Status: writing..
Stay
November and December
1/11/2012
We sat on the sofa in his living room. We had just finished watching yet another horror movie. It was kind of our think now. Everything was great until I looked down at his wrists. The memories came flooding back to me. How I had been sitting in the school toilet during lunch, cutting myself and crying.
On his wrist were tiny red marks. They could have been anything but I knew that they were self inflicted. I don't know why but I just did. He seemed sad. He always seemed so sad.
"What's that?" I asked and he looked down at his wrists.
"Just cat scratches" He said but I saw right through it.
Later I got him to admit it. He did that to himself. Josh hurt himself. It wasn't deep or bloody but he still hurt himself and that wasn't a good thing. He would dug his nails into his arms when he was upset. He would cause himself pain. I wanted to tell him to stop but I couldn't. I did it myself.
Later when we walked to the bus stop I pulled my sleeve up and showed him what I did to myself. I told him that I cut myself with a razor blade. It was like time suddenly just stopped. I was scared.
He didn't say anything, just hugged me. One of his hugs. One of those worm and safe once. I needed this. I really did.
--
7/11/2012
Today was the best day in pretty much forever. Me and Josh filled ourselves up with Monster and as you probably can guess things turned pretty weird after that. We skipped school and stumbled down the street laughting and waving at random cars like idiots. We also almost got hit by a truck but to that we only laughed harder, causing everyone to stare at us. Other than that the following hour were filled with weird jokes and we ended up laying in the stairs in school and just laughing at everything. No they were nothing wrong with us. Nothing at all.
As much as I wanted to stay in that moment we eventually had to get to class again so we parted with big smiles on our faces.
It felt like ages since I wanted to die compared to the happiness I was feeling right now. Everything felt amazing. Maybe life wasn't so bad after all.
--
8/11/2012
I changed one of my classes so now me and Josh have one together. Art. But instead of actually painting on what we were supposed to we painted on each other's faces and laughed and the teacher got pissed but we couldn't care less.
We also sent each other small notes.
"Please don't ever leave me"
"Life is no fun without you"
"I need you in my life"
"You mean a lot to me :)"
Those notes warmed me up on the inside. And I couldn't help but smile. Secretly I kept my notes from him in my pocket so I could just have them with me wherever I went and remind myself that there were someone in this world that thought that I mattered. It made me happy.
--
30/11/2012
I have no idea about what the fuck happened but suddenly me and Josh aren't friends anymore. I couldn't believe it. I thought everything was more than great between us. But that's ok I guess, I have someone else.
Me and Matt started dating. It kind of just happened one night when we were sitting under a table in the dark. I just suddenly felt sparks. I thought that it was the moment to kiss him and I really wanted to for some reason but I just didn't. Then he kissed me on the bus and things just went on from that. I already knew he was gay since he have had previous boyfriend but I never thought that he would want someone like me. I never would have guessed that anyone would want me. I'm not really special at all. I'm not sure if I really had feelings for him or not. Maybe I was just desperate to have someone loving me?
We don't really act like a couple yet but it's whatever. At least someobody wants me.
But even when I was with him and he made me smile Josh was still on my mind and brought me back down. He meant so fucking much to me and I really thought that I meant something to him but instead he just comes with this "I can't trust anyone" shit and leaves me. Did I really mean that little to people?
--
31/11/2012
First official day as being someone's boyfriend. I couldn't say that I was not dissapointed. He acted like we were still just friends.
Later that night we were at his friends house and watched a movie. He had his head on my chest. I knew that I should've felt like satisfied but my heart was aching so terribly and I felt like I couldn't breathe. He looked up to me and I faked a smile but really I felt suffocaited. Did I really want this? Did I really want to be with him? I never felt like this when I was with Josh. It just felt right. I missed him so fucking much.
--
5/12/2012
Me and Matt has had moments with sparks in them and he has made me felt stuff, I can't deny that, but it just wasn't meant to be. We didn't really love each other. We both just didn't want to be alone and found comfort in just belonging to somebody else.
He doesn't love me. I don't love him.
--
14/12/2012
Josh is back again.
He came up to me and asked for forgiveness. I just wanted to give in but I couldn't. He hurt me so bad I didn't want that to happen again. I just shook my head and walked off. I could almost hear his heart drop to the floor and it made me want to cry. I needed him. I needed to hold him but instead I just held my pride.
But don't worry, I hate myself. I don't hate my life, just myself.
Everyone else seemed to do that too. The people who treated me like I didn't exist 'cause I was shy now treated me like I didn't exist because the hated me. It all turned to rage. If they would speak to me it would be harsh. They would tell me what a fucking horrible person I was. How ugly I was. How I was going to die alone. I just gave them the middle finger and walked off. I acted like it didn't bothered me but it hurt me deeply. I had tried so hard but it all just goes to shit anyway.
The talk behind my back. They give me looks when I walk by.
