‹ Prequel: The Alexander Swallowtail
Crush, Crush
Seven
It was a strange thing when your own life got away from you every so often. I’d been living in somewhat of a haze the past month or so, waking, working, eating, sleeping. Repeat. And now that I was sitting on a tour bus, staring out the window as it came to its first stop, I realised I’d come back to myself. I felt like someone had shaken me from the inside out, woken me up from the very core. Restarted my brain, rattled my heart.
“We’re here!” Frank’s excitement could only make me smile as he gently shook me where I sat whilst offering me a wide grin on his way to pass me, a bag of clothes flung over his shoulder. I’d been talking to him for most of our trip, and it was only half way through our conversation that we realised we’d met before. My stomach did a flip when he mentioned the party we’d both attended, years ago now. I recalled a particular kiss I’d received that night. My eye caught Gerard’s as Frank continued to discuss how the police had broken things up, and they couldn’t find me afterwards. I held my tongue as it threatened to reveal that Gerard had meant to leave me behind that night.
“I haven’t been this excited to play in the longest time,” Mikey smiled. “We finally have you here with us.”
“Oh, and it’s not exciting when I come to watch your shows?” Clarissa joked from behind him as they passed me. I could hear them playfully arguing outside the bus. Gerard was the last one to pass by, pausing for a moment as he approached me, but continuing on. I felt he’d wanted to say something. Perhaps he’d overheard my conversation with Frank. Perhaps he was going to apologise for leaving me alone with the cops that night. He kept his words to himself, however, and I continued to think about things he might have said had he opened his mouth.
It felt strange being backstage for a show. I felt somewhat important as technical professionals bustled around Clarissa and I, and almost found myself screaming along with the audience as the lights dimmed. The boys came into view just beside us and I watched as Gerard jumped up and down a few times, shaking himself into the moment. Mikey briefly kissed Clarissa before they all ran out, Gerard last, catching my eye on his way and smirking as the audience cheered impossibly louder.
I couldn’t take it all in – not completely. I was amazed that Clarissa seemed so blasé about the fact that her husband was out there in front of thousands of people, playing his bass like he was born to do just that. I couldn’t help but to follow Gerard with my eyes as he transformed into this whole other person on stage. He seemed so confident. He seemed so carefree. He had changed a great deal from the boy I knew 10 years ago; I could see that now. I admitted that I was intrigued, but scared all the same. I’d always held over everything that I’d known him like no other; that even if we were no longer so close and things were inevitably awkward each time we spoke, no one had known him like I had. But watching him on stage as he paraded around and fell to his knees as he belted out lyrics I hadn’t the capacity to listen to at the moment, for the first time in a while, I felt like I hadn’t known him at all. The Gerard I used to know and this stranger on stage… surely, they were two separate people.
“So, what did you think?” Clarissa asked me as we waited outside the door to My Chemical Romance’s change room for them to all shower and change. I didn’t know yet what I thought. She was staring at me, expecting an answer, though I felt she already had one from the look on my face throughout the show.
“It was good. Interesting…” She smiled. I knew she loved the band. I remembered her stories from when the band was first starting out, and she would make hand-made merch for them to sell at their shows. She’d been their number one supporter from the get-go. “Gerard–” I swallowed. I wasn’t sure how to formulate what I wanted to say. “Gerard is so different on stage.”
“He really lets loose. I’m not sure how he does it. I mean, he can be the wild child on tour at times so I can see where it comes from but I think deep down his heart is a quiet mess, and he craves solitude.”
“A quiet mess?”
“What, you’re telling me you haven’t noticed things are a little… off with him? Even from the distance you keep yourself at… surely, you would have seen it. He’s hurting. He’s been so much worse lately. He’s always been a little lonely, a little bit of trouble, but I’m worried for him. Do me a favour and keep an eye on him with me, yeah? I’m worried we’ll have repeats of… past tours.”
“What happened on past tours?” Clarissa paused for a moment, as if unsure as to whether she should tell me or not.
“He stopped drinking a while ago. I didn’t know he’d take his addiction into other areas of his life – mainly to coffee of course but also to sex. I guess he was always inclined to fall into that lifestyle. I don’t pretend to understand him, but I know he gets lonely. I keep telling him he can’t keep going how he does and I think he was listening for a while. There was an article published online after someone snapped a photo of him with his hand on the thigh of a fan backstage somewhere. I keep telling him he has to be careful or else he’ll get a reputation. He doesn’t want that. Not publically, anyway. I mean, we all know he’s a slut, but it doesn’t matter to us, you know? We see past all that bullshit. The media would tear him to pieces. I don’t think he’d be able to forgive himself for becoming the monster they’d portray him as, even if it were only half true. He has issues but it shouldn’t make him a bad person. The people he’s with from night to night… well they know what it is. He’s not lying to anyone. He’s a good person, albeit a little messed up.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. I felt like perhaps she’d said too much, that I wasn’t meant to know so much about him. It worried me to think what she might have told him about my past.
“Is he going to be okay?” Clarissa sighed, resting her chin on her knees as we sat by the door.
