Letters to You

I’m not sure if I believe in finding a soul mate and spending the rest of your life with that person. I don’t even know if I believe in what people claim to be love. I’m quite the pessimist when it comes to life, I’m finally slowly opening my eyes to the optimistic side as well but it takes time.

I never expected for things to change around this much… especially not in such a short timeframe. I used to be the girl that didn’t believe in love, was dead afraid of relationships and hated being touched to admitting I’ve fallen in love, wanting a relationship with that person and slowly allowing other to touch me.

The last part is the hardest for me… because I can take people touching me but sometimes enough is enough. Sometimes I feel violated by a simple touch and I know that’s not normal, and all I’ve wanted my entire life was to be normal.

People have a hard time understanding my boundaries so they simply stay away instead. I’m completely okay with that because I can’t handle the pressure of building actual friendships with people.

I tend to give people far too many chances, especially if I care for them, and it always leaves me burnt. I’ve come to the point where I’d rather drop a friend than fight for a one-way friendship.

Last year, all I wanted was a friend… now I’d rather have none if they won’t have my back. I’ve learned, I’ve conquered and I’m ready to take on whatever’s coming for me… except for love, I’m not ready for love.

At least that’s what I say… what I feel is something completely different. Somewhere during our long talks at night, cuddles in his bed and gaming sessions I’ve fallen in love with you. At first I wouldn’t admit it but I spoke those words for the very first time in June… not to you, never to you… but I told my friend.

It was an immense step for me to take and it weighed down heavy on my heart. No one knows what you and me have, absolutely no one – not even you or me. We’re just two lost souls, trying to figure out what life has planned out for us.

I feel as if you are what completes me in life… because the things I lack are the qualities you have and the other way around, we seem to fit together like a perfect puzzle… but whoever’s putting us together just can’t seem to get it right.

We had a shot to make it but our drunken slurs ruined it all. We haven’t spoken to one another in three weeks, which is already hard for me to bear… but seeing you only once this week is what pushed me over the edge.

I now realise that I found comfort in getting to see you around every once in a while – even if it meant dealing with the pain of you ignoring me. Just seeing your face, knowing that you’re still around in some way made me feel better.

It drives me crazy to think that come February, you might be gone forever… maybe not forever, maybe just a couple of months but still the thought of not seeing you around as much pains me.

I’ve come to miss the silliest, simplest things about you. For example sitting on your bed and watching you play video games, your little jealous trips and especially the way you’d grab my arms and pull them around you.

You are the first person, apart from my mum, that I’ve hugged like that in years… you’ve had such an impact on my life. You gave me the strength to not feel defeated about my past. You made everything in my life bearable and I know you opened up to me as well.

You can’t say that what we had didn’t mean a thing, because everyone knows it does. And I hope that if you lay in bed at night, you sometimes think of me as well… I hope that I earned a special place in your heart like you did in mine.

I never wanted you to be walking away from me, but the decision was yours. The first two weeks were hard… I didn’t know how to act around you, so I chose to be happy and try to ignore your stare. I must admit that I loved knowing you tried to keep an eye on me whenever you were around. I liked noticing that you switched places with someone to get a better look at me, but I pretended to hate it and gave you dirty looks because that’s what I thought was right.

My heart sunk when you talked to my friends, pretending I wasn’t even standing there… but it was lifted up again when, the next day, your eyes were focused on me again. We saw so many ups and downs together, that it’s hard to find stability in the bond we have – I’d like to think that we’re just at another down but I’m afraid this might be the stability I was searching for…

The first week you couldn’t keep your eyes off me. The second you pretended I wasn’t even present. The third we only got to see a glimpse of one another but it was enough to make my heart sink.

It’s been nineteen days since our last conversation… and I’m slowly realising you might be walking away for good. You might not return to me, you might have left me.

What hurts the most is that I was never afraid of you… I never got afraid of the feelings I felt, I never wanted to push you away. In my mind and my heart, you were the ideal match for me… your feet are the only one’s apart from mine that I’m not afraid of. Your arms are the first apart from my mother’s I’ve felt safe in.

I saw a future for you and me, I saw a future in ‘us’. Maybe the feelings were mutual, maybe the thoughts weren’t… or maybe our timing was completely off. I’m afraid I’ll never know, I’m afraid we’ll never speak again.

“I’d never do that to you… you’re not just another girl. Things are different with you.”