Dust

If there's one thing that I've learned from Gemma Teller-Morrow, it's that sometimes old ladies have to get their hands dirty to protect their family. Of course in Gemma's case, that meant the club. She often stuck her nose in places it didn't belong and by some act of God, she often got away with it. The people in Charming knew not to get on Gemma's bad side, though the biker queen often spent most of her time trying to give back to the community in some way; it displayed a good image on the club, made the community less fearful of them.

When I was a little girl, I aspired to be like Gemma. She was the mother I never had and she'd always been so strong in my eyes, invincible even. Us old ladies were the backbone of the club, "Only men need to be loved, sweetheart. Women need to be wanted."

For as long as I could remember, I believed that. In one sentence she had defined what Jax and I had had from the beginning, because the club life wasn't easy and though Jax's tough exterior might have reflected a stone cold outlaw, things were different when it was just the two of us. I often saw the softer side of Jax that he kept hidden beneath his kutte and more than anything, I wanted him to want me to be the one to comfort him when a deal when bad or the anniversary of his father or brother's death came around.

However, that was then. I was young, naive, in love, and the truth in Gemma's words had never quite sunk in until I was older. I thought she'd meant that the men needed us, more than they would ever be capable of fully expressing, and maybe that was the truth in some fashion, but that phrase never specified by whom men needed to be loved by. I guess that was just something that needed to be discovered, because all women need to be wanted; especially by the V.P. of SAMCRO.

"Mrs. Teller?" I hadn't even realized I'd fallen asleep until I was being gently shaken awake by a voice I was more familiar with than I would have liked.

I had barely gotten any sleep since I'd been in the hospital, I'd spent most of the time arguing with the nurses to let me see my son. When they finally did let me see Abel, I couldn't stop crying, seeing his tiny body laying there. Thankfully no one had been around to see me, though I must have finally cried myself to sleep.

Tara Knowles had been the doctor working on Abel. The previous morning she'd successfully managed to close up his belly and his heart and though I was eternally grateful, there was a part of me that hated her for it. I didn't deserve Tara's kindness, none of us in Charming did and yet here she was, saving the son that I had probably stolen from her. I'd ruined her chance with Jax before it had even begun and every time I looked into those green eyes of hers I was reminded of it. Maybe, if Tara had been the one to stay in Charming, she and Jax would still be together.

"Jesus," I started, wiping the sleep from my eyes, "just Nicki, Tara, please." I did not need to be reminded what my last name was, especially by her.

"Right, sorry." I stood up from the chair I'd been in, adjusting my gown and glancing over at Abel. He seemed to be moving around a lot more since last night, though they were still small movements. I hated watching him lay there in that plastic box, helpless to do anything but watch.

"Thank you for," I knew I should thank her, but I wasn't even sure where to start, "helping Abel." She gave a warm smile, turning to face him.

"Happy to help." The worst part of it all was how sincere she sounded. "You're, um, healing pretty well. The doctor says you should be ready to leave tomorrow," that was a relief, it meant that I could finally talk to Gemma about my plans. The only problem was Abel; I may have trusted him well enough with Doctor Tara, but I wasn't so sure about leaving my newborn alone at the hospital.

"And what about Abel?"

"He should be out of the incubator in a few weeks, if he continues his recovery at this pace." I nodded, placing a hand over the cool plastic that surrounded my son. "Unfortunately, Nicki, he will have to remain in NICU for at least two or three months."

"Jesus," I'd expected weeks, but months? It pissed me off all the more and I found myself walking out of the room. I didn't want him to see me like this, as if Abel could somehow sense my sour mood. Dee would pay for this, I could promise him that. Mommy would take care of the bitch that had done this to him.

"The fall really-"

"I know." I didn't need to hear about it again, I was done reliving that moment. The cops had already taken my statement, Clay had wanted to know in case the club needed to take care of something, and of course I had to inform the doctors.

Tara must have taken it the wrong way as she followed me through the doors, because she let out a deep sigh, stopping just beside me with crossed arms.

"Hey, I know this probably isn't the best time to bring this up, but I just want to make sure there's no hard feelings between us." Stopping, my back turned to her, I fought the childish urge to roll my eyes. She was really going to bring this up now, with my two day old son on a breathing machine in the next room. "I know coming back to Charming was sudden-"

"Sweetheart, I won." Turning to face Tara, her mouth was hanging open a bit in surprise. "If anyone should be feeling sour about Jax Teller, it should be you." Jax had been mine for a long time, longer than any of us had realized, but it was a phase that both of us had slowly grown out of. Abel had been the result of us trying to reconcile, though of course Jax fucked that up too.

"Jax and I, that's old shit." This must have pleased Tara somewhat, because her expression seemed less shocked. There were no hard feelings about Tara and I as long as she was capable of letting the past go and I most definitely didn't want her to believe that I had been harboring some sort of ill feelings towards her all of these years, I wasn't that much like Gemma.

"I don't care why you came back, Tara, if you want to somehow try and win Jax back, go for it," I raised a hand to stop her as her mouth opened to object. "All I care about is that little boy in there, and if you can help him then we're good." Tara nodded, giving Abel a glance through the large window dividing the room from the hallway we were currently standing in.

"I'll do everything I can." There was remorse in her voice, though I wasn't sure what for. I didn't need her pity, over my kid or my failed marriage. She was a doctor now; Doctor Tara Knowles, all I needed her to do was her job. I may not have disliked Tara, but that didn't mean that we would suddenly, somehow, become best friends.

"Thank you." I looked her in the eyes, to show my sincerity, but I didn't smile. I still, wholeheartedly, believed that Tara didn't belong here in Charming--in this life, and she had gotten out only to come back. If her reasons did, somehow, involve Jax Teller, well then maybe Gemma wasn't so wrong about Tara; maybe she was an idiot.