The officer who took Tre and I to the scene escorted us back to the police car so we could drive to the hospital.

We gave a small farewell to Mike and Carly as they jumped into the police car that took them there.

The ride to the hospital was quiet. Only the occasional conversation through radio from the officer in the front seat, hearing news from the helicopters and the rest at the scene. Tre held onto me tight, whispering sweet words in my ear so much like Billie did. It brought tears to my eyes at the mere thought of him, but I tried to stay strong. Stay strong for him, and for Ollie. Ollie. Oh dear Lord, how would she react? I was overwhelmed with guilt all over again.

The officer pulled into the front of the hospital near the fire lane and we raced out of it and into the hospital, pushing people out of our way as we ran towards the front desk. The nurse looked up from her computer and smiled sweetly at us. We didn't return it.

"We're looking for someone. Billie Joe Armstrong. He was taken here by helicopter." It was the first time I had spoken since we received the News; my voice cracked a bit, and I knew it was half from the sobbing and half from its lack of use. The nurse checked a few slips of paper, licking her thumb as she searched through them. I tapped my foot impatiently and Tre caressed my side once he noticed this. The nurse nodded to herself a moment later and looked up at us.

"Yes, he was just sent into surgery. Please have a seat in the waiting room and once we have any news on your friend, we'll let you know." She pointed towards the room with multiple seats, most of which had been filled by others who were either sick or waiting for news on something they knew. Surgery. He has to be sent to surgery. A knot formed in my throat and I nodded absentmindedly, turning from the desk. At that moment, Mike and Carly come running into the room through the automatic doors and came bounding towards us.

"What happened?! Is he alright?! Can we see him?! What'd she say?!" Mike shouted all at once. I looked down at my feet, pulling Tre impossibly closer to me.

"We don't know, he's in surgery right now. We're supposed to wait." Tre answered, his voice a bit uneven as well. I sniffed again.

"Fuck." Mike kicked a chair closest to him again and I jumped, startled by his reaction. "Sorry." he mumbled upon noticing my jump. It's okay, Mike. He could scare me all he wanted, I didn't mind. He had every right to, in my opinion.

Reluctantly, we took our seats at the chairs nearest to the desk and prepared to wait. To wait for the news, to wait for the end of Billie's surgery, to wait for Billie's death... to wait for hope.

But before we could fully await the news, the automatic doors open again and in came a very frantic woman who's hair was a bit messier than usual with a brown-haired boy right on her tail. Ollie and John. Right when she was about to interrogate the nurse like Tre and I had done, she spotted us and broke out into a full out run. We all stood one by one to embrace her close to us, John as well.

"What happened?! I only got a call telling me my son was in the hospital. I didn't even have the time to call the others." Her words were rushed together and her eyes clearly showed she had been crying on the way there.

"He got in a car accident. All we know is that he's in surgery right now and when we got to the scene, he wasn't awake." Carly explained. Ollie sobbed and pulled each of us into a hug yet again. John hung his head and Mike brought him into another hug and the two friends comforted each other.

When Ollie reached me, I began to cry as well. I cried hard. I cried, I cried, I cried and I cried some more.

"Oh, sweetie!" she cried, pulling me as close to her warm body as she possibly could, running her long fingers through my hair in a very desperate attempt to comfort the both of us at the same time.

"It's all my fault, Ollie! If I—If I h-had of told him n-not to go with—with those guys, he w-wouldn't be here right n-now!" I could barely speak a single coherent sentence. I felt foolish.

"No, no, dear, I don't think this is your fault. Not one bit. So you shouldn't blame yourself, hun. Billie didn't know this was going to happen and neither did you, darling."

We waited for what felt like hours. And indeed it had been at least two and a half hours of sitting in very uncomfortable chairs before any news was given. Mike had even tried the desk a couple more times, only to be threatened to leave by a security guard who came into the room after hearing his outburst. Ollie tried asking sweetly once, but the nurse simply scowled and walked away, sick of hearing the name "Billie Joe Armstrong" and probably wanting to kill him herself if he wasn't already. Oh god, please stop saying that!

"Mr. Billie Joe Armstrong's family?" We heard a deep voice call from across the room. The six of us stood in unison and made our way over to the white-clothed man who appeared to be a doctor. Once we approached him fully, he offered us a smile which we all returned without emotion. "Hello, I'm Dr. Hudson." He extended his hand to each of us and we shook it with equal impatience.

"How's my son, doctor?" Ollie asked in a very small voice, nervously twisting the rings on her fingers.

Dr. Hudson looked at the clipboard he held, but I had a feeling it was just for dramatic effect. He obviously knew Billie's condition, or else he wouldn't have called for us. His eyes retreated back to us and though they held sadness, there was also a flicker of hope within his blue irises. "Your son is stable." Ollie sobbed, smiling in between her cries at the wonderful news. I released the breath I didn't even realize I had been holding and glanced over at Tre to smile slightly, which he returned with ease. Mike looked the most relieved as he smacked the wall beside him, leaning up against it and smiling a smile that could light up an entire room.

