Study of Life and Love

“Zayn came by again.” Cecile greeted me when I walked through our dorm room door. She was sprawled across her bed, feet kicked up on her pillows.

I ignored her and dropped my bag at the bottom of my bed.

“You know the make-up doesn’t cover it.”

I turned to glare at her. “Yes, I know, you say that every day.” I seethed through my teeth. My face still hurt when I moved it too much. My head pounded with a headache and I had had a shitty day in class. I wasn’t in the mood for her.

“It’s been two weeks, you can’t hide from everyone.” She said.

I grabbed my towel and headed to our bathroom. “Like you said, it’s been two weeks and I haven’t seen anyone yet.” I slammed the bathroom door shut behind me and tried to keep my face calm and in one position while the pain dulled down.

I moved to stand in front of the mirror, noticing where my make-up had rubbed off around my eye. There was a slight darkness around my left eye but I hoped it would have just passed for tiredness. It was second semester; all college students were tired.

I grabbed a make-up wipe from the corner of the sink and gently moved it over my face, wincing when I pushed too hard in sensitive areas. The bruises slowly blossomed across my lower left jaw, spreading towards the right side. My left eye wasn’t swollen but it was a dark blue, a stark change from the red that it had been when I first arrived back at college.

I turned away from the mirror and stood under the hot spray of the shower, sighing at the pressure it took away from my headache. I had been surviving on pain pills for too long and I felt like their effectiveness had been waning.

I crawled into bed when I was finished and buried myself under the blankest. I could feel Cecile’s disapproval burning through the blanket but I ignored her. Allowing the sleep tablets I had taken to sweep me into a numbed state.

-

I groaned as the knocking on the door finally broke through my sleep state. I ignored it in favour of staying asleep but it didn’t stop. It seemed to grow louder and I glanced over at Cecile in hope that she would be willing to answer it.

She was gone and I could hear the shower in the bathroom. Sighing, I realised that the knocking was not going to stop. I grabbed the closest jumper and wrapped it tightly around my body before stumbling blindly towards the door, slamming on the light along the way. The blinds were blocking out whatever the weather had decided on today.

I pulled the door open when the knocking began to beat a rhythm.

“What?” I growled out to a surprised Zayn, his eyes were wide and his hand poised in a fist ready to knock again.

There was a short silent gaze between the both of us as I took my fill. I hadn’t seen Zayn since last semester, almost a month ago and I hated how much I actually missed seeing him, being around him.

Zayn on the other hand looked horrified at my appearance. I remembered, belatedly, the tragic excuse for a face that I was currently working with. I heard Cecile turn off the shower and Zayn still continued to mouth wordlessly at me.

“It’s not what you think.” I said lamely, wincing at my own unconvincing tone. It was the excuse I had always used and I wondered when I stopped trying to make people believe it.

“Like hell it’s not. What the fuck happened to you?” Zayn seethed out. His hand came up to touch my cheek and I flinched in response. It was all so sore and despite the two week healing period, it still felt new.

Cecile squeaked when she came out of the bathroom and spotted Zayn in the doorway. She stared between the two of us in shock and didn’t seem to care about the fact the she was only in a towel.

I shoved Zayn back out of the doorway and stepped out of the room, shutting the door behind me. I folded my arms across my chest self-consciously and glared at the floor.

I didn’t know what time it was but I was glad it was early enough that no one seemed inclined to leave their dorm rooms at this point.

“We need to talk about this.” Zayn chose to break the silence.

“No we don’t, we don’t have to talk about anything. I am going back to bed and you are going to forget about this.”

“Fuck no, I’m not.” Zayn yelled in the quiet hallway and I worried about the people tucked away inside and how much they could hear.

“This doesn’t concern you Zayn.”

Zayn grabbed my arms; his fingers curling around my elbow and his eyes met mine with so much urgency that I didn’t pull away. “This does concern me, you concern me Indi. Someone is hurting you and they aren’t allowed to. Whatever reasons you think you deserve this, you don’t. Whatever reason you think you have to stay with them, you don’t.”

I laughed at Zayn. I laughed and laughed and pulled out of his grip. For all that he acted like he cared he wasn’t listening.

“I don’t think I deserve this Zayn. I know I don’t deserve being hit.” I growled out. “I’m not a child, I’m not weak or pathetic and I don’t need you to save me. I stay with them because of my own choice, not because of guilt or manipulation. I stay because it’s my family. And I don’t need you, standing here, treating me like some therapy case that you need to treat. You’re not a psychologist yet and I’m not your patient. So fuck off with your caring words and your blame shifting. I know what I’m fucking doing.”

My voice was too loud this time and people were beginning to open their doors. Cecile included. I took a step back, fully prepared to fall back into bed and never get out again.

Zayn wouldn’t let it go. “I’m allowed to care about you. No matter how much you push me away, that doesn’t impact how much I care about you. And I want you to be safe from whoever is hurting you and I’m here offering to help you get away from them.”

