Parts of Me

One month. These little creatures have been living and breathing for a whole month. It feels like just yesterday they were brought into this scary world and now here we were celebrating their first month.

I couldn’t be more of a wreck.

One month of my twin boys doubles as one month of being a parent by myself, aka without the woman who I thought I’d spend the rest of my life raising them with. I can’t help the bitterness that runs through my body as she pops into my mind, taking over all of my thoughts.

That cruel, cruel bitch.

The past week was daunting and stressful and I am most definitely tired already. I’ve hard zero to no sleep and hardly have time to feed myself as I try my hardest to feed, bathe and raise these boys as much as I can on my own. Phoenix is having trouble sleeping for long periods of time, which of course means that I don’t get to sleep. He lies with me in bed while Mesa is the perfect child, sleeping in his crib, eating at the right time and just overall being a blessing.

Phoenix is unfortunately nothing like his brother. He cries the most out of the two, always demanding something. I’ve found that both of them just really like lying against me, skin to skin. I’ll admit it’s soothing for me too and it calms me down when I’m getting stressed out. It’s also effective bonding time between the three of us as I still try to figure them out. The ink on my body easily fascinates them as I am with every little dimple or curve of theirs. We really did create two beautiful creatures- even though I thought they looked disgusting when they first came out of the womb (you can’t blame me though, they were covered in blood and lady gunk).

These two guys have quickly become the most important things in my life and everything I do is for them first. The band is taking a break for obvious reasons, which I wouldn’t have had to do if their mom was here, but due to the change of circumstance, I was currently a full-time dad and I really did need it. Raising two kids is hard and there’s no way I could balance them and the band at the same time.
It’s a nice, sunny Friday morning when I get the boys up after my shower, allowing myself the three minutes of alone time I need each day. Even when they’re sleeping I don’t get to sleep because I’m busy tidying up or doing their washing or making their food or getting lessons from Ash. These things make it easier so I’m not caught out when one of them is crying in my arms, but it’s double the work compared to a normal baby and I’m exhausted after one week already. I never thought it’d be this tiring.
But it’s worth it, of course.

I walk into their nursery where both of them rest in the one crib (it’s big enough for the two of them). Mesa is drifting in and out of consciousness beside his brother, who’s already awake and making grabby hands for me.

“Hey bub,” I coo softly, lifting him into my arms and rocking him back and forth. “You’re a little nightmare, aren’t you? Never sleeping, never eating when I need you too. You poop a lot and you’re always interrupting daddy’s phone calls with your crying. Why, huh? You a sad little man? Or do you just like seeing daddy cry?” I tease, kissing his cheek.

Phoenix reaches up and grabs my nose with a giggle and I try to pry him away but it’s no use. He’s gonna make the little league with that grip one day, I can feel it.

“It’s okay though, daddy loves you enough to let you get away with it.” I mumble, kissing his nose. His eyes lock me in and I can’t help but feel myself get choked up just seeing them. I’ve been looking at his mother’s eyes for the past four years but seeing them like this is harder than I thought. I love my kid, of course I do, but it’s not easy holding them when they’re half me and half her.

Phoenix lets out a small moan and it brings me back to reality.

I nod. “Okay. We need to get you dressed and into the car. We’re going to grandma and grandpas today.” I tell him, regardless of the fact that he can’t answer fluently. “Because it’s two little boys’ one month birthday.” I coo in his ear, kissing his cheek again. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about that freshly innocent baby skin that I can’t get enough of. These little humans are so addicting even though they have me scared half to death for the short week that I’ve spent in their presence.
I think they do it on purpose.

“There they are! There’s my beautiful boys!”

A weak smile grows on my lips as my mom takes one of the baby carriers from me, before greeting me in a tight hug.

“How are you, sweets?” She whispers in my ear, like the boys will understand what she’s saying if she speaks too loud.

“I’m handling it,” I reply quietly, not sure what else to say. After all, it’s only been a week since I’ve been with the boys and only a month since my whole life changed without my consent. “We’re...we’re managing.”

“That’s good to hear, darling. Come inside, your father is in the kitchen. Everyone will be here soon.” She tells me softly as we walk through the house. “How have you been going with the two of them? I told you that we’d be happy to take them off of your hands for a night or two to let you properly adjust to everything.”

“Me passing off the boys isn’t exactly adjusting,” I point out, “much like it wasn’t for their mom-“

“John,” my mother warns me sternly as we stop in the hallway. “Don’t dwell on what you can’t change. Deal with it, get over it and move on for the sake of your sons.”

