Crush, Crush

Truth be told, I'd had a terrible day. It was part of a terrible week, which was coming close to a month, and felt like it would extend to a year. It was nice to have a job and be earning enough money to save a little each pay but I was being overworked. On top of my already loaded weekly roster I often worked overtime because what else was there to do? If I wasn't at work, I was at home. Or worse. I was at Clarissa and Mikey's place, which was always much nicer than being at my own place, except this time they were having a gathering of friends and family as a celebratory sort of thing for their recent baby news.

And I was excited for them. I really was. But my exhaustion level had hit a point where I wasn't sure how much of me was really standing in their kitchen, and knew none of me was listening to a word anyone was saying. I felt slightly agitated, partly because it was my own fault I was so tired. I'd known about this night for several weeks and I'd still decided to work myself stupid leading up to it.

My mood hit the floor then as I was reminded of the things I'd been trying to avoid. I wanted to avoid the loneliness that surrounded me at night. I wanted to avoid the rather large gap that was inevitably formed when you had no family. None. No one I knew understood how it felt to have no one to visit on the weekend that knew you inside-out. No one knew what it was like to have no one check up on you, to have no missed calls on your phone, to have no upcoming birthdays to attend. All I had in this world were Clarissa and Mikey... but they always had each other.

I didn't want to, but I felt the first tear slide down my cheek.

"Excuse me." Everyone had been too immersed in conversation to notice I'd left. I quickly made my way down the hall and was almost outside to get a much needed breath of fresh air when in my rush, I'd bumped straight into someone. I'd known who it was before I opened my eyes. It was funny, those little things that never left you about someone; all those pointless facts your brain kept about people that may as well be strangers to you now. But I recalled that oddly familiar scent that brought a certain face to mind. My eyes opened to a surprisingly worried Gerard as he held me at arms length, having only just steadied me. I'd almost forgotten I was crying.

"Let's get you some air," he said, realising what I'd been trying to achieve. He led me out onto the front porch and let me get a few steps ahead as he followed me down the drive. I wasn't sure where I was going, really. Clarissa had offered to pick me up earlier and to drive me home when I was ready, knowing that my car had been somewhat playing up, which meant I was without a ride if it meant not worrying her with my tears.

"Are you alright?" Gerard asked as I took a seat on the curb. He was sat right beside me a moment later. "I know I'm the last person in the world you'd probably rather talk to about stuff..." He wasn't wrong there. If it wasn't the fact that I still wasn't quite over how deserted he'd made me feel in the past, then it was that with every time we'd been in the same place since I'd come back to Jersey, I couldn't help but to wonder about him. And I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to fall into the past like that. In hindsight, it had been such an adolescent love that we'd shared for such a short amount of time... but I'd still held onto a little piece of it all these years. I guess you could call it an infatuation. A crush. Almost. But I already knew I wanted nothing more from it. I was lonely, and that was all.

"I'll just go..."

"Wait!" I yelped, surprising myself with how quickly I'd grabbed onto his arm. "Please stay with me a while. I don't want to go home feeling like this..."

"Then where do you wanna go?" he asked. He pulled his car keys from his pocket and lightly jingled them in my face, like it was that simple. The look on his face told me he wanted to help, and that maybe he knew how. Maybe he'd understand. Maybe avoiding him all this time had been a bad decision.

"I want my mother." I'd spoken so quietly that I was sure Gerard couldn't have heard me, but he grabbed me by the arm and began dragging me towards his car regardless. Nothing else was said as he helped me inside the passenger side and walked round to the driver's. Nothing had to be said. He knew where to find her. He'd been standing right beside me when they'd lowered her coffin into the ground.

I watched through the window as trees and street lights whirred past, trying to distract myself from everything. I wasn't sure I wanted this anymore. I hadn't been to visit her in all the years she'd been gone, or my father, for that matter, though I'd been too young to remember him. This upset me as much as it ought to have, and then a little bit more. I wondered if Gerard knew how terrible I'd treated my mother after her death. I wondered if she got any visitors at all.

