You're the Reason I Can't Sleep at Night

Vic looked fantastic. He had on a pair of black jeans that were tight in all the right places, a white button-up with the sleeves rolled to his elbows, and black vans.
“You’re in the middle,” he said, pulling me from my thoughts. “Hm…okay,” He smiled and took my hand, pulling me out to the driveway.
Vic was driving this time, his car able to fit six. I sat between Vic and Ash in the front, Jamie sitting on Mike’s lap this time. I kept my hands in my lap, staring out the windshield as we drove. “You okay Kells?” Vic asked, glancing at me.
“Mhm,” He smiled and turned, looking at me in the mirror briefly. ~
I spaced out a lot at dinner, my appetite basically non-existant. “Kellin? Are you sure you’re okay?” Alex asked, tipping my chin up. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little distracted is all.”
He half smiled and pat my shoulder. “Sorry kid,” I shrugged and glanced at Vic. “It’s whatever,”
For some reason, I couldn’t get my own words out of my head.

You can’t make him love me back.

I had always known that, but it hurt to actually point it out. Vic would never love me. He wouldn’t even like me.
He likes girls. I’m a boy.
I sighed and followed everyone else to the car.
“Let’s get drunk,” Mike suggested, basically everyone but me agreeing.
I didn’t voice my complaints; I would get out-voted anyways. Vic drove us all to the nearest hotel, letting the girls drop off their purses and sweaters while Mike got rooms.
I knew no one would be fit to drive tonight, but I really just wanted to sleep in my own bed. ~

“Hiya,” Vic said and grinned at me. I smiled a little and moved my stool to look at him.
“Hi,” I was kind of inebriated…who am I kidding? I was trashed.
“You look really cute,” he said and rested his hand on my thigh. I smiled hazily back at him. “I’m really drunk,” I admitted and leant my head against his shoulder.
“Mm……me too…and horny,” I looked at him funny and then rolled my eyes.
“So go home with someone,” Vic nodded a little and leant his weight against me. “Dance with me,” I shook my head.
“Please. Please Kellin, dance with me…” he pleaded and kissed my jaw.
I sighed and gave in, letting him pull me off the stool. I abandoned my drink on the bar, nearly falling as my feet hit the floor.
Vic caught me and then dragged me into the middle of the crowd. He turned me around, pressing his chest against my back and snaked his arms around my waist.
His warm hands rested on my hips, holding gently as I swayed them. I felt his breath on my neck, the warmth sending little shivers down my spine. “You’re so sexy,” Vic mumbled, his lips against my throat.
We grinded against each other, our hips moving in dirty little circles. I didn’t care that this was wrong. And I really didn’t care that I should not be grinding on my best friend.
Apparently I didn’t care at all….

I groaned awake, my stomach rolling horribly the second I moved. I raced out of bed, nearly tripping myself on the sheets, and fell to my knees in front of the toilet, seconds before my stomach heaved.
I retched violently, emptying the toxic contents of my stomach. “You okay?” someone asked. I fell back on my calves and looked up at Alex, wondering what the hell had happened. “No…ugh,” I threw up again, over and over until nothing else would come up.
Alex had left the room, not wanting to watch me. I rinsed my mouth, grateful for the little bottle of mouthwash under the sink. “Hi,”
I groaned and leant against the doorjamb, squinting at him. “Sorry, it is kind of bright in here. We’re getting ready to leave,” he said and looked me over.
“Where’s--?” His eyebrows knit together in confusion. “Who?” he asked. “Um…nevermind. Where are my clothes?” I asked, realizing I was only in my underwear.
Alex pointed to a little pile on the bed. “Come downstairs then, okay?” I nodded and walked over to get dressed. My head ached more as I bent to pull my jeans up, my stomach still sick.
I finished dressing and then slid my toms on before sitting down on the bed.
I didn’t remember coming back to the hotel last night. I didn’t even remember going to sleep. However, I did remember bits and pieces of last night.
I lay back on the bed and covered my eyes with my arms. My shirt smelled like him….
I could remember kissing Vic over and over until our lips were swollen and running my fingers through his soft hair.
I remembered the way he tasted and the feel of his hands on my bare skin as we fell into bed. How soft and warm his skin was and how incredible he felt inside me.
I remembered screaming his name and begging for more the second we were done.
But I didn’t remember him leaving….

I sighed and walked out of the elevator to where everyone else was waiting. “Hey Kell,” Ash said and smiled at me.
I waved a little and squinted at her, my head aching. I saw Vic, looking just as fucked up as I did, his hair a mess and a pair of dark sunglasses over his eyes.
“You three look like hell,” Jack said, motioning to Mike, Vic and I. We really did.
It was easy to tell that we were all hung over, and I was pretty sure none of us had gotten much sleep. “Where’s Jamie?” I asked, looking around.
“She went home with some girl. Said not to worry,” I nodded a little and leant against the little table up against the wall. “Can we go now?” Alex asked.
“Mhm, Vic, gimme your keys,” Vic willingly handed his keys to Jack; something he had never done.
We all filed into Vic’s car, Alex and Ash sitting up front. Vic leant up against the window to sleep, letting me lay on his side. He draped his arm over me, gently holding me there. I knew we needed to talk, but my head hurt so badly, and all I really wanted was sleep…. ~

I rolled over in bed and glanced at the time. 5:23 pm. I got up and immediately headed downstairs to shower.
The hot water felt amazing, along with my soap. I always felt so much better after showering.

