Terrible Love

The National was blaring through quiet air that filled my bedroom. All of the lights in the house were off except the little lamp I had hanging over my drafting table. As the yellow light flooded the large sheet of paper before me, illuminating the lead lines before me, I leaned back in my chair and looked up at the ceiling. Eyes getting lost in the wide black abyss hanging over the other half of the room, my lips parted allowing all of the air in my lungs to escape me.

Prior to Jon’s visit, this was pretty much every week night. I would spend the day making phone calls, shopping around for new pattern books, and finding inspirational pictures on the internet. If I wasn’t making books of inspirations for different sized houses and different tastes, I was sitting at my table, all of the lights off, letting ideas for homes and buildings flood the wide paper.

Sure, to some it may seem sad, pathetic even, but this was what I loved. I loved being able to dig into my brain and draw something that turned into a legitimate three dimensional living space for someone. I loved picking paint colors and matching hardwood floor stains. I loved being the owner of a space I created with a pencil and thin sheet of paper.

I loved what I did, and Jon made me forget about that. When he was here, all I could think about was him, all I could do was sit around with him and listen to his bullshit. I stopped drawing for him. I stopped inspiring myself for him. When I realized this, when I realized that his staying for those weeks over turned everything I had worked hard for, I resented him more than I ever thought possible.

The phone calls and text messages went unanswered. Questions that came from other players on the team were ignored, and whenever Abby would call me and ask me if I was okay, I answered truthfully.

I was fine.

In the absence of Jon, I thought he would rule my life again. I thought I would think everything over, I thought I would fall into a deep depression thinking about why he did what he did, or why I didn’t try harder.

But I never did.

I shouldn’t have ever thought that I could replace someone like Laura. I shouldn’t have grasped onto the small shimmer of hope that maybe Jon did get over a failed relationship and potential marriage that quickly. It was right of me to allow him to pull me in like that. It wasn’t right for emotions to be played with like that during such a delicate time. We were both in the wrong, and I accepted and understood that.

There was no way he could stop loving Laura that quickly; I knew that, but I never let that knowledge control my actions like I should have. I should have went with my gut instead of relying on everyone to try to push him and I together. I knew it was a bad time, I knew it wasn’t going to end in flowers and sunshine.

I knew it.

The soft hum of my cell phone vibrating broke through my thoughts. Blinking hard, I looked down and noticed the familiar Chicago area code. Twitching my nose, I watched the screen flash the same number a few times until the vibrating stopped. Giving the person a few seconds, I grabbed the phone just in time to watch a small popup fill my screen letting me know that I had one new voicemail.

I didn’t really want to listen to it. I wasn’t sure what guys were at home for the last stretch of the summer of visiting their families. I didn’t know who was in Chicago and I honestly didn’t feel like getting twenty questions about what had happened over the last two months or so.

It was a mess, a novella kind of mess that you watch at three-thirty in the afternoon on your day off. Unnecessary, unrealistic, over-the-top drama that you never think can actually happen in real life. Then when it does, it just makes the whole ‘being alive’ experience so much more mysterious.

My thumbs worked independently from my mind. Navigating trough the screen, I found myself playing the message on speaker as I set my forehead down against the edge of my desk and zeroed in on the floor beneath my feet.

Hey Aspen, it’s Kris. I felt my heart pop in my chest. ”I heard what happened, from Shaw who heard it from Kane who got the severely edited version form Jon when he got home, which is probably so wrong and untrue, but, yeah. I’m not sure what happened, but I just wanted to call and make sure you were okay. I know how close you two were, so I just wanted to offer out the shoulder. Anyway, I hope I see you next week, Sharp’s having some big BBQ since most of the team had tickets to Winnipeg for the wedding that we couldn’t return. Okay so yeah, talk to you soon, bye Aspen.”

Chills ran up and down my spine as the room fell back into it’s eerie silence.

