Better for You

Songs inspiring this chapter:
o Ghost – Ella Henderson
o Demons – Imagine Dragons
o Problem – Ariana Grande
o Dear John – Taylor Swift
o White Horse – Taylor Swift
o I Almost Do – Taylor Swift
o T-shirt – Shontelle
o Tell Me Why – Taylor Swift
o You’re Not Sorry – Taylor Swift
o Wonderland – Taylor Swift
o Bad Blood – Taylor Swift
o Only Love Can Hurt Like This – Paloma Faith

‘List of mistakes that I have made this year:
1. Falling in-love with Har-him.
2. Dating him.
3. Losing my virginity to him.
4. Giving him second chances
5. Reading the internet post.’

I stopped there in my list as I threw my notepad and pen at the wall out of anger. The internet post. That fucking website. Every single detail. All of it. It was sick. It was twisted. It, it was psychotic. I wanted to throw up. I was repulsed. Every detail on every section. I-I couldn’t handle it. I had been through too much shit today. I thought that I’d hit rock bottom when Harry told me the truth, but after reading the website it was as if the ground had given way and I’d been thrown ten thousand feet under. This had to be rock bottom, it had to.

Because I couldn’t survive anything worse than this.

Harry had torn me apart with his words, revealing all of my hidden insecurities and exposing them for the world to see. He had cut me deep all that the website had done was throw in a tonne of salt into it. This cut was deeper than any cut I had ever had (mental or physical) and this one would not be healing any time soon.

‘If you think that Izzy has a bad choice in men then you could blame it on her ‘daddy issues’. That’s right; her dad was an alcoholic (and maybe a junkie??) and so Izzy wasn’t close to her dad. Her dad cheated on her mum once and even spat at her for trying to take away his whiskey!’ That’s all that I could read up to. I physically couldn’t read anymore as tears blurred my vision.

The problem was that I wasn’t hurt (yet). I was mad. Really fucking mad. Lucy had posted a website saying all of my issues and had even gone to the level of putting my family issues in this. And Harry, Harry had told Lucy all of this. I had trusted him and he had stabbed me in the back repeatedly. Again.

The anger was bubbling inside me and as I saw his stupid shirt that he’d left here the anger burst and I swear that I was seeing red. I grabbed the nearest thing to me which (luckily) was only one of my shoes and threw it across the room so that it hit the wall with a loud thud.

The feeling of releasing my anger into the throw was empowering and so I decided that I’d do it again. So I did. And then I decided that I’d throw my pillow, which was followed by my duvet. Then I looked over to my bedside table where the picture of Harry and I stared at me mockingly. I was smiling up at Harry with my eyes closed and he was looking down at me fondly with the traces of a smile on his lips.

I picked the photo up and threw it against the wall and watched as the frame smashed into hundreds of different fragments as it collided with the wall. It gave me the sweetest satisfaction as the shards all fell against the floor.

Within minutes the majority of my belongings had been thrown against the sturdy wall, reminding me of Harry in the most irritating way. It’s like how I was throwing everything that I had at him so that he’d let me in but it ultimately amounted to nothing as he remained unmoved and unchanged.

I sat back on my bed, pleased with my work of messing up my room and ran a hand through my wild hair. I closed my eyes slowly as a flashback of Harry’s hands entwined with mine flashed through my mind and I immediately opened my eyes. I couldn’t handle the memories. I knew what my mind was doing - playing tricks on me. Another flashback of Harry flashing me his goofy smile caused me to literally jump off of my bed.

I had to stop this.

I put my hand under Abby’s bed and groped the floor until my hands felt the bottle and I brought it
out. Vodka. I was sure that it would taste rank as it was made by some cheap company but that wasn’t important. It was alcohol and that was all that I cared about in that moment. I opened the lid and took a large gulp and it set a fire down my throat as it burned its way down to my stomach.

A memory of Harry saying “I love you” flashed through my mind and I took another sip. Harry’s lips on mine caused a third gulp. His forest green eyes led to another sip. Harry whispering “I can’t lose you” made me take a few large gulps of the terrible tasting liquid, and as I pulled the bottle away I felt all of my emotions from the break-up all channel together to form one single emotion. Anger.

So I picked up my phone and dialled Harry. He picked up straight away. “Izzy, are you ok? I’m so sorry, I-“

“Fuck you Harry.” I slurred.

“Are you drunk?” I could hear the judgement in his voice through the phone.

“Yeah, you see this dick that I fell in-love with screwed me over big time and I just can’t handle it.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t care, I just-I just need to know why. Why did you do this? You knew that we’d be over if I found out so why didn’t you stop it?”

“I don’t know Izzy. I guess I just wasn’t quite ready to admit to everyone how serious my feelings for you were. My feelings for you just scared me and I didn’t know how to tell that to Lucy and Zayn-you know how they are.”

“I don’t know anything anymore.” I answered and I wasn’t really replying to his statement and Harry knew that I’m sure.

“Can I come see you? I need to see you Izzy.”

“No. I can’t be around you right now. When I’m with you I make mistakes and I let you in and I can’t do that. Not again.”

