Saturday

Ashton's P.O.V.

Luke's words cut like knives. We were over, he did not want to be with me anymore. And that was all my fault. I had been stupid enough to let Calum kiss. I was stupid enough to even kiss him back. I cheated on Luke. I cheated on the boy that meant the most to me in the entire world. I ruined everything because of stupid old crush. I had everything that I have been looking for. I had a guy who loved me for me, who respected me, who made me feel better about myself, who could make me laugh and who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. As usual, the stupid boy that I was had to ruin everything.

I wished Luke could have given me some time to explain the whole situation, but he didn't. And I could not blame him. He had all the rights to hate me. What I did was unforgettable, it only made me hate myself even more. When Luke said that he was going to tell me that he loved me, my heart broke. I was going to tell him as well. I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me, how much love I had for him. But I didn't get the chance. He didn't get the chance. The only thing I did was making him run away from me, taking my heart along with him.

I tried to call him multiple times. I needed to explain myself, and I needed to hear his voice. He didn't pick up any of my calls and he didn't return my messages. He was done with me, I hurt him so bad that he did not want to hear from me anymore. But I was not going to give up. When Saturday came, I had hopes that he was going to show up at 11, like he always did. He promised me the first that we met that he was going to be there every single Saturday, and that he was not going to miss any visit.

But, he did not show up. He showed up at 1PM to visit his brother, he was not going to visit me. I tried to talk to him when he was about to leave, but he pushed me away, not wanting to be anywhere near me. I was still madly in love with him. One mistake ruined everything. I ruined everything. I only had myself to blame. I was guilty, he was the victim. I lost everything. Luke was my everything and I lost him forever.

He made me feel so much better myself. He made me feel like it was okay to be me. He made me feel like I was a prince. He made me feel loved and important. He made me feel like things were going to be okay. He made me feel such incredible things that I was feeding on. But they were all gone now. They were all gone because of me, because I have messed up. It was all my fault. I pushed away my own happiness, I made it disappear.

Few weeks passed and he still didn't answer to any of my calls. He was ignoring me, pretending that I did not exist. It was okay though, I didn't deserve his attention. I didn't deserve any good. Boys like only deserved to be sad. I did not deserve to have a beautiful life when everything I did was bad and completely stupid. Luke deserved someone better than me. And I absolutely didn't deserve him.

Luke being out of my life, I did not have any reason to fight anymore. I did not fight the urges anymore. I would make myself throw up after every single meal. The nurses never caught me, the stopped supervising me when they saw that I made a lot of progress. But that was because of Luke. Luke was now gone, so I was back to my old-self. I only saw flaws about me. I hated myself more than anything else. I thought I was stupid, ugly, useless, selfish, horrible, dumb and so much more. And that was how I really was. There was nothing good about me. My life was not worth it. I was not worth it.

I did not have any purpose anymore. All I saw was black, drama, problems, sadness, death. I wanted to die. I wanted to live this world. I did not want to hurt anymore and I did not want anybody else to hurt because of me. I had caused enough problems, everything would be better once I would be gone, everything. Nobody was going to miss me, it would be like I never existed. I would be gone for a place where people like me belonged; a place where stupid guys belonged. I would never cause any more drama, people would not have to check on me everyday to see if I was okay...everything would be for the best.

One night, when everyone was asleep, I did it. And I was not going to miss this time. Luke was the only person who made me want to stay alive. Not that he was gone, I had no reason to continue. I did not have any reason to stay alive. After Luke and I started dating, I stopped taking my pills. The nurse would bring them to me everynight. I made her believe that I was taking them, but as soon as she woult turn her back, I would put the pills in my drawer, in plastic bag. I didn't feel the need to take them. I did not want of a fake happiness around Luke, so I didn't take them.

This plastic bag was going to be useful. Along with the pills, there was a blade. I had found it one day in the recreation me and I took it with me and hid it. I was with Luke when I found it so I did not have the urge to use it. But now, I did. And I also had the urge to swallow every single pill in the plastic bag...and there were a lot. So that is what I did. When everyone was asleep, I locked myself in my bathroom and swallowed them, one by one. There was no way that I would be saved now since I waited for the nurse to do her night check up. I gave myself as many chances as possible to succeed in killing myself. I was not going to miss, I was going to die for good.

I already felt dizzy when I swallowed the last pill. But I was not going to stop there. I took the blade out from the plastic bag. That was it. I began cutting my arms deeply. Both my arms were covered in blood. I was going to die any minutes from then. I felt peaceful and happy to finally leave this world. The only thing I would regret was not saying farewell to Luke. But he would live. He woud hear about my death and he would move on, just like everybody else would.

