Fickle Reticence

So Frank’s made a habit of going to Gerard’s dorm unannounced by now. He just likes it there. It’s a mess, and there’s clothes everywhere, but he likes it. Gerard is messier than even Mikey, which is saying something pretty extraordinary.

On one such day when Frank has way too much work to be doing that he is putting off until the last moment, as usual, he’s making his way towards that part of campus with a sandwich and an orange, because the cafeteria was out of apples. Frank likes eating lunch with Gerard, because when he eats lunch with Mikey, the guy stares at him rather creepily. Also, Frank is dating Gerard, not Mikey, so it’d be weird to have lunches with him as often as he does with Gerard.

When Frank makes his way in that direction though, he notices somewhat of a commotion going on outside of Gerard’s building. A lot of people look really confused or annoyed. Frank doesn’t ask any of them what’s going on until he gets to the door when he sees even more people standing outside in the freezing cold, looking extremely baffled.

“Hey, do you know what’s going on?” Frank asks a girl who’s standing near the door in attire that is not suitable for the temperature outside.

“Someone set off the fire alarm,” the girl says.

“What?” Frank asks, “Like someone pulled the fire alarm or someone started an actual fire?”

‘I don’t know,” she says with a shrug.

“Are people allowed back in?” Frank asks. He hadn’t noticed any fire trucks, nor does he recall hearing the sound of a siren, so he’s confused as to what precisely is going on.

“Not yet,” she says, and Frank nods, looking confused.

When Frank turns to look at the swarm of people all shivering outside of the building, he doesn’t see Gerard’s face in the bunch. He doesn’t see any hint that Gerard’s there, but Frank knows Gerard’s schedule, so he knows that they don’t have class.

Frank checks his watch and frowns. The obvious place where Gerard would be, if not in their dorm, is the library. Frank frowns and so decides to make his way to that building instead. He goes a little more hurriedly to the library, because he’s gotten a little colder from standing outside.

When Frank enters the library building, he has to find somewhere to stash his food because the librarians are able to sniff out food like bloodhounds. Frank hides his bag behind a book shelf in the corner of the room and then makes his way to the table where Gerard usually sits. It’s also the table where Frank usually sits as well, and the place where they first officially met.

Frank sees Gerard’s hair the second he turns into an aisle of bookshelves. They’re bent over a book, the mess of black tresses hiding their face from view. Frank spots what appear to be male clothes, but he’s learned not to just assume things so quickly.

Frank would normally sit across from Gerard, as that’s what a normal person does, but he knows Gerard, so instead, Frank sits in the chair right beside them. He doesn’t really make any introduction other than that, Frank just sits down next to Gerard.

“Hey Gee,” Frank whispers.

“What?” Gerard asks, their head darting upwards and looking around. Gerard looks at Frank for the smallest fraction of a second, before letting their head fall back down to the book they were looking at. Frank barely even catches any glimpse of their face.

“Did you see that your building has been, like, evacuated because the fire alarm went off?” Frank asks.

“Yes,” Gerard says curtly, “I was there when it happened.”

“Okay,” Frank nods, “Well I was heading over to your room for lunch, but I figured you’d be here.”

“I need to find less predictable hiding places.”

Frank tries to find the joking tone in that statement, but it doesn’t seem to be there. Gerard’s acting very strangely right now.

“Do you have a lot of work?” Frank asks, because maybe that’s why Gee is being so brief with him.

“Yes.”

“Oh, okay,” Frank nods. “Do you want me to leave you alone?”

“Yes.”

Frank feels a little hurt by how dismissive Gerard is being. They’re not even looking at him, just down at their book. The funny thing is that Gerard doesn’t have any studying supplies. No pencil, or laptop. It doesn’t look like they’re trying to get any work done at all.

Frank decides that, for now, it’s best not to test anything, and just make an exit. Gerard doesn’t look like they’re in a great mood.

“Okay,” Frank says, looking at Gerard sadly, “should I stop by your room later then?”

“I’d rather you didn’t,” Gerard answers.

