Change Isn't Always Bad

(Kellin POV)

TO: Matterfucker:

Hey, I was thinking about dying my hair. Maybe like, blue? At the ends? I think it'd be cool, idfk dont listen to me

TO: VicSucker<3

Hey, I was thinking about dying my hair. Maybe like, blue? At the ends? I think it'd be cool, idfk dont listen to me

I sent the same message to Vic and Matty, because they're the most important people to me right now and I need their opinions.

I can't do things alone; I depend on others too much. Like, Matty tells me everything, and I listen, because he's a good friend and I love him and he wouldn't try to purposely make me feel bad. Same with Vic.

FROM: Matterfucker:

..thatd look stupid as fuck wtf is wrong with u?? r u high rn????

Shit. Fuck. I knew it. Why would I want to dye my hair anyway? I'm stupid. It was a stupid idea. Why would I think that'd look cool?

FROM: VicSucker<3

That'd look really cool babe!! Omfg please do it that'd be really hot. Just make sure you let everyone know that we're together, because everyone'll want in your pants c;

TO: VicSucker<3

I dunno, I kinda change my mind. I'll have to think about it. And you know you're the only person trying to get in my pants c;

FROM: VicSucker<3

That can be argued. But at least I'm the only one actually getting any c;

-

I hate myself. I hate myself. IhatemyselfIhatemyselffuckingkillmeIhatemyself.

Tears blinded me, but I texted Matty anyway.

TO: VicSucker<3

Matty I'm so close to cutting help me distract me please I

It was only after it was sent that I realized I sent it to Vic, not Matty. And I swear to god my heart stopped.

I texted Matty after that, making sure it was him this time. I got two texts at the same time.

FROM: VicSucker<3

What? Kellin, Kells, babe, talk to me. Do you want me to call you? Let me call you. I'm gonna come over, right now, okay? I'll call you in a second just don't do anything stupid. Hold on, you're strong, don't do it. Just wait a minute for me, okay?

FROM: MatterFucker

Do it. You need to relapse every so often. I was waiting for this. It's okay. You've made it this long; start over agn and you'll last even longer next time.

I don't know which one to listen to, and luckily, Vic burst into my room before I could make up my mind. I wonder how fast he had to drive to get here that fast. Fuck. I probably made him break the law. See? I'm stupid. I hate myself, Jesus Christ.

Vic ran to me, hugging me so tightly I couldn't move my arms to hug him back.

"Fuck Kellin, you scared me. Oh, god, I'm sorry, it's okay, it's okay. I'm here now, it's okay."

I stopped crying. I stopped moving; stopped breathing. Have you ever done that? You hated yourself so much that you punish yourself? I do it a lot. It's probably not healthy, but I don't care. I don't deserve to be healthy. I'm always numb, anyway. Numb. I'm either numb or full of one emotion; there's no grey for me. There never has been.

It's weird, because Vic knows exactly what I want. He knows I just want to hear him talk, just hear him tell me things are going to be okay. He knows I just want to be held, and he knows I'm not gonna talk. I just want to sit here, his voice and maybe some music are the only things I want to hear. I want to rock back and forth softly; I want to feel his body heat warming all the skin he touches. I want to know that he's here, he will always be here, and I'm not alone.

Don't let the world bring you down; it's not over, we're not alone anymore.

And I'm not. I'm not alone anymore. Vic is here. Vic will always be here for me. And so will Matty. Matty'll be here, too. He promised. He's my best friend.