Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

“Welcome to a room away from home,” he said with a smile. I followed him into the rather spacious area and stop just inside. He looked at me. “What’s wrong, sugar?” I just shrugged.

“It’s just an unfamiliar area, and I don’t know what exactly I’m supposed to do,” I said, shifting my weight. He just chuckled quietly and nodded. We stood there in an awkward silence for a moment before he motioned for me to follow him. I did as instructed and we came to a door that he pushed open. He grabbed my other bag and just sat them on the floor by the door.

“So, are you tired?” He asked, closing the door behind him. I felt my heart race a little as he came near me. I closed my eyes as he leaned toward me, and instead of even touching me, he reached behind and turned a lamp on. I felt myself exhale in relief. He cocked a brow in confusion. “What the hell did you think I was doing?” I just shook my head. He went to the closet and pulled out a blanket. “Well, you can sleep on the bed. It kind of hurts my back anyway,” he said as he grabbed one of the pillows. He walked over to the couch and threw the pillow at the end. I just stood there awkwardly. He rolled his eyes. “Do you not sleep? Are you a vampire or something?” I felt myself stifle a laugh as I thought of the irony of his statement.

“No, I do. I just feel odd,” I said quietly. He came over to me and sat on the edge of the bed. He patted the space next to him and I obliged. He just looked at me for a moment. He seemed to be thinking of something to say.

“I’m not going to hurt you in anyway, “he assured me. I nodded. “Just get some sleep. We can talk at a more decent hour.” I nodded again and laid down on the oversized bed. He smiled softly and turned the light out. From the streetlight pouring through the window, I watched as he walked to the couch and laid down. He shifted a few times before finally falling asleep. I rolled over and pulled the blanket over my arms. I felt a little less uncomfortable, but I still couldn’t shake my discomfort. I replayed the events of the day, and I couldn’t believe that I just followed some stranger to his hotel room, where he was supposedly with his friends. I felt stupid and confused, but I was tired all the same. I closed my eyes and fell into a fitful sleep.

“Where do you think you’re going?” A voice boomed. I turned around in the darkness, but I saw nothing. I took off running, trying desperately to get away from the invisible entity. I was abruptly stopped by a wall. I attempted to shake off the stinging and throbbing that my head was feeling.

“No one wants a fat ass like you. You are worthless and a total disgrace to life. You always have been, and you always will be. No one wants you. You might as well kill yourself now. You will never be worth anything. I should’ve aborted you when I got the chance. Instead, I tried to be a decent human being, and look where that got me. You are nothing, you stupid bitch.” My mother pounded me with insults as I tried again to run. “Where do you think you are going? No one will take you. You might as well end it now.” I ran blindly into the never-ending darkness until I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I was bombarded by a sudden burst of light. I looked down to see a knife sticking out of my chest. I felt my lungs panic as I couldn’t get air in. Blood filled my lungs. I tried to scream, but no sound would come out. I looked up and saw my mother standing there with an evil smirk playing on her lips. “You really should’ve just listened to me. Mommy always knows best,” she cackled. I fell to my knees and tried desperately to get air into my lungs. The light began to dim and I was sure this was it. This was the end. I couldn’t breathe anymore. Blood trickled from my mouth. I laid down, ready to meet my maker. There was a loud crash and—

“DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT?” A voice yelled from outside the door. I bolted up, and tried to take in my surroundings. The sun was out, and the man was no longer on the couch. The door stood wide open, and the guy stood just outside, yelling at someone. I tried to even my breathing, and realized that I was covered in sweat. I sat against the headboard and sighed shakily. That was just a dream. I ran a finger over my chest where the knife has cut through me. There was no wound, but there was a very real pain. I checked my fingers for blood, but there was none. I sighed in relief.

“Good morning, sunshine,” a voice said from the door. The guy had come in, followed by another. This one was much shorter, and his hair was not near as long. He was shirtless, revealing tattoos of all shapes and sizes. I ran a hand through my hair. “Nice going, Gee. You totally scored last night, didn’t ya?”

“Frank, shut the fuck up. That is so not what happened,” the other guy said, running a hand through his hair. He looked at me and smiled. “Good morning. How did you sleep?” I shrugged, not really wanting to discuss the fitful, nightmare filled dream. He nodded. “Are you hungry?” As if on cue, my stomach rumbled. I laughed quietly and nodded.

“I’m just going to go stop somewhere and get something on the way,” I said quietly, standing up slowly. Every joint and bone in my body ached. He looked at me with a funny look.

“On the way to where, exactly,” he asked, obviously having remembered that I had no real plan of attack for running away. I just shrugged. He shook his head. “Come on, breakfast is in the kitchen.” I sighed and followed him out of the room. “I don’t remember you telling me where you were heading. Actually, as I recall, you didn’t have a plan at all. You were just ‘running away’.” I nodded slowly as we approached the island in the kitchen. I felt a little panicked as I saw three other guys in the kitchen as well as the guy who was in the room this morning. A tall skinny guy with glasses gave me a weird look.

“Um, Gee? Who is this?” He asked, looking me over. I felt very self-conscious. ‘Gee’ put a glass of orange juice in front of me. He looked at me for a second, and then the reality of the fact we didn’t even know each other’s names hit.

“Shit, um, I’m Gerard,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “I totally don’t even know your name.” I laughed quietly.

“I’m Corey,” I said quietly. “Nice to meet you, I suppose.”

“Well, Corey,” the tall skinny guy said, emphasizing my name, “how in the hell did you end up in my brother’s bed?” I felt my skin burn. I struggled to find words to say to that. Gerard took over for me.

“She’s a friend of mine.”