Stockholm Syndrome

It hit me hard. Like a truck. I swallowed the hard lump in my throat and took a measured step back. Only to hit Daniel’s chest and stop. His hand reached down onto mine and squeezed gently making me jump. This was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Suddenly I didn’t want to know him, I didn’t want to be here anymore.

I turned on my heel and moved quickly from the room. I didn’t stop until Daniel’s hands caught me in the door frame of the front door. I let my head fall into his chest and concentrated on my heavy breathing. I was starting to panic I could feel it in my chest, escaping me.

“Calm down.”

His voice was firm but caring. Whatever it was I listened without another thought.
“Do you want to go?” Daniel asked softly. “I’ll take you home.”

I shook my head furiously.

“Are you sure?” he questioned slowly. I nodded.

“I just need a minute,” I answered. My voice was shaking.

“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to Holly,” He whispered. “They shouldn’t have dropped this on you.”

“I have to get it over with eventually,” I muttered. “And I’d rather do it with you here.”

He looked at me softly and pulled me into his chest again. I hugged him tight for a moment until I felt strong enough to try again. As long as I had him I could do this. I gave myself one last second to compose myself before I headed back towards the kitchen. Daniel walked up behind me and took my hands in his.

Feeling embarrassed I walked in and kept my head down. I stood awkwardly in the doorway with Daniel at my side. Mum and Jackson were both behind the counter, inches from each other. I go the vibe they were having an argument. But the second we were there they went quiet. The tension built with the silence. Eventually my mother broke it.

“So…why don’t we go sit outside,” she said shakily.

Jackson was the first to move. He walked past giving a small gentle smile before he exited the back door. I watched him through the glass as he walked over to the barbeque and opened it. Mum smiled at us and picked up a few plates off the bench. Daniel being the gentleman he was walked over to help her and I followed them outside.

I had to give it to my mother. She’d tried. Something she’d never done before. Outside she had set up a table with a simple setting so we could sit out in the sun and eat. But this was Melbourne. Rain clouds were hanging overhead though the sun had only been out and hot an hour ago. We sat down anyway in the usual hope it would hold out. Minor conversation was made, we talked about work and school. Jackson dropped in and out of the conversation as he checked on the meat. Also I had the feeling he was avoiding me a little.

Maybe he realized he made me uncomfortable. I had every intention of avoiding him ten minutes ago but the more time I spent around him the more I wanted to know him. He was my blood father. I was half him, was it wrong that I wanted to know him better? I felt a little traitorous for feeling this way. I had a dad sitting at home. I shook the thoughts from my head.

Eventually Daniel had to go inside to go to the bathroom, mum followed soon after to retrieve something from the kitchen leaving us behind. He walked over to check the barbeque once more. Slowly I rose from my seat and walked across the dry grass. An aviary on the other side of the yard had caught my eye and I wanted a closer look. Inside two sets of cockatiels were perched closer together. All different colors.

They were pretty. It had been a long time since I’d had a bird. They were the one pet mum was always happy to let me have but I’d never been interested. I wanted something I could play with. I wanted a puppy. I felt a presence beside me and glanced out the corner of my eyes. Jackson was standing awkwardly beside me watching the birds. I decided in the spur of the moment to give him a chance. He didn’t seem that bad.

“There really pretty,” I commented and he nodded.

“They’re getting old,” he mentioned with a smile. “Like me I guess, I’ve had them for a long time.”

“I figured they were yours. Mum was never one for pets.”

“No,” he chuckled. “I want to get another bird. An inside one. Something bigger like a Cocky or a Gala you know. Something hand reared but she doesn’t want it.”

“Good luck,” I snorted. “It took me five years to get a guinea pig.”

He laughed. “So my chances of a dog….”

“Are nonexistent,” I told him. “I tried. I finally got one now.”

He smiled. “What you got?”

“A German Shepherd pup,” I replied. “His gorgeous.”

“There good dogs,” he said. “I want an Old English Sheepdog. One of the big furry ones. My cousin had one years ago.

“There awesome but I seriously doubt she’ll let you have it. You’d have to get something small and cute to get away with it.” I laughed.

He pondered this for a moment. “I’ll put a pick bow around its neck…she’ll love it.”

“Good luck with that,” I chuckled and turned as I heard the door open.

Mum stepped out and smiled at us. She seemed please to see us together. I turned away feeling something prickle inside me. I still wasn’t happy she’s dumped this on me. Even if he was okay.

“Holly,” He sighed as we turned back towards the birds. “I’m sorry this was so badly handled today. I thought you knew I was going to be here. I assume she didn’t tell you.”

