Devil, yet an Angel

I was sitting in the bus with Alex after our first day of University. What was supposed to be an amazing day felt like torture and dpression. I was living a nightmare. Just a few days ago, I was so excited about it. I was all prepared about the idea of starting a new life. But today, I just did not care anymore.

How could I care with the bad news I got the previous night? I could I be happy when my own brother was dead? I had two classes today that I shared with Alex and my new friend Rian. Both tried to cheer me up and to comfort me. I appreciated that they cared about me, but nothing could make me feel better.

My classes seemed interesting though. The teachers were nice and even asked me what was wrong. I tried to pay a little attention to what was said, just to chase the horrible thoughts for a while, but they never faded away. I knew that I would enjoy those classes and that I was at the right place.

I tried to hold back the tears all day because I did not want to look weak in front of everybody. I did not want to be known as the depressed new kid...even though my look and attitude probably gave that first impression. I could not hold them back anymore, so I just started crying, in the middle of the bus ride.

''Don't cry Jack.'' Alex whispered as he held my hand. Alex has been very supportive, I don't know what I would have done without him if I didn't had him by my side the other night and during classes.

''It's j-just so hard Alex. The pain. It's everywhere.'' I replied.

''I know Jack, I know...'' He replied holding my hand tighter.

I did not want to talk anymore...more like I didn't feel strong enough. I just brought my body closer to Alex's, putting my head on his shoulder crying. He hold my tight like the new caring friend that he is. I knew it hurt him to see me cry, but I just could not stop. Crying; that is what I've been doing the best in the last 24 hours and that is what I did for the rest of the day.

I stayed in my room for the rest of the day. Alex sometimes checked on me to ask me if I was hungry or if I needed anything. I really appreciated it, but I felt bad at the same time. I didn't want to be a burden.

I did not have the strenght to eat, shower or simply change clothes. All I wanted was my brother, but I will never have him back. He's gone forever and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing can fix it.

I was brought back to reality when Alex opened my door.

''Hey Jack, it's getting late and we have classes tomorrow. I'm going to go to bed, do you need anything?'' He asked.

''Yes...'' I replied sadly.

''What is it Jacky?'' He asked.

''Him...and you.'' I replied. ''Can you stay with me please, I feel better when you're with me.''

He did not say anything, he simply turned off the lights and took place in the bed next to me. He took me in his arms and I felt same.

''Goodnight Jack.'' He whispered, kissing my forehead.

''Night Alex.'' I replied before drifting to sleep in a few minutes.

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It was Friday night. My week has been pretty horrible. I showed up to all my classes, but I did not want to be there. I was not able to cry anymore. I just felt numb, I didn't feel anything. At least I had Alex. He never left my side this whole week.

And he was still by my side. We were in a taxi taking us to my family's house. We took a plane earlier that day since we both didn't have any classes. My brother's funerals were the next day and I wanted to be there earlier. I needed my family's comfort and, most of all, I needed Alex's.

When we go there, Alex carried our suitcases to the front door. I knocked and my mom soon opened the door. My whole family minus one was standing there, waiting for me. They all looked as depressed and sad as me.

''Hi mom.'' I sais sadly taking in her in a huge hug.

''Hello baby.'' She replied. ''How have you been?''

''Horrible.'' I replied.

She gave me a sad smile before noticing the beautiful guy standing next to me.

''Hi, are you one of Jack's friends?'' She asked Alex.

''Eum yeah. I'm Alex.'' Alex replied timidly.

''I don't know what I would have done without him this past week.'' I added. ''He probably the reason why I'm still standing here right now.''

My mom cried a little and hugged Alex.

''Thank you for taking care of Jack. I can't lose another child.'' She said.

''It's no problem Mrs. Barakat.'' Alex said. ''Friends support each other.''

''You're sweet.'' My mom added. ''I'll let you both settle in Jack's old room. We have a big day tomorrow so you should try to catch some sleep.''

I nodded and hugged her along with my sisters and father. I told them how much I loved them and how much I need them in my life, making us cry. I then grabbed Alex's hand and led him to my old room, closing the door behind us.

