Without You

“Tell me more,” Bucky instructed as we walked through a carnival. The scene was a lot more hectic than the fairs I remembered attending, and brighter with both lights and colours, but Bucky seemed to think it would help throw the enemy off our scent so I wasn’t going to complain.

“About what, specifically?” I wondered and he shrugged. I saw a moment of vulnerability pass across his face, softening his expression before it tensed with sorrow again.

“Anything about me,” was his curt answer so I nodded and thought back.

“Well, we met a few minutes before we were about to fight. The other soldiers were preparing themselves and you started talking to me,” I said, figuring that I should probably start at the beginning.

A smile flickered across my lips at the memory of him calling me ‘doll’.

“We got along well, then we went to battle and were caught…” I trailed off and stole a look at Bucky. He was still wearing his typical cold stare so I couldn’t tell if my words had triggered any emotions inside him like it did for me. “Then we became close friends. You were all I had, in that cell. You kept me going.”

“I did?” he questioned.

“Yeah… You meant- you mean a lot to me, Bucky,” I replied and as I looked up to him I finally saw a smile breaking through his rough exterior.

“I remember seeing you at a bar,” he said. I felt my face light up.

“You do?” I exclaimed before quickly turning my surprise into encouragement. “Tell me what happened.”

He hesitated and then came to a stop, the other people attending the carnival swarming past us as I stared into his eyes and forgot about our surroundings.

“I was talking to… Steve, right?” he asked cautiously and I nodded. “And then I saw you, and I remember thinking to myself that I must go talk to Evelyn.”

“And then you did,” I continued for him with a smile when he seemingly got lost in his thoughts.

“We talked for a bit and then you rejected me,” Bucky continued with obvious dejection and I felt his grip on my arm loosen.

“I didn’t reject you,” I countered with a frown.

He took a small step backwards as his puzzled face stared at me. Bucky was clearly struggling to piece things together.

I stepped towards him and reached out, taking a hold of his metal bicep with my right hand. That caused him to release his grip and our other arms broke apart for a second before I grabbed his right arm too. I applied some pressure and gave him a little shake as I tried to jolt him out of his unjustified depression.

“I promised myself to you after the war. I wanted to return from our missions and then give us a chance,” I explained forcefully, not breaking eye contact with him. He appeared to be softening but I wasn’t convinced enough. “I wanted you, Bucky, and it broke my heart what happened. And this… seeing you like this, unable to remember who you really are, is killing me too.”

I looked to the ground as misery swept over my body but my eyes were diverted back up when Bucky’s flesh arm swivelled out of my grasp and instead took a gentle hold on my hand.

“What happened? What did I do?” he questioned, almost demanded despite the fact that his tone held a kind aspect in it.

As I gazed into his eyes I felt less like I was looking at Hydra’s soldier and more like I was staring at Bucky, if only he had a haircut.

“You didn’t do anything, what happened wasn’t your fault,” I reassured him, not wanting him to blame himself for the event on the train.

“Okay,” he breathed, accepting my answer.

“We should keep moving,” I suggested and he agreed with a nod.

We merged back into the shifting crowd, Bucky keeping his hand clasped in mine instead of holding my arm like I was a hostage, and I wondered if there was sentiment in that action or if I was simply reading too much into it. I looked around the carnival as we passed through, and eventually a space that had been cleared for dancing caught my eye. A soft rock band was playing music and couples of all ages were enjoying dancing together. I found it sweet that they were stepping away from the frenzied environment to enjoy each other’s company.

Bucky halted and I met his eyes.

“Did you want to join them?” he asked, clearly having noticed my lingering stares.

“Oh, no,” I blurted with a shake of my head. “We have to keep moving anyway.”

I tried to keep walking but Bucky didn’t budge.

“I owe you a drink… Do I owe you a dance too?” he wondered with a hint of confusion and I smiled.

“Just the drink,” I replied, pleased to hear that he had remembered that too. “The dance was Steve and Peggy’s thing.” My face fell as I realised that they never got to have their dance in the end. Would Bucky and I never get our drink?

“Evelyn, would you like to dance with me?” Bucky asked. Surprise shooed the smile from my face and my lips parted as my heart skipped a beat.

“Yes…”

Bucky smiled and then led me to the edge of the dancing area, stepping forwards and placing his arms around me in a manner that was almost clumsy for someone who had danced with plenty of women before.

I quickly relaxed into his hold and swayed with his direction, glad that a slow song was playing and that he was taking the lead as I had only danced a couple of times in my life. As the song progressed, it became clear that Bucky was enjoying himself and a lot of tension was being relieved from his muscles.

He gave me a twirl and I giggled like a child from the thrill. He grinned at my enjoyment, then spun me again. This time Bucky caught me in his arms and pulled me close.

Breathless and speechless, I waited for his next move. He leaned in a little with uncertainty so I reached up and lifted his cap off. As I lowered my arm he lowered his lips until they sweetly landed on mine.

Bucky pulled away but lingered close to me, the rate at which his chest was rising and falling proving to me that he was nervous.

“I’ve been waiting seventy years for that,” I whispered and he breathed an obvious sigh of relief.

“Me too, I just didn’t know it until now.”