Crush, Crush

It had been a couple of days since Gerard's altercation with a fan and he still wasn't quite the same. I felt like I was the only one noticing how quiet he'd been, or perhaps it was only me he wasn't talking to. I realised that in the past, this sort of thing had happened all the time with him, but that didn't give reason to believe he'd be okay. I didn’t like the idea that he might be hating on himself for a past mistake.

I found myself struggling to sleep as the bus shook a little too much and the sound of the traffic around us was a little too loud to bear. Frustrated, I got out of my bunk, stumbling over to the couch where someone sat, their knees up to their chin. That was Gerard's spot, or so I'd been informed.

"Can't sleep?" he asked as I sat down beside him. He let go of his pyjama-clad legs and they slumped back to the floor. I shook my head. "Me neither."

"Are you alright?" He turned to face me, seeming confused by my question. "I mean, you've been awful quiet." He took that in for a moment.

"So have you. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"Then I'm fine, too." We sat and listened to the sound of traffic together for a little while. "I've been worried about my actions. Mikey knows. Clarissa told him. They're not too happy with me, and the way I seem to treat everyone like garbage. They've warned me of this before, a long time ago..."

"Listen, Gerard, forget about what she said. She was just a one night stand, yeah? So who cares? And it's none of anyone else's business." Confusion washed over his face.

"What? I don’t let that shit get to me. I was talking about you." It was my turn to be confused. "I shouldn't have kissed you the other day. I certainly shouldn't have done it twice. Now everyone thinks I'm using you and things are so far out of control. They talk as if I'm fucking you for my own personal kick. It's difficult to convince someone otherwise when that's all you've ever done with others..."

"Well you're not, so why listen to them?" I asked. My heart was racing. I wasn't sure I wanted to have this kind of conversation so early in the morning when the world felt much more raw.

"Well because I'm only lying to them when I say I'm not interested," Gerard admitted, turning his head away. As desperate as I was to tell him I enjoyed the kiss and to ask him to do it again, right now, I dared not say a word. "It's just like old times. I know I told you before but I really did want to fuck you back then. A couple of times, actually. A part of me was just being a horny kid and the other part of me was trying to convince myself that it'd do you some good to get your mind off of things. Show you more of the world. Those thoughts didn't get too far until I was reminded that I was disgusting, and that how I treated women was not how I wanted to treat you. You meant a great deal more to me than that. It was why I let you go. You needed more. I couldn't even love myself."

I felt as a great lump formed in my throat and couldn't control as my eyes began to water. Suddenly, I burst out crying. Gerard leant me against his side and began to gently rock me back and forth. His hand was running up and down my back and I never wanted it to stop. After all this time, I finally found my answer to why he'd let me go so easily. He'd done it for me. He couldn't have known the affect it'd have on me as I tried to become more like him, more his type, feeling that if I fucked myself up enough he might think I was worth his time.

"Listen," Gerard began, pushing me away slightly once my tears had stopped. "I've really said too much. I'm quite confused with where I am and what I want, mistaking it with what I deserve. I was a little too excited the other night - a little too brash in my actions. And if you give me the word right now then I promise it'll never happen again." The sincerity in his eyes was overpowering. But this wasn't what I wanted. Even if I couldn't have all of him, I'd take all I could get for now.

"I know you were just excited. I was too. I know it was only a kiss bred in the moment..."

"But are you okay with what happened? What if it happened again? It's not that I can't control myself. I'm not the fucking animal that people make me out to be. But given no barriers, no reluctance... Well, why wouldn't I? You're beautiful, even sat there in your pjs, and I miss what we used to have sometimes... whatever it was. It's been on my mind since you came back to Jersey."

"I'm not a little girl anymore, Gerard. I'm in the same way in that I'm not sure what I want. Not really. And besides," I began, a smile creeping onto my face, "You're a great kisser." I blushed as he smirked.

"Oh? How can you be so sure? It was pretty loud in there; perhaps you were distracted?"

"You might have to remind me what it feels like then, just so I can be sure." Gerard leaned in a little closer and held my arm as he brought his lips up to my ear to whisper.

"I recall running my fingers through your hair, tugging just gently at the strands and feeling as you melted into me," he whispered, running his hand up my arm to gently tug at the ends of my hair. "And the sound that escaped your throat as my tongue found yours for too brief a moment... Well, let's just say it was a cold shower that I had in the dressing room." He gently pulled at the lobe of my ear with his teeth before moving back away from me, the lust in his eyes something I was sure was mirrored in my own.

"G'night, Sugar." That smirk hadn't yet left his face as he got up. I watched as he crawled into his bunk and once it appeared he was settled, I dared to take a deep breath. Our conversation had been a lot to take in. It was funny that what started as something awkward turned into the opposite as I sat there in disbelief of what he'd just said to me, my heart beating almost as fast as my mind was racing. I needed to lie down for a while. I found my own bunk after a short while, but it took some time to get back to sleep.