I was sick and tired of Zayn acting like he had the answers. Like he knew enough to make assumptions or choices for me.

“The people you want me to get away from are my family. And what? I’m supposed to just leave my Mum with my Dad, let all the abuse hit her. Then, my Dad just gets to be all alone and hurt, ready to drink himself to death. Is that what you want me to do? To abandon them because shit got tough.”

Zayn was wordless in reaction to my sudden confession. This was probably the most he had learnt about me in a short amount of time. I used his shock to get inside my room and behind Cecile.

Zayn still called out but Cecile blocked him before he could push his way through the door and after me. I felt so much gratitude for Cecile in that moment. I could feel the panic clawing up my throat and I knew that I was a bomb ready to explode. Anything more and I would be spent, littering the walls with all my pain and turning Cecile and Zayn into collateral damage. I would never let that happen.

“You need to leave Zayn.” She said sternly, she was dressed now, but the towel was wrapped around her dark hair. That didn’t stop the sternness of her eyes and the firmness of her stance, saving me from detonation.

“I can help her.” Zayn insisted.

“How?” Cecile laughed, but it sounded off, too high for it to be natural. “You’re just a stupid frat boy who got everything handed to him on a silver platter. Just go back to your brothers and your drinking games and fucking whoever walks through the door and stop pretending to care about anyone else but yourself.”

Cecile’s words had the desired effect. Zayn’s eyes darkened at her and he took a clear step back from the door. Enough for Cecile to slam the door in his face and turn to me. There were precious seconds where silence reigned through the room and it became clear that Zayn was not going to knock again.

“He’s not a typical frat boy.” I surprisingly defended as my knees gave out and I bounced on my bed.

“I know.” Cecile sat down next to me. “I just had to say something that would get him to leave.”

“Oh.” I murmured, staring listlessly at the ground between our beds that was littered with textbooks, screwed up balls of paper, and underwear.

“I hope you know that you really fucked that up.” Cecile sighed, resting her head against my pillows and pulling me down to lay with her.

“Yeah, I got that.” I replied, picturing the anger on Zayn’s face. The concern, the fear, the distaste.

“As long as you know.” Cecile sighed, linking our hands together and stared up at the ceiling with me, seemingly prepared to be there awhile.

-

It wasn’t until I had seen Harry that I realised how much I had been hiding away from my friends as much as I had been from Zayn. Caydance didn’t ask questions and Caydance didn’t push me, so why had I been hiding from her?

Harry wasn’t pale or scrawny or suddenly looking homeless. That wasn’t what made it obvious that something was wrong. No, Harry wasn’t smiling, that’s what was wrong. I had begun to depend on Harry’s smile filling my day. I had expected his smile in every greeting, in every conversation; in every moment spend around him.

Harry without a smile was devastating in a way I hadn’t expected.

“What happened?” I panicked, reaching out to squeeze his arm when he fell into his usual chair by mine at the radio station. Ed and Nick were on air and I was supposed to be monitoring them.

“Should I be asking you that?” Harry pulled his eyebrows together and frowned harder.

“I asked first.” I deflected.

“I’m sure Caydance told you.” Harry mumbled, running a hand through his shoulder length hair. He had let it grow out even more since I had last seen him.

“I haven’t seen Caydance since we got back.” I said guiltily. “What happened? Did you guys break up?” I was honestly at a loss as to why they wouldn’t be already enjoying happily ever after. From what I could tell Caydance was done, happy and content with Harry. She wasn’t planning on leaving. At least last time I checked she wasn’t.

“She thought I cheated on her.” Harry said. “Which I didn’t.” He quickly explained when my eyes narrowed in on him. “I swear it’s all just a misunderstanding and then she got insulted because my family didn’t know about her and now she won’t talk to me.”

I blinked at Harry, confused by all his statements. I had obviously missed a lot. “Do you want to explain it to me from the start.”

Harry heaved a large sigh, his shoulder rolling with it. His bottom lip wobbled and I panicked about what to do if he began to cry. I didn’t know how to handle this stuff.

“There’s this girl that I used to see, our families were really close and they kind of hoped we would get together in the end. You know, join our families together or whatever. But we were never serious and we went to separate Universities and I met Caydance and that’s all that mattered.” Harry said it so simply. Like it was obvious that Caydance would be all that mattered, that that is enough.

He explained the fight, how Caydance thought they were still together. When he told her that they hadn’t been that way in a while she grew angry that his family didn’t know.

“My family isn’t that simple. She doesn’t understand. Her family is so understanding and good and mine is really judgmental and pushy. I didn’t want them in the part of my life that Caydance occupied. I didn’t want them touching that. But she won’t let me explain how they always nose their way into my life and change things and I didn’t want them to change this. She didn’t let me explain.” Harry sounded close to tears again. I reached out to squeeze his arm, again.