I shook my head. “I had no idea…sorry I…you know.” I felt a little guilty.

“Its fine,” he dismissed. “I understand this isn’t an easy situation. I just want you to know,” he said slowly looking at his birds. “I do care about you and I’ll do anything for you. But I don’t expect you to treat me as your father or call me dad or anything. I haven’t been around and I know James has filled that role for you. I know you see him as your dad and I didn’t expect any less. His a good man.”

“Thank you,” I said softly and he smiled at me.

Suddenly a rain drop feel between us and we both looked up at the Grey clouds.

“Looks like it’s not gonna hold out for us,” He sighed and turned back towards the table.

I followed him back to the table where he and my mother were already gathering the sitting in their arms. Trying to save it from the unpredictable weather. I scooped up everything I could carry and took it inside after them, placing it carefully on the table inside. I sat down at the table and looked around the room. nothing new. Eventually Daniel came and sat on my other side.

“You alright bub?” he asked and I nodded.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied. “I talked to him.”

He gave me a soft smile.

“His alright,” I said. “His nice.”

He took my hand. “Just take it at your own pace, I’m worried about you.”

“Its fine Dan,” I sighed glancing over at my parents.

They were moving around the kitchen together. There was something about the way they moved that intrigued me. They seemed to gravitate around each other perfectly. They were never in each other’s way. Mum and James were always in each other’s way during the few times they were together like this. But they way mum and Jackson moved was like Daniel and I…. I pushed the thought from my mind and looked down at the table. Daniel squeezed my hand gently and I looked up at him slowly. He gave me a concerned look but I shook my head. I needed to be happy that my mum was happy. It didn’t hit me until then how selfish I was being. I didn’t want her to be happy with him…I wanted her to come back.

I was jolted from my day dreaming when they both sat down at the table. I smiled but it felt so fake. We talked for a while more before they served up lunch. It may not have been the best meal but I had to give it to my mother. She tried and she’d never been the best cook.
After lunch was eaten and settled Daniel followed Jackson outside to help him move the table they had set up out there.

I sat at the bench and watched them talk. They seemed to be getting along. I assumed Daniel was being polite as always. I glanced over at my mother who was stacking the last of the dishwasher. Not a scene I ever expected to see. He looked up and smiled at me, then glanced out the window.

“I was hoping it would hold out,” she sighed and I shrugged.

“It was nice yesterday. The first sunny Christmas we’ve had in like three years,” I mentioned.
“It was,” She smiled. “I’m glad. We had a good day out with Jackson’s daughters.”

I froze. That was new to me. She kept talking unaware of what she’d just dropped on me. I had sisters.

“How old are they?” I asked nonchalant when she stopped.

She glanced at me and it must have hit her. Her face dropped and she stumbled over her words for a moment.

“Oh, Lisa’s 21,” she started and looked away. “Jamie’s 16 and Penny’s 10…I thought you knew.”

I kept my mouth shut. How was I meant to know I had three step-sisters?

“I’m sorry we upset you,” She said looking down at the bench top and she cleaned it.
“It’s okay mum,” I muttered looking away. This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have.
“I just thought it was time you met your father.”

The word father prickled something inside me.

“Maybe I didn’t want to.”

I had never fought with my mother, apart from the small arguments most teens and mother’s had, but suddenly I felt that tension I used to feel between me and dad raise its head. She glanced at me, her eyes harder than before. I looked away feeling a frown take a face. I had a feeling this had been coming all day.

“His your father….”

“No.”

“Holly….”

“Don’t,” I snapped. “He is not my father and I don’t care what you say. I will never see him as my dad. I already have a dad.”

“James isn’t your father,” She argued standing up to look at me. “Jackson is. James has no right doing this…you belong here with us.”

Oh so this was what this was about. She was jealous. She wanted to play happy families and I didn’t. I glared at her I couldn’t help it. Something inside me snapped.

“No I don’t,” I retaliated. “I am happy where I am with my DAD. I want nothing to do with him at all. He is nothing to me…and if you’re going to force him on me this way I won’t have anything to do with you.”

I got to my feet as I spoke and she glared back. I wasn’t sure what caused me to say that but I suddenly realized I meant it. If she was going to force me to play happy families I would leave.

“He is not your father,” She said. She sounded desperate. “We are your family...right here.”

“He is not my family,” I retaliated. “Where has he been the last seventeen years? I am not here to play happy families with you!” I snapped. “I will accept him as a part of our life but I will not accept him as anything to me.”