I closed my eyes as I felt myself dying slowly. I thought back to my most beautiful memories, all of them involving Luke: the time we first met in therapy, our first hug, our first kiss, the time he asked me to be his boyfriend, etc. Luke showed me that happiness was possible. I wanted my lost thought to be about him, he was the one who made me want to fight when I felt like giving up. He showed me that things could get better. But I had to make them bad again. I was giving up once and for all. I closed my eyes and waited for my time to come, finally.

When I opened my eyes and realized that I was not dead, I wanted to punch a wall. I had missed again. It should have worked, I was not supposed to fail. Why did I fail? Killing yourself should be the easiest thing to do correctly, and I missed twice. What a big fat loser. Why did they have to find me? How did they know that something was going on? Why couldn't they just let me die like I wanted? I didn't want of this, I was sick of it. All I wanted was to die. All I wanted was to stop breathing.

I looked around me and did not recognize the room I was in. My head hurt a lot, my stomach too. I felt so desperate that I started crying, showing the world how vulnerable and pathetic I was. Was it too much to ask to let me die so I could stop hurting? Was it too much to ask to let me go to the other side where I would feel better, where I would feel free? Why couldn't they accept that some people aren't happy and that the only solution for them to find happiness is to die? I hated how they believed they knew what was best for me.

''How are you doing, Mr. Irwin?'' A nurse asked as she entered the room.

''Bad because I am not dead,'' I replied.

''Do you know where you are and what happened?'' She asked sadly.

''Don't give me that sad attitude, because you don't care about what I want. I tried to kill myself. I took around thirty pills and I cut myself so deeply. I was going to die, I was close from death. But then you had to save me. I did not want to be saved. I wanted to die, why couldn't you all understand that?'' I answered.

''Yeah, that is what happened. And you've be in a coma for three days. You are now under suicide watch in another unity. We are going to keep you in here until we feel that you are not a danger for yourself anymore,'' She replied.

''That is bullshit. I want to die,'' I said harshly.

''You are having a hard time Mr.Irwin, and I get it...and we are here to help you,'' The nurse said before leaving the room.

I started crying again. I felt so hopeless, desperate, exhausted and stupid. I did not understand why all the things that I wanted could never turn the way I wanted them to be. Why did life hate me that much to make everything go wrong? I kept crying and yelling as I cried myself to sleep.

I was woken up by someone shaking me lightly. What did that nurse want again? Didn't she understand that I did not want her or anybody else to help me? Why did the staff in here had to be so stubborn?

''Whoever you are, can't you just freaking go away? I don't want help. Just leave me alone to die,'' I said.

''I can't leave you...'' a familiar voice replied.

I quickly opened my eyes and saw him sitting by my side. He was there. Luke was there.

''Luke?'' I wondered sadly.

''I-I'm so sorry Ashton,'' he replied crying. ''I-I'm so sorry that I ignored you those p-past weeks. I should have been there for you. I-I promised you to always be there for you no matter what and I broke my promise. I-I'm so sorry Ash. T-They called me they t-told me about what you d-did and I-I was so scared that I-I had lost you forever.''

''I-I thought you hated me Luke,'' I said, crying as well. ''I-I'm sorry for e-everything okay? I-I messed up and I-I'm so sorry. I-I don't deserve to live, Luke. I-I'm just a stupid jerk and-''

He cut me off by crashing his lips on mine, kissing me tenderly. Was I hallucinating? How I missed that feeling. The feeling of security, the feeling of comfort. I missed this feeling of love only Luke could give me, this feeling of hope.

''I-I was mad at you, v-very mad. What you d-did was wrong...but what I-I did was wrong too. I should have l-listened you. I should have called you b-back Ashton. I feel l-like this is all my fault. I-I didn't want you t-to die Ash, I couldn't lose you like that...because even though I'm mad...I'm still madly in l-love with you,'' Luke said.

''P-Please don't b-blame yourself Lukey,'' I begged sadly. ''I-I don't want you to blame yourself.''

He nodded, still crying. He actually really cared about me even though I did something stupid. He still loved me. I made him some space in my bed and he got the hint. He layed in my bed next to me, hugging me tightly.

''D-Don't do this again, okay Ash? P-Please,'' he begged. ''I-I can't lose you. I-I need you and I-I know that we b-both did something b-bad...but we c-can work through this okay? Things will be okay. I just love you so much and I need you. P-Please stay with me.''

''Okay. I love you yoo,'' I replied.

Maybe things were going to be after all. Only time would tell. I had my Luke back, so I could only hope for a brighter future.