“I haven’t seen her in days and no one will let me into Grace house and she won’t answer her phone.” Harry panicked.

“You can’t force her to listen, Harry. Everyone in Grace house knows how Caydance works and if you try to make her listen before she’s ready, she won’t do it and you will just destroy whatever you guys have left. Just give her a bit longer, give her time to sort herself through whatever she is going through and come to you. She’s too stubborn to let you in without it being her choice.”

I felt like telling Harry that he should have known this. He should have known what he was getting into, anyone could see the fiery stubbornness in Caydance and if he couldn’t deal then he should stay away.

But I wasn’t angry with Harry. I was angry with Zayn and that he knew from the first day that something was not okay in my world. He didn’t have to worry and panic now that it was presented on my face and impossible to ignore.

I left Harry, later, looking no better then when he had walked in. I didn’t feel like going back to my room where I had spent the last two weeks hiding away. Instead I headed straight to Grace house, keeping my head down and sunglasses on to cover most of my face.

No one stopped me along the way and I breathed out a sigh of relief when I knocked on the Grace front door.

Thea answered and a smile split across her porcelain features. I couldn’t help but grin back, ignoring the sting of my lip.

“Indi! It’s been forever.” She laughed, pulling me into the house and into her warm body. I allowed her to hug me before stepping back and carelessly pushing my sunglasses on top of my head. I tried to exude natural confidence when I did this, knowing that make-up never covered it all.

I watched Thea flinch, her eyes raking over my face.

“I heard what happened between Caydance and Harry.” I said before Thea could start asking questions.

“Caydance has been in her room, only leaving to go to classes. We’ve been brining food up to her. It’s not good.” Thea explained, sadness for her friend laced her voice.

“Why don’t you head up? I’m sure she will love to see you.” Thea smiled.

I headed up the stairs, avoiding eye contact with most of the girls I saw. Politely smiling before averting my face and hoping no one would call me out on it.

I made it to Caydance’s door and stepped through without knocking.

The room was dark, the curtains pulled closed and there was a lumpy mess of blankets and pillows on the bed. A mess of red hair splashed in the middle. Caydance’s gaze fell on me and she frowned.

“You look as shit as I do.” She said.

I laughed, unable to hold it in. I always forgot how much I loved Caydance when we were a part for so long.

Caydance moved over on the bed and I kicked off my shoes before crawling amongst the pillows and sliding under until my body was touching hers. The laptop in front of her had been playing an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, currently paused on a gross surgery scene. There were hands covered in blood and pushed into someone’s stomach. I turned my gaze away from the screen and towards Caydance.

“Binge watching Grey’s Anatomy huh?” I asked.

“Don’t judge. According to my sources you’ve been hiding from Zayn ever since we got back.”

I stared at Caydance in surprise.

“Just because I’ve locked myself in my room, doesn’t mean I don’t have connections on the outside.” She teased, a small smile flicking at the corner of her mouth.

“I talked to Harry.” I said softly, making those flicked up corners disappear.

“I don’t want to talk about him.” She said stubbornly.

I sighed and prepared to fight her stubbornness before she cut me off.

“I never made you talk about it. I’ve never once asked you to talk about something you didn’t want to.” Caydance pointed out and I deflated knowing that she hadn’t.

“Zayn asked. Kind of demanded actually.” I said softly. Caydance looked surprised, her eyebrows disappearing behind her red bangs that were swept across her forehead.

“Boys are stupid.” She snorted, rolling her eyes.

I smiled at her childish statement. “Why did you never ask? Why did you never push me?”

Caydance regarded me, her eyes chasing over the bruises that littered my skin, ones that she couldn’t even see. “I thought you would talk yourself, eventually. But even when you still haven’t, it’s not my place to push you. It’s my place to be your friend and be what you need. And you didn’t need someone attacking you and making you talk about something that was hurting you. That wouldn’t be fair.”

“Why did you become my friend? I’m obviously more high maintenance then I thought and I don’t exactly enjoy all the parties you insist on dragging me to. I mean I’m never going to be as outgoing as you.”

Caydance shook her head, biting her lip and reminding me of Harry today. I wondered if they had already picked up that bad habit from each other.

“I didn’t want to make you more outgoing. I like that you are quiet and softer than me. I wanted to be more like you. I wanted to be less angry, less stubborn.”

She sounded tired and I didn’t want to push her anymore, even though I was surprised by her answer. I never thought Caydance had a problem with being the loud, stubborn one.

But she was tired, and hurt and I knew how that felt. So I did what my Mum always did to me after the storm had well and truly passed out in the corner, it’s rumbles echoing around the house. She pulled me into her arms, kissed my hairline and told me all the wonderful things she thought of me.

So I did the same. I nursed the pain and tried to find a way to heal the invisible wounds. By telling Caydance every reason that I loved her for being in my life.