“Look I just, I can feel you pulling away from me and I-“

“I’m not pulling away, you through me out of a window Harry. I gave you everything, literally everything, and you used it as part of a dare. I can’t get over that Harry. I can’t forgive you for what you’ve done because it’s tearing me up inside. I loved you so fucking much and now I can’t even breathe. You were my world Harry and now I don’t-“ I paused as a chocked sob escaped my lips. I had even realized that I was crying but as I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand I could feel plenty of moisture. “Now I don’t know how I’m going to survive.” I whispered and hung my phone immediately.

I ran a shaky hand through my hair and decided to tidy my room and all of the things that I had thrown across the room. I walked over to the wall and crouched to the ground, picking up my duvet and pillow and placing them on my bed. I then went to pick up my shoes when I saw the picture of Harry and I facing at me. He looked so pretty it hurt. And I looked so happy. I was so happy with him. As I stared at the picture I could actually feel my heart as it broke in half. Again.

I couldn’t hold in the tears. I couldn’t hold myself together. Tears came rushing down and my knees gave way as I fell to the floor. There was too much pain. It was like the pain was sobering me up and as I began to sober the pain increased and increased until there was a weight all over me pushing me down. My throat was beginning to get sore from all the crying but the tears wouldn’t stop.

My eyes were stinging from the mascara that I had stupidly decided to wear today and it was making my eyes water even more. The door then opened and I heard a loud audible gasp. “Izzy? What’s going on? What have you done to the room?” Abby asked as she closed the door and I could hear her walking towards me and I decided to turn to face her and her eyes widened as she took in my appearance. “Izzy! What happened?” She came rushing towards me and enveloped me in a tight hug.
“H-Harry” I choked out, my voice hoarse from crying so much.

“What did he do?” She asked and as I opened my mouth to reply my breath hitched in my throat. I tried to speak again but nothing came out. My tears were still flowing down my cheeks at a great pace and the sobs that were being emitted from my mouth were making it harder and harder to breathe.

“I-I can’t-breathe. I can’t breathe.” I whispered.

“Ok, take slow deep breaths.” Abby told me and I nodded my head, breathing slowly until my body calmed down. “You better?” She asked and I nodded my head, wiping away my tears with the back of my hand. “Good. So what did Harry do?”

“He was dared to make me fall in-love with him and then tell Lucy everything.” I told her, avoiding the details.

“He did what?! He’s such a dick! For fucksake.” Abby was looking extremely pissed.

“And then Lucy put all of the details on a website.” I told her and she gasped.

“No, no way! You’ve got to be kidding me!” Abby exclaimed and I shook my head, getting up to get
my laptop.

“Look.” I told her as I unlocked my laptop and got up the internet tab which had the website up. Abby took the laptop from me and began reading it.

“Holy fucking shit! This is fucking messed up Izzy! I can’t believe this! I actually thought that Harry had changed but this, this I sick. I’m so sorry this is just.” Abby looked so shocked as she read the page. “‘Unfortunately Izzy has issues keeping men which was shown in her relationship with Mike which ended as Mike was too into Lucy Fenn and couldn’t his lips off of Lucy’s plump ones.’” Abby read out with raised eyebrows. “Could Lucy honestly be any more narcissistic?” Abby asked and I let out a small laugh but it sounded more like a cough.

“All I know is that she-“

“Wait, what just happened?” Abby asked as she clicked at the screen with furrowed eyebrows.

“What?” I asked and went to sit next to her so that I could see the laptop.

“I think that the website’s been taken down.” Abby replied and my lips formed an ‘o’.

“Well, good. At least now no-one else can see it.” I commented and got up from the floor and began picking up the shards of glass from the picture frame and putting it in the bin. “Abby, can you do me a favour?” I asked.

“Yea, sure.” Abby replied, putting my laptop away.

“Could you not tell anyone about this whole website business? I just, I need some time to get over it
and then I can tell the others.”

“Ok, if that’s what you want.” Abby replied and I nodded my head and tried to pull a smile but it didn’t feel right.

I walked over to my bed and collapsed on it, staring at the ceiling as I listened to the sound of Abby moving around the room. “How come you didn’t stay the night at Niall’s?” I asked Abby randomly.

“His roommate was there and it was getting kind of awkward, you know what a dick Josh is.” Abby replied and I nodded my head.

“Do you have any water? My throat is burning up.”

“From all of the alcohol?”

“How did you know that I’d been drinking?”

“Please you stink of alcohol. Was it the bottle that I keep under my bed?”

“Yea, I can buy you a new bottle if you want.” I whispered and Abby shrugged her shoulders as her eyes fixed on the bottle on my night stand.

“Holy shit Izzy! How much did you drink?” Abby asked her voice an octave too high for my sobering mind.

“I was in pain.” I whispered and Abby sighed and made her way over to me. She then laid down next to me and drew me into a hug. The hug was comforting and was everything that I needed. Except it wasn’t Harry.

“I’m so sorry Izzy; you don’t deserve half the shit that you go through. Harry doesn’t deserve you, you’ll be over him and he’ll regret ever hurting you.” Abby promised me but I shook my head.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get over Harry.” I murmured, my lip trembling slightly.

“You will.” Abby replied and I stayed silent as I closed my eyes and started taking deep breaths, wishing for myself to succumb to sleep. “You have to.” Abby finished and my heart thudded in my chest as silence filled the room like a blanket.