Crush, Crush

I’d only just parked my car when I heard my phone go off, again, from deep within the labyrinth that was my bag.

“Seriously?” I asked myself as I saw I had five missed calls from Mikey. I doubt he’d called me that many times this year, let alone all in one day. My heart began to race as my thoughts went to Clarissa, and I hoped nothing was wrong. I swallowed my annoyance and immediately called him back.

“Hey Mikey, what’s up?” I was uncomfortable with how quickly he’d answered, but tried not to show my concern just yet.

“Is Gerard with you?” My annoyance came right back. Why would he be with me, and what was it any of his business, anyway?

“No? Why would he be here?” I quickly glanced up and down the street as I walked to the front door and didn’t see his car parked anywhere. He was supposed to be writing for these recordings the band were doing.

“Listen, I realise you probably don’t want to talk about him right now but we’re really worried. He’s usually the first one in the studio.”

“Why would I not want to talk about him, exactly?” Mikey was silent on the other end of the line for a long while.

“Well because he broke it off with you yesterday.” He’d said it as if it were fact. But, we’d never had anything to break off in the first place.

“I think you’re confused–”

“He said he was going to do it.”

“Listen Mikey, he cares about me.” Don’t you let anyone tell you otherwise. “Why would he break anything off with me? What would he break off with me, exactly?” I was beginning to get angry now, feeling as if Mikey had his nose where it really didn’t belong.

“Don’t pretend like you guys haven’t got something going on, Alison,” Mikey defended, which only got me angrier. “Something happened on tour and it was supposed to stay on tour. He’s no good for you.” Right on cue, I watched as Gerard’s car rolled to a stop outside my house.

“Listen, I gotta go. I don’t want to talk about this. Ever. It’s none of your business.”

“He won’t change for you, Alison. You’re deluding yourself. And I’m not gonna be there to tell you I told you so in the end. I can’t watch you destroy yourself again.”

I hung up on him. It took my all not to throw my phone down the street. Gerard seemed to sense my mood as he walked up to me, taking my hands and un-balling the fists I’d made.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, but I didn’t really need to. I could smell the alcohol on him before he’d even opened his mouth to deny it. “Everyone’s looking for you.”

“I can’t go to the studio like this,” he said. He took his hands back as his eyes dropped to the floor.

“You’re a mess, Gerard. Come,” I beckoned, and he followed me inside. I watched from the corner of my eye as he stood around my living room awkwardly whilst I made him a coffee.

“Thanks,” he said as I handed him the mug, his voice soft and sad. He took a sip far before it was cool enough to drink.

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t call Mikey right now and tell him where you are, and why you’re not at the studio.” He put the now half-empty mug down on the table.

“Because that’s not who you are.”

“You’ve been drinking.”

“Only a couple of beers…”

“Gerard, you’ve been drinking. Period.”

“Yeah, I know.” We were silent for a while after that. I wasn’t sure what to suggest, or if he held me in high enough regards to take my suggestions seriously.

“Take a shower. Get some sleep. And we’ll talk.”

“No, I just… I think I’ll just –”

“Gerard, take a shower. Here,” I began as I walked off to grab a fresh towel, “Take this, and you can use my shampoo. Your hair’s an absolute mess.”

“I like it that way,” he countered, blushing.

“I know, I know,” I said, worrying I was being too harsh. But sometimes, that was what a person needed to hear.

---

I laid staring at my bedroom ceiling as I listened to the running water of the shower in the adjacent room, waiting for Gerard to finish taking the longest shower known to man. The water eventually stopped and I waited for him to emerge. He came into the room drying off his hair, and then held my comb out to me with pleading eyes.

“You were right… it really is a mess,” he said as I took the comb from him with a small smile, motioning for him to sit on the floor in front of me. He barely flinched as I tackled the many knots that had made a home at the back of his head. I felt bad when I examined the comb once I was done, the spokes now full of bright red hair.

“There, that’s much better,” I thought out loud, ignoring the way Gerard had turned around, and the soft grip he had on my knees. “Do you feel better?”

“Much. Thank you, Ali.” The grogginess had disappeared from his speech and he seemed much more alert than before. I watched a careful smirk roll onto his lips, and felt his weight shift upwards, not at all bothered when I found myself lying beneath him spread across my bed, his hair dripping in my face as he kissed my cheeks then down my neck.

“Gerard… you should probably head to the studio before –”

“Shh…” His lips were against mine before I could protest any further and for a moment, I allowed it. I lost myself in the curves of his lips and the wetness of his tongue and in the feeling of his hands running through my hair. But there was something on my mind, and the thought was growing with every moment I stayed silent. I gently pushed him back until he gave up trying to recapture my lips with his own and opened his eyes.

“Do you drink because of me?” He was clearly taken aback by my question, his mouth opening and closing like a goldfish for a moment as he struggled with a response. That was the answer all on its own.

“Did Mikey –”

“No one told me anything. But it’s true, isn’t it?” He didn’t reply, instead climbing off of me and facing the wall.

“I find it difficult to… live. Like this. Not knowing what I want. Scared of actually getting it. It’s a headache. I just want it to be quiet in my head again. Like it was when you weren’t around.”

“Oh…” Gerard turned back to face me.

“I don’t mean that I want you to disappear.” His face dropped as I felt my own doing the same. “I didn’t mean it like that at all…” I merely nodded. I didn’t know what to make of that. Maybe we were no good for one another, after all… for I couldn’t say my own mental state was in the best of places…

Gerard stopped trying to repair the damage he’d done and closed his eyes, his arm resting gently on my waist, and we fell asleep together just like that.