These Four Words

It was the first time since I’ve slept with Alex that I woke up in guy’s arms. I was waiting for the feeling of guilt to overtake me but it never did. In the three years that I was rebuilding myself I’ve learned to be okay with sexuality. With wanting to be intimate and not feeling guilty about wanting to have sex. Even after everything that had happened to me I still wanted to feel close to another. The actions that had happened with Kyle were so far in the back on my mind. He moved on and ended up marrying my best friend, Caroline. The worry of running into Alex there and also the fear I felt with the thought of seeing Kyle, prevented me from attending the beachfront wedding, but it brought me closure. I could finally move on from being scared of men.

“Good morning,” John whispered leaning on to kiss me on the cheek. “Hope you didn’t mind that I stayed the night.”

I yawed sitting up, “Not at all.” I stretched feeling satisfied when I heard my bones pop. “I need to go get ready for work though.”

“Do you have to?”

I stood up realizing just how sore I was. “I didn’t make a name for myself by staying in bed all day.”

John smirked, “Touché. Do you wanna talk about last night?”

“We had sex.” I shrugged my shoulders, “I’m not running for president. There is nothing we need to discus.”

“Can we discus how I want to do this again,” He stood up in all his glory and moved closer to me. “And again,” He pulled me into his arms. “And again.” He gently pulled me into a kiss. I pulled back laughing.

“I don’t want to discuss anything right now.”

“Fair enough,” He released me from his grip and headed towards the kitchen to collect his clothes. I walked into my closet and picked out the first black dress I could find. I luckily found a pair of matching undergarments and threw those on first before adding my dress. “Don’t you think you should shower first? You kind of smell like straight sex.”

“I don’t have any meetings today and I don’t have time to shower so I guess I’m going to just put it off.” I pulled an overcoat off its hanger and then found my favorite pair of Jimmy Choos before slipping them on. “I’ll be done by lunch today.” I went into the bathroom and started to brush my teeth.

“So I guess I’ll just see you whenever?” John stood shirtless in the doorway looking at me perplexed.

“Let’s not make this awkward,” I spit out the remaining of my toothpaste. “Come over around two and we can just hang out like normal.”

“Okay,” John agreed smiling.

“And bring me your CD!” I turned back to the mirror to begin working on my make-up.

“That I can do,” He threw on this white t-shirt. “I’ll see you at two then.”

“Bye,” I called after him. When I heard the door close I stopped doing my eyebrows and leaned against the counter. Could I handle this “friends with benefits” idea? I mean with John it felt like I knew him for years, with him it feels almost natural. The only thing I could think of stopping this relationship was Alex and it was ridiculous. He moved on, why couldn’t I? So what if John and Alex were friends, it is not like they were best friends.

My alarm blaring shook me out of my deep thoughts. I had fifteen minutes to get to work. Fuck.



“Ms. Taylor?” My assistant stuck her head in smiling.

“Yes Annabelle?”

“You are leaving at two today, is that correct?”

“Yes Annabelle, we went over this last Friday.” I sighed stopping the work I was currently doing.

“Sorry Ms. Taylor I was just wondering because you have someone here dying to see you. She says she is your mother.” I froze instantly at those words. I hadn’t seen my mother since I was on tour with Alex. We talked on occasion but she wasn’t aware of my name change or the fact that I moved to New York. How did she find me?

“Uh send her in.”

“Yes Ms. Taylor,” Annabelle scurried away to fetch the woman in the lobby. I pulled out my phone and sent a quick text to John.

Something came up at work and I will run a little late. Go ahead and let yourself into the building the code is #445298 and the spare key is in my neighbors plant. I quickly locked my phone back up and placed it in my desk right as my mother walked in.

“Mom?” I was in disbelief. Oh how she had aged in three years.

“Erin?” My mom ran and engulfed me in a hug. It seemed like forever before we both pulled apart.

“I actually go by Ophelia now,” She looked confused. “Please take a seat and I can try to explain everything.” My mom took her seat across from my desk.

“Why did you just cut us out of your life?”

“I cut everyone out of my life mom.”

“Was it that boy? Gosh what was his name—“

“Alex,” I answered for her with a small smile. “And no it wasn’t him. There was another but he is irrelevant to me now.”

“So you moved here and changed your name, all to get away from some guy?”