“I hope so. Time will tell. He just needs to sort himself out and settle down. I know sleeping around depresses him in the long-term. He seems to forget that in the short-term. And it’s… somewhat awkward reminding him of that. We tend to let him go. He always comes back, in the end.”
“We’re here!” Frank’s excitement could only make me smile as he gently shook me where I sat whilst offering me a wide grin on his way to pass me, a bag of clothes flung over his shoulder. I’d been talking to him for most of our trip, and it was only half way through our conversation that we realised we’d met before. My stomach did a flip when he mentioned the party we’d both attended, years ago now. I recalled a particular kiss I’d received that night. My eye caught Gerard’s as Frank continued to discuss how the police had broken things up, and they couldn’t find me afterwards. I held my tongue as it threatened to reveal that Gerard had meant to leave me behind that night.
“I haven’t been this excited to play in the longest time,” Mikey smiled. “We finally have you here with us.”
“Oh, and it’s not exciting when I come to watch your shows?” Clarissa joked from behind him as they passed me. I could hear them playfully arguing outside the bus. Gerard was the last one to pass by, pausing for a moment as he approached me, but continuing on. I felt he’d wanted to say something. Perhaps he’d overheard my conversation with Frank. Perhaps he was going to apologise for leaving me alone with the cops that night. He kept his words to himself, however, and I continued to think about things he might have said had he opened his mouth.
It felt strange being backstage for a show. I felt somewhat important as technical professionals bustled around Clarissa and I, and almost found myself screaming along with the audience as the lights dimmed. The boys came into view just beside us and I watched as Gerard jumped up and down a few times, shaking himself into the moment. Mikey briefly kissed Clarissa before they all ran out, Gerard last, catching my eye on his way and smirking as the audience cheered impossibly louder.
I couldn’t take it all in – not completely. I was amazed that Clarissa seemed so blasé about the fact that her husband was out there in front of thousands of people, playing his bass like he was born to do just that. I couldn’t help but to follow Gerard with my eyes as he transformed into this whole other person on stage. He seemed so confident. He seemed so carefree. He had changed a great deal from the boy I knew 10 years ago; I could see that now. I admitted that I was intrigued, but scared all the same. I’d always held over everything that I’d known him like no other; that even if we were no longer so close and things were inevitably awkward each time we spoke, no one had known him like I had. But watching him on stage as he paraded around and fell to his knees as he belted out lyrics I hadn’t the capacity to listen to at the moment, for the first time in a while, I felt like I hadn’t known him at all. The Gerard I used to know and this stranger on stage… surely, they were two separate people.
“So, what did you think?” Clarissa asked me as we waited outside the door to My Chemical Romance’s change room for them to all shower and change. I didn’t know yet what I thought. She was staring at me, expecting an answer, though I felt she already had one from the look on my face throughout the show.
“It was good. Interesting…” She smiled. I knew she loved the band. I remembered her stories from when the band was first starting out, and she would make hand-made merch for them to sell at their shows. She’d been their number one supporter from the get-go. “Gerard–” I swallowed. I wasn’t sure how to formulate what I wanted to say. “Gerard is so different on stage.”
“He really lets loose. I’m not sure how he does it. I mean, he can be the wild child on tour at times so I can see where it comes from but I think deep down his heart is a quiet mess, and he craves solitude.”
“A quiet mess?”
“What, you’re telling me you haven’t noticed things are a little… off with him? Even from the distance you keep yourself at… surely, you would have seen it. He’s hurting. He’s been so much worse lately. He’s always been a little lonely, a little bit of trouble, but I’m worried for him. Do me a favour and keep an eye on him with me, yeah? I’m worried we’ll have repeats of… past tours.”
“What happened on past tours?” Clarissa paused for a moment, as if unsure as to whether she should tell me or not.
“He stopped drinking a while ago. I didn’t know he’d take his addiction into other areas of his life – mainly to coffee of course but also to sex. I guess he was always inclined to fall into that lifestyle. I don’t pretend to understand him, but I know he gets lonely. I keep telling him he can’t keep going how he does and I think he was listening for a while. There was an article published online after someone snapped a photo of him with his hand on the thigh of a fan backstage somewhere. I keep telling him he has to be careful or else he’ll get a reputation. He doesn’t want that. Not publically, anyway. I mean, we all know he’s a slut, but it doesn’t matter to us, you know? We see past all that bullshit. The media would tear him to pieces. I don’t think he’d be able to forgive himself for becoming the monster they’d portray him as, even if it were only half true. He has issues but it shouldn’t make him a bad person. The people he’s with from night to night… well they know what it is. He’s not lying to anyone. He’s a good person, albeit a little messed up.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. I felt like perhaps she’d said too much, that I wasn’t meant to know so much about him. It worried me to think what she might have told him about my past.
“Is he going to be okay?” Clarissa sighed, resting her chin on her knees as we sat by the door.
“I hope so. Time will tell. He just needs to sort himself out and settle down. I know sleeping around depresses him in the long-term. He seems to forget that in the short-term. And it’s… somewhat awkward reminding him of that. We tend to let him go. He always comes back, in the end.”
♠ ♠ ♠
I don't even know anymore. My love for this story sort of died. I think it's coming back, though. I've been thinking about it again, so that's a good sign.I will finish this.