Better for You

I eventually fell asleep in the early hours of the morning, curled up next to Abby. I awoke to knocking on my door and an empty dorm. My instinct told me to ignore the knocking but whomever it was was persistent. I sighed and got out of bed, feeling the side effects of the alcohol and break-up all too strongly as it hit me all at once, causing me to stumble towards the door. I looked through the small peep hole in to check that it wasn’t Harry. It wasn’t. My mother was waiting by the door and I felt relief and disappointment battle inside me.

I opened at the door and my mum gave me a warm smile and I instantly wrapped my hands around her in a tight embrace. “Mummy.” I whispered as her arms rubbed soothing circles on my back. After a few seconds I pulled back and invited her inside my dorm.

“What are you doing here?” I asked curiously.

“Abby called and told me everything so I came over here immediately to see you.” She explained. “So how are you doing?”

“I don’t know what to do, mum.” I whispered as hot tears came rushing down my face.

“Baby.” My mum breathed as she hugged me tightly. “You will do what you always do.” She told me soothingly. “You will get over this arse of a boy and you will show him what he’s missing out on.”
“But it’s not that simple mum. I love him. A lot... It consumes me completely and I honestly believe that he’s the one. And despite what he’s done I still love him and I always will because he’s the one for me. But I can’t be with him now. Not after this.”

“You’ll get over it; trust me, because if you don’t then he’ll walk right over you.” Mum warned me.

“What? Like dad does to you?” I shot back and immediately regretted it. That was too far. “Sorry, that just came out.”

“No, you’re right. He does walk all over me but all that’s going to change.”

“How?”

“Because I’m going to send him to a rehab facility in New York.” My mum confessed and my mouth dropped open.

“Really?”

“Yes, I went over the details yesterday and am going to submit the form later today.” She informed me and I gave her a small smile. I was glad that he was finally going to get help. He needed to know that the way he’d been treating mum was wrong.

“I’m glad that you’re doing this mum. Dad needs this help.”

“Me too, I didn’t really realise how bad he had gotten until…” My mum trailed off and I frowned. Until what?

“Until what?”

“Don’t about it.” My mum shrugged it off and I frowned.

“What happened mum? Has he hit you?” I asked; the thought of dad hitting mum sent ice through my veins.

“No, no. Don’t you worry about it – you’ve got enough on your plate as it is.” She told me and I nodded my head slowly, remembering Harry and what he’d done. I had been doing well distracting myself with my mum’s problems that the pain of Harry had lessened. Until now.

“Yea” I whispered as I ran a hand through my unruly hair. My stomach growled and my mum chuckled.

“You haven’t had lunch yet?” She asked and I shook my head.

“No, I’ve only just woken up.” I answered and my mum frowned.

“It’s 3 o’clock sweetie.” She replied and I dropped my mouth open in shock. I’d slept that long? I never lie in that long.

“Really?”

“Yes, we should get some lunch.” She told me and I nodded in agreement. “Ok, well I’ll go down to the car and you get ready.” She suggested and I nodded as she got up from my bed. She made her way to the door she opened it but paused and turned around, “Oh, and not to be rude but I’d suggest wearing a bit of colour on your cheeks – you look awfully pale.”

“Thanks mother.” I answered dryly and she chuckled.

I started getting changed into a black half top, black shorts, black beanie and heels. As I looked in the mirror I realised what my mum had meant by me looking pale. I looked awful. My eyes weren’t their normal vibrant blue. They looked dull and lifeless. I sighed and put on a bit of foundation and mascara before quickly tying my hair up in a messy bun. I opened the door and then realised how cold it was and ran back in my room and picked up my black leather jacket.

When I saw my mum she was on the phone and looked to be in a deep conversation so I got in the car quietly trying my best to not disturb her. However she quickly said goodbye and hung up as soon as she noticed my figure.

“You look much better now, where do you want to go?” She asked and her didn’t match the look that she gave my dark outfit. I often reflected my emotions in my outfits and my mum knew this which is why she looked at my so worriedly. I was dressed in all black.

“I don’t mind. Who were you on the phone with?” I asked and mum flushed.

“No-one.” She rushed and I furrowed my eyebrows however decided to not push the subject as I turned to look out of the window.

We ended up getting lunch from an Italian restaurant. I had cannelloni which tasted amazing and mum had carbonara pasta. We kept our conversation light to avoid the topic of heart ache and after an hour and a bit we finished our meal and left.

When I got home Abby had everyone in the room and I worried that she had told them all everything and they were all here to pity me. “What are you all doing in here?” I asked cautiously and then all frowned as they took in my appearance.

“Planning the trip to New York.” Niall informed me and I nodded, thanking my lucky stars that Abby hadn’t told them about Harry.

“What’s with you? You look awful, no offence.” Andy commented and I let out a dry laugh.