Suddenly I didn’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t want to argue with her. So I turned on my heel and walked out of the room ignoring her calls for me. I pulled the front door shut behind me a little harder than I should have. But I didn’t care. I got in the car and slummed into the passenger seat. I knew it wouldn’t take long. Within a minute Daniel was walking out the front door. He glanced over at the car and walked over. We climbed in and sat in the driver’s seat.

“I can’t do it anymore,” I muttered breaking the silence we’d lapsed into.

“I don’t blame you,” He replied gently reaching for my hand.

“She wants me to stay and play happy families with her,” I told him. “She doesn’t want to except James is my father.”

“That’s for you to decide bub,” he said starting the car. “Not her.”

The rest of our drive home was silent. I didn’t know how to fill it or if I even wanted to. Today had done nothing but confuse me. I missed having my family, she was offering a family but it wasn’t the one I wanted. Then again I wasn’t even sure I wanted things to go back to how they used to be. For the countless time in my short lifetime I had no idea what I wanted.
I didn’t even realize we’d arrived home until Buddy hit the side of the car as Daniel parked it.

He was jumping at my door invitingly. He was getting bigger now. He hadn’t filled out he was just lanky but he still thought he was a pup. I got out of the car slowly and he tried to jump up and get my attention. I kneeled down to give him a cuddle and a pat in greeting. His love was simple and I loved that about him. Daniel waited for me and walked me inside eying me with concerned eyes. Did I really look that upset?

“What happened?”

Dad’s voice confirmed I must have. He was sitting on the couch with Sam and looked up at out entrance. His eyes glanced over me wearily. I shrugged and headed for my room. I wanted to be alone to catch my thoughts. I flopped down on my head and let my thoughts swim freely in my head. Dad, Mum…Jackson. Why did this have to be so confusing? Why couldn’t I just have a mother and a father…no more.

The door opened slowly and I expected it to be Daniel. I contemplating rolling over and letting him think I was sleeping. Or pretending to sleep to be left alone but when I glanced at the door, dad was standing there. His eyes were soft, laced with pity. I rolled over.

“Holly,” he started gently. I heard his footsteps come closer. Then his weight perch on the side of the bed behind me. “Talk to me. What happened?”

I didn’t answer.

“What did she do?”

I hesitated but I spoke. “Jackson was there.”

“Oh.”

“She didn’t tell me he would be…she just dumped it on me.”

“Didn’t go well?” she asked gently.

“He was okay,” I mumbled. “He was nice enough about it. She told him I knew he’d be there.”

“Bit of a shock hey,” he replied moving around the bed to sit beside me and look at my face.
I shrugged. “She…wants me to play families with her…she doesn’t think I should be here with you.”

He shot me a small sympathetic smile. “That’s between you and me Holly,” he said. “Not her.”

It probably didn’t matter anymore anyway a small voice in my head said. Didn’t I tell her I was going to have nothing to do with her? I let out a shaky breath at the thought and dad put his hand on me gently to comfort me.

“I told her I wanted nothing to do with her.”

He hesitated. “Again that’s your choice to make. You don’t have to but I’m sure if you wanted to she’d talk to you.”

She probably hated me more like it. I sighed and sat up. I wanted to be alone. Not have someone throw reasonable arguments at me. He watched me wearily as I stood up.

“I’m gonna take Buddy for a walk.”

“It’s raining,” he reasoned. I shrugged and pulled a second jumper on to protect me from the cold.

“I just…I need to be alone.”

“Holly….”

I walked away grabbing Buddy’s leash as I past my dresser. I walked out the front door and whistled for Buddy. He came around from the back of the house a bound in his step. I swear he got lankier every time I looked at him. I attached the leash to his collar and pulled my hood over my head as I walked down the drive. Thankfully the rain had let up a little. As we hit the footpath Buddy jumped up and started gnawing at my hand. He wasn’t biting, just putting my hand in his mouth to get my attention.

I sighed and allowed him to hold the leash. He would not leave my side for anything as long as he could hold his own leash. The only reason I actually put it on him was so I couldn’t get in trouble for not having him on one.

I found myself wandering aimlessly letting my thoughts take over. Half the time I didn’t even know what I was thinking about. I just knew I was thinking and that was enough. I was on auto-pilot the whole way until someone yelled out my name. I jolted and looked around with a frown.

I recognized the area quickly. Our local skate park was only across the road. A top a ramp sat Shane and Jayce. Shane gesturing wildly for me to join them. I hadn’t seen my friends much over the holidays and with a sigh I walked over. The second our feet hit the grass Buddy took this as free rein and ran ahead to molest Shane and Jayce. I plastered a fake smile on my face and followed him up.