She’s firm but she’s right and I know she means it from a good place. Her heart is twice the size of anyone I’ve ever met.

I nod and follow her into the kitchen, where my old man stands by the oven, sliding something in before turning around and smiling at the site of us.

“C’mere kid, show me my grandsons.” He beams, opening his arms wide.

I place the baby carrier on the kitchen bench and meet him with a hug. “Hey dad. The boys just woke up so they might be a little shitty.”

“John,” ma scolds again, before lifting Phoenix out of his carrier. “They’re nothing but little angels.”

I let out a laugh as I lift Mesa out and pass him to my dad. “Yeah, you’re holding a real saint, ma.”

My father takes Mesa ever so carefully and rocks him gently against him. Standing back from the two of them, I take in the sight and can’t help but wonder if my dad ever held me like that.

“How’ve you been, John?” He asks me, not taking his eyes from Mesa.

I shrug. “It’s been…the first week has been…” I’m torn between the love for my kids and their heartbroken hate for their mother. Sure I love them and I’m stoked to have them, but their mother is no longer here. How am I supposed to feel? “I don’t really know.” I admit honestly.

My father looks up at me and nods, seeming to understand. “It’ll be like that for a while. The most important thing is that you just keep going with the boys. They’re depending on you and it’s important you pull through for them.”

I nod slowly, taking a seat at the kitchen table. “They’ve been good, as much as a new baby can be. It’s just hard doing it on my own- especially with two.”

“That’s natural,” ma nods as she sits beside me with Phoenix. “We’re proud of you, John. It’s a lot for someone to take on, especially you. But you’re doing it and we couldn’t be more proud.”

“It’s only been a week. I've only been back a week.” I muse, looking down at how content Phoenix looks in her arms. He never looked that content in my arms; maybe it’s a motherly thing. Maybe these kids are gonna need their mom- they’re going to need someone other than me but all I’ve got is me…they’re not going to have the upbringing they deserve and that kills me.
But what am I supposed to do?

My parents give me a few more words of encouragement before I get myself a beer as various family members and friends start to arrive for the boys’ party. My mom insisted we do something, even if it was a casual get together. Apparently the one-month date is an important one.

I’m reunited with everyone that I haven’t seen before the kids came into the picture and it seems like they’ve already met the two when they were with Ashley and Tim. It sort of makes it easier for me; it’s hard to be a ‘doting dad’ when their ‘doting mom’ isn’t here to do it with me. Her not being here takes out all of the happiness and joy and excitement, and it’s not fair to the boys.

“Hey man, long time no see.”

I look up pull my best friend in for a tight hug. I haven’t seen Halvorsen since the day before Mesa and Phoenix were born. The day I left I told nobody, except for my parents and Tim and Ash; I left it up to them with facing everybody and I know that was wrong of me. But when you’re put in the situation I was, you’d do the same thing.

“Hey man.” I sigh, pulling away after almost a full minute.

“First time I get to see my bud as a dad and he’s hiding from his kids in the kitchen with a beer in hand.” Eric chuckles.

I wince, taking another sip. “Don’t say it, I already know.”

He raises his hands in defence. “I’m not saying anything, man. No judgement; you of all people deserve
a break.”

“I got a break the second my kids were born.” I scoff in disagreement. Leaving them the way I did is something I had to do but hate myself for doing at the same time. I shouldn’t have done what she did but it was all too much and I had no choice. I would have done something a lot worse if I didn’t take that out.

But at least I came back.

“Don’t beat yourself up over that, John. You had to do it. You needed to prepare yourself; what she did was cruel.” Eric points out.

I skull the rest of my beer at the mention of her and place my empty bottle on the kitchen bench. I don’t even want to think about her right now. “Alright, let’s find my kids. They’re a month old today, that’s a big deal, right?”

“Apparently,” Eric laughs, slapping my back. “They’re gorgeous, man. Congratulations.”

For the first time that day, a smile forms on my lips. Yeah, they are. They’ve been two of the greatest
things to happen to me and it’s about time I start appreciating them the way they deserve to be appreciated. I have to try harder. Thinking about her is too upsetting.

I follow Eric out into the living room and am greeted with hugs and cheers from almost everyone I know. It’s good to be around everyone that I haven’t seen the past month. I make my way to my mom who is holding Mesa and she passes him to me with a teary smile.

