If You Tell Me to Stay, I Will Stay Right Through

As we headed to our next destination, Zacky and I entertained ourselves by playing video games, comparing our playlists on our ipods and playing every board game you could think of.

We all were starving by the time the busses finally pulled over at a restaurant. Cheddar’s to be exact.

I was going to make sure and sit nowhere near Matt and his beloved Val.

As if reading my mind Zacky turned to me, “Don’t worry about them, I’ll make sure you don’t have to sit by him okay?”

I nodded and followed him into the restaurant.

“Natty!” I instantly heard when I walked in. Jimmy was beaming at me from a very large table that had been put together for all of the A7X crew. “You’re sitting here!” he motion between himself and Brian.

I smiled and took my seat between them while Zacky sat across from me.

Matt ended up sitting on the other side of Brian while Val sat next to him, which was good for me because I didn’t have to directly see both of them.

I leaned back in my chair and tried to relax but as I leaned back, Brian leaned forward to hear Zacky and Jason’s conversation, giving Matt and me a clear view of each other. I could see from the corner of my eye that he kept glancing at me and looking away.

He let out a loud sigh and leaned over behind Brian’s back and tapped my shoulder, which I completely ignored by leaning forward and resting my arms on the table.

“Natalie,” he said, his voice barely audible…but it sounded pained.

“So Johnny, what are you going to order?” I smiled forcefully and not looking towards Matt at all.

“I want this steak, but then I want this burger,” He contemplated, sitting on the other side of Zacky.

“Which one should I get?”

“Go with the steak…a steak actually sounds pretty good right now,” I said as I looked over my menu.

“Fuck that does sound good,” Jimmy agreed. “I’m getting it too!”

The waitress finally came and took all of our orders. Johnny and I ordered a long island tea. And we ended up ordering the same sides too. Mashed potatoes and broccoli-cheese casserole.

“What, are you guys twins now?” Zacky asked with a smirk.

“Shut up. So Nat, how do you like riding in the other bus?” Johnny asked.

“It’s great. The guys are all very nice and welcoming,” I smiled towards Jason.

“Hell yeah, it’s been fun so far. We’ve been playing every fucking game in the book,” Jason laughed.

“Well whatever, HOPEFULLY Natalie will be back with us soon,” Brian said loudly.

“Not while I’m here,” Val piped in, “There’s no room.” Everyone rolled their eyes or groaned.
Matt still hadn’t said a word.

“What’s wrong Shadz? You’ve been pretty quiet,” Jason pointed out.

“Just tired,” Matt mumbled.

“Or maybe you miss Natalie!” Jimmy yelled out, causing people to look over at our table. The guys all snickered while I gulped down my drink.

“Maybe I do,” he said lowly. My eyes shot up towards him. Brian had once again leaned forward, leaving Matt in clear view. He stared at me sadly. I just shrugged at him and looked away.

“Um what was that?” I heard Val ask him.

“Nothing Valary,” He muttered. I could hear her bicker back but I couldn’t make out what she said over Jimmy’s loud voice.

“Hey! I have an idea!” Jimmy exclaimed again.

“As long as it doesn’t get us kicked out of this restaurant Jimmy,” Brian muttered with a smile.

“It won’t. I say, since Shadz here is still a married man and isn’t getting a divorce like….ever. Let’s find Natalie a boyfriend,” Jimmy grinned. Now he was just pushing Matt’s buttons on purpose. Which
I didn’t think was such a good idea.

“Jimmy-“ I started to argue.

“Sh!” Brian covered my mouth. “Dude, what an excellent idea!” Brian was exaggerating his smile in order to annoy Matt more.

Everyone nodded except Zacky and Matt. I shook my head as I was about to start to argue again but, thankfully the waitress was back with our food.

Everyone was so hungry that no one said a word. We pretty much inhaled our food.

There was small conversation here and there as we waited for our check. I think everyone was just wanting to take a good ass nap.

I glanced quickly towards Matt, but he seemed to be in a quiet argument with Val.

One thing I didn’t want to do was come between Matt and his best friends. If this whole thing were to come up again I was going to need to make it clear that I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable.

“Alright everyone time to hit the road again,” I said standing up after I signed the check. I was also in charge of the band’s money, making sure they ate, laundry, hotels, etc.

They all groaned but followed my lead.

