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Jaunary and February
18/1/2013
The breakup. It really did happen after all. I knew it would come to this point I just never thought that he would be a dickhead and do it over Facebook. Like seriously. He woke me up in the morning to say that it wasn't working anymore and that he just wanted to be friends.
I'm back to having nothing again.
It wasn't really the fact that I just lost him that hurt me the most, it was the fact that he was all I had left and I just lost that.
I put my head in my hands, feeling my heart squezing and turning in my chest as I tried to keep my tears inside. I couldn't be alone. Please not now. I didn't let the tears fall through. Instead I just stood up, got dressed and headed to school.
I met Josh at school. We sat in the corridor and watched another horror movie on my phone. It was kind of our thing now I guess 'cause we always seemed to do it.
Matt's friend came up to us during the half of it, put his hands on my shoulders and asked if I was ok.
We had talked a few times but he wasn't somoene I could open up to so I just said that I was fine.
I could see Josh looking at me with worry in his eyes and when Matt's friend was gone she asked me what that was about. I just shrugged, said "nothing" and hit the play button again. To my relief she turned her head back to the screen of my phone instead of questioning me further.
I told Josh about the breakup during the day and about how mad and upset I was and I don't know who suggested it but on the lunch break we just started to throw trash cans around in the empty hallway. That was a weird way of releasing feelings but somehow it made everything better and when we heard a teacher coming we just ran off laughing. I felt as if everything was ok again. Everything was always ok when I was with Josh. He made everything better.
--
29/1/2013
Why can't he just stop? Why can't he stop doing this to me?
Right when everything was great and he was all I have he just leaves me out of nowhere. He says it's because he doesn't think he deserves love but don't he think that I do? I fucking needed him, why did he have to do this again? We've been thought this once before this didn't need to happen again.
Josh was gone.
I wanted to hit him.
I wanted to choke him.
I was so fucking angry.
I needed him so much.
But instead of taking it out on him I just drank. I got drunk and went to school. I found beer at home, it's not like my stepdad really needed it anyway.
It was better though. I spent the day not feeling much at all and nothing really bothered me.
The teachers looked suspicious, they could probably smell the alcohol on my breath but I just couldn't care less.
--
1/2/2013
I'm not afraid of dying anymore. I have really thought it through and I don't think I'm scared anymore. The only thing I'm scared of is attempting suicide and then waking up in the morning. What would happen? What would I really wake up to?
If I was to try and kill myself I was going to make sure I did it right.
--
15/2/2013
It's time. It's now that it happens. There is nothing left for me here, this is where it ends.
I looked at myself in the mirror and all I could think about was how fucking tired I was of myself. How fucking tired I was of my life. Everything just goes to shit.
I found them. I had found the pills. This was it.
I put them on the back of my tongue and swallowed down with water. After every pill that went down my throat I asked myself if this really was what I wanted. Yes, it was.
Goodbye.
--
16/2/2013
I didn't know what to expect. God telling me that they couldn't let me in to heaven maybe?
This wasn't what I thought would happen though. Nothing happened. Nothing at all.
I woke up like every other morning.
Was I a ghost? Is this what happens when you die?
Everything felt completely normal. I was laying in my bed and it felt as if I had never even swallowed those pills yesterday.
I only knew that I had when I looked over to the glass beside my bed and saw that it was almost empty. I had done it. Wasn't 15 pills enough to kill? Did I need more? Nothing even happened at all? I sat up, obviously confused and looked around in my room.
Why the fuck am I not dead?
--
20/2/2013
You might think that waking up from my first suicide attempt might have learnt me a lesson and made me think that maybe I was actually meant to be alive but I still believed that there was no such thing as faith. I wanted to die and I was going to get what I wanted. There was nothing or no one to stop me anymore. I wasn't meant to be alive. Life wasn't meant for everyone.
Tonight I had 25 pills.
25 was enough to kill me right?
I didn't think much more of it, I just swallowed them and went to bed. This was it. I was scared. This was where it all ended. Everything is going to go black and then there's going to be no more Oliver. No more of me. People won't have to deal with me anymore.
It's time to say goodbye.
--
21/2/2013
I'm dead. I am actually dead. There was no pain anymore. There was nothing. I couldn't feel anything. I wasn't with my body. I didn't feel any connection with my arms or legs. Wait- why the fuck am I thinking if I'm not here anymore.
I opened my eyes.
I was in my room.
Well I think it was my room, but I wasn't sure.
I felt as if I was glued onto my bed as it moved back and forth, gently swaying me across my room. That's when I realised that I had survived. I was angry. What did it take to kill me?
I looked down at my hand which was placed onto my stomach. I began moving my fingers. I could see them moving but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything.
And on top of that I was covered in sweat and my heart was pounding in my ears. Now I was scared. This was not the way I wanted to die. I wanted to die peacefully. I couldn't move but I felt myself slowly drift away. How did I even wake up the first place? Wasn't I supposed to be dead by now?
--
28/2/2013
I'm stuck in a hospital. Not the normal one. The hospital for crazy people. That kind of hospital.
My parents found me and here's where I ended up. I just wanted to die. I wish I would've just died, I can't stand to be here any longer.
They say I can't talk to anyone before leaving me in a small white room and closing the doors. I didn't wanna be here. I just wanted to go home and sleep and forget that this ever happened. I was denying it all. I was trapped in a state of denyal.
"I was having bad anxiety and just wanted to sleep, I never wanted to die" I had said.
Lie.