It had been two weeks since I kicked Jon out of the house. In those two weeks, I dove back into my work, and had no idea that his ex-wedding date was that close. A few times late at night I thought about things like this, I thought about what all of the guests would do with their presents. I wondered how much money Jon got back from the flowers and the table cloths. I thought about Laura trying on her wedding dress with the realization that she wasn’t going to be walking down the aisle with Jon. I wondered if his parents knew.

I wondered if he told his mom why he had to live there until he got a plane ticket home. I wondered why my parents hadn’t mentioned it.

I wondered why I cared so much.

Breaking my thoughts, I went to start back on my drafting when my cell phone buzzed again. Rolling my eyes, I grabbed it and watched as ‘Abby Sharp’ appeared on the screen. Slightly hesitating, I let out a deep sigh and then picked up my mechanical pencil, tilting my chair back again and letting my eyes wander around the dark ceiling as the other end of the phone let through some static before her voice.


“Aspen, hey.”


“Hi, Abby what’s up?” Popping the p, I hoped that she avoided the normal series of questions she asked when speaking to me, and to my delight, she cut those out and went right to the real reason she called.

“So Pat and I are throwing this massive BBQ next week and you need to be here.” She let out a small laugh which I joined in on and then quieted down, “But really, I need you here.”


“Of course I’ll be there, Abs.”


“What a fucking relief.” I could just picture her sitting at the island in the kitchen sipping on a large glass of red wine. “There are going to be so many people here, and some of the guys are bringing wives and children and I love parties, and I love being a host, but some of these people I’d rather burn alive than speak too.” When she finished speaking, I couldn’t help but to let out a loud laugh and then shake my head, letting her laughter fill my head.

We spoke a little about the other women going, she told me who to talk to and then told me I would know exactly who to stay away from. When the gossiping quieted down, I started to nibble on my bottom lip as I thought about who exactly was going, and by who, I mean Jon.

As the silence ate up the conversation, I could almost feel the tension coming through her end of the phone. Just by the way her soft sigh came through the phone, I knew what she was going to say. I knew she was going to beg me to come and beg me to ignore him. I knew she needed me, and making up some excuse to not go wasn’t an option. I may have resented Jon with every atom that made up my body, but that still wasn’t enough to abandon Abby like this. If she needed me there, I would be there, even if I had to deal with high levels of anxiety and a sick stomach the whole time.

“I don’t care if he’s there, Abs, I’ll be there.”



Two days before the BBQ at Sharp’s house, I decided on calling Kris back. I knew it wasn’t the best idea, I knew he always had this bizarre crush on me, but the thought of being left alone in the sea of people gave my anxiety a new reason to choke me. Abby said she needed me there, that she needed the help, but I had been in this situation before, and as soon as the help was over, Patrick would snatch up his wife, or the kids would grab her attention and I would be thrown to the wolves.

So I decided, after a full day of thinking about it over wine and creating inspiration binders, that I would ask Kris if he wanted to go to the BBQ together. A small part of me felt bad about it, because I knew I was using him to combat my anxiety, I knew that this was giving him some false hope about everything between us.

I mean, I wasn’t really using him. I did like talking to him. I liked the way he covered his face when he knew he was being awkward and the way he looked at me, like I was some diamond covered in dust, so eager to just dig a little deeper to see the rest.

The loud buzz of my doorbell stunned me for a moment. Blinking a few times, I shook my head and felt my brain spiral back into reality. Rubbing the back of my neck, I shot up from the chair facing my drafting table, and then turned to the door of my bedroom, the flannel shirt I had on slipping down my shoulders.

Adjusting the thin fabric, I ran my hand through my hair and then quickly left the room and jogged through the house until I was standing in front of the front door, my cell phone in my back pocket, my wallet in my left hand, and my keys hanging from the belt loop of my severely ripped up black jeans.

Sucking in a deep breath, I shut my eyes and exhaled as I grabbed the doorknob and took a step back, moving the large pane of wood from between whoever was on the other side of the door and I. Trying to keep my anxiety levels low, I looked up and watched as the blonde quickly looked up from his feet and locked his bright blue eyes on mine.