Matt’s POV
I was fucking fuming. It was hard to eat my food. I knew the guys were giving me tough love, but FUCK…they were just going too far.

I knew I had fucked up big time. There was no denying this. Val had shown up without letting me know and I felt like I had to be her husband, if that makes any sense.

She was here, and still my wife. I still cared about her but didn’t have the same feelings anymore. I just feel like I couldn’t turn my back on her like that.

I was so torn. I had done Natalie so wrong and I could see the hurt and anger in her eyes. I had to make this right again. I just had to. I was also so scared that the guys would find someone for her to be with. I couldn’t let that happen.

We all followed her out after she announced that it was time to go. Val clung to my arm as I watched Natalie get on the other bus.

That was another thing that I felt horrible about. Not only had I kicked her out of my house before, but now Val had kicked her off of our tour bus.

I watched as Zacky put his hand on her lower back and they shared a laugh. Jealously erupted through my veins at the way they interacted.

“Matt,” an angry voice said from beside me. “Stop staring at her.”

I looked down to find a very angry Val glaring at me.

“Listen, you know that you and I are not together. Get it through your head. The only reason this is even happening right now is because I have enough respect for you and won’t flaunt another girl in your face while we’re technically still married. So how about having enough respect for me? Go home, sign the papers and go back to the dude you cheated on me with,” I growled angrily.

Her eyes filled with tears as she took a step back, shoved me, and ran onto the bus. I noticed Johnny standing next to the bus door.

“Don’t let Natalie slip through your fingers man,” Johnny said as he put out his cigarette.

“You saw that?”

He nodded, “Sure did. You look miserable. You’re not yourself anymore.” He shook his head and headed onto the bus.

I sighed as I looked at the bus Natalie was on. God how I wished she was on ours.

My body felt heavy as I made my way up the small steps of the bus knowing that I wouldn’t be able to see her for the next few hours as we made our way to whatever state was next.

A couple of long hours later, I was ready to explode. Val’s crying made the whole bus ride awkward and I spent most of those hours in my bunk listening to music.

I could tell that Brian, Johnny, and Jimmy felt uncomfortable and that made me angry. My bandmates should never feel uncomfortable in their own bus.

“Shadz, we’re here,” Jimmy poked his head into my bunk.

I sighed, “Where would that be exactly?”

Jimmy shrugged, “Pennsylvania I think. Dude stop being all down and shit. You have total control of this situation and don’t even realize it. Come oonnn get up, we have an interview.”

I sighed and got up to change. I threw on a Metallica shirt and some black pants.

Everyone was waiting outside of the bus for me. I could hear everyone laughing before I even opened the door.

Val was standing to the side, I could tell she felt left out. She wasn’t used to the guys pushing her away. I felt bad, but I knew she deserved this.

I heard soft laughter and I whirled around to see Natalie leaning against the bus laughing at Jimmy’s dancing.

She was wearing a white v-neck tee that hugged her curves and showed just the right amount of cleavage paired with some denim shorts that showed off her tan legs.

Her hair flowed softly with the light breeze making her look carefree. It made me want to reach over and hug her and just put my face in her hair. My body almost felt achy as I made myself stay put.

“Alright, everyone ready?” She smiled.

“Yep!” Jimmy exclaimed joyfully. He was obviously happy to be off the bus. Everyone was. I had never seen these guys so happy to be doing an interview. Even Brian walked joyfully along with them. Usually he was just trudging along.

I followed behind them almost forgetting about Val until she called out my name, “Matt.”

I turned to face her, expecting a full on fight after what happened yesterday.

“I know you hate me right now. What I did to you was wrong. I should’ve never cheated and I’m sorry. Can’t I get a second chance?” She asked, her eyes still puffy from crying.

“No Val, I already told you. This relationship can’t be repaired anymore,” I said softly.

She sighed sadly, “I’ll give you your space for now. Maybe it will give you a chance to miss me or something, I don’t know. If not, I’ll sign the papers,” She said. She sounded tired and it made my heart ache.

I reached out and pulled her in for a hug. “You know you’ve been my best friend for a long time Val. I’ll never stop caring about you.”

She nodded and smiled softly, “I know. I have a flight to catch. Please don’t keep me in the dark though. If you completely want me out of your life, please let me know.” She released me from the hug and grabbed her suitcase, which I hadn’t even noticed was sitting on the ground. I looked at her confused. She was leaving?

