The Incorrect Definition of Love

Yes I'm a bitch, so what!?
Danielle is here, the second I saw her I fucking walked away. Having no idea where to go, I just ran away. I can't take things like this. I passed my bus and was thinking about going in, but my band members usually have someone over. Blow jobs and everything you can think of, they were horny men!

I stayed there in my bunk, and just how I predicted, Danny brought over a girl. He was lead singer, I was just the lead guitarist and backup vocals. This band was part of the reason I stayed sane. It's what helps me from really hitting rock bottom. I'm at the point where I'm about to fall, and maybe I have but I don't know anymore.

----

I knocked out before I realized and when I woke up I decided to go over to the Pierce the Veil bus. The walk wasn't long, I avoided people and just aimed for my destination. As I walked I saw Austin from Of Mice AND Men.

"I heard Mike's wife is on the tour a well," he said to the guy next to him, Vic Fuentes. My brother-in-law.
"Yes, she's with her band. I thought she was joining him but then I thought. Nah, they're not the same romantics that loved to hang out with each other. I'm not saying they hate their guts, but it's just not the same," I'm not gonna lie... Things really aren't the same.

I kept walking, I got to the bus and I found Mike.
"Hey Mike," I said as I entered. He had black circles around his eyes.
"Come over here," he ordered. I went over to him, and he pulled me over to his bunk. He threw me in and got in as well. He closed the curtain and looked at me in the eyes. Clearly he was already high. He pulled a small bag out of his pocket. A baggie of cocaine.

"Take off your shirt," he gave another order. I did as he told me, it was hard though in a small bunk. After I took off my shirt he unhooked my bra and opened the bag. He placed the white powder on my breast and sniffed away. He then looked over at me sniffing the rest. I looked at him, no emotion.

"Hey babe?" He asked.
"Yes Mike," I mumbled.
"I'm sorry I hit you," he said kindly while kissing my neck . He slowly rubbed my lower regions with his free hand, his other hand was holding him up.
"Oh really?" I said sarcastically. He then bit my neck making me gasp and dig my nails into his back.
"You think I like hitting you Hilda?" He said. I nodded.
"Hilda..." He whispered. "I'll change. Don't leave me. Please"
"Mike I won't leave," The truth was that I couldn't leave because if I divorced him, I would have nothing but a guitar.

Mike started kissing my body and slowly started undoing my jeans. He kissed me, snaking both our lips together. But deep in the back of my mind I had Danielle in my head. I just got more and more mad at the thought of what Vic had said. I kissed Mike harder, undid his jeans and took off his shirt.
"Mike," I whispered as he kissed my chest. He started taking off my panties and as he lowered his boxers I yelled.
"You're fucking slow." He then positioned himself in me and started thrusting. His thrusts were fast and he had no mercy. I moaned next to his ear as he laid his chest on me. I held onto his neck. Suddenly he brought his hands to my neck. He slowly started making his grip harder and he was was moaning and thrusting harder. I moaned and held onto his hands. He kept thrusting, sending us both into weird frenzies. I was panting and my body begged for more and I didn't realize my hips were making actions of their own. He bucked down my hips and kissed my neck. I was scared but he turned me on and my fears left. He then gave a load groan and I then knew he was on the climax.
"Hilda!" He exclaimed. I moaned into his ear and he came inside me. Fuck, during all this excitement I forgot about a condom. Oh, who cares? I'm an irregular.

----

I was walking around coming down from the drug Mike had brought me. I felt terrible and the hot sun was bothering me. I might have passed out or maybe I just needed to sit down. I sat down on a bench. I looked up at the sun and closed my eyes hoping the terrible effect of the coming down would end. I felt pure anxiety, and it was going to last. I hugged myself as I felt a cold sweat come over me. The bench was next to a bus full of people making loud noises. I started walking away as I decided it wasn't going to be a good place to stay.