“Aspen, hey.” Kris took a small step toward me and opened his arms up, his right hand holding onto the keys of his rental car. Whispering a greeting, I wrapped my arms around Kris’ torso and felt the heat radiate off of his body and into mine. Inhaling slowly, the heavy scent of his cologne rushed my senses, leaving a small smile on my lips as we pulled away.

Running a hand through my hair, I took a step closer to him and then closed the front door behind me. Making sure it was locked, I looked back up at the blonde and watched as he nervously rubbed the back of his right arm as he took a step down the walk way and paused, watching me closely as I made my way next to him.


“They gave me a Volvo.” Kris held the key to the car up and shrugged one shoulder. “Sorry.”


“We can take mine, I’ll let you drive it.” I blurted out, my heart racing as Kris sent me a cheeky smile and tilted his head to the side. “It’s an Audi, is that more your taste?”


“Depends what kind we’re talking.” Kris sent me a heart-melting smirk as he leaned into me a little and watched as I held up my keys and held them out to him.

Leading him over to the garage, I opened the flap on the side and typed in the four digit code to open the large door. As it rolled up, I sucked in a deep breath and turned to Kris, the smell of his cologne and the smile on his face combining to make my knees shake from the nerves under my skin. “Audi R7, think you can handle it?”


“Babe, I was made for this kind of machinery.”

My heart fluttered as Kris and I looked at each other and started laughing, our eyes squinting as smiles forced their way onto our lips. Leaning back, I slapped my hand against my forehead and watched as Kris shuffled over to the drivers side door, keeping a hand on his stomach as he kept laughing at his words.

Walking over to the passengers side door, I looked up at the blonde and watched as he opened the door and looked over at me, his eyes sincere as he jerked his thumb toward the inside and nodded a little.

“You positive I can drive? You sure? I mean I don’t mind.”


“Shit Kris, if you don’t wanna I’ll drive, I don’t mind.”


“No, it’s fine, yes.” The blonde said quickly and then got into the car and ran his hands over the leather steering wheel. Pressing his foot against the break pedal, he hit the start engine button and shut his eyes as the engine roared to life. Shutting the door, he waited until I got into the car and pulled the seatbelt across my chest until he put the car in reverse and turned to me, his muscular arm swinging over the back of my seat. “I’m going to have to get one of these.”


“Stealing my swag, Versteeg?”


“You know it, babe.” He hummed and then looked away from me and swiftly backed the car out of the garage and down the driveway. As he swung it into the street, he shifted into drive and then glanced over at me. “You know how to get there, or should I punch it in the navigation?”


Shaking my head, I told him I could navigate us there, and then watched as he moved the seat back and quickly adjusted the mirrors. Once it was good, he pushed himself back into the seat, held the steering wheel with his left hand and then rested his knee against the door.

“You drive like such a dude.” I huffed and glanced over at him, watching as his blue eyes snapped to mine when he stopped the car at the end of the block. Looking over at me, he smiled, showing all of his bright white teeth, and then shook his head, making sure no cars were coming before he headed down the next block.


“You’re one in a million, Aspen.”

Shrugging one of my shoulders, I felt blood rush to my cheeks as I smiled over at Kris and watched as he smiled back before gluing his eyes back onto the road. When we had finally hit the long stretch of highway, we started talking about whatever topic slipped from between the blonde’s teeth. He asked about my parents, the college I went to, and my job. When I geeked out and got into the specifics of why I loved designing buildings so much, instead of rolling his eyes and nodding along, he kept asking questions, like he was actually interested in what i had to say, like he actually cared.

Through all of our conversations, I kept my cell phone in my lap. When I had told Abby I asked Kris if he wanted to attend the BBQ with me when I had finally answered his voicemail, she nearly screamed at me over the phone, shocked and proud that I was ‘getting back in the game’ so soon after Jon. I disagreed with her, telling her I just wanted to have someone with me during the ride, but she was convinced that I was acting on subconscious needs and wants.

When we had finally reached the Sharp’s house, Kris pulled the car up behind a Mercedes SUV and killed the engine. Turning to me, he grabbed my hand and then brought his bright eyes to mine. Blood rushing to my cheeks, I looked over at Kris and went to speak when he ran his thumb over my knuckles and parted his lips.

