You Still Have All of My Heart

My eyes must have been lined with red, my nose running from all the tears. Thank god to whoever created sleeves; I don't know what I would do without them! Despite the awful sight I must be right now, I couldn't care less because the only thing that matters is that Vic hasn't left me, but instead held me close to him as I wept my eyes out. As I slow my breathing to something a bit more stable than it was before, I wish my nose wasn't so blocked so I could breathe in his scent. Why is it that when you cry your nose decides to become completely and utterly blocked? Right now the thing that is going to calm me down would be my sense of smell, so clearly my body hates me. Like, seriously, why would it do this to me?

“Erm, Vic, it is all good hugging you, but I kinda need to piss...” I mutter, a blush spreading on my cheeks.
“Well move then. I don't want you pissing yourself on my bed.” he pulls away and just stares at my lips for a moment before shaking his head. Was it just me,or was thet boy trying to control himself?

With a smirk playing in my lips I leave the room and make my way to the bathroom, keeping my eyes out for his parents. When I get to the bathroom I quickly releave myself. What is it about crying that makes your body need to release any form of liquid it could possibly hold? There's no wonder why I have a pounding headache. As I glance ver the room a wave of nostalgia falls over me. Not that long ago would my presence here have been a regular and normal thing – if his parents knew what would happen in here back when we were together, things would have changed back then. We weren't exactly what you would call innoncent.

Peeking around the door I come to the conclusion that I won't be skinned alive by any parents, and so I swiftly make my way to Vic's room.
“No, come on, I know you love them dearly, but you need to tell them the truth,” His voice hushed, I could hear Vic talking to his younger but taller brother. Lord knows what this is about, but maybe it has something to do with the other day? Maybe that is why the fight happened and it would explain some of the things that his dad had screamed when we intervened.
“But how do I bring it up?” Mike's voice sounds pained, and I want to leave so they can talk, but I know that if I stay out here any longer the chances of being caught only increase. So I blow out a breath I didn't even know I was holding, and push the door open. “Oh hey there, Kellin...” His hand goes up to the back of his neck, rubbing it awkwardly. Wow, Mike, way to look calm.
“Hey there,” I smile, shutting the door behind me and settling down in front of the two of them.
“You... you didn't hear any of that... did you?”
“Hear what? No, I just came from the toilet, mate. Unless I can hear through walls you are safe. Why? Were you talking about your saucy sex life?” I throw in a wink. What am I even thinking? You can't just say that to someone. Like, for you to walk into your ex's house and just fucking ask about his brother's sex life? Wow, Kellin, just wow. You are the definition of smooth.
“Maybe,” he counters. "It is pretty damn hot." He's looser now, unafraid of what I might think. He must be joking then.
“Mike, what the fuck? You're too young for that!” he playfully slaps his brother's arm, and he pouts.
“I'm, like, a year younger than you so that is hardly fair. I wonder how many guys you have slept with because you would have been my-”
“Okay, that's enough Mike. You know the answer so keep shtum.” He covers the tall boy's mouth and loks up to me, my pale body shaking with laughter in the doorway.

I sit down in front of the two of them, my eyes eagerly darting between them to see if they will continue their mini 'argument'. “Okay, now that is over... what do you want to do?” I ask when I am certain things won't flair up again. As much as I love the two brother's I'm not one for really caring about Mik'e sex life. Vic, however... well that's a different story.

No. Kellin these thoughts must stop. You don't even know if you two are together. You shouldn't be together. But maybe you need to follow your fucking heart for once, but how can I when he owns all of it? How can I live whilst he is holding it so far away. I need to be with him to breathe again.

“Kellin, I dunno, but I feel the need to apologise for he other day when I got mad at you. It wasn't actually mad at you I was just confused with all the emotions going through me that I decided to act like a 5 year old and threw a pissy, and for that I am sorry. I have no right to stop you from seeing Vic, hell when you're with him it is the only time I ever see him fucking smile. And I like that. He needs to smile more. And-” Mike starts
“Mike, you're ranting. It's okay I understood. I was mad at you for being mad towards Vic. If you hated me, well I could deal with that because I kind of expected it. But It did confuse me when you snapped at Vic and I was willing to walk out of his and yours life if I needed to to make you two happy again,” My heart pulls as I speak, I was going to leave him. Completely and utterly leave him again.
“Hell no, I would not just simply let you walk out of my life like that. It hurt, sure, but now I knew where to find you I would have just tried to speak to you in school until I would have probably been reported for harassment or some shit because I didn't want to just let you go again. You mean way too fucking much for me to just let you do that!”

