Notes on Heartbreak

I believe, deep within me, that you will come back. This may seem pathetic, this may make me oblivious and desperate, a complete idiot even. I shouldn't want you back, I should want to move on. Time has healed my wounds, yes, but it has also showed me what I truly want. I see you in my future. I can't shake the feeling that I have that this is not the end for us. Maybe that makes me a stalker or psychotic, I don't know or care. I know how I still feel about you, even without contact. I want your company, your touch, your support, your friendship, your embrace, your smile, your comforting words, your strong arms, your floppy hair, your goodnight texts, your love. I no longer need the strenuous and constant reminders that you love me. I no longer need the consistent conversation and frequent video chats. Time has allowed me to build back my independence, something I feel that I lost in our relationship. I grew increasingly dependent, and I think that put pressure on you. With each passing day, as time goes on, I have realized what I truly want and need. It is is not our relationship, not our friday night hangouts, not the expected good morning texts, not my insistence that you hangout with me at parties. It is only you.
Maybe I am wrong, maybe you won't come back. But I will bet with my very last breathe that you do. I still feel an overwhelming sense of love and compassion for you. Yes, at times I despise you for what you did, but if you came back I know I could never hate you. I refuse to believe that you don't still hold that same love for me. Love like that does not just disappear. I was your first and only love, how do you find something to compare to that. I refuse to believe that you don't think of me, that you do not miss me. It is possible that you resist all thoughts of us, and I know that you refuse to think about us. But you don't just forget someone like that, not after a month.
I will wait. What is a few months compared to 18 months of love and friendship? Looking ahead there is still so much time left before I leave. So much possibility for change. Maybe this hope will kill me in the end, maybe it will be my greatest downfall. Maybe my hope will only make the hurt worse, will only prolong my suffering. But I know you better than anyone else, and so I will not give up on my instinct when it comes to you. I think you will come back, and I will take it day by day until you do.