Devil, yet an Angel

Jack's P.O.V.

That's not how things were supposed to go. That is not what was supposed to happen. I didn't want this. That night was about me asking Alex to be my boyfriend, it was supposed to be him and me, us. There were no places for Mr. Zack in the background. That night wasn't about him. He wasn't supposed to show up at our door. He wasn't supposed to ruin everything.

Nothing went as planned. If it wasn't for Zack, Alex would probably be my boyfriend by now. We would have fallen asleep together like we always did, happier than ever. He would have kissed me tenderly and he would have wrapped his arms around me. It would have been magical, it would have been perfect. But it wasn't how things went.

I didn't catch any sleep that night. I could not stop crying, everything inside of me hurt so much. Alex caused me such a big amount of sadness, probably the biggest one I have ever felt in years. Crazy as it sounds, I felt more pain learning Alex went back to his ex than when I learned that my very own brother took his life away.

I trusted Alex with everything that I had in me. I should have known that he would still be a jerk. People can't change. I should have known that he didn't care about me. I should not have let him be a part of my life.

Hearing him say that he went back to Zack felt like I was being stabbed by thousands of sharp knives. His words were painful, the truth broke my already fragile heart.

I knew I couldn't compete against Zack, but a part of me still believed that Alex would come back to me. A part of me trusted Alex to like me back. A part of me wished he wouldn't have gone back to his ex who caused him pain. I wanted him to be mine.

I hate him for making me believe all those stupid things. I hate him for telling me all those sweet words when he didn't mean a single one of them. I hate him for making me feel such amazing things when we were kissing or cuddling because he didn't feel them the way I did. I hate him for lying to me. I hate him for so many things.

Most of all, I hate him for making me like him as much as I do. I hate his beautiful smile that makes me melt every single time he wears it on his beautiful face. I hate his eyes that used to comfort me and make me feel better. I hate his contagious laugh that makes him so adorable. I hate his lips and his hands who have this special hability to drive me crazy and make my entire body feel amazing.

I'm so stupid. If I haven't forgiven him for being a jerk in the first place, none of this would have happened. I would not feel empty, I would not be angry and most of all, I would not feel depressed and jealous at the idea that another boy has this special place in Alex's heart that I would die for.

I would have given everything just to be his boyfriend. I would have done all it takes to wake up with him by my side every morning. I would have made my best to make him happy every day of his life. I would do everything for Alex Gaskarth while he wouldn't do anything for me. Who woul want to do anything for the pathetic Jack Barakat anyway?

I fell for him hard, but he didn't catch me as I was falling. Why did he have to make me fall if he never had the intention to catch me? Did I deserve it? Am I such a bad person that life can't let me be happy?

I didn't know what time it was when I heard a knock at my door.

''Jack, can we talk please?'' Alex asked from the other side of the door.

I wanted to ignore him, but I would need to face him anytime. We are roommates and we have classes together, I can't ignore him forever.

I stood up from my bed and went to unlock the door. As soon as I saw Alex's face, I started crying again. Just seeing him hurt me more than anything. But we had to talk, it needed to be done. The sooner, the better.

I moved away from the door and sat on the edge of my bed. Alex closed the door behind him and sat next to me. We didn't talk at first. We were just looking at each other. He brought his hand to my face to chase the tears away, but I pushed him away. Even though I craved for his touch, it would only make things worst.

Alex was wearing a sad and tired expression. Why was he sad? I'm the one who's been hurt, not him. He made a choice for his own happiness, not mine. He went back to Zack because that's was the best thing to do at his eyes.

A few minutes later, Alex finally broke the akward silence.

''I'm sorry,'' Alex said quietly. ''I'm so sorry, Jack.''

''Don't. Don't say you're freaking s-sorry Alex. I know you're not,'' I replied.

''But I truly am sorry...'' Alex said.

''Sorry for what exactly? Sorry that your a freaking jerk who hurt me?'' I asked. I was no longer sad, I was mad.

''Yes. I'm sorry that I hurt you Jack. I didn't know that you were that attached to me. I didn't know that it would cause you so much pain. And I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, I care too much about you. It hurts me to see you hurt,'' Alex answered.

''You're pathetic, Alex. Don't you remember the things I told before your stupid boyfriend showed up? Don't you remember how happy I was to be with you? Don't you remember me who was about to ask you to be my boyfriend? I clearly remember all those things, Alex. I thought you liked me, Alex. You freaking lied to me. All of this was just a lie,'' I said as I started to cry again. ''And most of all, don't you remember you saying to me that you needed me in your life and that you wanted to start something new with me?''

''You wanted me to be your boyfriend?'' He asked sadly.

''Yes, yes I did. Unlike you, I was sincere when I said that I liked you a lot and that I wanted to be with you,'' I answered.

''If I had known...'' Alex said sadly.

''Oh spare it, Alex,'' I replied. ''Don't pretend that you wouldn't have gone back to Zack even though you have known my intentions.''

''I swear, Jack. I swear I wouldn't have gone back to him, I swear I would have chosen you. I-I did a big mistake last night by going back to Zack. I realized it when I was laying in bed with him. All I could think about was you. All I could think about was that he wasn't you, and that I needed you...That's why I told him I couldn't be with him earlier this morning...because I want you.'' Alex said.

He went to press his lips on mine, but I pushed him away. His eyes told me he didn't what was happening. Maybe he'll know how it feels to be rejected now.

Did he really think that I would go back to him just like that? Did he really think that by telling he broke up with Zack would make happy again and that I would forget about everything that he did? A part of me was happy, but Alex still broke my trust. He hurt me when I was certain he wouldn't. I could not let him win like that. I couldn't let him use me and I couldn't stand being a second choice.

''That's a shame, Alex because I don't want to be with you anymore...'' I replied.

''Why? You said that you wanted to be my boyfriend and that you liked me. I don't understand,'' Alex said sadly.

''I still like you, Alex. But I also hate you. If you truly care about me, prove it. Because I don't trust you anymore. If you want to be with me, prove that you deserve a second chance,'' I replied.

''How?'' He asked. ''How can I make it up to you?''

''That is up to you to find out, Alex,'' I answered. ''If you truly want to be with me, you will find something. Until then, I'm going to stay at Rian's appartment. His roommate is gone for a month and I prefer staying with him than staying with you right now...''

''You don't have to go, Jack. Please stay...'' Alex pleaded sadly. I wouldn't change my mind, but it reassured me that he tried to stop me.

''I want to...I'm not saying that I won't come back. But at least for now, I can't stay with you,'' I replied.

''Okay,'' Alex said sadly. I could see he was crying.

He stood up from my bed and left my room leaving me alone with my thoughts and now falling tears.