''I'm sorry, eum, I just have a single bed.'' I said.

''Don't worry about it Jack.'' Alex replied hugging me.

''I'm tired.'' I said.

''Me too. Let's catch some sleep then.''

Once again, I felt asleep in Alex's arms, just like I did the whole week.

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I don't think you understand how hard it is to be sitting in a church, listening to an old man praying for your dead brother as everybody around you cries. It was even harder listening to my mother talking in front of us about his older son. She was shaking and crying, but managed to deliver the whole thing. My mom always inspires me. She is the strongest person I know.

It was now my turn to speak. I was nervous and afraid I would not be able to do it. But I had to, for my brother. As I stood up, Alex gave me a comforting look, telling me it will be okay. I took place in front of the mic and started speaking about my brother.

''Evan has always been my model since he was my older brother. When I was younger, I wanted to do everything that he did, even if he did something bad. And still today, I want to be like Evan: confident, generous, respectuous. But he was suffering. I hope he feels better now, with the angels, where he belongs. Evan and I have always been closed even though we argued a lot. He has always been supportive, he never let me down. I lost not only a brother, but also a confident and my best friend. Evan, if you can hear me right now, just to know that I love you with all my heart. Protect the ones you love, you left too soon. I will always remember you, I promise.'' I spoke without chocking.

I went back to my seat and saw that Alex was crying. He hold my hand and looked at me deeply.

''That was beautiful, Jack.'' He said.

''Thank you.'' I replied, letting the tears escape.

Everybody remained quiet for what was left of the ceremony. Many people were crying, including Alex and myself. The funerals ended with 2 minutes where the priest asked us to pray. I have never prayed in my life before, but at that moment. I asked Evan to protect me, to help me. Even though I was all grown up, I still needed him.

The ceremony ended and we all followed the four men carrying Evan's coffin to the cemetery next to the church. I walked with Alex by my side, holding hands. I needed his comfort. We all gathered in the cemetery around the hole where Evan would lay forever. The priest said a last prayer before the coffin was being placed into the ground, confirming Evan was gone forever.

Suddenly, I felt empty. Alex's hand wasn't in mine anymore. I spotted him, leaving the cemetery. Something was wrong, so I decided to follow him. He didn't go too far, I saw him sitting in the stairs, crying.

''Alex what's wrong?'' I asked.

''N-nothing.'' He replied. ''Go b-back to your family Jack, I'll be okay.''

''No, I won't leave you.'' I said, putting my arm around his waist.

''He said he wouldn't leave too, but he did.'' He said, making him cry even more.

''What do you mean?'' I wondered.

''My best friend. He killed himself two years ago. He-he said he wouldn't but he did.'' Alex replied. ''Even though I understand more why he d-did it now, I'm still so mad. How could he l-leave me? And then, you c-came into my life, and you l-looked just like him. That's why I first hated you. B-because you reminded me of him.'' I didn't know what to say.

''I'm so sorry about that Alex.'' I replied.

''It's okay Jack, it is not your fault...but seeing that coffin and everything back there...it was just too much.'' Alex said.

''You should have told me it was too hard for you Alex, I would have understood.'' I pointed out.

''I didn't want to leave you alone Jack. I know what it's like to be alone when you lose someone, and I didn't want you to be. It was too hard for me and I didn't want you to suffer on your own because I care about you, maybe more than I should.'' Alex said.

What happened next was unexpected. He pressed his lips on mine. I was so shocked that I couldn't even move. But I could not deny the butterflies in my stomach. Soon enough his lips left mine, and he gave me an apolegetic look.

''I should not have done that Jack, I-I'm sorry-'' He said but I soon cut him off by pressing my lips on his, hand on his cheek. He kissed back, and it felt good. The kiss was sweet and significant. It felt right, more right than anything that has happened the past few days. We were both smiling into the kiss, just appreciating each other's presence.

''We'll be okay.'' Alex whispered.

''Yes, we will be.'' I replied. Even though the pain was still there, this right now, brought back some life inside of me that I thought was forever gone.