I then noticed Vic, Tony, and Jaime. They were into their conversation and I couldn't help but notice my name being mentioned. I mean with my brother-in-law being there and everything, didn't matter but I heard Danielle"a name. I started wondering. Vic was explaining the same thing when he was with Austin which only left that deep remorse with in me.
"So Mike's wife is on the tour?" Tony asked. I wondered why every one asked that. Maybe Mike didn't want anyone to know.
"Yes," Vic answered firmly.
"Danielle told me that she's into drugs and into ," Jaime made a blow job motion with his hands. I was enraged. I was on the verge of something, my head hurt like hell, but that wasn't going to stop me. I kept walking, thinking about what to do. In a state of confusion I tried straightening things out. I could only see red. My body wasn't going to let me calm down. I felt every muscle in my body grow tense and my blood was pumping quickly. I went to my bus. There I sat and thought carefully. Or at least I tried to. Danny then came in again and noticed my anger.

"Dude, what's wrong?" He asked.
"I..." I looked at him and his face just ticked me off.
"I need to go out," I said. I walked away and headed out again. In my life there were always moments like this. Anger fills my head and as the outside says, 'I'm gonna stab someone' the inside says, 'Stop Hilda, STOP!'
I heard Danny in the background, "Hilda, if you need someone to talk to I'm Here for you!"
The guys in this band were so kind and I just thought to myself how grateful I should be to them. I shouldn't be mean and I should care for them as much as they care for me. It's thanks to them that I got off the streets. It's thanks to them that I have half my life straightened out.

But now...

----

I saw my target, Danielle. I looked at her from the distance. The way she smiled and the way she was full of joy and happiness. As I looked at her from the distance, I had realized the monster I had become. Who is this stranger I've become? She laughed carelessly. Though in her eyes I could see the years of pain I had purposely tried to bring upon her. And here she is now. As if nothing has happened. And that's what made me more furious. I am nothing and she is more than me. After all these years of trying to ruin her, I'm here more ruined than I ever tried making her.

I quickly walked up to her. I yelled at her asking if she had spread rumors about me. I didn't really give her a chance to talk when I suddenly...

I fucking punched her. And I don't know why but my body was going to aim for more. I then felt a tight embrace that held me back from causing more disaster. I didn't know who was holding me back. But maybe from all my fury i hadn't noticed that there were more people around. I tried getting at her.

"Hilda, stop!" I heard the voice yell. I watched as they took Danielle away. I felt my body start to loosen up. My hands dropped and I looked around. It was empty now. I looked back and saw one person I didn't expect. Vic.

"Hilda, look at me and calm down," He said in a soothing voice. "I'm going to let go of you now," He said looking at me like I was crazy.

"Why the fuck did you stop me?" I said annoyed.
"Do you realize the commotion you were about to freaking start. No wait- The one you fucking created!" He said a bit more louder than me. I looked down and now regret what I had done and I wanted to hit myself.

"Hey, come on lets go someplace to talk right now," he said softly. I noticed the place was getting full once more. He took my hand, and it had a sort of tight grip. Vic was a weak looking person, but when compared to me, he was ten times stronger.

We walked over to a spot in the venue that was a bit more empty and a bit more hidden. I looked at Vic and he was looking into my eyes. His eyes were the same as his brother's. The same looking ones I fell in love with.
"Look Vic, if you brought me here to do something sexual, I-" He cut me off.
"Stop, we're not here for that," He said this firmly. He was that older mentor I had which I respected. I didn't only respect him because we see each other almost daily, but because he's a mature respectful person. There came times where I could possibly trust him.
"Hilda, tell me why you would get so mad. You realize that you shouldn't be mad at your sister. She is, as a matter of fact, your family. And no matter how much you hate your family, you are supposed to respect and love your family," He said.
"You don't even know why I dislike her," I exclaimed.
"You're right. I don't know why you hate her. But I know that what ever reason you have is no reason to put yourself out there and make a big commotion that would not only hurt someone else, it would hurt you," He said this and I realized he had a point. I looked at him and saw he was looking up at the sky. I then looked down once again and stared at my feet. Ruined shoes that had no repair. I spent so much money on drugs that I don't even buy things to benefit myself in a positive way.