“This guy abused me mom,” I told her trying to keep it together. “I didn’t plan on doing any of this but I also didn’t plan on my abuser promising to ruin my life. So I left before he could and I made out here, went in disguised, and made a name for myself.”

“Oh honey,” My mom looked like she was about to break into two. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

I debated on whether or not to tell her who my abuser was but I decided against it. “I felt alone and trapped.”

“You could have moved home,” She urged taking ahold of my hand.

“It wouldn’t have been that easy.”

“Are you in a good enough place to let your father and I back into your life?” She looked so hopeful.

“Of course,” I got up and took the seat next to her. “I never wanted to hurt you or dad. I’m sorry that I did.”

“I am just happy that we can become a family again. Did you know your brother is engaged?”

“What?” I was amazed. My younger brother Steven was the type of guy who fell hard and fast, so him marrying a girl so young did not surprise me. “When did this happen?”

“About five months ago.” My mother smiled slightly.

“I missed out on a lot didn’t I?”

“You did,” she admitted somberly. “But we can fix it all now.”

“I don’t think we can fix me missing a few years out of your lives. I missed Steven’s graduation and his engagement. I wouldn’t forgive myself.”

“You have always been hard on yourself, stop. Make an effort and so will he.”

“I don’t think you understand mom.” I sighed running my hand through my hair. “I messed up a lot of peoples lives and I think I’m doing it again.”

My mom grabbed my hand smiling, “You are impossible to hate. Make amends and move on. As for this current mistake, stop it before you really hurt someone again.”

I nodded my head, “I missed you mom.”

“I missed you too sweetie.”



I sighed shrugging off my overcoat. I was emotionally drained from today; I threw my keys in the key bowl before kicking off my pumps. My mother and I had talked for six hours, about everything and anything. She knew about how I left Alex and how I was with a relatively close friend now, she offered her advice but ultimately told me it was my life. She talked about my brother and my dad, my cousin who was married now with two kids, and my neighbor who was now on her second affair in two years. I sighed rubbing my temples, what was I doing with my life?

“Hey,” I jumped at the sound of Johns voice. I turned around to see him in nothing but his boxers, yawning lazily. “What took you so long?”

“Uh nothing, something very important came up. Sorry to keep you waiting.” I shrugged apologetically.

“No worries, I took a nap.” John moved closer to me. “How was work?”

“I don’t want to talk right now,” I told him growing annoyed.

“What do you wanna do right now?” John raised one of his eyebrows in curiosity.

“I want you to fuck the shit out of me.” With that I jumped on him and thankfully he caught me, he slammed me up against the wall and we started making out. He yanked the zipper down on my dress and pulled if off of me only momentarily breaking our kiss, leaving both of us in our underwear. John wasted no time unfastening my bra and my underwear followed soon behind. He made a move to get on his knees to assumingly go down on me, but I yanked him right back up.

“I don’t want to make love,” I told him yanking off his boxers letting his boner spring free. “I want you to fuck me.” He looked momentarily offended but continued kissing me nonetheless. He positioned himself right over my slit and entered me swiftly. I moaned when I felt him fill me. I felt whole and complete with him inside of me. John backed out and then slammed right back into me causing me to gasp at his roughness.

“Turn around,” John ordered and I obeyed. He pulled all my hair to one side of my body before latching his lips onto my neck. He then proceeded to do exactly what I told him to do, he fucked me raw and I loved every second of it. There was no love there was only two people doing a natural act and it was exactly what I needed at this time in my life.

We continued to fuck until we were both mentally and physically exhausted. As soon as I knew John was asleep I got up and threw on his white V-neck. I made my way to my entertainment room and sat down at the piano. I began to play the familiar balled.

There's a place way down in Bed-Stuy,
Where a boy lives behind bricks,
He's got an eye for girls of eighteen,
And he turns them out like tricks

I began playing the piano as soon as I got to the city. It was a way to relax myself. I always had a love for music but learning to play myself was a priceless therapy.

I went down to a place in Bed-Stuy,
A little liquor on my lips
I let him climb inside my body
And held him captive in my kiss

This song had more relevance to my life now than it did ever before. At first I feel in love with this song because it had a creepy yet addicting beat and lyrics but now that it related to what I was dealing with, emotion just poured out of my finger tips and caused me to sing with much more power and feeling.

