Your Inaccessible Light

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he shouts, stumbling after me into the house. Amber gets to her feet, clearly feeling uncomfortable. I give her an apologetic smile before opening the bathroom door and tearing open the bag, tipping the contents into the toilet. Ronnie surges forward and grabs me by the shoulder, spinning me round to face him.

“Fuck you! You owe me, fuck you!” he yells.

“Ronnie, shut the hell up or you’ll wake up my mum.”

“You’re lucky you’re a chick; otherwise I swear to god I’d hit you right now.” I swallow hard, his words making my knees turn to jelly. I take a couple of steps away from him, blinking back tears. I can’t appear weak. I have to stay strong. Ordinarily, I would have thrown him out of the house or maybe even punched him. After all, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve punched someone. I hate that as soon as drugs are involved I become weak and inferior. Panic completely takes control and I can’t think straight; I can’t do anything. For a second I am silent. I can’t speak. I can’t move. I can’t even make sense of all the nonsense Ronnie is rambling on about. I don’t do anything until I feel Amber at my side, gripping my hand tightly. She gives me a reassuring look and suddenly my brain kicks into gear.

“Ronnie, shut up,” I demand, my hand flying to his neck. I know for a fact that Ronnie is stronger than me, but I can’t control myself when I’m angry. I also know that even in this state of fear, my brain will work far quicker that Ronnie’s given how intoxicated he is.

“Why are you being such a bitch?” he asks. I feel my brain start to shut down, but I force it to continue.

“I’m not going to argue with you when you’re like this Ronnie. If you want someone who’s going to listen to your bullshit, you’ve come to the wrong place.” Ronnie tries to prise my hands away from his neck, but he’s so uncoordinated it’s almost laughable.

“Listen to me,” I demand, “Do you honestly have nowhere else to go?”

“No, Max is being a dick,” he tells me again.

“The only one being a dick here is you,” I mutter, tightening my grip on his neck, “If you want me to let you stay here you better stop behaving like an asshole and shut the hell up. Sit down.” I release my grip on his neck and he does as he’s told, murmuring profanities under his breath. I go into the kitchen and quickly pour him a glass of water before returning. I place the glass into his shaking hands and tell him to drink it. He hesitates but does as he’s told. The room is silent until Amber’s phone buzzes, making me jump.

“My mum’s here,” she tells me, reaching for her bag.

“Don’t move,” I say firmly to Ronnie before following Amber to the door. I step outside the house
with her for a second, pulling the door to so Ronnie can’t hear.

“I’m so sorry about that,” I say.

“It’s fine, don’t worry,” she assures, “Is he always like that?”

“No,” I explain, “You’ll quickly learn that Ronnie has many different sides. This side of him is less than pleasant. I can’t stand him when he’s like this.”

“I don’t blame you; he’s kind of scary. Are you gonna let him stay?”

“Yeah,” I admit.

“It’s official. You actually are a saint.”

“I’m really not. I just care about him. I don’t want him getting himself into trouble.”

“Are you gonna be okay though? I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“I’ll be fine,” I say in the most confident voice I can manage, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” We say our goodbyes and then I lock the front door before returning to the living room. Ronnie is now lying across the couch on his back, his breathing uneven and his eyes shut. I stand up on the couch, stepping over an incredibly sleepy Ronnie, and drop the keys into the vase on the shelf. Just as I turn to step down, I feel Ronnie’s hands on my legs. He pulls me down so that I’m straddling his waist. I feel my chest tighten in panic because I know this is a bad idea. I have never been close with a boy in that way and this is making me feel uncomfortable, not to mention the fact that he is drunk and high. I need to get out of this situation, and I need to do so quickly.

“What are you doing?” I ask, buying myself time while I think of a way out.

“You’re driving me nuts,” he whispers, his voice low and sensual. I feel him rest his hands on my
thighs, sending shivers down my spine

“How am I?” I cry, catching a glimpse of his incredibly attractive smirk. Even in this state he still gives me butterflies. I silently scold myself for being such a pushover. I’ve never let anyone have the power over me that he does. The worst part is, I don’t think Ronnie even knows how much of an effect he has on me. I hope I can keep it that way; I don’t want him using my weakness to his advantage.
Forcing my brain into action, I glance nervously around the room and notice that Ronnie has drunk all of the water. I remove myself from the unnerving situation, taking the glass from the coffee table and refilling it before going upstairs, making sure he follows.

“You make a sound and you’re out,” I tell him firmly.

“Fine,” he sighs, holding his hands up in defence. I open my bedroom door and switch on the light. He immediately collapses onto the bed. Picking up my pyjama shorts and t-shirt, I go into the bathroom across the hall to change and then return to see that Ronnie is already asleep.