--
18/12/2012
I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't stay mad at him. I walked past him in the corridor with Matt. He was sitting on the ground with his earphones in and just looked sad. He didn't look at me but I knew that he knew that I was there.
I gave Matt a quick peck on the lips and said that I just needed to talk to Josh. He understood and left us.
"You know I can't stay mad at you when you're being this sad" I said when Josh had taken his earphones out. Something in his eyes lit up when he realised that I was going to forgive him and it made my chest feel a lot lighter.
"Let's just start over" I said "I'm Oliver, what's your name?"
I smiled and that's when he started to smile too
"Josh" he said, still with that beautiful smile off his written all over his face.
Later that night I slept at his house and we watched all of those The grudge movies. We held each others hand throught he movie and covered our eyes because we were pussies. It felt nice having someone holding my hand. Me and Matt were never like that. We still didn't fully act like a couple.
After we watched all of the movies we went to bed. We slept close. Very close. Our bodies were pressed together, his arm were around me and I could feel his chest rising and falling. I wanted to stay like this forever. I wanted to be here in his arms forever.
--
19/12/2012
He likes me. As more than a friend. Josh likes me as more than a friend. He told me as he walked me home today after school. He told me he liked me and that he hoped I didnt hate him.
I really really did like him. But I think I did as just a friend. I mean, I had a boyfriend I would never cheat on him.
Things were getting way too complicaited in my head for me to handle.
I thought about leaving Matt for Josh but I couldn't do that. I could never do that to someone. I was all about sticking with someone till' the bitter end. I only wish that Matt wouldn't even be in the picture. If he wasn't I would go for Josh in a heartbeat but now there were just this wall that kept me from getting him since I was in a relationship I really couldn't get out of.
Josh said he didn't expect anything to happen between us, he just wanted me to know. I said I was cool with it and that it was ok but on the inside I had no idea of what to do. I really liked Josh, I really did. He made me happy. But did I like him as more than a friend?
--
28/12/2012
It hurts tonight. Everything hurts tonight. I lay here in my bed just shaking in fear and agony. I just need someone to save me. I feel like I can't breathe. It doesn't dissappear until I cut myself and when I cut myself I feel like I've let myself down. I needed these fucking demons inside of my head to just leave me alone.
It feels like I'm sinking deeper and deeper down.
I just want to walk into the kitchen and stab myself in the chest with a knife. Maybe then my heart would stop aching so terribly. I wanted to die.
I've found myself aimlessly pacing around my home and looking for pills. Any kind of pills. Just anything that could kill me. I didn't want to be here.
I want to die.
I just want to kill myself.
We sat on the sofa in his living room. We had just finished watching yet another horror movie. It was kind of our think now. Everything was great until I looked down at his wrists. The memories came flooding back to me. How I had been sitting in the school toilet during lunch, cutting myself and crying.
On his wrist were tiny red marks. They could have been anything but I knew that they were self inflicted. I don't know why but I just did. He seemed sad. He always seemed so sad.
"What's that?" I asked and he looked down at his wrists.
"Just cat scratches" He said but I saw right through it.
Later I got him to admit it. He did that to himself. Josh hurt himself. It wasn't deep or bloody but he still hurt himself and that wasn't a good thing. He would dug his nails into his arms when he was upset. He would cause himself pain. I wanted to tell him to stop but I couldn't. I did it myself.
Later when we walked to the bus stop I pulled my sleeve up and showed him what I did to myself. I told him that I cut myself with a razor blade. It was like time suddenly just stopped. I was scared.
He didn't say anything, just hugged me. One of his hugs. One of those worm and safe once. I needed this. I really did.
--
7/11/2012
Today was the best day in pretty much forever. Me and Josh filled ourselves up with Monster and as you probably can guess things turned pretty weird after that. We skipped school and stumbled down the street laughting and waving at random cars like idiots. We also almost got hit by a truck but to that we only laughed harder, causing everyone to stare at us. Other than that the following hour were filled with weird jokes and we ended up laying in the stairs in school and just laughing at everything. No they were nothing wrong with us. Nothing at all.
As much as I wanted to stay in that moment we eventually had to get to class again so we parted with big smiles on our faces.
It felt like ages since I wanted to die compared to the happiness I was feeling right now. Everything felt amazing. Maybe life wasn't so bad after all.
--
8/11/2012
I changed one of my classes so now me and Josh have one together. Art. But instead of actually painting on what we were supposed to we painted on each other's faces and laughed and the teacher got pissed but we couldn't care less.
We also sent each other small notes.
"Please don't ever leave me"
"Life is no fun without you"
"I need you in my life"
"You mean a lot to me :)"
Those notes warmed me up on the inside. And I couldn't help but smile. Secretly I kept my notes from him in my pocket so I could just have them with me wherever I went and remind myself that there were someone in this world that thought that I mattered. It made me happy.
--
30/11/2012
I have no idea about what the fuck happened but suddenly me and Josh aren't friends anymore. I couldn't believe it. I thought everything was more than great between us. But that's ok I guess, I have someone else.