“I know I was probably a fill-in for Jon, and I know that this isn’t going to develop into anything, I just wanted to let you know before you get sucked up by all of the other guys at the party that I’m happy I got to spend some time with you like this and you look gorgeous.”

Heart racing in my chest as I kept looking into Kris’ eyes, I parted my lips and let out a nervous laugh. Shaking my head, I looked down at our hands and sucked in a deep breath. “I’m in a flannel and a tank top.”

“You don’t have to be in a dress to look gorgeous.”


“Kris, this is too much.” I shook my head and watched as the blonde pulled his hand from mine and ran it down his leg and set it down on his knee. “I mean, I really appreciated the call and since you were going to be here anyway I just thought we could go together, you were my date to Jon’s wedding, anyway, so-“

The man sitting in the driver’s seat leaned over to me and silenced my words as his lips pressed against my own. Body stiffening from the impact, it took a few seconds until I melted into the kiss and felt Kris’ hand slip back onto mine. Spreading my fingers apart, I felt Kris slip his fingers between mine as he used his free hand to hold the back of my head lightly as he applied a little more pressure into the kiss before pulling away and pressing his forehead against my own.

As the shock of what happened started to fall over us, I let out a short laugh and looked up into his eyes. “Was that supposed to make up for that horrible kiss after you won the Stanley Cup?”

“I had something better planned for that.” Kris blushed as he pulled his face away and then ran his hand through his blonde hair and looked over at the huge house down the walk way. “I’m sorry about this too.”



“Don’t be,” I breathed, the burning sensation of his lips on mine still making all of the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. Swallowing hard, I motioned for us to head over to the house. When Kris nodded along with me, we both exited the car and as we met at the start of the walkway to the front door, Kris handed my keys back to me and gave me a small smile while he apologized for what he had done again.

Rolling my eyes, I tried to play if off like my mind wasn’t racing as he rested his hand on the small of my back and walked us down the trail and over to the front door. Hitting his knuckles against it a few times, we both took a step back and then watched as the door opened and Abby appeared, her eyes widening as she noticed Kris’ hand trailing around me and disappearing behind my back.

Jaw dropping, Abby quickly pulled Kris into a hug and then turned to me, her eyes wide and lips pulled into a huge smile as she mouthed ‘What aren’t you telling me?’ in my direction as I ran a hand through my hair and then pointed from Kris to my lips. After a few seconds, Abby pulled away from Kris and turned to me, her eyes wild with confusion as she pointed to her lips and then peered over at the blonde who was now talking to Patrick Sharp. As the two men disappeared into the house, Abby grabbed my shoulders and kissed both of my cheeks before pulling the front door shut.


“What the fuck?” She screamed, causing my cheeks to burn red as I shushed her and then placed my hand over her mouth.


“In the car, like five minutes ago.” I breathed, my body shaking as the realization started to wash over me.


“What!” Abby screamed again as she shook my body a few times before she quickly opened the front door, grabbed my hand, and dragged me into the house. Shutting the door behind me, I went to speak when I looked up and locked my eyes onto the brunette standing in the middle of the living room, a beer bottle in his hand and a smile on his lips as he talked to Patrick Kane who had his back facing me.

Swallowing hard, I went to tear my eyes away from him when Kris appeared next to me. As his cologne filled my senses, I gained the courage to look away from Jon and then smiled up at the blonde as he handed me a water bottle and untwisted the cap for me. “I know you’re not a drinker.” He sent me a smile as he pulled the cap from his own water bottle and then placed his free hand on the small of my back.

The second he did that, a loud thud sounded through the house followed by a string of curse words. Jerking my head to the side, I watched as Jon dropped to his knees and quickly started to pick up the shattered glass from his beer bottle. Hands shaking, he piled the glass in his hands and then looked up, his eyes falling on me again. As soon as they hit my eyes, they dropped to Kris’ hand and then back to the floor, a deep red surfacing on his cheeks as he focused back on trying to find all of the glass on the floor.