“Okay,” Frank nods, “so um... Gee, you’d tell me if something was wrong, right?”

“I suppose.”

Frank nods, knowing that that’s not really an answer. Frank isn’t apparently wanted right now and that’s a bummer, but he’s not going to just force his way into Gerard’s life right now if they don’t want him there.

Frank sighs, and scoots back in his chair, before standing up and pushing the chair back in. He looks down at Gerard for another long moment, wishing he knew what was wrong so he could try to fix it. He’d do anything to fix whatever is wrong. He’d do just about anything he could to make Gerard happier. He just wants to see Gee smile.

“Gee, I-” Frank starts before shaking his head. Gerard doesn’t move an inch, just sits there, looking down at the book.

“I hope you have a good day, “Frank says, putting a hand on Gerard’s shoulder for a second and squeezing, before he’s setting off back the way he came.

~*~*~*~

Frank knows that Gerard had said they’d prefer it if Frank didn’t stop by their room, but he just can’t help it. Frank’s been nervous almost all day. He actually had to do some of his homework to keep his mind off of it. Frank literally did homework to distract himself from the worry in the pit of his stomach. As it turns out, all Frank really needs to do to get all of his work done is have a feeling of utter terror in the pit of his stomach. Who knew?

Gerard had asked him not to come round though, and Frank decides he just can’t listen. So, he ends up paying way too much for a slice of red velvet cake, and making his way to Gerard’s room with the way too expensive dessert. He figures, if Gerard isn’t feeling great, cake will cheer them up. Everyone likes cake. Everyone likes knowing someone they love spent too much money on them to make them feel a little better. Besides, it is one beautiful piece of cake.

The commotion from Gerard’s building has settled down so Frank can just walk freely into the dorm. There’s a buzz of people talking about what happened earlier, and from the bits and pieces of gossiping that Frank picks up, there’s still no explanation as to what happened.

When Frank gets to Gerard’s hall, he sees the door on the end and walks up to it, hoping that Gerard doesn’t shoo him away, which would be warranted.

The thing is that Gerard’s door has always stood out. It’s the only one without anything on it, that’s what makes it different. There’s no drawings, or a whiteboard, not even a piece of lined paper held up by scotch tape that says the name of the inhabitant. There’s nothing.

At least, that was true of Gerard’s door up until today.

When Frank gets to the door his heart falls so far down that he’s sure it must’ve just crash-landed a million feet below the surface of earth, somewhere in the kingdom of hell. He just feels every part of his entire body slacken as the dread washes over him, because seeing Gerard’s door makes him regret having to call himself the same species as the people around him.

Someone’s done a very very horrible thing to Gerard’s door, and it makes Frank want to vomit. There are some words in the English language that should never be used by any human ever, even if it’s satirical. Words have the power to be very powerful, and very hurtful. Some words just need to be exiled, and everyone knows what most of those words are. People know not to say them, or certain people know it’s not appropriate for them to use those words. People also should know that it is never okay, absolutely never appropriate to carve one of those words into the door of someone else’s room.

Somebody apparently did not get that memo though, because Frank’s looking at the carved out word and it’s making him feel physically ill that someone could ever possibly call Gerard that, especially considering that it’s Gerard. Gerard does not deserve that type of behavior, no one does, but it hits Frank more that it’s Gerard than it would if it were someone else.

“Fuck,” Frank whispers to himself, and then goes up to the door, making a face at the word up close.

Frank knocks carefully and says, “Gerard?”

“Go away,” Gerard replies.

“Gee, I, oh god, fuck,” Frank starts, “I don’t know what to say, but I want to talk. Would you just let me in?”

“Why on earth would you want to talk to me? I’m a tr-”

“Don’t say that word, Gerard. Besides, it’s not me who you’re angry at.”

“I’m not in a good mood, okay?”

“Yeah, well I see that,” Frank replies, “but I just wanna, like, talk. Gerard, I don’t care if all you do is complain to me for a few hours, just don’t shut yourself away, okay?”