“Nothing, just been a long day.” I brushed off the subject and they seemed to buy my excuse.

“Ok, so you’re still in for the trip right? And Harry?” Liam asked and my heart skipped a beat at the mention of Harry’s name.

“Um, my parents have forced me to stay with them for Christmas so I can’t go and, uhm, Harry doesn’t, uhm, he doesn’t want to go without me.” I lied and bit my lip as Abby frowned.

“Can I talk to you outside, Izzy?” she asked and I nodded my head slowly as she walked over the door.

Once we were both outside she grabbed a hold of my shoulders and shook them vigorously.

“Ow, what the hell are you doing?” I asked in a loud whisper as Abby let go of my shoulders and sent me a glare.

“Trying to get some common sense into you. I know that you’re hurting after what Harry did to you, but that doesn’t mean that he can just ruin you like this Izzy! You’re going to need your friends more than ever now, trust me. You can’t just sit around in the dorm feeling sorry for yourself at Christmas!” She whisper shouted.

“Yes I can, ok?! I’m really not in the mood to be celebrating anything right now while my heart is in pieces. I’m sorry if I’m not in the mood to be happy when I’ve been completely broken and betrayed but I just want to focus on fixing myself and getting over Harry before I can celebrate anything.” I answered and Abby looked at me for a couple seconds in silence before replying.

“Ok, just don’t allow this break-up to swallow you because he’s not worth it. I will not allow you to be so broken by the heartless prick that it Harry Styles.” She replied and I nodded and forced a smile before we both went back inside.

When we entered the room there was a hushed conversation which was silenced as we closed the door. “What were you guys talking about?” I asked as Abby and I stepped closer to the group.

“We um, well-“Andy stammered with guilty looking eyes.

“Have you and Harry broken up?” Niall blurted and Andy narrowed her eyes at him at his bluntness.

“Why would you think that?” I asked wearily, flickering my eyes over to Abby who didn’t seem to look like she was guilty or hiding anything. She didn’t tell them… Or else she’s a really good actress.

“Because I noticed the picture that’s normally on your bedside table – of you and Harry - in the bin…”Andy answered but I knew her well enough to know that she was hiding something. There was something else. She paused before rushing, “and there’s a rumour that Harry, Lucy and Zayn wrote a website about you”. She spoke so fast that I almost didn’t understand her.

“How many people know?” I whispered, moving over to sit on my bed.

“Not that- Ok, well quite a few.” Andy answered honestly and I sighed, rubbing my face before flopping back onto my bed. Great.

“What happened?” Liam asked and I sat up cross-legged on my bed.

“Harry lied... He um, he was using me to steal my virginity and get information for Lucy. And Lucy put it all into a stupid fucking website.” I replied and speaking of it made my lip tremble as I tried to fight back the tears that were threatening to escape. I heard the entire gasp in shock and Andy immediately came rushing to my side.

“He did- did-He-he did that? Really? That’s-that’s just really-twisted. It’s really fucking twisted.” Andy spluttered, wrapping her arms around my body. “I can’t believe that he actually did that! I thought that he actually loved you!”

“So did I, but he’s just a really good liar. He can’t love anyone. Ever. He’s too broken to love anyone.” I whimpered.

“That’s a bit harsh don’t you think?” Niall asked softly, and I looked up at him with a hard gaze and his blue eyes widened at my harsh glare.

“He doesn’t care about anyone Niall. He’s selfish and doesn’t care about anyone. He gets a kick out of breaking people and so that’s what he does. The sooner that you pick on that the better. Trust me. I learnt the hard way.” I spat out, untangling myself from Andy’s arms, grabbing my bag and then storming out of the room.

I needed space. I needed clarity. It was too much having all four of their judgmental faces at once. I loved them all but they didn’t understand what I was going through. They didn’t understand me and I needed to be alone. Everyone’s been babysitting me whether it’s my mum, Abby or the rest of my friends and I just needed to be alone. I needed to break down.

So I started driving to where I just knew that I’d find clarity. My mind drove me to the place that I should not have found any sort of peace of mind. But something about it seemed to bring me a sense of clarity and in that moment it was the only place I wanted to be in.

*** Harry’s POV ***

By the time I had gotten back to the Frat House I was crying. And I don’t cry. Ever. The last time I had ever cried was when I was 14 and it was when Gemma died. That was the hardest day of my life and I never thought that I could feel a pain like that again. But this. This was worse. This pain was starting in my heart and then splintering across my body. And it was laced with guilt and the look in Izzy’s haunting eyes when she found out. Her ocean blue eyes hadn’t left my mind since I’d met her and now they were lingering in my mind with a menacing motive.

I had broken Izzy. I had completely fucking broken her and I wouldn’t blame if she never spoke to me again, let alone forgive me. I deserved it. I had fucking destroyed her and she didn’t deserve one bit of it. I didn’t deserve her and her heart. But I needed her. I needed her in my life to make me happy and as close to perfect as I’ll ever be.

