Devil, yet an Angel

Jack's P.O.V.

I was going to do a huge favour to the entire humanity. I was going to disappear and it was going to please everyone. I was just a stupid guy and everyone's life was going to be easier without me. There was nothing special and memorable about me.

I really wanted to die. Never I had wished something as much as that before. I wanted to be gone forever because I could not live with myself and the horrible things I have done. I deserved to go to Hell, I deserved to die. I deserved to go to a place where they would torture the monster that I was.

I didn't want to be saved, I didn't want to be found. I wanted to jump from the building and crash to my death. That is what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to die that day. Alex wasn't supposed to find me and to stop me. He was supposed to hear about my death and go on with his life. I needed to die to protect him from all the pain I could cause him in the future.

But he found me and he actually tried to stop me. That is not what I wanted and planned. I didn't understand why he didn't want me to die after all the pretty horrible things that I've done to him. He was begging me to stay alive. He kept saying that I could not leave him. He kept saying how much he needed me and how he didn't want to lose me. I barely believed him though. Maybe he was going to miss for a few days, but I soon would have been. There was nothing special about me that would have been remembered.

Then, Alex said those three little words. He said those magic words that made me doubt about my whole plan. I thought I was hallucinating, but I was not. Alex told me that he loved me. And I could tell he was speaking the thruth. As I got to know him better, I learned how to tell when he was sincere. And at that moment, he was. He truly loved me and it made me feel special. I didn't deserve his love, but it made me feel better about myself.

I knew that it didn't mean that we could forget about everything that happened in the past few days. We hurt each other and we could barely trust one and other anymore after every bad stuff we botj did. We were fragile and broken. But there was hope that things would get better for us. There was hope for us.

I thought about it. I had two options. I could either do what I had planned from the start. I could just jump and say goobye to pain and drama. Or, I could run into Alex's arms and try to make things better. It took me infinite minutes to reach a decision. I hoped I was taking the right one. I picked life, I picked Alex. It may sound egostical, but I realized that I needed Alex's love. I knew I might hurt him all over again, but I craved for his love. I was going to do my best not to cause him anymore pain.

In the end, I was happy that Alex found me and saved me. He stopped me from doing a huge and horrible mistake, a mistake that would have been my very last one. He still cared about me and still wanted me in life even though I was a monster who did nasty things. I didn't deserve his caring and his attention, but I was going to do everything in my power to show him my gratitude.

When we fell asleep next to each other, it remembered me of how things used to me. It reminded me that things used to be so perfect and that they weren't anymore. It reminded me of us when we were happy and carefree. I missed that time empty of drama. I wasn't going to give up. I hoped that Alex and I could go back to where we used to be. With time and work, nothing was impossible.

When we woke the next morning, it was a little akward. We barely talked, but at least we weren't avoiding each other anymore. We could be in the same room and it was okay. Though, I knew we needed to talk. We had to make the point on everything that happened once and for all. That was necessary to help Alex and I move on, for good.

"I-I think we should talk about eum, you know, everything..." I proposed.

Alex nodded and we sat by side on the couch, keeping a little distance. I was nervous and I could read in Alex's eyes that he was too, probably more than I was.

"Want to go first?" He asked.

"Eum yeah sure," I replied nervously.

I waited a few seconds before saying what I had to say. I remained calm, there was no place for arguing. This talk was meant to make things better, not worst.

"So eum, I was really hurt when you picked Zack over me because you meant a lot to me and I thought you did to. You told me such beautiful things and it was like you didn't mean them. You still mean a lot to me though... But yeah, I was very sad and then, you realized you picked the wrong guy and I felt like a second choice and that idea disgusted me. And then, I did a stupid thing. I was so mad that I was the only who actually suffered. I wanted to hurt you and I know that's pretty horrible. I am not putting the blame on alcohol. I am responsible for what I have done. I was so drunk, and it didn't help me to think rationnaly. And yeah... You know the rest of the whole story, so I'm not going to talk about the details...I'm truly sorry, Alex. What I did was unacceptable. I acted like a stupid jerk. God, I caused you so much pain and I'll never be able to forgive myself. When I saw your arms covered in fresh cuts, my heart broke into thousands of pieced. That's why I wanted to die...I couldn't live with the thought that what I did made you do this...And then you found me and tried to stop and I still can't understand why...that's much it I think. I'm just so sorry," I said.

"Well it's my turn to speak now," Alex replied calmy. "I did choose Zack over you and that was a stupid mistake from me. I had that fake conception that first loves should last forever. I thought thst Zack and I were meant to be together forever. I realized that I was wrong when I saw you cry and hurt... I realized that I wanted to be with you, not with Zack. Believe me when I say I meant every single things that I told you. When you said that you wanted yo ask me to be your boyfriend, I felt horrible because that's what I really wanted and I messed up. But I had faith that it could work out after all. But then, you did what you did and I felt like absolute shit. What you did was terrible, Jack. It broke me... But I don't want you to feel like you're the only one who led me to self-harm. I had many issues in the past and that was just what broke the camel's back. I thought I hated you, but then I found your letter and I realized that I could never hate you. I hated what you did, not you. I was scared Jack. I was so scared that you were already gone and I'm so thankful that I found you and that you're by my side right now. I'm also very sorry Jack. How I wish none of this had happened..."

When he was done speaking with his heart, we were both crying lighly. We had been hurt very bad, but after that talk, we both felt a little better. Most of all, we knew that for now on, we were going to be fine. Everything that had to be said was said and we were never going to talk about it ever again. We were going to leave the past in the past, where it belonged.

Alex took me in his arms and hugged me tightly. I felt safe in arms, I always did. It felt right, this was how things needed to be.

"We will be okay, right?" I wondered.

"We will, I know we will. Time will work his magic and things will get much better," Alex replied.

I hoped he was right. I couldn't lose him, I needed him. After everything we went through, I couldn't let Alex run away from me. I still had one question in mind, something I could not stop thinking about.

"Hey Alex?" I asked.

"Yeah Jack? Alex replied.

"Did you mean when you told me that you loved me when we were on that roof?" I wondered.

"Yes, I did mean it. I'm not ready to be in a relationship with you though, and I can tell that you feel the same way. But yes, I do love you Jack, and I'll love you even more with time. Things will be for the best," He answered.

"Yes, they will," I replied smiling.

I didn't tell him that I loved him back. I did love him too, but I didn't want to tell him . I wanted to wait for the right time and place to tell him. When would be the right time? I couldn't tell. Maybe it would be in a week, a month, even a year. I didn't know. But when the right moment would show up, I would just feel it.

Alex and I spent the rest of day hanging out in our apartment watching some series and talking about some random stuff like we used tondo before. Life was slowly going back to normal. We would get back to our old habits with time. We were going to be okay.

This a pretty short chapter, I'm sorry! I'm having a huge writer block on this story and I don't know if I'll update anytime soon. I might put on hiatus for a little while, maybe not. You'll have to see.