A taxi pulled up to the curb. She waved as she walked over to it. I immediately walked up and grabbed her suitcase to help her.

“Always the gentleman,” She smiled.

I smiled back as she got into the car. “Bye Matt,” she said sadly and closed the door.

She was giving me time and I appreciated that, but I didn’t need it. I already knew what I wanted. But if this was going to make things easier then I was going to give her what she wanted.

I walked with my hands in my pockets towards the back entrance of venue.

Brian was waiting outside, “Everything okay?” He asked as I approached him.

“Val left,” I told him.

“Really?” He asked surprise. “I’m surprised she didn’t put on a longer fight.”

“Yeah, well it’s better that she didn’t,” I muttered.

“True, maybe things will get easier now,” he patted my back as we walked in.

“I hope so man.”

“Guys, come on we’re waiting for you,” Natalie popped her out of one of the rooms down the hallway.

We both hurried our pace, she stood to the side letting us walk in.

I sent her a small smile, which she didn’t return…and I didn’t blame her.

“I’m gonna go hang with Papa Roach while you guys do this interview,” Natalie announced, “Coby is gonna show me a new song!” She said excitedly and quickly exited the room.

Coby? She was calling him by his nickname now?

The interview began with the same fucking questions. This time though, everyone except me, was excited to answer. The guys had a lot of energy bottled up from being cooped up on the bus.

I kept staring at the door, hoping she would walk back in again.

“Dude, you’ll see her in a few,” Zacky muttered under his breath.

“No. She’s chilling with Coby,” I muttered back. Zacky shook his head disapprovingly.

The interview ended early, the dude had forgotten his list of questions which I was happy about.

I quickly shook his hand and made my way out in search of Natalie.

I heard her voice, a pitch higher than usual, and music coming from one of the dressing rooms.

Her and Coby were sitting a little too close together with huge fucking smiles on their faces as he showed her one of their new songs and explained each fucking lyric and shit.

“Yo Shadz!!” Jacoby greeted, motioning for me to come in. “Check out the new song bro.”

Not gonna lie, it was a good ass song.

I nodded my head to the music.

As it ended Natalie spoke up, “Wow! That was so good!” She gushed, her eyes filled with excitement.

“Thanks Nat! We’re releasing it soon. You’re one of the first to hear it!” He grinned at her.

He likes her. I know he does. By the way he looks at her. Then again, Jacoby has always been one of those happy dudes, making friends everywhere and shit.

Maybe I was looking into it too much.

“Really!? Omg that’s awesome!” She squealed excitedly. She was fucking cute. I could tell Jacoby thought the same thing, he had a pleased smile on his face and gazed at her with admiration.

HE FUCKING HE LIKES HER. He has to! I mean who wouldn’t?

He laughed and turned to me, “So is she taking good care of you guys?”

“Oh yeah, for sure. She’s been keeping us in check,” I joked, trying to hide my jealousy.

“Nice! You’re only temporarily their manager right? At least I think that’s what Zack said,” Jacoby asked looking back and forth at us for an answer.

“Yeah, the contract is only temporary,” She answered.

“Ahh well, when it ends and if you need a job you better call me. We could use a good tour manager like you to keep us in check,” he grinned.

Hell fucking no. That was never going to happen.

“For sure! Thanks Coby, I’ll definitely be giving you a call if I need a job,” She smiled. “Matt, how was the interview?”

She turned to me, her smile wasn’t as happy as before. She was talking to me though, and that made me happy. Even though I think she was only doing it so Jacoby wouldn’t notice anything.

“Same as always. Same fucking questions,” I complained.

“Fuck yeah, that shit gets annoying,” Jacoby agreed.

“Well at least it’s over with now,” She said.

“Yeah but we still have a shit load for the rest of the tour,” I said.

“Ahh true,” she smiled before standing up. “I’m gonna go check on the rest of the guys. Thanks for letting me listen Coby,” She grinned at him and headed out leaving me with him. As she left we began talking about the songwriting and I temporarily forgot about my suspicions.

Not long after, Jacoby needed to go to his sound check and I went looking for the guys.

I found them all lounging around in our dressing room, everyone except Natalie.

“She’s at the bus,” Zacky said before I could even ask. I nodded and head out towards the busses.

My heart thumped wildly against my chest as I got closer to the bus. This would be the first time we would be alone since the tour started.