I slammed my hand on the steering wheel of the car at my stupidity before starting the engine again and turning around. I need to rectify this somehow. I need her. I have to win her back. I fucking have to.

I headed straight over to Zayn’s house and got out of my car, slamming the door with much intended force. As I walked up the steps my phone began ringing. My heart prayed that it was Izzy, and when I saw her name on the caller idea my heart jumped and began thudding loudly in my chest. My hands immediately answered her call and began apologising. “Izzy, are you ok? I’m so sorry, I-“ I began but I was interrupted.

“Fuck you Harry” She slurred. Was she drunk? I thought that she drink because of her father?

“Are you drunk?” I cursed at the judgment that was prevailed in my tone, she didn’t need me judging her. I’d given her a bad enough time as it was.

“Yeah, you see this dick that I fell in-love with screwed me over and I just can’t handle it.” She replied and my chest tightened at the pain in her voice. It sent a pinch of guilt in my gut. I had never felt this bad in my entire fucking life.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t care,” she lied “I just-I just need to know why. Why did you do this? You knew that we’d be over if I found out so why didn’t you stop it?” she asked and her voice sounded so weak and tired that my heart physically broke. Again. I mean fuck. How the fuck was I supposed to answer her question without sounding like a dick?

“I don’t know Izzy. I guess I just wasn’t quite ready to admit to everyone how serious my feelings for you were. My feelings for you just scared me and I didn’t know how to tell that to Lucy and Zayn-you know how they are.” I explained, praying that she’d believe me and have some sort of understanding of where I was coming from.

“I don’t know anything anymore.” Izzy answered and I knew that she wasn’t replying to my statement but to how she had no idea about what I had been doing behind her back. Fuck had I hurt her bad. I needed to see her. I had to fucking see her.

“Can I come see you?” I asked. I didn’t care how pathetic I sounded. I missed her already I needed to soothe her. She was in pain because of me and I fucking needed to fix her. I had to. Maybe then she’d forgive me. Maybe.

“No. I can’t be around you right now. When I’m with you I make mistakes and I let you in and I can’t do that. Not again.” She answered and my heart dropped. I had fucked up so fucking badly this time. I could feel the distance growing between us and it was tearing me up inside. I had to fucking see her.

“Look I just, I can feel you pulling away from me and I-“ I began but Izzy interrupted me.

“I’m not pulling away, you threw me out of a window Harry. I gave you everything, literally everything, and you used it as part of a dare. I can’t get over that Harry. I can’t forgive you for what you’ve done because it’s tearing me up inside. I loved you so fucking much and now I can’t even breathe. You were my world Harry and now I don’t-“ She could even finish her sentence because she began crying. Izzy didn’t cry easily. I knew that. But I had pushed her way beyond the breaking point and it had broken her defence. I had ruined her and I would never forgive myself for that. I made her cry. I have stained her cheeks and I would never forget that. “Now I don’t know how I’m going to survive.” She whispered before hanging up and her pain filled me with anger at myself which I used to motivate myself to rectify this.

I began by storming into Zayn’s dorm and demanding that he took down the website. Zayn took it down immediately without a fight (as I knew that he felt guilty for what he had done) and ignored me when I cursed him for taking too long. Once I finished I drove back to my frat house. I was tired and I couldn’t see Izzy yet. Despite how much I missed and fucking needed to see her I simply couldn’t. She was right. She couldn’t be around me right now, and if space was what she needed then I’d give that to her.

As I laid down in bed I felt strangely empty without being able to hold Izzy’s curvy figure. I tried to sleep. I waited and fucking waited but it didn’t come so I ended up watching clueless on Netflix. It was a shit movie, but it reminded me of when I watched it with Izzy and for a split second I could pretend that she was watching it with me. I was complaining about how the story line was too obvious and she would defend it stubbornly in that annoying way she does and I’d lean over to kiss her forehead. But then I realised that it was my imagination. And she wasn’t really there. There was just emptiness.

The following morning Lucy came around and tried to seduce me now that Izzy knows, but the thought of her touching me made my stomach churn so I told her to fuck off and went back to stalking Izzy’s Instagram. She had posted a photo of us on it and I had screen-shotted it to my phone because I knew that she’d delete it soon. She was so pretty I was surprised that she didn’t see it. Her blonde hair was silky and always smelled like vanilla. Her innocently sinful lips were pouty and full. Her eyes were a deep blue and had been imprinted in my mind, resurfacing every time I closed my eyes. She was perfection. I had no idea how I deserved her.

I turned my phone off and began walking down the stairs, deciding that I needed to clear my mind. I needed a sense of home. So I began driving and within minutes I reached my destination and parked my car. I then began walking.