Parts of Me

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay, man?”

I look over at my best friend of twenty years and nod. “Yeah, I’ll be okay.” I mumble quietly, running my hand up and down my leg as we sit in his car. There’s a light rain throughout this normally sunny state and I can’t help but notice the irony of how well it goes with my mood.

“If you want Ash to stay, that’s fine,” Tim tells me softly. “She can stay with you tonight if you need someone to help you.”

“No it’s okay,” I insist, looking over at him with an attempt at a reassuring smile that I’m sure he sees straight through. “I’ve got ma breathing down my neck already- I’ll be fine man. Really.” I push, sending him a look as I reach for the door.

“Alright,” Tim sighs, before reaching over and pulling me in for a hug. “Take it easy- and don’t be embarrassed to ask for help. You know we’re all here for you.”

I nod once more, so he knows I’m listening. It hasn’t been easy these past few weeks so I appreciate everything he’s done for me. He understood when I needed to get away from the massive changes in my life and he didn’t question me once.

“I should go inside. I’ll send Ash out.” I tell him as I climb out of the car and grab my 8123 duffel bag from the backseat. “Thanks, Tim. I appreciate it.”

“No worries man. Love you.”

“Love you too dude.” I call before closing the door and jogging up to the front door of my house. That’s right, my house. I’d moved out of Tim’s garage three years ago and into the typical dream home with my girl, something that took a lot of growing up and maturing for me to finally do. It wasn’t the easiest of things but I managed to do it because I was doing it with her. She made everything feel so safe.

I hardly feel safe now.

I open the front door and walk inside, dropping my bag by the coat rack. “Ash?!” I call through the quiet house, before heading into the kitchen.

Ashley turns around with a small, almost-asleep baby in her arms and the feeling of relief washes over me. That’s one less thing for me to worry about tonight. Ashley gives me a sympathetic smile as she makes her way towards me. “Hey hun, how are you?” She asks softly, pulling me in for a quick hug as she rocks the baby to sleep.

“I’m doing okay,” I nod stiffly, looking anywhere but the infant in her arms. “Yeah, I’m managing.”
She nods, a sad smile taking over. “The boys have been great. This little guy is almost asleep but his brother has been down for a couple of hours. He might need a feed in a few more.”

“And that’s-“

“With the blue bottle, that’s already in the fridge for you.”

I look at her with such appreciation and it brings tears to my eyes. “Thank you so much Ashley- for everything you’ve done.”

“Aw John, you know I would in a heartbeat.” She sniffs, tearing up. “Call me whenever you need to, okay? If you want me to take the boys for a night or two each week don’t hesitate to call me. I understand that this can be a little much for you.”

I look down at the sleeping baby in her arms and feel my heart pull in my chest at the thought that there’s another one just like him upstairs in the nursery my girl and me spent so long decorating the eight months prior.

“I might take you up on that one night a week thing…” I mumble, “I don’t really know how to handle two kids on my own.”

She nods understandingly. “Do you want me to stay for a few days?”
I shake my head, not wanting to come across as too desperate. I’m a grown man; I should know how to handle these things. Fair enough, becoming a first time father as a single parent is hard, let alone having twins, but it’s not like I haven’t been preparing for their arrival the past few months.

I just wasn’t preparing myself to go it alone.

Once Ashley finishes showing me the basics with the boys and where everything is, I walk her to the door and say goodbye, waving out to Tim so he knows I’ve survived seeing one half of my children.
My smallest son, Phoenix, has been sleeping in my arms for almost a full minute and already I can’t take it. It’s too much and I rush to the living room to put him down on the couch. I make sure a wall of cushions barricades him before sinking down on to the floor beside him. I can’t do this. This is too much.

I’m not ready for this.

I was never ready for this.

The following morning, loud crying wakes me. I sit up suddenly as I realise I fell asleep on the floor by the couch. My heart races as I realise I’d also left my son on the couch. Thankfully, he hasn’t moved and neither has the barricade I’d thrown together.

It’s not him that’s crying, it’s his brother upstairs.

Once getting up and making sure Phoenix was secure, I race up stairs (not without a few stumbles as I try to wake myself up) and into the nursery where my oldest boy Mesa is bawling his eyes out in his crib.

I sigh as I reach down into his crib and lift him carefully onto my shoulder. “Hey bud, you’re okay. I’m here, d-daddy’s here.”

I walk around the room a few times, rocking Mesa in my arms to get him to calm down, but it doesn’t work and he only gets louder. “What’s going on, huh? What do you want? You want some food? Or is it your diaper?”

I check his diaper and wince. This is definitely not going to be my favourite part of being a parent.
Laying him down on the changing table, I work quickly to change his diaper, before disposing of the dirty one and rubbing some baby powder over his smooth behind.

