Crush, Crush

I woke up sometime in the late afternoon with Gerard still by my side for once, his gentle snoring somewhat soothing as I lay still a little longer, not wanting to wake him just yet. When he woke, he'd leave, and there was no knowing when we'd be so close again. Or perhaps that was if we'd be so close again...

As much as I wanted things between us to progress, I could see the toll it was taking on Gerard as it did. I remembered when I'd only just arrived back in Jersey, and of how confident Gerard seemed in everything he did. It felt like he'd been on top of the world as I was trying my best just to keep my balance anywhere on the surface, with life threatening to push me down with every chance it got.

I wondered how he thought of me. I wondered if others were poisoning his mind as they sometimes did mine. Mikey was a key suspect there. Did Gerard still think he would somehow damage me? The thought was almost laughable now. I'd done that all by myself, without his help, during the years I was away.

Gerard's eyes finally flickered open, and a smile graced his lips.

"I like waking up next to you," he said softly, lifting his hand to brush the hair away from my eyes. But his smile was soon to fade, and I wanted it to be as simple as to ask him why.

"You never usually allow me the privilege of waking up next to you."

"I worry..."

"There's nothing to worry about." Gerard raised a quizzical eyebrow.

"There's everything to worry about."

"Like what?" Gerard didn't reply straight away, seeming to be of the impression that I'd answer my own question, a blush creeping its way onto his cheeks as it became evident that I wasn't going to.

"Like... the idea of falling in love. Just the idea of it, let alone the practicality."

"Are you scared?" There was a long pause before Gerard would reply, his voice so soft I'd barely made out his answer.

"Yes." I could see the concern etched into his face now. My heart beat faster at the thought that maybe, just maybe, he was scared because he could see himself falling in love with me.

"I can't be the person you deserve, Alison. I can't be there for you to lean on when I can hardly keep myself standing upright. It's all crashing down around me, my world, and I'm quite content in watching it burn. I have no desire to intervene. It is what it is."

"Who's to say what I deserve? If it isn't me then it certainly isn't you. You can't control everything, Gerard. Sometimes you have to let what will be, be."

"Are you trying to tell me my fighting this is futile? I don't know that I believe the future is entirely set in stone."

"Well that may be, but that doesn't mean you should be actively seeking to destroy anything between us. Sometimes I just wish you'd give it a chance. A proper one this time. I need to know I'm not gonna find myself looking back twenty years from now thinking 'what if?', and wondering if you were thinking the same..."

Our conversation ended there, which part of me was thankful for. I needed to process all that had been said, and what it might mean. Gerard appeared to be thinking about it all too as he rolled onto his back to stare up at my ceiling.

---

As much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn't stay mad at Mikey forever. I found myself sitting in my car outside his place like a coward as I contemplated whether I should give us some space from one another for a week or so, but just the thought hurt me to my very core.

My head snapped back in the direction of his front door as I saw him coming outside, car keys in one hand, pausing as he spotted my car on the curb. He sheepishly made his way over to me and I unlocked the door so he could come inside.

"I was just coming to find you... to apologise..." I shook my head.

"Listen, Mikey, I'm not stupid. I know what I'd be getting myself into if Gerard and I... Well if we ever..."

"But do you? You weren't here. You didn't see who he became... and I'm scared we're losing him again to his demons. You haven't seen him like that. You can't begin to imagine it." I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat. I had to tell him Gerard was drinking again. Someone else had to know. And who knows, perhaps it wasn't that big of a deal after all.

"He was at my place today. He came by after you called." Mikey didn't seem as surprised as I imagined. "He, uhh... he was hungover." Mikey looked away.

"I know."

"Oh, you do?" A wave of relief flushed over me.

"When he didn't come to the studio this morning, Frank and I checked in at his place. There were empty bottles littered everywhere. I... I'm scared for him. I hope its only the booze this time."

"He seemed okay when he left. He seemed really okay. It's hard to imagine him as the mess you paint him as when given everything going on right now, he's doing pretty well. Booze or not. "

"Can you honestly say you've never felt like he's hiding a larger truth from you?" I waited for Mikey to continue, an uncomfortable feeling growing in my gut. "He keeps everyone at a distance, Alison. He hardly ever tells even me how he really feels. And so by the time we find out he's having a hard time, it's when he's been admitted to a hospital. I don't want to see him like that." Tears were spilling from Mikey's eyes now. I leaned over to give him the best hug I could manage.

"It's gonna be okay. But you have to trust me, okay? I know you want to be there for him. I want to do the same. And believe it or not, but I can hold my own. If I end up brokenhearted once again, well, you can tell me you saw it coming a mile away. But I can't stop this now, Mikey. I'm still in love with your brother and I don't know that I can tear myself away."