“Ma,” I chuckle, lifting Mesa up in front of me. “You been good for Grandma, kid?” I coo, kissing his little belly before holding him in one arm.

“You’re such a good father, sweets. You’re doing so well.” She sighs happily, rubbing Mesa’s back.

“It’s only been a week. We’ll see how it goes.” I muse, playing with Mesa’s hand as he wraps it around my finger. “Where’s the other one?”

“I think I saw Jared and Tessa claim him; are they expecting, John? If not I think you should let them babysit for you- they want children of their own, it’s obvious.”

I can’t help but roll my eyes- ma always thinks she’s got everyone pinned. Last month she thought Pat was going to get down on one knee for his girlfriend but they ended up splitting up after three years together. I don’t know if Jared and Tessa are thinking about kids, but I know for a fact they want to get married before they start a family- it’s just about finding the right time.

The day carries on and we celebrate the boys and their first month on planet Earth. Ma got a little sentimental when she gave her toast and between the people that spoke they all mentioned how good of a job I was doing and how ‘strong’ I was and although it was supposed to make me feel good about myself, it only made me feel weaker.
I winced my way through the entire thing, feeling more uncomfortable than I thought possible. As soon as the speeches were over I handed whoever I was holding to some relative and used the ‘bathroom’ as my excuse.

I don’t know what’s happening but all I can feel is an aching in my chest as I close the door to my father’s study behind me. I had to get away from it all because they shouldn’t be saying these things about me- they should be saying them about us, about our family. They should be saying them about her.

“John?”

I look up with tears in my eyes as my mother walks into the room, probably knowing where to find me due to a motherly instinct. When I was a kid I used to hide in my old man’s study when I got into trouble because I knew it was the last place he’d look for me. Ma knew me a little bit better than that.

“Oh sweets,” she coos, walking towards me and wrapping me in her familiar arms. I try to fight it but I fail miserably and break down.

“She just…she just left! She didn’t say anything- she didn’t leave a note- she just left me!” I spat bitterly as ma tries to soothe me. It doesn’t work.

“I know sweetheart, and I don’t blame you for being upset. Maybe she panicked, maybe she freaked out, but leaving you and those gorgeous babies wasn’t right. You have a right to be angry, John.” She tells me firmly.

“We were together for four years! I thought we were ready for this! We didn’t plan it but I sure as hell didn’t think she’d just run out on me!” I snap, wiping my eyes on the back of my hand. “I love her! How could she not see that?! She was supposed to stay with me!”

“I know baby, I know,” She sighs, not knowing what else to say, I guess. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”
“She was my girl, ma, she was my girl.”

The house is quiet as I finally get Phoenix to sleep. We left shortly after my breakdown in my father’s study because being around all of those happy people just proved to be too much for me. I’m not in the same frame of mind so sharing an entire day together was not as appealing as I first thought. What I really needed was some personal time with myself and with my kids.

I leave the boys’ room and take the baby monitor with me as I take a seat on the back porch, a pack of cigarettes in hand. I haven’t smoked in a long time but on the way home this afternoon I picked up a pack because I knew I’d be needing a couple to get me through the rest of the week. It’s not long before I find myself flicking through photos on the phone of her throughout the pregnancy.
I take a puff and look up at the sky, wondering where the hell she is and how she had the strength to get up and walk away. She was excited about starting a family, and even though she got more and more nervous when we found out we were having twins, I never thought she even held the capacity to walk away from us.

When we found out we were expecting, she was ecstatic; she’d always wanted to have kids. We weren’t married but we were pretty damn close to it after four years together. I didn’t ever think I could handle it but somehow she made me feel safe. I felt like I could really settle down with her and she’d been giving me that feeling since the day we met. Instantly we made a connection and it wasn’t just us who noticed it; they guys have commented over the years that something about me changed when we became involved and although I tried to deny it, I always knew what it was.

She’s turned me into the man I am. I’m stronger, wiser, more compassionate and more loving. I could never repay her for everything that she’s given me.

I just didn’t expect her to take it all away so quickly.

I think that’s what I can’t get over the most; her leaving with no words. It’s probably the biggest disrespect you could pay to someone you’re in a loving relationship with; especially if you’re having children with them. I never thought she would ever do that because I actually saw myself building a life with this girl.

I take a puff and look back up at the sky.

Where is she?

“I love you, you cruel, cruel bitch.”