"Vic, I... I don't know what to do," I admitted.
"Well, one thing is for sure. You need to change and realize what is best for you," He said still looking at the sky.
"You mean Mike, right?" I asked.
"Yes and no," He said looking at me with a small mentoring smile. "What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, first, before you go and change Mike for your own positive benefits. You have to look at yourself and realize your errors first," He said. I understand! I let Mike bother me, be the bully husband he is, and I take it out on Danielle. That only makes me a hypocrite. I expect everything to go my way and I don't realize that in the intent. I hurt people and that my pride is in the way.

I thought about it and I thought about why I hated Danielle. It started with people around her bothering her. She was bullied and I'm not gonna lie, one of them was me. She then became suicidal. It was constant hospitalizations. I realized that I had been a harm to her. I was her trigger. I felt so guilty. And all that relief was taken out with anger. I became violent and the first drug I took was weed. It was a distraction to everything. For every cut she made it was another hit of weed for me. Then all the attention was on her. People cared for her and worried for her life. She had so much loving attention that I grew jealous. I started acting up and being rebellious. And when no one paid attention to me. I only became a destructive person. I didn't care who I'd hurt. I didn't care if I got punished. I became numb to any pain and lean red to accept that way of life. I grew hatred for my family and the world.

That's when Mike came along. And with the little bit of attention he gave me I confused it for love. But what did I know about love? I had the wrong definition indeed. I thought that just because he made my happy and have fun, we were meant for each other. But what did we know about love?

Plus, I'm not one to judge. I can't judge Mike. I can't hate Danielle. What has she ever done to me? She's the one who's getting hurt. I should learn to change, for her and for me. She is the victim here, and it isn't until now that I notice. I'm selfish and I need to change.

"Vic, you're right," I said. I felt tears go down my cheeks. I looked at him and gave him a smile of gratitude. He smiled back.
"You look nice when you smile. And see, that's the smile that I trust. I know that one that smile is the one that will help Mike," He said. I then looked up at the sky and I realized what Vic was seeing. The sky was beautiful, but who ever stopped to look at it. We're so caught up in life that we don't take the time to look at the beauty nature gives to us. This was the beauty the Vic found in the littlest things. Even in fucked up people like me.

"Thank you Vic," I said. I hugged him and he kissed my cheek.
"You'll see Hilda, everything is gonna work out. I smiled and walked away. I waved at him as I left and I saw him head his way. I NEED TO CHANGE!

----

I walked into the Pierce the Veil bus searching for Mike but found no one. I then went to his bunk and sat down. I waited for him. Like many of the nights I spent up waiting for his return. I laid down a bit taking, in the scent of the bed. It smelled like the horrible drugs I was accustomed to and it reminded me of the many times Mike and me made love- no wrong term- the good facings that we gave each other. There was no such thing as 'making love' in our relationship. I laid there thinking about what I could do to better myself. Maybe I should talk to my band and get support from Vic, for my problems with my addiction. Really, I've come to the point where I admit my addiction but I do nothing. The drug is needed by my body so much that my brain shuts off and doesn't allow me to think what's best for me and say the words to scream for help.

I stood still and minutes drifted away. I then pulled out my phone and started looking for someone to talk to. I couldn't find anyone worth my while. I scrolled down and saw Vivian, Mike's mom, name on the screen. I remembered when I met her. She didn't really accept me. And just to go along with Mike i stayed quiet and let him talk for me. He said I was great I was the best girl ever and look at me now. A horrible destructive addict. Part of the reason Mike and I married was because he wanted to go against his parents. And here I am now... I fucked.

I drifted off into sleep. and when I woke up I saw it was a bit early. But I stayed there waiting Mike. I took my phone again and started writing lyrics for Danny and the band. He and I worked together on songs and that's what led them to become hits.

