Sequel: Everything After ›
Status: Life in Progress
Notes on Heartbreak
A New Numb
Funny isn't it, how time seems to repeat itself? Five months later and yet I find that I can accurately describe myself by that same word: numb. I don't think I understood its meaning five months ago. Five months ago I felt everything; the pain in my chest, the throbbing thoughts pounding throughout my head, even the emptiness within me felt heavy. Now, as I sit here contemplating my life, I feel not a single thing stirring within my chest nor my head. Like the icy-hot feeling of below zero temp water, or my fingers after they've held handfuls of snow, or my leg after I've sat on it and its lost all feeling, I am numb.
My head had shut its gates, finally and long over due. No more over drawn thought processing, no more imaginary scenarios or predicting the future. Its had quite enough of that.
I simply do not care anymore. It is sad but peaceful. I see no future. I have no goals, no aspirations, no motivations, no dreams for the days to come. I am simply done, my body and mind has shut down. I think something inside of me finally snapped, finally broke, and consequently something died inside. A fire was put out, a light turned off. I have my family and school and that is all. The sad truth is that I cannot think of one other truly good thing I have. The even sadder truth is that this thought no longer makes me sad, I have accepted it. I think of the future and I no longer feel excitement. Each day comes and goes, I get through them some easier than others, some days are even great. I am not unhappy, I am just here. I am just going through the motions and Im fine with it. I have nothing left to give or to be taken away. Long gone is the energy that I once had to fix and rebuild and restart. This is my life, this is how it is meant to be.
This is not the result of a breakup, or a stupid high school heart break. I would hate myself if I let that shit bring me down to this level. I fucking tried, I tried to turn my life around and stay positive and be happy and move FORWARD. God damnit but everyone and everything else just pounded down on me. Its too much to take. Try going from being completely happy and content with your life to this shit hole, to being completely indifferent to whether you continue to live or if you just never wake up. Try feeling fat every day, running until you're dripping sweat and can't feel your legs yet nothing seems to change. Nothing gives and there goes the last bit of confidence you had left. Try being used by your ex, someone who claimed to love you more than anything in the world. The sad part is that he initially said that he couldn't ever use me like this yet now its clear that he no longer even cares that much. Try knowing that the ones you thought were your best friends, don't actually give a shit about you. Your best friend says you've changed, you're a disappointment, you're growing apart. No one wants to hear about your problems anymore, no one has time for that now, so you keep it inside of you and you become your own best friend.
So yeah thats my life. Don't get me wrong, Im no cynic. If you met me you would most likely find me with a smile on my face and I would probably be laughing at something stupid. But my head is tangled. I think about death a lot. I would never bring it upon myself but sometimes I wish I could, just for a minute. No one would care. Whats the point? Im not excited about the future, I can't even picture one for myself anymore if I try. Whats the point? I can't even tell anyone that I feel this way because Im sick of burdening people. Purging my thoughts would only serve as a call for attention or a warning sign that Im psychotic or on some nervous breakdown. Whats the point? No one actually cares anyways, in the end people only care about their own problems, and no one wants to make your problems theirs.
Im on my own now and thats okay. Going off the grid for a little while, working on myself. Trying to weed through everything in my current life in order to perhaps find this source of toxicity. Who knows, maybe Ill find myself again out there in the dark.
My head had shut its gates, finally and long over due. No more over drawn thought processing, no more imaginary scenarios or predicting the future. Its had quite enough of that.
I simply do not care anymore. It is sad but peaceful. I see no future. I have no goals, no aspirations, no motivations, no dreams for the days to come. I am simply done, my body and mind has shut down. I think something inside of me finally snapped, finally broke, and consequently something died inside. A fire was put out, a light turned off. I have my family and school and that is all. The sad truth is that I cannot think of one other truly good thing I have. The even sadder truth is that this thought no longer makes me sad, I have accepted it. I think of the future and I no longer feel excitement. Each day comes and goes, I get through them some easier than others, some days are even great. I am not unhappy, I am just here. I am just going through the motions and Im fine with it. I have nothing left to give or to be taken away. Long gone is the energy that I once had to fix and rebuild and restart. This is my life, this is how it is meant to be.
This is not the result of a breakup, or a stupid high school heart break. I would hate myself if I let that shit bring me down to this level. I fucking tried, I tried to turn my life around and stay positive and be happy and move FORWARD. God damnit but everyone and everything else just pounded down on me. Its too much to take. Try going from being completely happy and content with your life to this shit hole, to being completely indifferent to whether you continue to live or if you just never wake up. Try feeling fat every day, running until you're dripping sweat and can't feel your legs yet nothing seems to change. Nothing gives and there goes the last bit of confidence you had left. Try being used by your ex, someone who claimed to love you more than anything in the world. The sad part is that he initially said that he couldn't ever use me like this yet now its clear that he no longer even cares that much. Try knowing that the ones you thought were your best friends, don't actually give a shit about you. Your best friend says you've changed, you're a disappointment, you're growing apart. No one wants to hear about your problems anymore, no one has time for that now, so you keep it inside of you and you become your own best friend.
So yeah thats my life. Don't get me wrong, Im no cynic. If you met me you would most likely find me with a smile on my face and I would probably be laughing at something stupid. But my head is tangled. I think about death a lot. I would never bring it upon myself but sometimes I wish I could, just for a minute. No one would care. Whats the point? Im not excited about the future, I can't even picture one for myself anymore if I try. Whats the point? I can't even tell anyone that I feel this way because Im sick of burdening people. Purging my thoughts would only serve as a call for attention or a warning sign that Im psychotic or on some nervous breakdown. Whats the point? No one actually cares anyways, in the end people only care about their own problems, and no one wants to make your problems theirs.
Im on my own now and thats okay. Going off the grid for a little while, working on myself. Trying to weed through everything in my current life in order to perhaps find this source of toxicity. Who knows, maybe Ill find myself again out there in the dark.