The Webs We Weave

Babies. No, not just babies, whiner babies! That is what I was dealing with here. Two annoying whiner babies who didn't know how to communicate properly. One with his head shoved so far up his own ass he sees the world with a brown tint, and the other with his head shoved too far down the rabbit hole of drama. And really, I couldn't tell which one was which.

I guess I have to be mommy and get my children to sit down and stop fighting and learn to share the god damn crappy legos. Tell them that they know they love each other and they need to shut the fuck up long enough to work it all out. I felt like I was going to be helping my boyfriend dump me, but I really didn't care. If these two idjits didn't stop I was going to kill them.

So after school I snatched them both up by their ears and dragged them to my car, practically tossing them in the backseat and driving to Vinny's Boxing Bar. They both looked like I was going to throw them in there to be killed but I told them to calm down because the place is closed on Wednesdays. "It's empty and quite and we're going to sit our bitch asses in there and work out this shit because you two are pissing me off!"

I took them inside set up three chairs in a triangle shape and forced them both so sit their happy asses down. I took my own seat and glared at them both. "You two are the biggest fucking morons I have ever seen in my life." I said.

"Hey!" Ricky protested.

"Shut it. You can talk when I tell you to." He shut his mouth and Chris started to look a little excited. He seemed to enjoy it when I got angry and that really wouldn't help anyone's situation right now.

"Here's our problem... Ricky is five and we're adults." Ricky's eyebrows pinched together in a grumpy face but I continued. "We figured out that this little child needs to readjust his attitude, but he never seems to do it. Yet continues to bitch about "trying" yet, doesn't fucking try."

"Thank-you for summing up the past week of our lives. Now what?" Chris said looking annoyed.

"You're gonna shut the fuck up. Both of you. At all times. You're not going to talk about Ricky's maturity level. Or the break up. Or anyone of us being Captain of the Dickhole Squad. Okay?" I looked between them both until they nodded with understanding. "And now this is going to happen: we're all going to be friends. Just friends. And I am going to stop being an asshole to Ricky about his age. And Chris is going to stop being a fucking doormat to please Ricky. And Ricky is actually going to fucking work on his maturity level or Angelo is going to fucking lose his shit and smack the fuck out of him, okay?" I saw a look of fear pass through Ricky's eyes and anger pass through Chris's at the last part.

"You jackasses love each other, okay? You should have just seen the look you gave me for threatening to smack him." I said to Chris. "And my points still stand. Since you jackasses can't keep your own shit together, I'm going to do it for you. Now if you two don't fucking hug or kiss or halfway make up in someway I will slap you both!"

They leaned out of their chairs and gave each other a hard hug and kiss on the cheek. Then they exchanged a glance I didn't like very much and looked right at me."No! Not happening." I got up from my chair and backed up.

"GET HIM!" Chris yelled and they both launched at me.Tackling me to the ground before I could run.

"No! Get off!" I hollered as they squished me and covered my face with their wet kisses. "Ew! Gross! Nasty cooties!" The serious mood was gone and it was nice to let go and play around again. No matter how childish that sounded.

"Pft if we have cooties you already have them yourself." Ricky said.

"I am cootie free." I hollered, still trying to get away from them. But Chris pinned me down.

"You didn't think you got to sacrifice yourself did you? We are ALL going to work this out. Got it?"