“Good job you dumb shit.” Sharp laughed as he walked onto the scene with a roll of paper towel. Kneeling down in front of Jon, he glanced over at me as he pulled a long string of paper from the roll.

“Aspen, Abby needs some help in the kitchen before she starts chugging wine, is that okay?“


“That’s my job.” I hurriedly replied and then sent Kris a small smile as I excused myself and took off toward the kitchen, my heart racing as the skin on the middle of my lower back started to burn, making my whole body feel like it was being engulfed in flames in a matter of seconds.

Meeting Abby in the kitchen, I rolled up my sleeves and pulled my pin straight hair into a messy bun as I started helping her fix appetizers. Humming along to the song she had playing on the radio, we shared a few words about what had happened in the living room and then between Kris and I in the car. After I had finished a plate and handed it off to her, she grabbed the tray and then turned to me, her lips pulled into a soft smile.


“Aspen, I really want you to be happy with someone.”

“Yeah.” I shrugged one shoulder as I dropped my eyes from her and started layering the crackers she had bought into rows on the next tray on the counter. “I like Kris. I have no intentions of anything like that.”


“Maybe you should.” Abby sighed. As I glanced over at her, I shook my head and focused back on the crackers as my limbs started to shake.


“Last time I did, it didn’t work out that well.”


“He’s an idiot.”


“Sure.” I breathed and then quickly moved across the kitchen and opened a few cabinets until I found the other boxes of crackers. Ripping the box open, I took a few deep breaths until my mind cleared and the shake that had started in my fingers slowed. Fiddling with the box, I waited until Abby left the kitchen before I turned around and rested my back against the counter, the shake in my limbs starting full force as I thought about the way Jon looked at me when I walked in, the way his eyes glazed over when he saw Kris’ hand on my back, the way his cheeks gained a shade of red that I have never seen on his face before.

Pressing my hands against my eyes, I started to regret my decision to saying yes to Abby. I told myself I was stronger than this, that I was now magically impervious to Jon’s being and what had happened between us, but seeing him now after everything pulled at my heart strings just as roughly as when I walked on him and Laura half naked in my guest room.

Sour taste in my mouth, I grabbed the box of crackers and went to throw it across the kitchen when a large hand quickly grabbed my wrist. Gasping, I spun around and felt every cell in my body go numb as my eyes locked onto him.


“Versteeg?”


I couldn’t speak as I felt his fingers loosen on my wrist. Breathing uneven, I tried to drop my eyes form his, but couldn’t muster up the courage to break our gaze. Rolling my bottom lip between my teeth, I nodded my head and watched as the storm in the brown eyes in front of me worsened.


“Is this some bull-shit revenge, Aspen? Are you going to go around and try to fuck all of my teammates now?” The venom in his words plunged into my body like knives and instantly made my whole body sick.

A wave of emotions crashed over me as the room spun in my head. Before I could stop myself, I felt the palm of my hand connect with the side of Jon’s face. As the loud smack echoed through the silent kitchen, I let my body fall back against the edge of the counter. I was shaking as I watched Jon turn toward me, his eyes wide as his large hand rubbed the side of his face. Just as he was about to speak, I heard Abby clear he throat from the doorway.

Breaking the stare with Jon, I quickly pushed myself off of the counter and pressed my hand against my mouth. Tears rushing down my face, I headed past Abby, whimpering a small ‘sorry’, as I jogged down the hallway away from the party and stumbled into the bathroom at the end of the hall. Pushing my thumb against the lock button, I slammed my forehead down against the white door and shut my eyes, letting the tears flow freely down my cheeks.

My false confidence couldn’t stand up to him.

I wanted to believe that I was over this, I wanted to believe that what had happened was good. I wanted to believe that I loved my work and being alone more than every other thing in the world. I knew falling in love with Jon like this was bad. I knew I was his rebound, I knew there was still something between him and Laura, but it didn’t matter.

Jon put hope in my heart, then viciously tore it out.

Even after two weeks, the wound was still wide open and hearing him talk to me like that just added more salt into it.