Me and Matt started dating. It kind of just happened one night when we were sitting under a table in the dark. I just suddenly felt sparks. I thought that it was the moment to kiss him and I really wanted to for some reason but I just didn't. Then he kissed me on the bus and things just went on from that. I already knew he was gay since he have had previous boyfriend but I never thought that he would want someone like me. I never would have guessed that anyone would want me. I'm not really special at all. I'm not sure if I really had feelings for him or not. Maybe I was just desperate to have someone loving me?
We don't really act like a couple yet but it's whatever. At least someobody wants me.
But even when I was with him and he made me smile Josh was still on my mind and brought me back down. He meant so fucking much to me and I really thought that I meant something to him but instead he just comes with this "I can't trust anyone" shit and leaves me. Did I really mean that little to people?
--
31/11/2012
First official day as being someone's boyfriend. I couldn't say that I was not dissapointed. He acted like we were still just friends.
Later that night we were at his friends house and watched a movie. He had his head on my chest. I knew that I should've felt like satisfied but my heart was aching so terribly and I felt like I couldn't breathe. He looked up to me and I faked a smile but really I felt suffocaited. Did I really want this? Did I really want to be with him? I never felt like this when I was with Josh. It just felt right. I missed him so fucking much.
--
5/12/2012
Me and Matt has had moments with sparks in them and he has made me felt stuff, I can't deny that, but it just wasn't meant to be. We didn't really love each other. We both just didn't want to be alone and found comfort in just belonging to somebody else.
He doesn't love me. I don't love him.
--
14/12/2012
Josh is back again.
He came up to me and asked for forgiveness. I just wanted to give in but I couldn't. He hurt me so bad I didn't want that to happen again. I just shook my head and walked off. I could almost hear his heart drop to the floor and it made me want to cry. I needed him. I needed to hold him but instead I just held my pride.
But don't worry, I hate myself. I don't hate my life, just myself.
Everyone else seemed to do that too. The people who treated me like I didn't exist 'cause I was shy now treated me like I didn't exist because the hated me. It all turned to rage. If they would speak to me it would be harsh. They would tell me what a fucking horrible person I was. How ugly I was. How I was going to die alone. I just gave them the middle finger and walked off. I acted like it didn't bothered me but it hurt me deeply. I had tried so hard but it all just goes to shit anyway.
The talk behind my back. They give me looks when I walk by.
--
18/12/2012
I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't stay mad at him. I walked past him in the corridor with Matt. He was sitting on the ground with his earphones in and just looked sad. He didn't look at me but I knew that he knew that I was there.
I gave Matt a quick peck on the lips and said that I just needed to talk to Josh. He understood and left us.
"You know I can't stay mad at you when you're being this sad" I said when Josh had taken his earphones out. Something in his eyes lit up when he realised that I was going to forgive him and it made my chest feel a lot lighter.
"Let's just start over" I said "I'm Oliver, what's your name?"
I smiled and that's when he started to smile too
"Josh" he said, still with that beautiful smile off his written all over his face.
Later that night I slept at his house and we watched all of those The grudge movies. We held each others hand throught he movie and covered our eyes because we were pussies. It felt nice having someone holding my hand. Me and Matt were never like that. We still didn't fully act like a couple.
After we watched all of the movies we went to bed. We slept close. Very close. Our bodies were pressed together, his arm were around me and I could feel his chest rising and falling. I wanted to stay like this forever. I wanted to be here in his arms forever.
--
19/12/2012
He likes me. As more than a friend. Josh likes me as more than a friend. He told me as he walked me home today after school. He told me he liked me and that he hoped I didnt hate him.
I really really did like him. But I think I did as just a friend. I mean, I had a boyfriend I would never cheat on him.
Things were getting way too complicaited in my head for me to handle.
I thought about leaving Matt for Josh but I couldn't do that. I could never do that to someone. I was all about sticking with someone till' the bitter end. I only wish that Matt wouldn't even be in the picture. If he wasn't I would go for Josh in a heartbeat but now there were just this wall that kept me from getting him since I was in a relationship I really couldn't get out of.
Josh said he didn't expect anything to happen between us, he just wanted me to know. I said I was cool with it and that it was ok but on the inside I had no idea of what to do. I really liked Josh, I really did. He made me happy. But did I like him as more than a friend?
--
28/12/2012
It hurts tonight. Everything hurts tonight. I lay here in my bed just shaking in fear and agony. I just need someone to save me. I feel like I can't breathe. It doesn't dissappear until I cut myself and when I cut myself I feel like I've let myself down. I needed these fucking demons inside of my head to just leave me alone.
It feels like I'm sinking deeper and deeper down.
I just want to walk into the kitchen and stab myself in the chest with a knife. Maybe then my heart would stop aching so terribly. I wanted to die.
I've found myself aimlessly pacing around my home and looking for pills. Any kind of pills. Just anything that could kill me. I didn't want to be here.
I want to die.
I just want to kill myself.