Everything I said was a lie.
The breakup. It really did happen after all. I knew it would come to this point I just never thought that he would be a dickhead and do it over Facebook. Like seriously. He woke me up in the morning to say that it wasn't working anymore and that he just wanted to be friends.
I'm back to having nothing again.
It wasn't really the fact that I just lost him that hurt me the most, it was the fact that he was all I had left and I just lost that.
I put my head in my hands, feeling my heart squezing and turning in my chest as I tried to keep my tears inside. I couldn't be alone. Please not now. I didn't let the tears fall through. Instead I just stood up, got dressed and headed to school.
I met Josh at school. We sat in the corridor and watched another horror movie on my phone. It was kind of our thing now I guess 'cause we always seemed to do it.
Matt's friend came up to us during the half of it, put his hands on my shoulders and asked if I was ok.
We had talked a few times but he wasn't somoene I could open up to so I just said that I was fine.
I could see Josh looking at me with worry in his eyes and when Matt's friend was gone she asked me what that was about. I just shrugged, said "nothing" and hit the play button again. To my relief she turned her head back to the screen of my phone instead of questioning me further.
I told Josh about the breakup during the day and about how mad and upset I was and I don't know who suggested it but on the lunch break we just started to throw trash cans around in the empty hallway. That was a weird way of releasing feelings but somehow it made everything better and when we heard a teacher coming we just ran off laughing. I felt as if everything was ok again. Everything was always ok when I was with Josh. He made everything better.
--
29/1/2013
Why can't he just stop? Why can't he stop doing this to me?
Right when everything was great and he was all I have he just leaves me out of nowhere. He says it's because he doesn't think he deserves love but don't he think that I do? I fucking needed him, why did he have to do this again? We've been thought this once before this didn't need to happen again.
Josh was gone.
I wanted to hit him.
I wanted to choke him.
I was so fucking angry.
I needed him so much.
But instead of taking it out on him I just drank. I got drunk and went to school. I found beer at home, it's not like my stepdad really needed it anyway.
It was better though. I spent the day not feeling much at all and nothing really bothered me.
The teachers looked suspicious, they could probably smell the alcohol on my breath but I just couldn't care less.
--
1/2/2013
I'm not afraid of dying anymore. I have really thought it through and I don't think I'm scared anymore. The only thing I'm scared of is attempting suicide and then waking up in the morning. What would happen? What would I really wake up to?
If I was to try and kill myself I was going to make sure I did it right.
--
15/2/2013
It's time. It's now that it happens. There is nothing left for me here, this is where it ends.
I looked at myself in the mirror and all I could think about was how fucking tired I was of myself. How fucking tired I was of my life. Everything just goes to shit.
I found them. I had found the pills. This was it.
I put them on the back of my tongue and swallowed down with water. After every pill that went down my throat I asked myself if this really was what I wanted. Yes, it was.
Goodbye.
--
16/2/2013
I didn't know what to expect. God telling me that they couldn't let me in to heaven maybe?
This wasn't what I thought would happen though. Nothing happened. Nothing at all.
I woke up like every other morning.
Was I a ghost? Is this what happens when you die?
Everything felt completely normal. I was laying in my bed and it felt as if I had never even swallowed those pills yesterday.
I only knew that I had when I looked over to the glass beside my bed and saw that it was almost empty. I had done it. Wasn't 15 pills enough to kill? Did I need more? Nothing even happened at all? I sat up, obviously confused and looked around in my room.
Why the fuck am I not dead?
--
20/2/2013
You might think that waking up from my first suicide attempt might have learnt me a lesson and made me think that maybe I was actually meant to be alive but I still believed that there was no such thing as faith. I wanted to die and I was going to get what I wanted. There was nothing or no one to stop me anymore. I wasn't meant to be alive. Life wasn't meant for everyone.
Tonight I had 25 pills.
25 was enough to kill me right?
I didn't think much more of it, I just swallowed them and went to bed. This was it. I was scared. This was where it all ended. Everything is going to go black and then there's going to be no more Oliver. No more of me. People won't have to deal with me anymore.
It's time to say goodbye.
--
21/2/2013
I'm dead. I am actually dead. There was no pain anymore. There was nothing. I couldn't feel anything. I wasn't with my body. I didn't feel any connection with my arms or legs. Wait- why the fuck am I thinking if I'm not here anymore.
I opened my eyes.
I was in my room.
Well I think it was my room, but I wasn't sure.
I felt as if I was glued onto my bed as it moved back and forth, gently swaying me across my room. That's when I realised that I had survived. I was angry. What did it take to kill me?
I looked down at my hand which was placed onto my stomach. I began moving my fingers. I could see them moving but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything.
And on top of that I was covered in sweat and my heart was pounding in my ears. Now I was scared. This was not the way I wanted to die. I wanted to die peacefully. I couldn't move but I felt myself slowly drift away. How did I even wake up the first place? Wasn't I supposed to be dead by now?
--
28/2/2013
I'm stuck in a hospital. Not the normal one. The hospital for crazy people. That kind of hospital.
My parents found me and here's where I ended up. I just wanted to die. I wish I would've just died, I can't stand to be here any longer.
They say I can't talk to anyone before leaving me in a small white room and closing the doors. I didn't wanna be here. I just wanted to go home and sleep and forget that this ever happened. I was denying it all. I was trapped in a state of denyal.
"I was having bad anxiety and just wanted to sleep, I never wanted to die" I had said.
Lie.
Everything I said was a lie.