I had dressed quickly, pulling on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt before going to look for Vic.
He was in the kitchen, alone. “Hi,” I said softly, catching his attention. “Uh, hey,” I smiled a little and leant against the island, across from where he was sitting.
“About last night—“Can we not talk about that?” he asked, a little harshly. “But Vic, we—“I know what we did Kellin, and it was wrong. Please, just forget about it,”
I shook my head, pressing my lips as he sighed. “If it’s so wrong then why did you do it?” I asked. “Because I was drunk and horny and stupid, okay? It was just sex Kellin, so drop it,” I nodded a little, looking down at my hands.
“You know that’s something I never thought that I would be…” I said quietly. “What?” I glanced up, my eyes watering. “Just another one of your worthless sluts,”
I walked out of the house before Vic could stop me, the tears dripping down my cheeks.
I could hear him calling my name and kept walking until I couldn’t anymore. I fell down in the sand and kicked my shoes off, tossing them aside as I cried.
Vic didn’t want me.
Why the hell was I surprised? Vic wasn’t gay.
He would never want me.
I was just another partner.
I was nothing special.
I shook my head, closing my eyes as I cried. The tide came up, washing over my feet and sending shivers through me along with a few choking sobs.
He will never want you; especially after he’s already had you.
I wrapped my arms around myself and cried until I couldn’t anymore, the sun setting and the waves picking up.
It got colder as the sun went down, darkening the sky until I could see the stars.
“Are you okay?” someone asked. I jumped a little and looked up at whoever it was.
He had a wet suit on, his dark hair falling in little wet ringlets around his face. “No,” I said softly, my voice rough. “Then do you mind if I sit with you?”
I shrugged a little and looked down at my knees. “What’s wrong?” the stranger asked, sitting down beside me. “It doesn’t matter,” I mumbled back.
“It does if it upset you. Come on, I won't bite. What’s wrong?” I sighed and looked at him, meeting his eyes.
“I slept with the guy I’m in love with,” Wait, that didn’t come out right…. “Come again? I don’t see that as a problem,” I shook my head, hating how ridiculously awkward I was.
“We both got really drunk and slept together, and he doesn’t know that I love him. He—he sleeps around a lot, and I’m just another casual fuck to him,”
The guy nodded, a little frown on his face. “So, he broke your heart and then left you out here all by yourself at night?” I shook my head again.
“I came out here by myself…although it was daytime,” I said. “Oh…well you should probably get inside soon. It’s supposed to storm tonight,”
I laughed a little and looked out at the water. “Honestly, a storm is the least of my problems.”
The boy nodded and frowned again. “I’m Oli,” he said. “Kellin,” He gave me a warm smile and crossed his legs under himself. “Lovely to meet you,” he said, making me notice the lilt to his words. I hadn’t even realized he had an accent; I was too caught up in myself.
“Where are you from?” I asked, realizing that may sound offensive. Oli just smiled. “Sheffield, England, but I moved here about two years ago,” he explained.
“Cool…I just moved here from Bakersfield,” I said. “How come?” It seemed like he was trying to distract me, and I really appreciated that. “I graduated and so my friends and I bought a house…over there,” I said and pointed.
Oli made a funny face, his eyes widening. “What?” I asked. “I, um, well I was thinking that you were really cute and I just, um, thought that you were older. Although I guess you do look kind of young, sorry…. How old are you?”
I took a minute to process all that he had said, and blushed a little at the ‘cute’ comment. “I’m 22,” I said, smiling.
“Oh, really, okay. You said that you graduated, I thought you meant high school,” I shook my head lightly.
“Is it really weird that I’m trying to hit on you right now, because I can stop,” he said, looking a little sheepish. “No, I don’t mind. I’m kind of flattered actually,”
This was actually what I really needed right now; someone who was cute and sweet and completely, utterly, not Vic. “Okay then…I think you’re cute, and I’d love if you went out with me,” I smiled softly and nodded.
Oli seemed really nice, and he was attractive. “Oh, um, great then. I didn’t think you’d say yes. Could I meet you here sometime? Like, not at night?”
I nodded and moved to get my phone out of my pocket. “Here,” I watched him type his number into it before handing it back to me. “Hm, I would tell you that I hope everything works out with that guy, but I actually do like you, so…I hope you feel better,” I laughed and smiled as he stood up.
“Thanks…goodnight Oli.”
“Goodnight Kellin. Now go home before the storm hits,” I nodded and stood up too, slipping back into my shoes. I watched Oli walk away before turning around and heading back towards the house. ~