In Memories We Trust
Part VIII
I felt the cold steel bite into the soft flesh of my arm, felt the blood running down and the tears spilling from my eyes, due more to the pain of my heart than to the ache of my wrists. You’d brought this upon me, so we’re even now. I took yours, so you found a way to take mine. I’ll be with you soon, when I can free my heart from this prison of a body; when the pills force life from my lungs,
I could feel the fear that was the basis of my anger eventually bubble up and consume my being until I could only see people’s lips moving but could hear nothing of their voices, not even the suggestion of a whisper. And then their faces blurred together and I couldn’t tell one from the crows. Everything I knew and loved was slipping away, spinning upwards, or maybe I was dropping down, at a dizzying rate. I finally gave up, let go of everything I was holding on to, let myself fall past the state of living and into the dark embrace of the nothingness of death.
It was comforting, the inability to think and breathe and move. Here there’s nothing to worry about, nobody to care about, no way my body and heart can be damaged more than they already have. Is this where we go when we die? Do we come here, to this chamber of endless silence and lack of feeling, this world so strange and hostile? Is there where I sent you when I so cruelly took your life? As barren as this newfound world is, I feel myself enjoying every minute of it, it’s empty, no nothing to worry me…No people I can hurt, it’s only me. And even I can’t hurt myself here.
It’s empty
Of everything but one thing;
I’m here, alone.
But I’m all I need.
Hell, I don’t even need me.
…..
I felt my arm muscles contract and my eyelids twitch. The complete darkness was fading into gray, then white, then colors started emerging; dull at first but becoming more vibrant in a matter of seconds, but still white…white all around me.
After my sight came the sounds, the insistent beeping of some damned machine in my ear. All at different times they pounded in my veins, my blood pulsing to the steady rhythm. After the sounds I felt the needles in my skin and the bandages my wrists. I blinked several times and tried to clear the gray fog from the edges of my vision, clear the hazy mask over my brain. Suddenly I felt a stomach-wrenching feeling of despair as I took in the four white walls and stainless steel; I was in this God forsaken place alone, instead of in heaven (or hell) with everyone else who has gone where I tried to go.
I guess I failed, or I wouldn’t be here right now…I guess the pills didn’t work like they should’ve…I guess I didn’t cut quite deep enough to spill enough blood to pay the dues at the gate of death…I guess I’m stuck here.
I guess I’m not quite dead, but it feels like it
I could feel the fear that was the basis of my anger eventually bubble up and consume my being until I could only see people’s lips moving but could hear nothing of their voices, not even the suggestion of a whisper. And then their faces blurred together and I couldn’t tell one from the crows. Everything I knew and loved was slipping away, spinning upwards, or maybe I was dropping down, at a dizzying rate. I finally gave up, let go of everything I was holding on to, let myself fall past the state of living and into the dark embrace of the nothingness of death.
It was comforting, the inability to think and breathe and move. Here there’s nothing to worry about, nobody to care about, no way my body and heart can be damaged more than they already have. Is this where we go when we die? Do we come here, to this chamber of endless silence and lack of feeling, this world so strange and hostile? Is there where I sent you when I so cruelly took your life? As barren as this newfound world is, I feel myself enjoying every minute of it, it’s empty, no nothing to worry me…No people I can hurt, it’s only me. And even I can’t hurt myself here.
It’s empty
Of everything but one thing;
I’m here, alone.
But I’m all I need.
Hell, I don’t even need me.
…..
I felt my arm muscles contract and my eyelids twitch. The complete darkness was fading into gray, then white, then colors started emerging; dull at first but becoming more vibrant in a matter of seconds, but still white…white all around me.
After my sight came the sounds, the insistent beeping of some damned machine in my ear. All at different times they pounded in my veins, my blood pulsing to the steady rhythm. After the sounds I felt the needles in my skin and the bandages my wrists. I blinked several times and tried to clear the gray fog from the edges of my vision, clear the hazy mask over my brain. Suddenly I felt a stomach-wrenching feeling of despair as I took in the four white walls and stainless steel; I was in this God forsaken place alone, instead of in heaven (or hell) with everyone else who has gone where I tried to go.
I guess I failed, or I wouldn’t be here right now…I guess the pills didn’t work like they should’ve…I guess I didn’t cut quite deep enough to spill enough blood to pay the dues at the gate of death…I guess I’m stuck here.
I guess I’m not quite dead, but it feels like it