When I Looked at Her, I Thought of Only You.

I had spent my whole weekend crying over Vic, I missed him so much even though he was never actually mine to miss.

"Feelings are so fucked up." I sighed and slid down the dinner chair I was seated at next to Jack, I've gotten a lot closer to him and my father over the past two days. I actually like seeing my dad like this, he's always so giggly and happy. I just wish I could feel the same though, how's it fair that everything life has thrown my way, I'm the one that's ended up alone and sad, again.

A hand waving in front of my face brought me back to earth, I hadn't even realised I'd zoned out.

"Kellin, are you okay?" I heard my dads worried voice come from behind me.
I nodded my head but I seen Jack shoot my dad a worried look.
"Have you taken your pills today?" Jack asked.
"Yeah." I nodded with a sigh. I really didn't want to talk about all of this. I was being stupid, I knew that. Its not normal to feel this shitty over a guy.

"Kellin, I've had enough of this. All you've done since Friday is mope around the house and we've both heard you crying at night. Son, I know your going through a rough time, but please don't shut me out." My dad started off sounding tough but in the end he genuinely sounded like he was pleading with me to tell him.

"I know, its just complicated." I had my hands balled up into fists.
"We have all the time in the world to listen to you." My dads reply was quick, as if he was waiting on me saying that.

"I can leave you two alone if you don't feel comfortable talking about it with me." Jack said from my side.

"No, its okay. Its just.. A guy," I looked down and sighed again, "I thought he cared about me, you know? But he told me to stay away from him and everyone else. I don't know what's going on, but I guess my feelings where deeper than I'd first thought. Cause this hurts." I said, trying not to cry again.

"It'll be okay Kellin, everything works out the way its supposed to in the end. If you like him a lot, just don't give up. But, if you're ever feeling down write your feelings onto paper, or somewhere and make something out of it, a song or a poem maybe?" Jack said, thoughtfully.

"Yeah, Kells. Jacks right, everything does work out the way its supposed too. We only get given what we can handle in life, and from what I've seen. You can handle anything that comes your way. I'm so proud of you, son." My dad said, taking me by surprise. He's never one told me he was proud of me.

I nodded and excused myself from the table and headed upstairs. I found my old notebook that still had a few black pages in it and decided to give Jacks advice a try, who knows this could actually be fun.

After a few hours writing and playing about with what I had, I finally decided to sing what I already had to see how it sounded.

"Don’t wake me up if I’m sleeping this life away
They tell me that I’ll never be good enough
Sometimes it hurts to think it could really be that way
It won’t be that way

I’m tired and I’m lost
I don’t want to be found
I put my heart and my soul
And strength in this now

So forgive me ‘cause I won’t forget that
Yeah, this world has changed me
So you know when you ask me

Who are you now?
Did you say what you want?
Don’t go back to the start
I’m asking, who are you now?
Did they break you apart?
Won’t you fight back for what you want?

Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly
We’re gonna work it out."

I was actually quite surprised at how good it sounded, my voice wasn't fantastic but I could at least carry a tune.
I heard clapping from behind me and I turned embarrassed to see the smiling faces of my dad, Jack, Mikey and Tony.
I hadn't even heard the door go.

"That was fantastic Kells! I didn't know you could sing, you're really talented!" Mike beamed and came running over to me and pulled me into a bear hug.

I thanked him as my dad and Jack left us,
"What are you guys doing here anyway?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"We came to see how you where doing, we heard about Vic and Tay getting back together and that sucks bro. I just don't understand it, I mean Vic said he-" Mike was cut off when Tony shot him a warning look.

I ignored it though, I wanted to know what Vic had said to him.

"Vic said what, Mikey?" I pushed.
Tony sighed at Mike's side, "he said he thinks he's falling for you."

"What?" That was all I could choke out.
They both just nodded at me, two pairs of sad and confused eyes looking at me as they did.

"But, why would he get back with Taylor if he - oh my god, this is about his stupid fucking reputation isn't it?!" I was beyond angry now, how fucking dare he.

"Its more complicated than that Kellin. Just, please don't give up on him. No matter what he does, he does actually care about you, a lot." Mikey sounded strained, like he wasn't telling me the full story.

"Don't give up on him? Why should I not? He was the one that gave up on me!" I was about to explode. Anger was coursing through me now.

"I'm tired, I think it would be best if yous left." I said, trying to sound as if I wasn't about to fall apart.

They both just nodded again this time with sympathetic eyes and left.

~~

I spend all night tossing and turning, Mikey's words echoed in my head "just don't give up on him."
It was Mike's fault I was feeling this crappy, if he hadn't told me to at least have one conversation with Vic then I wouldn't be crying my eyes out every night.

No, fuck this. I'm so done with everyone.