Suddenly I heard loud thumps and I looked up. It was Jaime and Tony.
"Oh my gosh Hilda," He said with a worried look.
"What's up?" I said.
"Um... well..." He looked really nervous.
"What's wrong?" I said more worried.
"It's Mike," He said. "What happened?" I asked for the third time and if he didn't tell me I would freak. Both Tony and Jaime looked worried.
"He got sprayed in the eyes with paper spray by..." He didn't continue.
"By who?" I asked.
"By...You sister, Danielle," He said this and stepped back as if he was worried that I would do something. I stood still and looked at my surroundings and then at him.
"Okay, I'll go later and help Mike. And I'll go apologize to Danielle," I said calmly. They looked at me with surprised looked. I smiled to myself.
"You didn't expect me to react this way?" I questioned.
"No," They answered in unison. I giggled. "Okay, I'm gonna go look for Mike," I said and I walked out. They looked at me as I walked out and I just left them like that. Oh yah, I'm a changed person.

----

I walked over to the place where I found Mike had caused a scene. I saw him surrounded by people. These people were his 'friends'. These people were bad influences that only waited for Mike to do something stupid so they could entertain themselves. They only used him and he fell into their dumb trap.
"Mike, are you okay?" I asked as I got close to him.
"I swear Hilda, your sister seduced me," He said. I obviously didn't believe his lie. And he knew how much I hated her. He was using that against her, but knowing Mike. There was a reason behind her actions. He obviously provoked her to defend herself.
"Okay, well we should go Mike," I said, trying to take his hand and leave this annoying crowd.
"No I'm gonna stay here with the guys," He pushed me away. Literally he shoved me off.
"Mike, I really think we should go now," I said more firmly, but in exchange. I received a slap to the face.
"Who do you think you are? Telling me what to do," He said loudly. His 'friends' obviously supported him.He then shoved past me dropping me to the ground. His friends then playfully kicked me away. I realize how much of a bitch and hypocrite I am. Here I let these guys bother me, and then I come and bother Danielle like she's nothing. I reflect on things like that and maybe this plan for change is worth it.

I got off the ground and I hadn't realized I was crying. Tears rushed down my cheeks. I had never cried so much. I started walking with my head down to avoid looks. For the first time I act properly and don't take the situation head on and mess up, and Mike treats me like shit. Instead of helping and working things our. I'm the one that gets hurt.

I kept walking and I suddenly bumped into someone. I looked up and I saw it was Danielle and Matty. She looked at me and looked confused.
"Hilda, are you okay?" She was always kind and sweet- hearted. Why wasn't I ever grateful for the sister I had?
"I'm sorry... I...I" I ran off and I couldn't face them. I felt guilty for what Mike had done and I felt horrible with myself for at the pain I had ever caused.

I then felt a hand hold me back.
"Hey do you think you and your husband can just get away with all your bullshit!?" Matty exclaimed.
"I...I" I stuttered.
"You think you can come and hurt my wife and your husband comes and tries to abuse of her sexually and you expect to get away with it?" He was literally in my face yelling and his grip on my wrist was tighter and it hurt. I gasped for air.
"Who do you thin you are!?" He yelled. I covered myself with my hand, I was scared he would hurt me. I knew he wouldn't but I was accustomed to protecting myself from harm, because of Mike.
"I'm sorry, please don't hurt me. I'm sorry!" I yelled for my safety.
"Matty stop it!" Danielle yelled behind him. She rushed to him and shoved him off and she took me in her embrace.
"Are you okay?" She said soothingly.
"How can you be so kind Danielle?" He asked. "Shut up Matty!" She yelled back.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry Danielle," I said in her tight embrace.
"It's okay-" She then paused and looked at me. She placed a hand on my forehead. I felt dizzy instantly and couldn't keep my head up. I felt sick.
"Oh my gosh Hilda, you have a fever," She said more worried than before. I felt wrong in my gut.
"I'm sorry Danielle," I kept repeating.
"Hilda... Hilda," Suddenly I collapsed and everything was dark. I had passed out.