After Vic's little outburst my eyes just gaze between his and Mike's as I slowly shook all thoughts from my head before lunging myself at Vic, wrapping my arms around his neck. It takes a second for him to realise what is happening and respond, but when he does I just smile brighter. This is everything that I wanted... well, not everything, but that will all be sorted soon. I pull back, smiling greatly at him, before giving Mike a hug as well. This one is softer though – less 'let's attack this boy and get him in my arms, secure, before I wake up and this turns out to be some kind of dream'. It's been so long since I have hugged Mike, and it's nice, heartwarming even.
“Okay, so now you kinda just pulled all emotions in the air... let's do something!” I scream, before Vic slamming his hand over my mouth and pulling me close to him, my back against his chest as he muffles out my cries for help. God damn this boy, why isn't Mike helping me? They must be plotting against me or some crazy shit like that! Maybe they are secretly going to kill me, or Vic might kidnap me. Hey, the thought of that isn't too bad, but fuck I don't want to be locked away with him. IF HE IS KIDNAPPING ME I AM GOING IN MY OWN FREE WILL!

“Mum and dad are downstairs, you twat” he hisses, but a smile pulls up the corners of his mouth, despite the severity of the situation. Damn, all I need is for them to realise I am here so they beat the shit out of their son in front of me. His dad would never do it when I was there before; he used to wait until he was sure I had gone before he would hurt them – Well, Vic mainly – and he would never hurt anywhere that their clothes would not cover. But now he is breaking all of his rules, and it makes me wonder if he even has control anymore. Would they move away when people start asking what happened? I know Vic is an amazing liar when it comes to this though. Even I had no idea for ages about what was going on behind close doors. Then again, I don't think people could ever have guessed the severity of it. Sure, they might have guessed the punches and kick, but they would never expect the whole story. I mean, who could ever comprehend that behind closed doors things turn out to be even worse. He can put up with the violence that his dad and mum so often deliver, but the words are what hurt him the most. Physical wounds heal in a matter of weeks, mental ones don't, however. He'll grow up to be able to hold people and not have the pain from it physically, but mentally he will always think that anyone who could possibly care for him is only going to turn around and hurt him. I guess I didn't help to prove him otherwise, even if I never wanted to hurt him.

When footsteps pound up the stairs I leap from Vic's lap and bury myself in his closet, closing the door as quickly but quietly as I can. There is no way I can alert his parents I am here. That really won't go down well at all.
“Who's that?” A female voice floats through the air – Well, cuts, really, rather than floating. Nothing about her is soft enough to float. Sure, his dad (Ryan, I believe his name is, but who knows? I have never really been that close to him – it's never been on a first name basis and I am pretty sure it won't be now.) is the worst of the two of them, but he is angry. The mum, however, has this eerie calm about her when she is talking to them, although the bitterness and hatred that fuel her lungs comes spitting out.
“I'm Vic, your son, and this is Mike... also you're son," Vic's voice drips with condescending sarcasm.
“I know that but I just heard someone scream or something.” She isn't impressed.
“Mike got excited, wanted to go to the park, that's all.” I could practically hear the smile laced on his face as he tried to hold back his laughter.
“Oh, okay.” she makes to leave the room. “How did you get up here? You didn't come through from downstairs so what are you hiding?”
“What do you mean we didn't come in from downstairs? We walked right in through the front door like we do everyday. Are you okay, mum? I think you need a rest.” through the slight slit in where the two doors meet I can see a look of confusion knot all the muscles in her face. I could tell at once that she did not believe her sons, but I could also see that she was trying to control herself for that very reason. She thoughts someone was in the room – And she would be right to think that – so she wouldn't do anything to draw attention to their behaviour. For all she knows it might be a surprise call from child line or some crap that could result in her kids being taken from her. She wouldn't like that, now, would she?

But after a while her footsteps recede and I clamber out of the closet, “Mum, dad, I'm gay! There. I am out of the closet now!” I called in a hushed voice, smiling at the two boys sitting on the floor.
The silence that hung over them was deafening, but it instantly eased up when their eyes met mine. “Wanna play a game?” Mike asked, and I recoiled in mock horror,
“You're not going to torture me, are you?” to which he simply shook his head and left the room to fetch whatever it was he was getting, although with Mike it can't be that hard to tell.