"But," Oh no. Oh no, no, no... please no... he should be fine. He's stable; that means he's fine... We stared at him expectantly, waiting for him to tell us that Billie, for some reason, only had a few months to live. "From the impact of the crash and the windshield hitting the cement with the amount of force that it did, it damaged his brain to the extent of possible amnesia." I froze. Amnesia. Mike immediately straightened. "We're not sure how severe it could be, but the possibility of forgetting a particular event, or even a particular person is very high. Now, as far as we know—and according to the CAT scan we have taken—the amnesia can and most likely will be only temporary—"

"But there's still a chance it'll be permanent?" I warily asked, the sorrow heavily dripping from my tone of voice. I was surprised I was able to say as much as I did. I felt like I was suffocating, or choking, or even dying by the information I was receiving...

Dr. Hudson glanced over at me. "Well, yes, it is possible, but very slim. The only problem is; the length of this amnesia is unknown. He may not be able to remember certain things for weeks, months or even years. However, someday in his life, he will remember. But when that day is, we don't know. At this point, we can't even give an estimate."

Ollie's once sobs of joy turned into those of pain as she nearly pulled her frizzy curls out of her head. Mike tried to comfort her, but only managed to break down in violent sobs as well. I didn't know how to react to something like that. I didn't know what to think and I didn't know what to say. So I did what I did best: nothing.

"Can—c-can we s-see him—?" Ollie inquired through her cries, trying her best to wipe her tears away with the top of her hand, which smeared her light eye make-up. Her skin was pale, but her nose red. Her cheeks were stained with streaks of dried tears and her eyes were a mix between bloodshot and a dark brown from her eyeliner and mascara. I could feel my heart falling at her mere appearance.

Dr. Hudson inhaled sharply, taking a look at his clipboard before glancing quickly at his watch. "We're on a bit of a tight schedule, but I suppose we can squeeze you in for a few minutes. Mr. Armstrong needs his rest. After the removal of the glass from his head and arms, I'm not sure the anesthesia has quite worn off yet. But please follow me."

We did as we were told and trailed close behind him and walked through the Emergency doors that lead into multiple different hallways where the patients stayed and surgery was held. We took a right turn at the end of the hallway and eventually stopped at one of the rooms. Dr. Hudson turned to us. "Remember, if he is clueless about something you said or one of you in general, don't be too surprised." And with that, he opened the door, allowing us to walk in before him.

We walk in one at a time, each stepping slower than the person before. I was scared of what I was about to see, I was scared that Billie had forgotten me, and I was scared that Billie hadn't woken up yet; the boy that I loved with all of my heart. When at last the doctor entered the room, he shut the door behind him and stood a bit out of the way so we could see Billie ourselves. His forehead was bandaged up in a white material, along with parts of his arms. A cut on his lip held three small stitches while some of the bruises along his cheekbone and neck couldn't be nursed as well. There was a cut along his left eyebrow that didn't look too deep, but still very painful and his right eye was a bit purple.

And the funny thing? He still looked just as gorgeous as he did hours before.

Still we simultaneously gasped at his appearance, knowing that it must've caused him great deals of pain. If only I could've taken the pain for him. If only it was me in that van instead of him. If only I had told him not to go with those boys. If only I hadn't been so careless.

I wanted nothing more than to touch him. To feel his skin against my skin, or his lips against mine. But I was afraid I would break him; he looked so fragile, so small and so weak. Yet so beautiful.

Ollie placed her right hand in Billie's, caressing the top of it and occasionally kissing along his fingers. Silent tears continued to fall down her cheeks, but she didn't make a sound. I watched at how Ollie was just as broken as her son was. I watched as she stared down at the beautiful boy she had created, the boy who had saved us all at one point, but we couldn't save him. The boy who appeared so strong, so invincible, but still held the scars to prove his limitations; his humanity.

For a moment, we stood in silence. Nothing was said between one another; nothing was needed to say. I continued to hold Tre's hand, while my other held Mike's. It looked as though we were praying, and deep down, all of us truly were.

The single movement from Billie caused all of us to break apart and scatter around the bed, waiting. His eyes twitched, along with his lips and for a moment he was just as still as before. But when he squeezed his mother's hand back, we lost it. He was awake. He was fucking awake.

It took him a moment, but he finally managed to open his eyes, the first face he saw being that of his own mother. She smiled brightly down at him and he actually returned it. It was a small smile, but it was also progress. I laughed, unable to hold it in any longer, and hugged Tre, nearly squeezing the oxygen right from his body.

"You're alright, sweetheart. You're alright." Ollie whispered, kissing her son on the head. He looked on tiredly, almost unsure of where he was. He glanced at each of us, his eyebrows furrowing at each person he laid eyes on. But when his beautiful green eyes rested on me, his eyebrows raised instead. And even though his voice was raspy, I heard every word... every single word...

"Who are you?"

And my world shattered.