“How’s it hanging?” Shane asked making some strange gesture.

“Low and saggy,” I replied making the same strange gesture.

Jayce laughed out loud and dropped in the ramp. Buddy took off to chase his bike around the park.

“That dog get stranger every time I see it,” Shane commented.

“Funny I feel the same about you,” I replied and he poked his tongue out at me.

“How was your Chrissy?” Jayce asked as he came back up beside us Buddy biting at the back tire of his bike. His tail wagging proudly.

I frowned at his question and my dog. “Half and half I guess,” I replied. “You guys?”

“Good,” Shane yawned. “Speaking of I have to go. Dad wants to go drinking with my brother’s tonight.”

“Nice. Have fun,” I said and he nodded.

“Will do, see ya man.”

“See ya,” Jayce replied as we watched him ride off. Leaving Jayce and I alone.

There was an awkward silence for a moment. Eventually I broke it. “What about yours?”

“Yeah good,” He replied. “Went to dad’s this morning.”

“Bottle of Jack?”

“How’d you know,” He smirked.

“Because your dad always gives you alcohol.”

“True. I think he wants me to be his drinking buddy,” he snorted. I raised an eyebrow.

“Just don’t end up like him,” I said sitting down on the edge of the ramp and he nodded quickly.

“No way,” He muttered. “Not that stupid. I know when to stop. What’s half and half mean by the way.”

I sighed. “With dad it was good…with mum….” I trailed off and he sat beside me.

“No good?”

I nodded. “You know the whole situation with my real dad?” He nodded. “Yeah she dumped meeting him on me today. No warning.”

“Bitch.”

A short laugh escaped me. A real one. “Thanks.”

“What?” he smiled.

“For not throwing reason at me and instead going with childish name calling.”

“Anytime,” He smirked. “I got more if you like.”

“Really? All about my mother?”

He looked away guilty. “No offense but I never really liked your mum. She seemed really…up herself.”

“She is,” I snorted. “Always has been.”

“But I get the feeling childish name calling isn’t really what your after.”

I frowned into the grass. “I hate how you do that.”

“I’ve known you long enough Holly.”

I sighed. “True you’d be a shitty best friend if you couldn’t pick that stuff.”

He smiled at my use of the term best friend and I smiled back. In an unspoken way we both knew he was forgiven for what had happened.

“Drink’s tonight?” I asked on impulse.

“Sure where at?”

“Mine I guess. I can’t go to the pub yet.”

“Ah that’s right you’re still a baby.” He ruffled my hair.

I snorted. “We should call Ethan and see if he wants to come.”

“So that makes Ethan, me, you and Daniel I assume.” I nodded. “Who else?”

“Rikki,” I said quickly. “I haven’t seen her all holidays.”

“Yeah I’ll message her.”

“I’ll message Shane to and tell him to drop by after his done with his dad.”

“Sweet. What time?”

I pulled my phone out. “About eight?” he nodded. “Give me a chance to tell dad.”

He laughed. “Think you’ll get away with it.”

“I’ll have to when you rock up anyway.”

Dad was more than willing to let me have my drinks night. Maybe he was just in a generous mood. Maybe it was because my mood had picked up off the floor. Whatever it was he was more than willing to let me invite people and even brought me alcohol. A first for him. The thought of drinks had pushed most the misery and confusion to the back of my mind. Maybe because I knew I planned on getting drink and knew it wasn’t going to bother me for much longer. Unfortunately Daniel read me better than Jayce ever could. At first he did nothing but shoot me worried smiles, eventually he dragged me down to our bedroom and started the interrogations.

“Honestly what’s this about?”

“What?”

“Drink’s night?” he questioned.

“So?”

He raised his eyebrows at me.

“I’m not stupid Holly. I know exactly what you’re doing.”

“Enlighten me,” I said a little harsher than intended.

A part of me was curious to know what I was doing since even I had no idea these days. He gave me that look that made me feel like he was staring straight past my eyes and deep inside me. It made me want to shudder.

“I know your upset over what happened today but this is no way to deal with it.”

He had me but I decided to play ignorant and arrogant. “So you think I’m going to become some low life alcoholic,” I snapped and he frowned.

“Of course not but you’re not dealing with this Holly. You can’t fool me.”

“I’m dealing just fine thank you,” I muttered as voice of my friends drifted down the hall. I walked away from him feeling another reason rise to drink myself into oblivion tonight.

“It won’t help,” He said suddenly and I stopped in the doorway. “It only makes things worse.”

What did he know I thought stubbornly. With another fake smile on my face I went to greet my friends and get this night underway.