My lip fell between my teeth as my eyes fluttered over to Vic, his dark brown ones locked with mine. Did he realise just how important he was to me? I needed to be with this small but muscular boy. My heart was telling me yes, but my head was telling me to run for the hills. My body defied my brain though as I moved closer, my eyes ever locked on his. I notice his eyes fluttering down to my lips as I got closer and his began to bite his lip. Butterflies were swarming in my stomach from just being this close to him.
“Kellin, I have something to ask...” his voice was soft, shaky. He was nervous. I cock my head to the side and await his question, but it doesn't come, because just as he is about to ask it Mike comes trundling back in, xBox games in hand.

We pull ourselves apart, a blush captivating my cheeks, Damn, why on Earth did I have to be so freaking pale? At least Vic can hide it more if he fucking blushes, I just look like a freaking tomato! Shaking the embarrassment from my face as though it is actually possible, I pick up a controller and groan. I hate video games, mainly because I suck at them. They are such a waste of time though. Why play games when you could be out, making music, meeting people or just getting high? No, Kellin, no more drugs. You promised it to Vic. Remember Vic? You know, the boy you're sitting next that means more than the fucking world to you? The one you just nearly kissed. I wonder what he was going to ask me? It would probably be something random like “Kellin, why are your eyes green?” Or some other question that I have no idea the answer to.

Of course, Mike was kicking our sorry asses at the game, as I cluelessly pressed the keys and hoped for my character to do anything of importance. It didn't. Who the fuck needs to kill zombies anyway? They haven't taken over the world yet and they may never do so what is all this bullshit about? As anyone around me can I tell I am fully against anything like this, so spending the evening playing games was almost a form of torture to me.
“Mike, I thought you said you wouldn't torture me,” I whine, a pout on my lips. Vic chuckled beside me. As my eyes focus back on the screen, trying to work out what is going on. All I know is that Mike is whooping my ass right now. A hand brushes mine and I look, startled, at our hands. Vic simply squeezed my hand a bit and left it there for a second before moving away again.

Once again Mike was up doing his victory dance, and I simply sat there chuckling. Sometimes this boy can get so irritating, but even though I knew there was no way of me winning and that he won on a completely unfair battle, I can't help but smile at how easily entertained he is. He is like a big kid. A very big kid, for that matter. How the hell did he ever grow so tall when Vic, here, is short as fuck? Maybe Mike isn't actually a brother. Well damn, way to go Kellin, convince yourself Mike has nothing to do with Vic so you can cry to sleep at night about how tragic it is.

No, Kellin, Vic is definitely the older brother of Mike, you just don't know why the hell there is such a height difference. It happens sometimes. Don't make your little world crash in on you. Okay?
“What's going on, Kels?” Vic asks, sending shivers down my spine at the nickname. He used to call me that last year when we were together.
“Oh. Nothing, just are you two actually brothers?” I ask without even thinking. As soon as I finish it my eyes go wide and I slap a hand over my mouth, frowning as though my mouth has betrayed me. And maybe it has, maybe it has some plot to make my life hell.
“Urm, yeah I am sure... why?” Vic raises his eyebrow at me as Mike just chuckles.
“Just... he is so tall!” I cry out in a whisper-yell, pointing to Mike. I might as well completely embarrass myself now.
“Actually, I think it's that you two are just freaking midgets really. Like who the fuck even is this short?” he prods both Vic and I in the chest, a smile on his lips and a light chuckle flowing over them.

The rest of the night was carried out in a similar fashion until Mike got bored and went to his room, leaving Vic and I alone. I had learned by now about how important it is for me to be quiet in this house.
As Vic closes the door a sigh escapes his lips, “I have been waiting all evening this,” his mumbles, pulling me into his arms and pressing our lips together. Butterflies erupt in my stomach yet again and I know that I never want this feeling to leave me. I doubt it ever will.