I walked in, closing the door behind me. She was sitting with her back to me in the kitchenette area, and was busy typing away on her laptop.

“Did you ask the guys what they want to eat Zee?” she asked, obviously thinking it was Zacky who had walked in.

“He’s still in the dressing room,” I said softly.

She whirled around, her eyes wide with surprise.

“Oh,” she said slowly turning back to her laptop and tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. I could tell she felt awkward.

“Can we talk?” I asked taking a seat across from her.

“I feel like there’s really nothing for us to talk about. Everything is pretty much out on the table,” she said, her brown eyes peering at me over her laptop.

“No. No, it’s not. Please don’t make this more difficult than it already is Natalie,” I pleaded.

“Fine. What do you want to say?” She swiftly closed her laptop and gave me her full attention. She folded her arms in front of her on the table and waited.

“I want to say that I’m sorry. I’m stupid and don’t know how to handle shit,” I began, “I handled this completely wrong. I still care about Val and felt like I was obligated to not turn my back on her while she was here because technically she is still my wife and I still owe her some respect. Instead, that made her think I still wanted to be with her. It was awkward and I didn’t know what to do,” I said running a hand over my hair.

“Oh so it wasn’t just a piece of paper then huh?” She asked slightly tilting her head, her pink lips pursed tightly. She got me there. I had said before it was just a piece of paper.

“Yes it was still just a piece of paper, only I handled it the wrong way. I get where you’re coming from. I turned my back on you and it was the stupidest thing I could ever do. I’m really sorry Natalie. I keep fucking up,” I scanned her face for any reaction but I couldn’t make anything out of it.

“I don’t know what to tell you. First, you wrongly accuse me and kick me out of your house. Then, you finally manage to convince me to give you a chance, THEN you turn right around and pretty much do the same thing. What is it that you want me to do now? Give you another chance?” she questioned with a glare.

“I know I don’t deserve one Natalie. I know okay? If you were in my shoes you would understand but you fucking don’t. I was with this person most of my life. She was my best friend! She cheated on me and lied to me about a lot of things. I know you don’t think I owe her anything but I do. She believed in me and in this band when no one else did. I don’t love her like I used to, but I still care for her and respect her. And no that doesn’t mean she’s going to still be in my life,” My anger started to get the best of me. I was frustrated.

“Okay, she deserves respect. And what do I deserve? I get to take the punches because I haven’t been around as long right? I don’t deserve respect. I guess now you’ve got to know a person their whole life in order to respect them,” she started standing up.

“No no no, wait. Please,” I grabbed her arm gently. “that’s not true. You deserve respect. Like I said, I’ve just never been in a situation like this before. I didn’t know how to handle it. Please try to understand me Natalie,” my voice was coming out like a fucking whimper. I sounded like a little bitch right now but I didn’t care.

Her eyes slightly softened but I could tell she wasn’t going to give in.

“I’m trying to understand you. You also need to understand me. You put me in some shitty situations. I don’t want that anymore. I feel like the most you and I can be is friends,” she said softly, her eyes brimmed with tears.

My heart sank to my knees. I felt desperation take over me. I wanted to beg and plead.

“Natalie, please don’t do this,” my voice quivered. I swallowed the knot that had formed in my throat. I had never had such a feeling overcome me this way. I felt so vulnerable and weak.

“I’m sorry, but under these circumstances and just everything that’s going on, it’s better this way,” she said firmly, even though her voice threatened to give out.

“But-I…I fucking love you,” I found myself saying. Her eyes widened and I felt mine involuntarily widen as well.

“Matt you don’t know what you’re saying-“ she shook her head, she opened her mouth again to say something but closed it again and just kept shaking her head.

But I did know. I didn’t know how it happened, when it happened, or how…but I knew I was in love with her. Was I crazy? Was it possible to fall in love with someone this fast?

“I do know Natalie. You don’t have to say it back or feel that way for me, but I just want you to know that I do,” I grabbed her hand from across the table and kissed it.

“You’re using this to make your way back in. You can’t do that. It’s not fair. You can’t just throw those words around. Once again you’re only thinking about yourself,” she said angrily as tears flowed down her cheeks. She jerked her hand out of my grasp and walked out of the bus, leaving me hurt and torn.

She was wrong. I could understand why she thought that, but it wasn’t true. One thing I did know…she was never again going to give me a chance.