I knew the car had come to a stop but I couldn't get out. Not just yet. Gerard was sitting patiently beside me for a while until he got out of the car and sat himself on the cobblestone fence to have a smoke. I wondered why he was doing this. I wondered then why I hadn't asked someone else to help me through it all. But I knew I couldn't do that. Mikey and Clarissa had their own things to be focused on right now, and I wouldn't allow myself to take them away from that happy place of theirs and trouble them with my problems.

I found myself walking through the cemetery gates, and felt Gerard's presence meandering not too far behind me. I couldn't even remember where they'd been buried, only that they were together. If Gerard hadn't known I'd not been here in a such a long time then it was surely a giveaway as I stood squinting at every gravestone I passed to read the names.

"That's my grandma Helena's grave," Gerard told me as he stood at a distance, taking another drag of his smoke. I turned back to the grave I stood before. A fair few years had gone by since she'd passed. I remembered Clarissa telling me about Gerard's struggles, which would have been around the time his grandma had passed. I wondered if the two were related. Beside her grave were a bunch of yellow flowers, I guessed from one of her children.

I continued on, finding myself frustrated and saddened that I couldn't find them. Gerard continued to quietly follow behind me after having stood at his grandma's grave for a short while, whispering things into the night. I started to cry once more, rubbing the tears away as I found I could no longer read the gravestones in the dark through them.

"Come on, I'll show you. I've been here with my mother a load of times." Gerard placed his hand gently against the small of my back as he led me along the path, only a little further on. I recognised the same yellow flowers beside the graves of my parents which only made me cry harder for some reason. Mrs Way must have placed them there. She truly was an angel. I made a mental note to stop by sometime and catch up with her when I was feeling better.

"Thank you," I managed to stutter out. It seemed Gerard hadn't realised just how upset I was until his eyes locked with mine then, and his face visibly dropped. He immediately closed the gap between us as he walked up to embrace me in a hug, one I couldn't help but return.

"I'll give you some space to do what you need to do," Gerard said as he pulled away from me, holding onto my arms still. "Take your time. I'll be in the car waiting." And with that he was off.

"Hi mum." I didn't say anything after that. I wasn't sure what to say, or that any of it should be said out loud. I sat there a while and thought about the cookies she used to bake for Christmas, and about how she would let me use her perfumes when I was younger if I was feeling a little down. All these happy memories flooded my thoughts, as if my mother was really there, and knew what would be best for me. I had my family once more, in a way, and it was just enough to pull me back up for a little while longer.

It was a long while before I found myself walking back though those cemetery gates. I saw through the windscreen that Gerard had fallen asleep waiting for me and felt a little bad about that, though something told me he really didn't mind. I contemplated having a smoke before I woke him up but as I found my tobacco in my pocket I glimpsed slightly down the way where there was a sign similar to the one above my head, only this one read "pet cemetery". I rushed inside Gerard's car then, which served to wake him up.

"You okay?" he asked, his voice showing how tired he was.

"You know, I never ended up watching the end of Pet Sematary. That Stephen King film."

"I know the one."

"You scarred me for life, showing me that." Gerard's lips curved into a smile.

"I could have shown you a lot worse than that. Just ask Mikey." I didn't doubt it. "Let's get you home, yeah?"

I gave Gerard rough directions to my home and directed him street by street once we got closer. The clock just passed 3AM as he rolled up outside my home. I was almost too tired to feel embarrassed by my neighbourhood at that point.

"Are you gonna be okay driving home?" I asked Gerard, who let out a yawn so big that it said otherwise.

"Sure. I'm at my parents' place for a little while anyway. They're not too far away... as you'd know, I guess."

"Why's that?" I asked, immediately regretting it. I was not interested in his private life. I almost wanted him to be angry at me for asking.

"It's rather personal, actually. I don't want word to spread and for people to worry about me. We know I'm talking about Mikey, here. And Clarissa. She'd probably worry most of all."

"She's wonderful like that."

"She is."

"Drive safe, Gerard," I said as I finally got out of the car, which seemed to shock him a little.

"Thanks..." I started walking up my drive, but Gerard's calling my name had me turn around.

"You should be proud of what you did tonight."

"Thanks, Gerard..."

He had waited until I was inside until he left and oddly enough, I didn't feel as an emptiness swallowed me up. No, instead, I felt oddly accomplished. I felt content. And I had Gerard to thank for it all.