There’s some moving around on the other side of the door, and then it opens hesitantly, with Gerard peaking outside with a wounded puppy look on their face. Frank looks back, not knowing what to say, or how to get that sad face to go away.

“What did I do that was so wrong?” Gerard asks, “Like, why are people so mean?”

“Gee, I really wish I could just make everything stop and step back for you. I wish I could make sure everyone was nice to you. You deserve to have everyone respect you and I’m so fucking sorry that that’s not the case.”

Gerard shakes his head and looks down at the floor. Without saying anything to Frank, Gerard opens the door enough for Frank to walk in.

“Frank, I’m sorry,” Gerard says, closing the door as soon as Frank is inside.

“Sorry about what?”

“Sorry that I’m this person. That I’m so messed up and... and, just, I’m sorry. I’m just so sick and tired of being broken.”

“You’re not broken, Gee,” Frank says, “You don’t have anything to fix.”

Gerard nods slowly, not looking convinced of anything, until they just step closer to Frank and wrap both of their arms around him in what can only be compared to a death grip. Frank doesn’t comment on it, he just lets Gerard hold onto him, with a head on his shoulder. Frank’s arms are plastered to his sides, with the bag hitting against his leg.

“Frank, it just hurts,” Gerard says, broken voice making Frank feel even sadder about all of this. Gerard just doesn’t deserve this. Not even the slightest.

It’s not like the word on the door is even accurate. It’s just some asshole, who Frank will beat the shit out of if he ever discovers their identity, trying to make Gee hurt. Even if that was a derogatory term that did describe Gerard, it still wouldn’t be okay.

Frank knows if someone said that to him, or something similar, it wouldn’t mean that much. He’d be able to brush it off and laugh about it. Gerard’s been going through hell to a higher caliber throughout more of their life, and Frank knows that he doesn’t understand, can’t understand. He wouldn’t want to either, because just the way it gets Gerard so down is about as close as Frank would ever be able to take.

There’s no doubt in his mind that Gerard is one of the strongest people Frank knows, because the shit they have to go through is brutal. Frank can’t even begin to imagine how scary it’s all been. The fear of realizing that you’re not who you’d thought you were and that’s why you’ve always felt out of place. The fear of having to admit it to yourself, and then to others. Frank doesn’t know how Gerard’s even able to keep their head up, because that sounds horrifying. It just goes to show how fucking brave they are.

“I hate that anyone could be so awful to you. Gerard, I know my opinion doesn’t mean anything, because I’m just like, just me, and it’s only your own opinion that matters when it concerns you, but I think you’re amazing. I think that you are better than a lot of the people, if not all of the people I’ve ever met. I think you are everything everyone should strive to be,” Frank says.

“Why wouldn’t your opinion matter?” Gerard asks. Gee hasn’t stopped hugging Frank, and Frank kind of understands that. Sometimes it feels like you’re going to fall off the earth if you don’t just hold someone to keep you there. And sometimes, what you really need to feel better is to just know that someone is there to hug you when you need it.

“Well because you don’t need my approval,” Frank says, “it’s not like my approval means anything. I don’t want you to try to compare your worth to whatever I think or say. I don’t want you to get the idea that the words I or anyone else say have any control over you or the way you see yourself.”

“You’re too good a person,” Gerard says, muffled by the fact that their chin is crammed into Frank’s neck. “Why do you have a plastic bag?”

Frank had almost forgotten about it and he replies, “I thought you sounded upset earlier, so I bought you some cake.”

Gerard whimpers slightly, “You’re way too good a person.”

“I just really like you, Gee,” Frank replies, “and in any case, good or bad, the last thing I want is for you to be miserable. For your sake.”

Frank has a small and yet also extremely large epiphany at that point. He hadn’t really anticipated the revelation, but all of a sudden, Frank realizes that he’s falling in love with Gerard. That wasn’t on purpose. That was unintentional. When did that start to happen?

Then Frank sighs and lets Gerard hold him as close as he needs, because yeah, he’s starting to fall for Gee, and that’s okay.