Crush, Crush

I couldn't tell you what changed my mind about going on the tour with My Chemical Romance but as I sat alone on the tour bus couch whilst everyone slept, save for their driver, Phil, I could tell you I was beginning to regret it. What place did I have here? I'd come to realise pretty quickly that I wasn't as close to certain people anymore, which came as a painful surprise though really, it should have been obvious. We'd all changed so much. I wanted to go back in time to before my mother died, before I moved, before things got so out of hand. Before I met Davie. Before I was introduced to the wonders of cocaine. Before Clarissa had needed to save my life as she had. Before I'd agreed to go on this tour.

"It's weird seeing someone else up at this hour, sat right there." The sound of Frank's voice startled me, despite his hushed tone.

"Is this your spot then?" He walked past me to grab a bottle of water before sitting down beside me.

"No, this is my spot. That one is usually Gerard's." I wasn't sure what to say to that. I didn't want to ask, but I did. It was an unhealthy obsession I was developing to try and fill in the gaping gaps in Gerard's personality, the one between the boy that was and the man that is. I didn't have to say anything as Frank continued.

"He has trouble sleeping. Dreams. Nightmares. He doesn't like to talk about it. They seem worse when he's sober. Not that I'd be encouraging him to start all that up again."

"That's awful." Frank nodded.

"So what are you doing up, Miss Alison? Do you suffer nightmares, too?"

"I couldn't sleep. The bus moves too much. It's too bright in here and everyone feels too close." I'd been trying to find sleep for the longest time but each time my eyes fluttered back open as the bus passed over a bump I was greeted with the sight of Gerard's sleeping face as he'd failed to pull the curtains all the way shut. I remembered when we'd share his bed and of how much comfort it would bring me. Now, there was something in the way of me simply stepping out of my bunk to squish up against him, to have his arms wrap around me and his voice in my ear telling me that everything was going to be okay.

"Tonight we have a hotel. And a day off tomorrow, but I think we have press and interviews and the like during most of the day. You should get a better sleep then." He hesitated for a moment before he got up, patting me on the back gently before crawling back into his bunk and I guessed falling back asleep as I heard him snoring not too long later. The sun was beginning to rise. I decided I'd crawl back to my own bunk, not wanting to be up when everyone else was beginning to rise. Gerard was still asleep across from me, a small frown on his face as he dreamt. I wondered if he were having those nightmares that Frank spoke of. Eventually I turned to face the wall, unable to face him any longer. I hated to admit it to myself, but there was something there for me still. Something burning from the bottom of my heart. Something I simply had to let go of. It was about time to let it go. He certainly had.

---

Clarissa and I had been roped into working at the merch table for their entire gig that night, though I couldn't say I was too upset by the whole ordeal. Clarissa felt a little differently, however. If I had to guess her bad mood I would have said it came down to the way some of the fans would whisper as their eyes followed her around the stand. I was guessing that people knew who she was, in relation to the band. I felt lucky in that moment, being only a friend and unrecognisable from the others working there.

It was late when the last of the crowd began to clear and we were finally packing the merch neatly back into boxes. Clarissa's mood had lifted once more. She seemed eager to get back to the hotel for the night so she could shower, and rest her back. Sometimes I almost forgot she was pregnant. It was as if I'd expected some huge change in her, like being pregnant would alter who you were. Make you more responsible, and all of that. But Clarissa had always been the responsible one. Perhaps that was why.

"Put that down," I warned her as she went to grab a box of merch to take it back to the van. "Mikey will kill me if he sees I've let you carry that around."

"I'm not handicapped, Alison, I'm pregnant. And I'm only 16 weeks! Everyone's already treating me like I can't do a thing for myself."

"That's not what I meant..." I suddenly felt horrible for passing judgement on her, though she put the box back on the counter anyway. "I just don't want to see you get hurt." Clarissa smiled.

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm just a little on edge. These girls look at me as if I'm ruining Mikey's life, like I've finally trapped him with me." I rolled my eyes.

"They can go suck a lemon."

It took a few walks back to the merch stand to collect all the boxes by myself. Clarissa had gone to rest in the tour bus after I'd told her I was okay to go back for the rest by myself, silently seething that the boys hadn't thought to come help out. They were still packing up their instruments, I imagined, though one of them didn't have that excuse. I admit I hadn't been looking where I was going and let out an 'oof' as I ran into someone, a smile still on their face despite the fact that I'd almost bowled them clean over.

"Is this the last one?" Gerard asked as he took the box from me. I nodded. He was still sweaty from the show, a towel over his shoulders, his hair a tangled mess. Somehow, he wasn't unattractive in such a state. "Thanks for helping out. We didn't want to ask but a couple of the merch crew didn't turn up tonight."

"That's fine." I walked with him as we made our way to the van which had been packed tight with amps and guitar cases since the last stop I'd made. Gerard found room for the box before saying a few words to the crew, then walking back to the bus with me.

"Tonight we're in a hotel and tomorrow we have the day off. Well, the night off. I imagine you and Clarissa will find something to do by yourselves for a little while." I nodded. "The boys want to go out tomorrow night and of course you two are invited. There's a bar down the street from the hotel that we always try visit when we pass through. It's small and we're hardly ever bothered there. It's not exactly the cool end of town."

"Okay." The rest of my response was cut off by screaming as we rounded the corner. There was a small crowd of mainly girls gathered by the tour bus where Frank and Ray were signing autographs for people. Mikey was nowhere to be seen, and probably already inside with Clarissa.

"Does it freak you out to see this sort of thing?" Gerard asked as we approached.

"A little," I lied. The entire concept was completely foreign to me.

"We won't be long." Gerard began to head in their direction then as I headed onto the bus, hearing part of a conversation as I was walking up the steps.

"Is she your girlfriend?" Gerard never replied. I guessed it was normal for people to pry and guessed Gerard never replied. Still, I felt a flutter in my heart for a brief moment as I remembered we used to be something more and imagined, despite the doubts I had, that Gerard also thought back to all of that every once in a while. It wasn't something we talked about, save for that night at the lake. Gerard seemed content with letting it go, and I thought I was pretty good at hiding the fact I still cared a little too much about the whole ordeal.