Letters to You
October 20th, 2013
I can’t put my emotions into words, all I can do is describe how I feel physically and hope you know me well enough to translate that into the emotions I can’t speak out loud. So here goes nothing… because nothing is all I’ve got right now.
My mind is blank, my hands are cold and my heart beats rapidly against my ribcage. My stomach seems to be on fire and it makes me feel ill. I feel heavy and alone, a smile is too hard to manage and concentrating on something other than you is out of the question.
I’m confused more than I am angry, because I still cherish some kind of adoration for you – that’s exactly where the problem lies. My heart has gotten out of control; somewhere along the way I lost my head and started doing things without thinking about them thousands of times first.
I gave into you. I put my trust in you and just let it all happen; I let you take control over everything that was so dear to me. You managed to win over my trust, something no other person could do for five years. You swooped me off my feet and now I’m slipping out of your grip, soon to be hitting the floor left to fall apart on my own.
Please understand that I know this isn’t easy, for either one of us, but I need to do this. I need the answer to put my never-sleeping brain to rest. I considered you my family, you were my home and the thought of that being gone drives me crazy.
The thing is… once I get attached to people, they are all I see. They are all I need to live, breathe and be happy. I put them up on a pedestal and I’ll look past all the bad things they do. I try to love them in a way I want to be loved, the love I missed out on.
I got attached to you. I don’t want you to abandon me. I don’t need you to love me, I just need you to stay… with me, for a little longer. Don’t go just like that, don’t disappear when I care so much. I like you, I adore you… I wanted more than this.
I had high hopes for you and me, us. I wanted things to turn out the way they always do in the stupid movies that every girl loves and loathes at the same time. At some point I figured they would, you never know when things in your life might turn around for once. I had hoped that our timing was right… maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t – that’s something I still don’t know.
My mind is blank, my hands are cold and my heart beats rapidly against my ribcage. My stomach seems to be on fire and it makes me feel ill. I feel heavy and alone, a smile is too hard to manage and concentrating on something other than you is out of the question.
I’m confused more than I am angry, because I still cherish some kind of adoration for you – that’s exactly where the problem lies. My heart has gotten out of control; somewhere along the way I lost my head and started doing things without thinking about them thousands of times first.
I gave into you. I put my trust in you and just let it all happen; I let you take control over everything that was so dear to me. You managed to win over my trust, something no other person could do for five years. You swooped me off my feet and now I’m slipping out of your grip, soon to be hitting the floor left to fall apart on my own.
Please understand that I know this isn’t easy, for either one of us, but I need to do this. I need the answer to put my never-sleeping brain to rest. I considered you my family, you were my home and the thought of that being gone drives me crazy.
The thing is… once I get attached to people, they are all I see. They are all I need to live, breathe and be happy. I put them up on a pedestal and I’ll look past all the bad things they do. I try to love them in a way I want to be loved, the love I missed out on.
I got attached to you. I don’t want you to abandon me. I don’t need you to love me, I just need you to stay… with me, for a little longer. Don’t go just like that, don’t disappear when I care so much. I like you, I adore you… I wanted more than this.
I had high hopes for you and me, us. I wanted things to turn out the way they always do in the stupid movies that every girl loves and loathes at the same time. At some point I figured they would, you never know when things in your life might turn around for once. I had hoped that our timing was right… maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t – that’s something I still don’t know.