I kiss back, our lips molding together. His hands snake down, grasping my own as we lace our fingers together. Surely if we fit together so perfectly then there is no way in hell we should ever be apart. But my had keeps telling me no, and my heart keeps saying yes. This boy just confuses me so much.
“Kellin, what's wrong?” He asks, pulling back to look me in the eyes when he notices I have stopped in my tracks.
“Nothing.” I lied. I lean in and kiss him again, a smile forming on my lips. Everything about this just feel so wrong but it feels so right. But I've made up my mind. I run my tongue along his bottom lip, begging for entrance, which he gives me. Sliding my tongue along his, I smile as we fight for dominance for a moment before him allowing me to have control. Normally Vic can be quite dominating but it's moments like this where he becomes submissive to anything I do I can feel myself losing control of myself and wanting to be with him forever.

I pin him against the door, his back flush with it. Our hearts beat together, their speeds every increasing as we lose ourselves in the moment, feeling nothing but love and lust. My breathing hitches as he kisses my neck, and I bite down on my lip to prevent a moan from tumbling over them. He nips down on the sensitive skin before licking it softly. I know there is going to be a mark left there by tomorrow. That doesn't bother me, it's like confirmation that I am his. Wait... am I his?
“Vic,” I start as I pull back, “you wanted to ask me something earlier...” he raises his eyes to me, the confidence slipping from him to reveal his shy self to me once more.
“Oh, so, like, I...” He holds his breath and lets out a sigh, “Okay, so I was just wondering if this meant anything to you because I would like you to be my b-boyfriend again?”
I press my lips against his tenderly, “I would like that. A lot.”

I haven't really seen this side of Vic many times, and I want nothing more than to be in his arms, so I wrap my arms around his neck as kiss him again. His hands make their way to my waist as he pushes me back, onto the bed, me lying down with him on top. He straddles me, our lips connected in a rough, passionate kiss. A soft moan escapes my throat as he bites down on my bottom lip, teasing. As he rocks his lower half down panic rises at the lack of control I have. I need to sort that out.

So I flip us over, being the dominant one in control this time as I kiss him again, a smirk forming on his lips as I trail kisses down his jawline. “Why have you never done thi-” he's cut off by a sharp gasp. Yep, I can still find that important spot on his neck. I suck on it for a bit, nipping at the piece if flesh every now and again only to flick my tongue over it as a soothing movement. The sounds of his gasps and moans turning me on even more.

It isn't long before I pull at the hem of his shirt, bracing myself for the mark I had left there. “Off. Now.” I moan, trying to keep my voice down despite how desperate I was to do this. His eyes flash wide, as if preparing for me to launch myself across the room and run away like I did last time, but he does as I said. Maybe he likes me having control, hopefully it's as much of a turn on for him as it is for me. I lift his shirt, removing it from his body and throwing it to the floor before allowing my gaze to fall on the one thing I wanted to see. The deep, slightly purple scar, the runs along his chest. Although it may not exactly be 'long' it still takes up a good width of the left side of his chest. How could I ever do this to such a beautiful person? Tears brim my eeys as I look up to the deeo brown ones staring intently back at me. The mood has suddenly dropped and that's when I make my desicion.

I bit my lip as my eyes floated down the the scar and a single tear rolled off my cheek, landing upon it. With a shuddery breath I bowed my head, my lips brushing against the jaggered, raised skin, or scar tissue really.
“I'm sorry,” I whispered as I kissed it softly, making sure to kiss every centermeter of the mark I had left, “You're still beautiful.” I say, looking back up at him through tear brimmed eyes.

Neither of us moved for what seemed like forever. We were too emotional to even speak. Instead, I just let him hold me close as the tears slid down his face. They weren't sad tears though, although they were mixed with a lot of emotions. I hoped they were good though. As I wiped the last tear away he turned to me, pressing his lips against my forehead.
“Thank you,” he whispers against my skin and I snuggle in closer. My heart wants to never leave him, but I am so terrified of my head. Vic means a lot to me so there is an element of control that he holds over my emotions. Whatever is in my head hates that though. I know I will hurt him again at some point, but as of yet I might just be doing okay. Maybe I can mend more wounds than I create this time.

With a sense of self-doubt I shake the thoughts from my mind and allow myself this one night of pure bliss. One night to snuggle up with Vic, our arms wrapped protectively around one another. Matching Vic so he doesn't feel so self-conscious I ditch my shirt too, resting my head on his chest and my arm wrapped lazily over his waist. Tonight couldn't be more perfect, and we fall under the sense of calm that only sleep can bring you.