Once Mesa’s changed, I lift him into my arms and kiss his cheek; he’s only whimpering now, sucking profusely on his thumb. I really need to get him onto his pacifier.
I make my way downstairs through the quiet house and into the kitchen, fixing Mesa into his high chair. I then grab a bottle from the refrigerator and pop it into the microwave before heading back into the living room to see Phoenix awake and looking around the living room in wonder.

“Hey little man, you hungry too?” I coo, lifting him up from the couch. I put him beside his brother and discard his little t-shirt, leaving both of them in just their diapers. They each had a different coloured baby bracelet on their wrists in case we had trouble telling them apart. I didn’t need them because telling the two apart was easy- Phoenix has his mother’s eyes while Mesa has mine. Apart from that, they’re identical.

When we found out we were having twins, we freaked. We weren’t ready for two babies, still trying to prepare ourselves for the one. Having a kid before my thirties was hardly the plan so you can expect my shock when I discovered I would be a father before twenty-seven. Still, I was excited, we were thrilled to be doing it together and slowly but surely, they idea of becoming a father to some kid grew on me.
Until I left the hospital with two boys on my own.

As soon as I got home two days after they were born, I called Ashley and Tim before going down to LA for three weeks with Dirk. It all became too much and I just wasn’t fit to parent the two straightaway. Call me weak, but I didn’t sign up to do this alone; we should have been doing it together. That’s what we’ve been looking forward to for the past nine months.

So here I am, back in Arizona with my twin boys, about to start the long journey of being a single parent. They probably have no idea who I am so it’s up to me to create that bond.
Once both bottles are done, I stand between the two and try to feed them at the same time. It’s hard to keep up with, but I somehow manage to get both of them well fed and satisfied.

I’m also lucky enough to make myself some breakfast before I have to change Phoenix’s diaper. But before that, I tend to burp the boys. Even though I do it individually, they both puke down the back of my favourite Tom Petty shirt and I no longer want to eat the vegetable omelette I’d just prepared.
It’s disgusting, but there’s not much I can do except throw it in the wash and clean them up. By the time I come back into the kitchen, both boys are looking at me with curious expressions written across their faces. Mesa is sucking on his thumb and Phoenix is gurgling something totally alien- I’m not sure he’s even speaking English, which would be a big worry.

“Alright you little creeps, let’s get you bathed, huh?” I sigh, lifting them both into my arms before taking them upstairs to the bathroom. They seem to enjoy my bare skin, both attacking me with their gummy little mouths and full pink lips. I can’t deny that they’re both beautiful little babies, but it still weirds me out that they’re a part of me.

“Hey- stop that!” I chuckle, trying to pry their faces away from me. When I get to the bathroom, I settle them down to crawl about on the floor before turning on the bath. I sit back and frown at the size of the tub; when we moved in to this place, we opted for a bigger sized bathtub in order to have a more comfortable time together. I guess we never really took into consideration that it would be too big to bathe a small child in. I have no choice but to join the two of them.

“Looks like it’s a party of three, kiddos.” I state, standing up and beginning to undress. I feel kind of weird getting naked with other people in the room but the feeling soon disappears when I come to the reality that these little things are my people, they’re my babies and this is something a father or mother usually does with their newborn.

I reach for the bath pillow and place it down once there’s enough water in the tub. I don’t want to put too much in and risk one of them drowning, even though I know it’s an uncomfortable amount for myself. The bath pillow is enough to hold one of the boys’ head above water while I hold the other. Considering Mesa is the biggest out of the two, he’s on the pillow while I hold Phoenix upright in the water, stabilizing his posture so he sits confidently in front of me.

I take the time to really look at their faces and pick out their differences and scary similarities. They both look to be developing my nose, with white blonde messes of hair growing on their heads. Mesa is the bigger of the two with longer limbs- just like I was as a baby. Phoenix is more petite like his mom, although it seems to be the only noticeable difference (apart from the eyes) between them. It’s enough for me to be able to tell them apart, but I know at first glance every one will be getting them mixed up.

“You guys will be seeing a lot of me the next couple of years,” I chuckle, using my hands to pour small amounts of water over them- keeping clear of their faces. “I hope you like me; I’m not as good at this as I’d like to be, but apparently it’s just going to be me looking after you two. Mommy’s not around so you’ll have to bare with me, okay?”

They stare at me, probably wondering what the fuck I’m saying.

I let out a small sigh as I look from Mesa to Phoenix and back again. “Yeah, I thought so. Daddy’s
gonna…gonna try his hardest, okay?” I stutter, getting choked up in front of them. The thought of handling all of this by myself is overwhelming because I know that now, there is no turning back. These two need me and I’m not going to let them down, no matter how much I just want to run because the idea of it all scares me shitless.
I wasn’t prepared for this; it wasn’t supposed to turn out like this.

“I might cry just as much as you two, but we’ll be okay, yeah? We can do this- I can do this.”

Did I believe that?

Abso-fucking-lutely not.