And there's a storm you're starting now
And there's a storm you're starting now
And there's a storm you're starting

I'm a wanderess
I'm a one night stand
Don't belong to no city
Don't belong to no man
I'm the violence in the pouring rain
I'm a hurricane
Ha ah ah ha ah ah ah
I'm a hurricane
Ha ah ah ha ah ah ah
I'm a hurricane

I could hear John creep behind me and I momentarily felt bad for waking him up.

I went down to a place in Brooklyn
Where you tripped on LSD
And I found myself reminded
To keep you far away from me

And there's a storm you're starting now
And there's a storm you're starting now
And there's a storm you're starting

I was playing harder than I had ever before. I felt John move closer to the grand piano.

I'm a wanderess
I'm a one night stand
Don't belong to no city
Don't belong to no man
I'm the violence in the pouring rain
I'm a hurricane
Ha ah ah ha ah ah ah
I'm a hurricane
Ha ah ah ha ah ah ah
I'm a hurricane

He says, "Oh, baby, beggin' you to save me.
Well lately, I like 'em crazy.
Oh, maybe, you could devastate me.
Little lady, come and fade me."

I'm a wanderess
I'm a one night stand
Don't belong to no city
Don't belong to no man
I'm the violence in the pouring rain

Come and fade me
Come and fade me
I'm a hurricane

I finished playing at let the sobs take over my body. John walked over and collected me in his arms before scooping me up and carrying me bridal style back to my bed. He laid my down gently and took his spot next to me pulling me tight into his embraced as my sobs turned into sniffles. “I’m sorry I woke you up.”

John smoothed back my wild hair to get a better look at my face, “Don’t be. You play beautifully.”

I smiled more towards myself, “Thanks I am self taught.”

“Impressive.” There were a few moments of pure awkward silences. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“How long have you kept this secret in?”

“Too long,” I admitted.

“Let go,” He whispered and I decided that I should. Unlike him I couldn’t write my feelings and I couldn’t sing about them. I had to talk about them.

“When I was much younger I had a friend of mine who had raped me,” I cringed at the word and felt John’s arm tighten around me. “He continued to take advantage of me until I was eighteen and moved to California. I had a hard time adjusting to life, my depression, and my eating disorder. Alex was my turning point; he saved my life literally and figuratively. The night Alex and I got into our big fight, the reason why he thinks I left him, my attacker found my apartment and was waiting for me.” I started crying again and John did his best to wipe away my tears.

“You don’t have to finish if you don’t want to.”

“No I need to,” I urged. “He raped me multiple times that night, breaking down any safety that Alex had helped me build back up. He had promised to be back and I knew he would. I didn’t want Alex getting involved; he had a new record company and an album he desperately needed to work on. I knew if I involved him his career would have been put on hold so I did what I do best and I ran. I ran to the other side of the country, changed my identity, and worked on fighting my own demons.”

“I am so sorry Erin, I had no idea.”

“Nobody does, quite literally you and Alex are the only two people that know that I even have an attacker.”

“That must be hard.”

“You learn to deal with it.”

“You shouldn’t have to deal with that alone.” John looked me dead in the eyes. He was bearing into my soul and I couldn’t take it. I looked away and up at the wall.

“You do what you have to do.”

“You know if he knew what had happened maybe you both could move on? He blames himself with you leaving and it rips him apart.”

“And you think him knowing that our fight caused me to be raped multiple times that night would make him feel any better?”

“Well when you put it like that—“

I rolled my eyes annoyed, “I think we are getting too close for fuck buddies.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No,” I deadpanned. “I think we should keep this strictly sex.” My heart screamed at the sight of John’s face. I wanted much more than just sex and by the look on John’s face so did he.

“I can’t continue to do this.”

“Fine,” I slipped off his shirt and threw it at him. “Then I think you should leave.” John looked at me confused and then his face turned to pure anger. He grabbed his shirt and put it on. He got up and began to put on the rest of his clothes on and right before he left my room he turned around and locked eyes with me.

“When you realize we actually have a connection, give me a call.” He turned his back and walked right out of my apartment. I threw myself back on the bed and screamed. I hated that I did this to myself. I hated that I let my damn emotions get the best of me. And I fucking hate John O’Callaghan for making me realize all of this at once.